I am feeling really horrible and have nearly reached the lowest low. I am not new here but have browsed around a bit and decided to post.
I am usually a head strong women set in my career and usually do not take B.S. from anyone since my last marriage. Without telling my whole life story which would bore the heck out of you I will just sum of the last few years.
I feel and I know I am hard on myself and I can not even go out the door unless I am dressed and have the whole girly thing going on, I know it must be the atmosphere I am in, but now its worse.
I know I am meandering and babbling and I am sure I do not make a lot of sense right now.
Had a horrible abusive marriage before this 5 years ago, (recovered somewhat, except the nightmares), moved on found someone new, happy, happy. 5 years ago I was at the low point of my life, took medication for panic attacks, left me sleepy, and hungry did the total opposite for me, before I knew it I went from a 8 to a 24, lost the weight most of it and need to lose the rest. I slowly got my life back with my new mate it was a slow recovery, and slow crawl, then suddenly I went on SBD and had a major swoosh, and was at an happy 14.
Moved, landed into more stress, the living stress because where I am etc is causing my career to dwindle and other messes that revolve around that, quit the job due to high stress, fell in self pity and gained some weight back lost a little bit but with the stress around me I am going up and down up and down, and sad but true eating something that tastes great or nice is the only highlight in my life at the moment. I have no friends that live near me 6000 miles or so away, no support system.
Some think I am successful and should be happy but add the stress and well it is just yucky! Gained almost 2 (18/20) sizes back and it has to stop there I have come this far. (I secretly tell myself)I have never had to diet really that much my whole life until well 7 or so years ago, and I think stress plus stress = me eating.
I hate the way I feel right now, and since I have always been hard on myself it’s worse, I am now antisocial, do not want to go anywhere and feel like everyone is looking at me because I am a size 18/20. I am so sick of hearing your so pretty, blah balh, but a little chunky, like if the chunkiness was gone I would be just perfect??????? Err! At work it is so boring, I get 0 fresh airs and am at the Desk all day, and want to eat out of stress and out of boredom, I make excuses to cheat. I can not be an 18/20 any longer it is destroying my self esteem and I feel I have no life and do not go for things because of it, I was almost there a year ago, but how do I stay on track, what can I do?
I have all the right stuff to eat, but ….there I go again. I really wish I could say more, but I have to keep my identity to a minimum for now because of work and privacy, I think a few folks may have heard of me or know me, not that I am anything special. I could go on and on but I have said too much already.
I am feeling really depressed and really feel like taking the easy way out.