Unsupportive Spouse
 

I'm sure this has been covered in other threads but I haven't come across a situation such as mine. Ive read about how spouses aren't "encouraging" and constantly bring in junk food, etc. Mine is the opposite. He is SO on board with me losing weight that its actually getting hurtful. His enthusiasm always hurt a little bit but recently we started fighting about it. He told me that I should have gotten into better shape by now and that he's frustrated that I can't stick with my diet. I've lost 15 pounds so far, with some people saying how amazing I look and that I don't need to lose anymore. He's the only one that encouraging another 30 lbs weight loss and he's annoyed at the fact that I weigh more than him. We've been married about 3 months almost and he says I should have done this long before. He said how can i expect him to want to have sex when the physical attraction isn't there. We have sex about 2-3 times per month, if that.

I don't know what to do. I feel like losing weight isn't going to be the end of this.

I'm sorry he is being unkind, but if he has a problem with your weight that's his problem. I'd ask him to refrain from any negative comments on your body. My husband married me when I was 100+ lbs heavier than him and he found me attractive, and still does having lost over 100 lbs. He sounds like he has some personal issues he is trying to place on you. If he can't see your beauty without the weight, he won't be able to see it when it's gone. With people like that nothing is good enough.

I'm sorry about the way your husband is acting. He is being disrespectful and controlling in my opinion. Did he mention any of these things about your weight prior to getting married 3 months ago? That is not a long time so unless you have gained weight within the last 3 months, you are the same as when he married you. Why is it all of the sudden a problem?

I would tell him that your weight is your business and you are doing this for yourself not him. (Which I hope you are.) I have been married 13 years and have gained and now lost 50lbs in the time we have been together and he has never said anything remotely like your husband has. That is not appropriate behavior and you are probably right that it won't stop after the weight loss. I would definitely have a talk with him about this and nip this controlling behavior in the bud or it will get worse. I wish you the best of luck!

That's exactly what I'm worried about :(. He doesn't seem to understand how hurtful it is like my weight is all that matters or my appearance is what's important. That's why I'm worried I'll lose more weight but somehow I still won't be good enough.

He seems to think that I gained weight since the beginning of our relationship. The only time I've gained was after the wedding and it was 10 lbs. so now I actually weigh 5 lbs less than he's ever known me. The thing that truly hurt was (sorry for being crass) he kept saying he never saw me naked before so he "didn't know". This has never been an issue before we got married at all, he never made a comment about me losing weight or thinking I'm overweight. I'm pretty sure we weigh about the same give or take 5 or 10 lbs so maybe he didn't notice when we were dating. I don't know. I just can't shake this feeling like since we got married, I haven't measured up.

I'm so sorry. That is not respectful behavior and it shows some character flaws in him. How is he going to feel if you have children or gain any weight? I would ask him flat out if his love for you is dependent on your size. You are married but remember that it is your body, and you decide whether or not you like it. You could be 300 lbs overweight and a man can decide in his own heart if he is attracted to you.

I know I'm just some random old married lady on the internet but I think you need to see a marriage counselor. If he won't go with you, you need to go by yourself. What he's doing to you is not nice. My next suggestion may seem completely out of the blue but I'm wondering if he could possibly have a pornography addiction? I keep hearing about women whose husbands have lost interest in sex and then blamed it on other things (house wasn't clean, wife too fat, etc.) and each time it was actually a pornography addiction. I think it's getting more common because of the easy access with the internet. Anyway, just a thought that might be worth your consideration from some a random stranger on the internet.

I second this fully ^

Even if you have gained a little weight, that is still not a reason for him to say things like that to you. I'm taking it from your comment "he didn't know" and have never seen you naked that you two waited until marriage for for sexual intimacy so maybe he is just nervous about his performance or insecure about himself and he is disrespectfully projecting that onto you.

If you two are going to be married for a long time then he is going to have to understand that he can not talk to you this way. People's bodies change, age, gain/lose weight over the years. He can't expect you to be some perfect person physically forever, that's unreasonable. And don't worry about you measuring up, how is he measuring up? What does he look like? Is he some perfect Adonis? Doubtful. From what I'm reading all he seems to care about is looks and that is not good. Is he otherwise kind to you, thoughtful, loving, etc.? A marriage is a two-way street and his opinion is not the only one that matters. How do you feel about him?

Also I agree with the poster above me that marriage counseling is probably a good idea or at least individual counseling for you. This is not normal behavior and I don't want you to think this is your fault. It is not your fault! This is on him. I don't want you to have low self-esteem and resentment for your husband for years to come, something needs to be done to stop this behavior now.

Always remember that people treat us the way we allow them to treat us. Nip disrespectful behavior in the bud quickly.

I am afraid you are in for a lifetime of hurt. Please go to marriage counseling. I think you may end up needing to go home and tell your mom you made a huge mistake. If the weight does come off, then he will be trying to control something else. Mental abuse is as bad as physical, just don't have the bruises. Do not let his problems become yours.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't think of anything more hurtful for a husband to say to a wife than that. And wow, waiting until marriage to see each other naked is a rare thing these days, it takes a lot of strength to make that decision and I'm so sorry that he's let you down. In fact I think he's more of a let down than your body could ever be.

You do not deserve that.
Nobody should ever say something so hurtful to anyone least of all a husband to a wife.
Your body, size, and shape is none of his business. You allow him to admire it, make love to it, and appreciate it. Beyond that he has no say in what goes in it and what shape/size it should be. It's called body autonomy. You are not a cow that he purchased.
Take action now. Do not be complacent to this. When you are older and wiser you will look back and kick yourself if you allow this to go on. Unhappiness, as small and inconsequential as it may seem at the moment is like a pearl. It starts of as a speck of dirt in an oyster and overtime it grows and grows and morphs into resentment. Resentment is bitter poison.