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:*( just a bad lazy day for me..
Well today.. I didnt do very much.. I went to one class that was scheduled for today... I came home.. cleaned a little and then napped...
I didnt really feel good at all today, I think because of 9/11 and everything I just get really depressed. And it brings back all the feelings and even new ones.... a close friend of mine was murdered in December of 2002 (his memorial page is located at http://www.geocities.com/darcytristessa ) .. and since then ive been having ups and downs.... and I think 9/11 also brings back feeling of the pain of losing my friend... so i just.. didnt do a whole lot today and tried to sleep everything off.... I managed to still keep up with my 21 Day Challenge.... I did 20 sit ups! (as opposed to 15) and did 5 push ups... I really just didnt feel like getting on the walker machine thing today.... and I REALLY wanted to cheat so bad on my diet.. I just wanted to eat everything..... I guess maybe to cure the pain. But I didnt... well I gave in and had 3 bites of a Klondike Bar and put the rest back... *sigh* I hope tomorrow will be a better day... |
I wish you well and hope you well!!!!
You sound like you did a great job on not binging.... 3 bites shows great control and restraint..... And you still did your challenge..... Hang in there! |
hi there
Hi there xDas7x. I saw you'd started this thread and came in to see you since I know you from the 21-Dayer. I'm really sorry to hear about the death of your close friend. I checked out the memorial page and found it very moving. Did you make the site? Yes, I can understand 9/11 making the pain clearer for you again. Being so close too. Here in Tokyo at work today I and two others were reliving that night (it was shortly before 10 p.m. when my sister called crying to tell me to turn on the TV). I spent a sleepless night and hours of phone calls to friends and relatives in New York and Pittsburgh. I was sickened at the thought of what had happened for weeks after.
You are going to be feeling this grief for a long time no doubt. There's no need to push it away. Just feel it in all its gut-wrenching pain. People who haven't been through something like this think you "get over it" and that "time heals." Well, yes, time does heal but there will always be moments where the grief wells up, years afterward. Don't fight it. So, wail or scream or pound the floor and then it'll let go because you allowed it to have its say. It is part of you, your experience on this earth now and it has made you person of greater substance. You'll have an empathy and a depth of feeling that others never can. I've found that if you try to ignore it and push it away or suppress it it'll color your life an endless solid gray instead of the black-as-night moments interspersed among times of great color. You're doing so good with your challenge and taking charge despite what you've gone through. Just always remember, your friend would not want to see you crying and depressed over his death. Give him now the beauty that he gave you. Remember, if he can still be with you then it's most likely you are still with him. We may be separated physically but not in our minds and hearts. |
Hi....I'm so sorry. I lost a nephew to murder. I'm praying for peace in your heart.
http://www.vfwds.com/graphics/images.../pkrosebud.gif |
(((HUGS)))
You did so good not bingeing. That took a lot of strength. |
Thank you all so very much for your words of kindness and support...
Again, I dont mean to make everyone sad or anything.. you know? I just.. am still having a hard time and I think I always will.. just cause it was so sudden...... and unexpected.. and Im sure you know too, Angel-Lover (i hope i got that SN right..) if you ever want to talk about it let me know.... right now I actually keep in contact with Jeff's mother by email.. I didnt know her really when he died.. but I met her at his funeral.. and a few months after she found the webpage (yes, Redballoon to answer ur question I made it) and emailed me.. and we've been writing eachother ever since. And I know what you mean about 9/11 too, Redballoon. Its just everything comes back, and I know it must be hard being all the way on Tokyo too.. at least you know when the news came and having family here as well. I just know that all I wanted to do was be with my family and just.. try to see my way through it. Even when Jeff died.. my mom has been and will always be my pillar of support.. and my boyfriend too.... who lost his best friend and his other friend erik who died that day that he knew for 6 years. my bf was supposed to be at work that fateful day but... he managed to get sick (along with me) and that is what saved his life..... and he was walking around with an air of guilt because he cannot understand why his friends were murdered and he was saved... or why he couldnt save them..... its still a very difficult thing to go through and talk about. I think only those who have suffered aloss like this can truly understand. And it made me feel more about 9/11 because I can relate to it more, in that losing someone you love so unexpectedly, so senselessly and so tragically. Of course 9/11 is on a much larger scale, but I believe any loss such as that is murder. Our loved ones our people that died on 9/11 in the planes, the WTC, the pentagon.. they were savagely murdered..... their lives unjustly taken.... and even though I cannot understand their grief directly, I do understand the kind of greif and sadness losing someone close to you by such horrid acts of violence. I know this is a little off topic, but I cant help but write this. I have been keeping up with the diet. I do think I gained alot of weight since Dec 1, 2002 just eating to not feel pain anymore.. I know I wasnt thin before then.. but still.. I feel guilty about that too. Thank you too Redballon, I know he wouldnt want to see me sad.. he LOVED to make people laugh..... he was so good at it... and Im best friends with his girlfriend... and... its just hard to see her so distraught and directionless.. but she is improving.... Thank you all for your support, you have no idea how much you all are doing for me.. and for eachother... god bless you.... |
Hi, again. You've done the right thing...both with this...& with the website (it's nice). It'll help with the healing. You'll probably never really "recover"....but you'll go on, & have good memories, eventually, to replace the bad ones. Believe it, or not...life will get better.
My problem was finding forgiveness. My nephew was deliberately murdered....on Thanksgiving Day. I was totally miserable. I've always loved people....& being a christian, also....couldn't understand how I could have hatred in my heart. I didn't want to...when you go through a trial....watch your sister slowly deteriorate, mentally, etc....it works on you. No...the guy didn't need my forgiveness. With this going on, though, my life was also being destroyed along with my nephews'. It took about a year....of absolute misery....& I realized he wasn't worth it. This guy was not worth my future! I had to forgive....it took a lot of prayer, & reaching deep into my soul...but I did forgive. This happened about 5 yrs ago. He was killed in a drunken brawl recently....shot between the eyes. It's sad for someone to die like that. Now, when I'm with my sister & his brothers & sisters...we have good conversations of the happy memories we have. Yes, Thanksgiving isn't the holiday we look forward to...but we meet as family & give each other comfort & encouragement. You may not need to forgive....but whatever your need is...please work on it. If you don't....it'll work on you. I read recently....."A man is not dead....unless he's forgotten" Your friend & my nephew....will NEVER be forgotten! God Bless You http://home.att.net/~scorh2/Card38.jpg |
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