This is a question that seems to follow all my weight loss attempts like a shadow. Why would I actually want to lose weight?
Well, it has a lot to do with how other people perceive me, how sometimes I feel limited in my style and I'm judged more harshly if I dress a certain way, I avoid going to the doctor because I'm afraid he'll brush me off or judge me more harshly if I get certain tests wrong (I started having high blood pressure readings if I don't have time to settle myself first. I'm so scared it will be high that it gets high. The second reading typically is normal to low and I apparently have stellar blood tests every time. I'm always so scared they wouldn't be because of how they would judge me more harshly because I am big).
But then, is any of that a problem of my size? It causes problems for me, but is that a basis for me to feel bad about myself, to do things I might not be comfortable doing? Why should I? "They" are the ones making me uncomfortable, making the world an unnecessarily difficult place for me (but then, it's mostly me inserting thoughts into their heads). It's not my size as such, that's just a trigger, a hook for the real problem here, really.
I don't like being the size I am, plain as that. Why? I can't tell. Am I brainwashed? Am I afraid my partner will leave me, even though he tells me I am beautiful every day? Why is it so hard for me to believe he sees me that way? Do I get all caught up in what "they" tell me I should be, I should do, to the point where I can't tell what I want myself to be? I don't like the way things are, but why is it such a big deal? Am I making it into a big deal in my head? Why?
Why?
Why is it my body, my weight, when I am quite comfortable with where I am going in my life otherwise? Why does it feel like something I can't let go either way (either lose it or not care).
What makes me so scared of being seen as attractive to random men? Afraid of being attacked? Creating bad blood when I need to reject someone's advances? Why can't they just be friends? They are certainly capable of it now... Therefore it's possible. Why then do they go all stupid when they see an attractive girl... a half of the world population lost. I don't want to participate in the mating dance as I am taken (and even when I wasn't, I preferred to approach on my terms), but as a female I seem to have no choice in that matter. Why does nobody else find it scary? How can some girls find it flattering even? Why am I told I should want this? If I were a guy, I just wouldn't approach anybody if I didn't feel like it, but a woman can't choose if she's in or not.
I feel like I exist in a social twilight, where certain rules don't apply and I'm a little removed from everything. There's a lot of freedom to gain from that. Safe from pressure, safe from undue expectations... and safe from a whole another brand of judgment based on the fact that I would be widely perceived as a sexual being and not much more than that. Being friends with guys, I know how attraction can turn nastily bitter.
But then, if this is all there is to it, why am I bothered by the weight at all? And I am. I want it gone. Why, though?