Hello everyone, I am new here and I need some advice.
Basically my wife is unhappy with her weight. So I have been trying my best to help her to lose some weight. Let me just make it clear that personally I think she looks great and I couldn't care less how much she weighs. But because it is important to her I really want to be supportive.
So I guess what I really want to know is what should I be doing? Right now I have started to diet also because I am slightly overweight and thought this might be helpful for her. But the problem is that she won't stick with the diet and I find myself telling her off for eating certain things. Then she gets upset and I feel like crap for being cruel, but what am I supposed to do? She won't lose the weight eating strawberry cheesecake ice-cream!
I hope I don't come across as a complete *******, I just really need to know what I should be doing to support her.... because clearly I am doing this completely wrong!
Don't judge. You are to be commended for caring about your wife's health and for loving her no matter what she weighs. She may want to lose weight, but may not be willing or want to do what it takes to lose the weight. First of all empty the freezer, regrigerator, and pantry or all no=no foods and replace with healthy alternatives. You lose the weight and she will soon follow because she will be jealous of the weight you have loss. Compliment her when she makes a good food choice, compliment her when she does have a loss, compliment her when she exercises and tell her you love her no matter what. She may be rebelling at dieting and being told what she can and cannot eat. But no matter what stick by her. God Bless you and good luck.
I agree with Praytherosary, you are to be commended for caring so much for your wife.
I think that the first thing you have to realize is you can't change her eating habits....she is going to have to do that for herself. And as hard as it may be, don't belittle her or tell her off when you see her eat "bad" foods. From experience.....that used to make me feel more of a failure and made me feel the need to eat more. Compliment her when she has been doing well, congratulate her when she's made a difference.....keep a positive outlook. It's not always going to be perfect...but the positive attitude will help keep the motivation and willpower up!
I think it's a wonderful thing that you are dieting also. But try to change that word "diet" to healthy lifestyle. It doesn't sound as intimadating. I also agree about cleaning out the fridge.....do an over haul and fill it with healthy foods.
Start going for walks together....make it a time to get to know each other all over again....it's a perfect time to talk and get in some exercise why you're at it. Who knows....you both may learn something new about each other!
I would like to suggest asking her to come join this site herself and get some support from others. Have her browse around and read about others who are going through the same thing, she will find all kinds of support, advice and many friends!!
I hope this helps a little....I know the both of you can do. Just need to be able to support each other. And think twice before you say something that you know later will make both of you feel bad for saying.
Hi.. im rosey from alaska..i have battled my weight all my life and still have along journey..i complement you on wanting to help your wife..you can help and make a difference when she is ready..sounds to me like shes not..everyone comes to that moment on their own..and sounds like you have.. continue what you are doing for yourself..baby steps..small changes..when she sees how well you are doing it might spark her to join in.. be supportive.. not critical..be understanding..and patient..if she dosenot want to take awalk with you then you go..set an example with a loving non-critical way..my husband can be critcal and mean with his comments no matter how well intentioned he is.. and it hurts deep inside..you dont want to cause a rift that can never be healed between you..by cleaning out your frig and pantry might i suggest that you ask how she feels about this first; as me being oldfashioned; the kitchen is usually the womens domain..maybe you can suggest to her that you want to keep healthier foods around so you are not tempted and you need her help to do this for you..that way she is not threatned..i wish you both luck..im usually in the support groups under backdoor friends..3fc is agreat way to get ideas..maybe your wife would like to check it out.. i agree with marti..words can hurt and being the food police is not going to help..hope my view has helped you rosey
You're doing a great job trying to give your wife the support she needs to lose weight. It's a big help if when you are trying to lose weight when someone is there to help you because it's such a hard thing to do.
The only thing I will say though, is what some of the others have said:- your wife may say she wants to lose weight, but how much does she actually WANT it at the moment? Anyone who has ever been overweight will tell you they've often wished they could lose it and they desperately want to lose it but until that switch flicks in your head, you won't go from wanting it to WANTING it. No matter how miserable she may feel as she is, until she's in the right frame of mind to do it, and to stick with it, then it won't happen no matter how much you help her.
If I were you, I'd just carry on showing her that you love her as she is, but that also you're there for her and will help her once she's decided that she can actually go ahead and do something about it.
You are a gem of a husband.
I have a husband like you. He met me when I was at my biggest (272 pounds and a size 24). He proposed to me while I was that size. He loved me when I was fat. He never said anything about my losing weight until I expressed to him my desire to get thin again.
You are not perfect, neither was he. He admonished me for "breaking" my diet. I think it is a guy thing, they just want to fix everything.
I would get my feelings hurt, get upset and get mad. Then I would eat more.
Real grown-up, huh?
I can tell you what we did and it helped.
We made our shopping list together and made a pact that we would buy only what was on the list. I made menus for the week and bought for that week's menu providing for several snacks.
We shopped together. If I felt weak he shopped for me.
Also, get her to eat something prior to shopping. If she is not hungry she is less likely to be tempted.
We also compromised. Instead of gallons of ice cream, buy a pint. You can get 3-4 servings from one pint and the diet isn't too ruined.
Another thing that really helped me was that he helped me cook. He chopped vegetables, stirred pots, browned ground turkey. He acted like he was really interested in cooking and learning to cook my way. I know he had no interest whatsoever. But he was interested in ME, he wanted to help ME, he wanted to support ME. That meant a lot.
When I went down a size he would take me to buy an outfit or an article of clothing. He really encouraged me to get lingerie and then would request that I wear it. There were days I would walk in the bedroom and he would have one of my negligees laid out on the bed for me to wear or he would ask me to wear something special. He made me feel sexy and beautiful. That meant so much. He took an interest in how I dressed. He did not tell me how to dress, but he encouraged me by saying things like, "Honey, why don't you wear those black pants? They look so good on you and make your backside look great!"
He also told me he was concerned about my health. I had high blood pressurs, diabetes runs in my family and I was in the early stages. He said he wanted to have me around for a really long time. He also reminded me to get healthy for my 3 children.
Yes, sometimes I resented him, shunned his support and concern, but he kept at it.
He never gave up on me.
And it has paid off. I lost more than 80 pounds in less than a year. I am now wearing a size 12. But best of all I am healthy. I am off the blood pressure meds, no more diabetes. I had a complete physical in March and was deemed to be in perfect health!
You are her rock, the one constant in her constantly tumultous world of dieting. Trust me, it is tough both physically and emotionally.
Be there for her. Let her know you support her and love her. Let her know she is sexy and beautiful to you no matter what size she is.
I know I am a very, very lucky girl to have a man as wonderful as Mark.
It is my suspicion that your wife is a pretty lucky girl too.
Fotojunkie and Marti- great words of wisdom! My heart hurts for people who get no support from spouses or those who use cruel words to make someone with low self esteem feel even lower. I am blessed to have a wonderful husband. I was 114 when we got married and over the years increased that number by 100 pounds, he NEVER told me anything about my weight and has loved me no matter what size I am or have been. We have been married since we were teen agers and after 27 years we are closer than ever and God has blessed me so much. Anyway the NASCAR race is getting ready to start, another passion hubby and I share. Have a blessed and safe holiday. GOd BLess.
and a couple of others - are we talking about your wife wanting to lose, say 5-10 pounds? or lots more? see, if it's just a few pounds that have crept on over the past few years, it's more a matter of cutting down portion size and moving more. minor tweaks to a basically healthy lifestyle..
but if it's lots more, then there's a complete lifestyle overhaul that we're talking about. . and that takes time. baby steps. a change or two every couple of weeks... and that also means that things like strawberry cheesecake ice cream need to find a place.
that doesn't mean a pint at a time, but say, a walk to the ice cream store for a small cone. or a planned treat [in WW, folks work this kind of thing into their week's points]. to lose the weight and keep it off, the whole diet and exercise thing has to fit in with the lifestyle that you and your wife want.
and i couldn't agree more with the folks who suggested that you and your wife hang out here [there are a few couples floating around, but beware!!!! one of them is a REDSKINS fan!!!!!] there's sooo much great advice and insight. and lots of fun as welll
Just because your wife says she wants to lose weight doesn't mean that she is emotionally ready to lose weight. If she is not ready to commit to losing weight then nothing you can do or say will really do anything. There is a lot of great advice here so I don't have much more to add. Telling her off because she is eating foods like ice cream won't help, it will just make things worse. If it is in your power to get rid of fattening foods in the house or to stop buying them then do that. Ask your wife to go out for a walk or some other form of exercise that you will both enjoy. Continue with your own weight loss efforts regardless. You'll feel better and maybe that will inspire her efforts as well.
Hello Marti. Do you and your beautiful little dog go walking together? We take our Rat Terrier walking, well walk, she runs, we put her on a long leash and those long legs never stop! We live about a 1/2 mile from our church and they have a nice parking lot so we go walking there, there is too much traffic in our neighborhood and every time a car comes we have to reel Precious Mary in because she will chase the cars and has no idea that it is dangerous, so at church there is no traffic that early so it's easier for us, the only thing is that we have to make sure she doesn't bark so as not to wake up our Priest. Anyway keep us the good work I see you are near your goal for July. Good For You. Take care and God Bless.
Pray-- I wish I could take my dog walking....but she's too people shy and she barks constantly when I take her out and she see's someone.(she get's nervous) I may try taking her for walks a little at a time just around the block...later in the evening, just to get her used to being out more. She's 3 and for 2 yrs we lived out in the country and rarely had any company....so she didn't see anyone but me, my husband, and my daughter for those first two years. She's getting better now since we've moved to town and we get company more, barks at first then settles down.
Thanks for the encouragment with my July goal....sadly it was also my June goal and it hasn't budged!! I'm a SLOW loser....but I will make it soon!!!
Take Care
Marti - we should get our dogs together if you're ever heading north when I'm heading south. Did you ever see the picture of my little guys? One looks like the twin of yours
I have seen a photo...can't remember when though. You have petite little dogs!! My girl is a large dog.(19lbs.) Sometime people ask me if she's really a chihuahua!! We had bought her up in Yamhill from a couple who were breeding chihuahuas...that's all they had...except for ONE pug. Hmmm.......I think that the pug had a pup!! May explain why we never got the papers for her!! We didn't fight the issue since we fell in love with her anyway and we had just lost a puppy a month prior...we had a toy chihuahua...same markings and all....at 10wks. old she was only 12oz.!! cute thing. I ought to post a photo of the two that I have....then maybe you can see the difference in size! (will have to find a photo.....)
Helping my wife.
rosey
