Hey guys,

OK, here's the deal. I've been "dieting" (or rather, living healthy) for about a year, and I have been pretty successful with it, but lately my best friend is telling me that I'm "too obsessed" with exercise and being fit. She recently told me that I'm getting too thin, and honestly guys I'm 30lbs above the suggested weight for my height and frame. When we're at restaraunts she always pressures me to eat dessert and splurge on fatty entrees, and she just gives me these looks and eye-rolls whenever she sees me making a healthy choice. Recently she got upset when we were shopping and I bought jeans in a lower size than her, and she's always been thinner than me. I don't want to say she's jealous, because I know she's happy for me and I think it's probably her own insecurities with her own self image. I was wondering if any of you have the same problem or have dealt with someone who keeps trying to bring you down. Any thoughts on what I should do??

I hate to tell you this but she is jealous or she wouldn't be acting the way she is. Sure someone in there she is happy for you but she hasn't found that spot where she wants to lose weight. Instead of truly being happy for you and encouraging you and helping you to find better choices when you are out with her, she ridicules you and almost forces you to eat the food with her words. I've had to deal with a couple of people like that and I just told them that I enjoy eating the way I do and that if I really wanted that piece of cake/pie/whatever then I would order it. If you want to keep having to make excuses and put up with her putting you down then keep hanging out with her. If I were in your shoes, I would not being hanging around her and would tell her that if she couldn't support me and my successes at getting healthy then I had no business being her friend. But that's just me.

ok first of all congrats on your weight loss! Don't let someone bring you down. I can't say that I have been through what you are going through with your friend cause my friends are very supportive of me. But it sounds to me that your friend is jealous and maybe you guys could exercise together and make it something fun for both of you. Good luck!

I would stay away from her. It takes a lot of discipline and strength to do what you have been doing to having someone to sabotage all your hard work. I would not eat with her, nor I would share too much what I am doing to keep being fit. I believe your friend is feeling threatened by your success and she may fell you are jeopardizing your friendship with her focusing on being fit and healthy, mostly if you were her eating buddy.

MP

Thanks to all of you for your advice and supportive comments. I will definitely stop eating with her, and I'll do my own thing and not really talk to her about it. If I feel uncomfortable again I'll bring it up to her, and then I'll see what happens from there. Thanks again!

I'd reccomend not talking about your diet/exersize with her, but secretly use her as a motivator. I have a pregnant freind that I think want's me to eat with her so that I don't continue losing...but I gained some "sypathy weight" last time she was preggers! Not again!

I have jealous sabotagers in my friends and family circle as well. I think that for me personally, I went through a major lifestyle change. Sometimes when that happens you go through a "friendship change" as well.

She is probably jealous-but think about something else. What do you really have in common with this friend? Is this a friend you always went to dinner with, or went to movies and downed a ton of popcorn with? Did you rent movies and down a pint of ice cream with her? Were most of your outings together non-fitness/health related?

Since you have changed your lifestyle-you may not really have anything in common with this woman any longer.

Most of my female friends are women that I have exercise class or dance rehearsal with-and they are women whom I share physical activity with. Our outing revolve around exercise and dance-one of my friends is a dietician, another a vegetarian, etc. so we have much more in common in those areas.

Friendships can fall out-not because of a fight or bad blood-but simply because interests and things change too.

I barely ever go out with old friends that I used to go out with-because it all revolved around "lazy" activities and restaurants and drinking. (Which I rarely do any longer.) I still like these women, but I don't have the same goals and interests any longer.

So I believe that jealousy does play a part-but your lifestyle changes are probably not hers as well-and that is also a factor.

First, congrats on your weight loss! I knew this is the right place to be this a.m...I also deal with this. It is not easy with the friends that are still overweight or have old friendship styles. It is not easy to give up or change friendships either, on both sides. I have lost a lot of weight and one of the big things is that I don't weigh myself and that drives my friends crazy. I know from my clothing sizes that is probably 50 lbs or so. I usually say that I am not near my goal weight, and when I get that close, I will get on the scale. That is when I will need a number.I have a good idea what I weigh. I have been here before and also know that I let the scale reign and I can't do that. This has not been an easy 2 years or so in my almost 25 year marriage and I sometimes joke that I lost at least 20 on the Divorce Diet. I really lost it by eating healthy, exercising and changing my behavior. I also had to work on my marriage and although these friends have been supportive, I also realize they are jealous of that TOO! It is threatening to them. I have always been the strong personality in my group of friends, and in counseling I realized that because I had the courage to deal with issues in my marriage and do something that it cut a little to close to home for some of my friends. I can go on forever with some of the remarks I have had, some deliberate some just not thinking... Like I would never lose weight just because my husband wanted me too... I lost this for myself is my answer, but if you were going to lose your husband over this wouldn't you at least think about it! my weight didn't come up this time around... Did you ever think that your unhappiness with yourself influences all your relationships? Or a lot of them? Or other remarks, like you really shouldn't exercise at night you know, its not good for you.... my dear therapist almost fell off his chair because I told him I was tempted say, well when you lose the 200 lbs you need to lose you can give me exercise advice...Or you lost that weight because your husband turned vegetarian....really, I am living proof you can get fat eating beans and cheese and have done the natural food things for 30 years....Its the calories. Or when are you going to stop seeing that therapist every week, you and h are fine now and you have always been ok.... Translate, please don't change any more and he is much better friend and confidant to you than we are... I point out that I have known him for 10 years and as I have no family I am close to him, and he would never tell me to find new friends if that is what you are worried about...I know that on my own!

I could go on and I have not even got into the fact they don't like all the new clothes I bought! Or that I started playing golf after 30 year hiatus and just love it. One of the reasons I came back here... I was on here early in this board history, but can't get my old name and password back, is I need new friends and support!

I made a decision after a lunch out with friends a couple a weeks ago to limit my eating out with them. I just get tired of it, the constant question of what I am eating and not eating. All the food they order. Sitting all afternoon. Trying to get me to share desert... I am a very strong personality and they wear on me!!! I am actively looking for woman to play golf with this summer. I am looking for more active people is probably a good way to put it in general. I have been trying to enlarge the circle I move in, not exclude old friends. but as I learned, limit my exposure to things that pull me down...I have been told that I am the catalyst for this group and now they don't like the new action exercise things I am doing because they don't want to do it. Not my job to teach them how to have fun anymore...Pie and coffee just don't do it for me anymore. I hope this helps someone else, I would love any imput of how others deals with this issue! I will work on filling in my profile... Thanks

Your post was so interesting.

It does sound like your old friends are feeling threatened by all your changes (congrats! on that), and maybe feel like it means *they* should and are just too afraid to do it. I know when I've gone out with thin friends and they order salads and I order something more caloric, I feel self conscious. But I would never want to knowingly sabatoge a friend's efforts with weight loss, since I know how hard it is!

My bf does a lot of the cooking for the two of us, and I've been trying to get the calories down since January to up the weight loss. I feel like that's a struggle sometimes -- he starts to say I'm obsessing about it too much. I have to be very diplomatic. I'm not sure why that is, he supports my weight loss. I think that he feels like he has to eat the same thing I do (even though I tell him he doesn't) and since he doesn't need to lose weight, he doesn't want to "feel hungry". He does eat all kinds of sweets that I don't touch.

I was really annoyed when his brother kept giving us candy and cookies all the time *after* he found out I was working to lose weight. I started just throwing them away. As if it isn't hard enough to deal with all my own struggles, to have to take into account so many other people's quirks and hangups....sheesh!

It does sound to me that the friend the original poster wrote of is having some jealousy issues. I think it may be because most people want to hang around with people who basically do the same as they do. Maybe she's afraid that if you do continue with your diet and get to your goal weight you suddenly won't want anything else to do with her. And maybe, she is right.

If she has been an "eating buddy", and defines her friendship with you in terms of going out and having a good time (eating), then she might very well resist your trying to change the rules. I think what you have to ask yourself is "Is her friendship worth more to me than the benefits I expect to get from losing the weight I want to?"

If the answer is "No", I would have a heart to heart with her. Tell her that you asked her this question, tell her what your answer was, then ask her if you have to choose between her and your new way of life. If she says "Yes", then thank her for her honesty, and make a clean break. If she says "No", then tell her there have to be some new ground rules, and the sabatoge has to stop. Then, if she does continue, remind her of this conversation. If she doesn't agree to these terms, then understand that whatever she said, her actions point to the fact that yes, you do have to make this choice.

This sounds like a pretty hard situation to be in. I hope things work out best for you.

I got a bit sidetracked in my own post..meant to add for heather that unless someone asks me I never say much about the eating out and not indulging in things like desert etc. My friends are all former WW and they know the drill. They just don't want to do it, and that fine, just leave me alone! UNLESS they ask me something specific I try to just lay low. I would not say what your weight is. I will if asked say what size I am. Your friend sounds like she is trying to control things and if you are the same size or close she might be thinking she is overweight if you still have more to go. Maybe not tell her how much you weigh, just say that when you get to goal you'll decide.

I agree with the previous but would like to add maybe talking to her.
Tell her that you have been working very hard to lose this weight and need her support in keeping it off. Tell her you can't keep eating meals with her if she keeps critisizing your eating habits and weight. You don't certainly don't critisize her for hers. If she really respects you and your friendship she will respect your wishes.

Thanks to all of you for the wonderful and caring advice...my friend was recently at my apartment and she came out and told me that she felt horrible about herself and really wanted to start eating healthier and losing weight as well. i invited her to go to the gym with me but i think right now she is very intimidated with the gym atmosphere, which i completely understand because i was the same way at first. i gave her some ideas and hopefully she'll be successfull as well. it felt really good to know that i helped motivate her, which motivates me even more to keep going!