Invisible fat person or skewed perception??
 

Okay, so here's my question:

A couple of times this week I have had occassions (one at a dinner and another at a party) where I've been a part of a conversation and the person speaking has said something about overweight people and I feel like I've sidestepped into the twilight zone. I can't really figure out if the person talking (sometimes to me) does not view me as part of that group of people that they are calling "fat" (or very rudely "jelly rolls") or if I have reached a weight where they feel the need to shame me by not sensoring themselves or I've now become invisible in the conversation.
I'm 5'8" and 190 pounds. I am not a thin woman. Has anyone had this experience and what was your reaction? So far mine has been the very lame stare followed by "No, i don't know what you mean." or just the stare.

I would think that they don't consider you fat. I really can't imagine people being that much of an *******. Do you ever listen to podcasts? A show called "This American Life" just posted an episode about different self described 'fat' women (some of whom are happy and other who lost weight) and one of the people talks about something really similar to what you're describing.

I'll have to go find that and listen to it. It sounds interesting. Thanks.

I have and I believe it's because they don't consider you fat. I always get really quiet and just hope the topic passes quickly.

I would assume they don't consider you fat, because that doesn't sound fat to me. Everyone's body is different of course but I'm 5'8.5 and when I'm 190 I feel like I look pretty darn good, not skinny but certainly not "fat". So it sounds like a matter of perception to me. What weight / size makes someone "fat" is quite subjective and totally depends on who you ask. :)

I'm the same height/weight and I think if you look athletic/toned, they don't consider you "fat". I wouldn't worry about it.

My best friend (125 lbs.) was going on and on about how fat she was, and I said, "If you're fat, then I'm something from National Geographic." That snapped her out of it! LOL!

I've learned to speak up in these types of conversations. I see myself as part of the fat-acceptance movement and I don't like to hide away and hope nobody notices me anymore. I've also learned that worjust ds like "fat" and "jelly rolls" are things that are on my body. So what? I'm not at all insulted if someone calls me blonde because I am blonde and I'm not insulted if someone calls me fat because I am fat. C'est la vie. If it really makes you feel uncomfortable speak up and ask everyone to cool it on the insults, or steer the conversation in a more positive direction.

One of the issues with the discussion on obesity from both sides is if you ask people in general what they think of as "obese" it tends to be what is technically well beyond obese, even beyond morbidly obese. When looking at pictures "obesity" registers at a BMI of somewhere between 45 and 50 (obese starts at 30, 40 is considered morbidly obese or obeseIII). The term "fat" tends to register lower, but still well into the obese range usually into obese II and obese III. (I say issues, because especially with childhood obesity, many people think of themselves as "a little overweight" and their children as "having a little baby fat" when they are well into obese and it is a difficult discussion for doctors)

Most people simply will not register a woman who is 5'8" 190 (BMI overweight but well below obese) as fat. In fact you are probably fairly representative of what seems "average" to most people.

So yes, I dont think they consider you fat. OTOH, anyone calling anyone "jelly rolls" should be called out on it.

I wish I had called out some of my friends self fat loathing words when I was thinner. They were all thin to very very thin women calling themselves fat and it irritated the **** out of me at 130 lbs because they were so mean to themselves. But now if I said something they would think I was offended.

Inkrid I'm impressed that snapped her out of it. When I was struggling with regaining and in the obese range and frustrated my one size 2 friend went from fat shaming herself to "Oh, you aren't fat! Don't say that! It's just muscle " and back to fat shaming herself without pausing for breath.

Thanks for the different perspectives. This topic touches on a couple of issues that I have to address and I see people on here struggle with. Those of "How do I see myself when I look in the mirror and does that match the 'new me' that has lost/gained weight?" and then "How do others see me and does that match up to how I see myself?"

Palestrina- I think it says something sad about our society that weight is considered something that you can use as a divination rod to determine things about someone's character or personality.

One of my girlfriends who at her heaviest weighed 145 lbs explained that she has a different "normal" for herself. Her normal was 120-125. When she had gained 20 lbs, that was a big deal for her because at her normal weight, a 20 lb gain was a lot--she couldn't wear her old clothes, etc. 20/120 = 16.67% weight gain.

At my size, to gain that same percentage, it's 60 lbs. (360 x 16.67%) unless I miscalculated, which is possible, so please don't beat me.

I didn't think she was fat, and I wasn't on board with the self-hatred...but that was the first time I understood it.

As to the OP, yeah, they don't see you as fat. At your height, I'd consider you thick...and I'd love to be your size.