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Old 06-04-2005, 04:21 PM   #1
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Default New Girl in Town Needs Advice

Hi.. I just joined the 3FC community. I've been anonymously reading posts for a while now and find this to be a supportive and kind group of people. I have never joined an online group, so I'm a big time newbie... I've always felt very alone in my struggle with my weight so I'm hoping that I can give and get decent honest support from people who know what it feels like.. Thanks in advance!

That brings me to my first question. I have a sister who is skinny (5'9" and size 8) and she always tells me how fat she is. I'm the same height, but my CW is 290, so its hard for me to "console" her and I never know what to say, so I always tell her "You are not fat.. Look at you, you look great!" or something like that, but it makes me feel bad about myself.. Does anyone else have this issue? If so, how do you handle it diplomatically?

Also, if she is not dieting, she tries to sabotage me. I know that I have to take responsibility for my own actions, but sometimes its just really hard when people put food that you love, but are trying to control, in front of you--especially when they don't know what it feels like to be the fat one in the family. I've cut down on hanging out with her, but I still see her at family events. Does anybody know any good techniques for dealing with this? I don't necessarily want to tell her off, but if there is something I can do for myself to resist and put a better light on this type of behavior?

Thanks!! I'm glad to be here..
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Old 06-04-2005, 04:35 PM   #2
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Have you told your sister how it makes you feel when she tells you that she's fat or puts your favorite foods in front of you when you're trying to lose? If she can't see that she's hurting you, then how sad for her and you are right to distance yourself.

It sounds like she is insecure about herself and chooses to make herself feel better by making you feel worse. I know people at work who do the same thing-- complain to me that their size six bodies are too fat-- I tend not to reply at all. They either are thoughtless or they are fishing for a compliment. Either way, it's mean-spirited to single out someone who is so clearly in a much more serious position weight/health-wise and it's not worth indulging them.

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Old 06-04-2005, 06:39 PM   #3
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My sister has always been thin as well. My advice is to tell her how you feel. First of all, I doubt she is trying to hurt you when she says she thinks she is fat. As an example, when I started losing weight I remember thinking I would give ANYTHING to weigh just 150 pounds, especially when I saw posts from people whose STARTING weight was 150. Well, guess what? I'm knocking on 150's door and I am still fat. So, give her the benefit of the doubt that she honestly sees herself that way and is judging herself, not you. But, by all means, tell her how you feel.

When my sister would say things like that, in the back of my mind I would worry that if she thought she was fat I must absolutley disgust her. It hurt to think that and I would feel even worse about myself. But, I talked to her. What I found out was that she didn't really think of me as fat. I mean, obviously at 5'2" and 214 pounds I was obese. But she saw me only as a person. She didn't think of me in terms of my weight and wasn't judging me as I had been afraid she was.

As far as her sabotaging your weight loss, I would bet that she isn't TRYING to do that either. Thinner people eat differently than those of us who are overweight, they don't struggle with food the way we do. So, when she presents your favorite foods she assumes if you aren't hungry or don't need them you will pass. Because that is what SHE would do. Again, talk to her. Make sure she understands that it is hard for you to make the right food choices and ask her to help by not flaunting your favorite foods. And, you hit the nail on the head, when you find yourself in the situation make your OWN decisions as to what to put in your mouth. As hard as it is, it can be done.

Whether or not you should distance yourself from your sister is something only you can decide. It really depends on your overall relationship with her. Have you always been close with the exception of the weight issue being thorny? Or, is the weight issue between the two of you just the icing on the cake? My sister has become one of my greatest supporters but I had to ASK her for her help. You may be surprised by how helpful your sister can be as well.

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Old 06-04-2005, 09:13 PM   #4
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It depends on the relationship you have with your sister.
Can you sit her down and have a heart to heart talk with her and tell her how it makes you feel where you are at in your life and she be understanding enough to know and show empathy for what your going thru and chage her ways....
Or is it the type where she has the little crown on her head and thinks that shes all that and a side of cream pie to. Then I would tell he like it is. And say if you cant be a sister and work with me on this then go work on your sister to sister skills because I need to do this and your not helping specially with the food that you know you shouldnt be eating offering it to me I guess you can use the guilt treament and tell her you must not love me at all to offer me foods that will put me in the grave alot sooner than I need to be.
I guess I dont mean that much to you ??
Either way you go I would get my point across and tell her you love her and if she loves you she will help you and abide by some comments that bother you and offerings you feel you dont need..
But dont let it go one because if you have something bothering you ..get it off your chest and deal with it the right way. Good Luck and hope the sis comes around.

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Old 06-06-2005, 04:20 PM   #5
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Thank you all for your posts. If I am honest, then I have to admit that I haven't talked to her specifically about any of this. I've struggled with my weight so many times and, since she's seen me doing it, I figured that she should know how unhappy I am where I am and just be supportive because she is my sister. We've always been a family of getting mad, giving it some time and space, and then moving on and pretending it never happened. (Duh? Maybe contributes to my weight?)

Anyway, you all are right--I guess I need to grow up and tell her how I feel rather than just complaining about it and doing nothing. How will she know if I don't tell her, right? The perceived "easy" way out just isn't going to work anymore. Thanks again for your advice and giving me a wake-up call. I appreciate it very much...
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