It's been a REALLY rough road :(
 

I've been separated for three years, divorced for almost a year. 2014 was the most turmoil I've ever seen in my life. My spouse of 25 years had enough of being married (mind you...I was a great wife; cooked, cleaned, did all the laundry, worked outside the home, did all the grocery shopping and took care of my hubby very well - including the intimate stuff!). We did argue at times and he didn't like that. Other than that, we were good.

Talk about major life changes. Feb 2014, our house sold (this was his idea; I wasn't ready for any more changes after he left). March 2014, I had moved out of the house and into a condo. May 2014, wound up getting VERY sick (it wound up being colitis, which caused me to constantly get sick to my stomach; not to mention the horrible diarrhea and intenstinal pain). August 2014 the divorce was final.

Back to 2012; I had lost 100 pounds - felt the BEST I ever had. Wound up gaining it all back by the end of 2013.

It's been so hard getting back on track. Mostly because I have pretty much given up on life. No, I'm not suicidal, but I struggle with sadness - mostly due to my weight gain and yes, the divorce.

Been trying to get back on the horse, but I keep falling off. I re-started my healthy eating program on Sunday (July 19th) and I have been doing good so far. Exercise is painful to do (my hips have inflammation and just the excess body weight sucks). But I keep pushing thru it. I cry halfway thru my workouts because I'm so disgusted of how I look and how tired I am as I am doing them. All I remember back in 2012 is how much energy I had. I would come home and get changed and workout doing cardio; then go downstairs into my basement and do weight training.

I have all the equipment in my condo to do all of this with. My mindset isn't the same for some reason. Maybe because my ex husband lifted weights with me and was my "cheerleader". Whatever the reason, I need to know how to push myself through this.

Anyone else go through something similar?

Sorry for the long post :(

Not with the weight (as I lost it and managed to keep it off) but I am recently (1 year in) separated after 9 years of marriage with two small kids who now live outside the country. It sucks.

For me, my diet and exercise are really the only things that keep me going. They give me relief from anxiety and allow me to focus on me. And they're two things my wife cannot take away from me. Which gives me comfort.

You are right with the arguments. Once they become regular, the writing is often on the wall for a marriage. That and regularly sleeping in separate rooms (a result of arguments for me). That will kill it too.

And, of course, people change.

An old boss of mine once gave me some good advice I should have listened to. It was never go to bed or leave for work arguing with your spouse.

Good luck! You need to find the new you. And life will get much better.

I'm so sorry. Divorce up close is always so much more tragic than it appears from the outside.

I haven't been through a divorce but I parented a child with reactive attachment disorder while simultaneously parenting three other kids. It was so stressful that all I did was gain, gain, gain. It wasn't that I was eating, it was that I was in sort of a one day at a time daze. I was simply pulling myself through and not thinking about my food choices or my lifestyle. I just didn't have the energy to spend on myself.

But as time went by and my son began to heal, I became more unhappy with myself. I knew I was going to die if I didn't change something. First it was just doing what I could. Sometimes I'd walk or do Pilates, but nothing really regular. And then I began looking at my most unhealthy habits. For me, number one was my nutrasweet consumption. So then I began making one change at a time. First, I cut out the nutrasweet. I didn't lose a single pound, but this change was not just about weight loss, I was healing my body. Then a few months later, I cut out the sugar. Then the weight started to come off. Then I committed to daily exercise. Now, I'm getting healthier everyday. I'm sleeping better. I have more energy.

So I guess I would say don't try to do everything all at once. Do what you can NOW. Incorporate that change and then make another. I think you'll eventually find that healthy living will give you control over your life. Hang in there.

Originally Posted by IanG:
Not with the weight (as I lost it and managed to keep it off) but I am recently (1 year in) separated after 9 years of marriage with two small kids who now live outside the country. It sucks.

For me, my diet and exercise are really the only things that keep me going. They give me relief from anxiety and allow me to focus on me. And they're two things my wife cannot take away from me. Which gives me comfort.

You are right with the arguments. Once they become regular, the writing is often on the wall for a marriage. That and regularly sleeping in separate rooms (a result of arguments for me). That will kill it too.

And, of course, people change.

An old boss of mine once gave me some good advice I should have listened to. It was never go to bed or leave for work arguing with your spouse.

Good luck! You need to find the new you. And life will get much better.

Like Ian, when I was approaching my divorce and going through it, my commitment was much stronger because it was something that I was doing for myself and nobody else could take it away. It gave me a focus that I wouldn't have otherwise had, and looking great was a much needed self-esteem boost.

What is nice is being 100% responsible for the foods you bring into the house. Meal plan, eat only what YOU like, and be kind to yourself. It does take time to really get back to feeling like you again, and sometimes that "you" is better than the one before.

:hug:

Thanks Ian and Treasa. I really appreciate your kind words.

It's funny...I thought at almost a year of being divorced I would be over everything and happy again. I guess being married for so long can be pretty traumatic. And, it doesn't help that I didn't want the divorce. I think if we were in agreement about the divorce, things would be much different for me.

So far, exercise has been something I really am struggling with. I do it, but I'm taking frequent breaks doing the DVD. And last night I couldn't even finish the DVD. I had about 10 min left of it. I was feeling light headed so I stopped the DVD. Have no idea why that happened. :( I layed down for a bit and it was gone. I'm just determined to do the same DVD again tonight. I will tweak it a bit different; won't use any weights for the second sets.

On the plus side....I lost 4 pounds since I started my program as of Sunday! That's always nice to see the scale moving. I'm hoping I can lose like I did the last time. I averaged 3 pounds a week. I might not be so lucky this time because I am going thru the change, which stinks.

Thanks again :)

Originally Posted by Munchy:
Like Ian, when I was approaching my divorce and going through it, my commitment was much stronger because it was something that I was doing for myself and nobody else could take it away. It gave me a focus that I wouldn't have otherwise had, and looking great was a much needed self-esteem boost.

What is nice is being 100% responsible for the foods you bring into the house. Meal plan, eat only what YOU like, and be kind to yourself. It does take time to really get back to feeling like you again, and sometimes that "you" is better than the one before.

:hug:

Thanks, Munchy :) Yeah, the funny thing is when he left, I still remained working out. I think what happened was I really thought he would come back. When he signed the lease to his condo for the second year, I starting getting depressed and realized this was probably the end. And what made it worse was several times he tried getting back together with me. After he broke it off the second time of trying to get back together, I completely fell apart and turned to food. After our house was sold and I moved into a condo, I didn't even want to continue living. Kept praying to God to take me home with Him. And yeah, I still feel the same way now. That's probably why it's been so difficult for me to stay on the horse; although I've been doing good since Sunday. Still riding the horse :)

What also hurts is that my ex has a girlfriend that he's serious about. They are in love with each other. And, she's tiny, petite and blonde. He's always wanted one of those. So....it makes me feel that much insecure.

I had to make a tough decision. I cut all ties and communication with him. I even changed my phone number so he can't call/text me. I need to heal, and I can't when we stay in contact with one another.

Originally Posted by :
It's funny...I thought at almost a year of being divorced I would be over everything and happy again. I guess being married for so long can be pretty traumatic.

I know. A year in and I still feel in shock. It's like a bomb going off in your soul. I swear I have a ringing in my ears. And I find myself walking around in a daze sometimes. But things will slowly get better. Time does heal. But slowly. I hate the flashbacks.

Originally Posted by IanG:
I know. A year in and I still feel in shock. It's like a bomb going off in your soul. I swear I have a ringing in my ears. And I find myself walking around in a daze sometimes. But things will slowly get better. Time does heal. But slowly. I hate the flashbacks.

I can't take anymore crying. It really stinks :(

Good analogy. A bomb going off in your soul. That's exactly how it is. Once I moved and all the craziness of having to pack the house up, make all the moving phone calls, etc., I felt like I hit a brick wall. I lost who I was. Who was I? I was a wife (a damn good one, too), a friend, a confidant, a mom. I'm still a mom, but I lost my soul mate. It's like a limb was severed from my body. And what hurts the most is seeing him with someone else. In LOVE with another person. I just wish this freaking pain would go away.

Sigh.

I'm sorry you got a divorce, It will get better, Since We are close to losing the same of weight I will be your weight loss buddy if you want too. You lost 4 pounds and I've lost 5 so thats pretty close to the same.

Ive been divorced for 3 years now too... and it's been hard, but after a while I enjoyed looking after myself for a change instead of him and his needs (cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping etc!)

it will get better, you can turn it around and try to see the positive side of things, like your nice new condo and more time for yourself.

Originally Posted by Terra1984:
I'm sorry you got a divorce, It will get better, Since We are close to losing the same of weight I will be your weight loss buddy if you want too. You lost 4 pounds and I've lost 5 so thats pretty close to the same.

Thanks Terra :) And yes, I would love to be your weight loss buddy!

Originally Posted by CheesecakeBrownie:
Ive been divorced for 3 years now too... and it's been hard, but after a while I enjoyed looking after myself for a change instead of him and his needs (cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping etc!)

it will get better, you can turn it around and try to see the positive side of things, like your nice new condo and more time for yourself.

CheesecakeB, sorry to hear about your divorce as well. Yes, I have to admit that the constant cooking for that man was getting really old. And back in July 2011, I went on Nutrisystem; that's how I originally lost my 100 pounds. I remember I changed the way I cooked and he would complain constantly about it. Yeah, there was no more homemade gravy (pasta sauce as non Italians know it by ;) no more of my baked ziti, no more of my homemade cheesecake. No more fattening foods. And I wasn't about to cook two different types of meals! It would have been way too tempting. I cooked clean and lean and he hated it. So that's when I started buying Trader Joe's meals that were easy for him to cook. But he HATED cooking, so he complained about that as well.

It's so ironic. Now he's with a new woman that doesn't even COOK! And that was a deal breaker back in the day if a woman didn't cook.

blah... men!

Mine was british and wanted bread/butter and meat and gravy at every meal... then I would make a totally different meal for myself that he would scoff at.

I feel your pain.... so ENJOY, like me, making your own decisions & food and new interests!

Okay...I'm now crying my eyes out after reading this thread...so afraid that I'm headed down a similar path. But, I'm trying to learn from others here and take care of myself now. Not for him, but for me and my confidence. Exercise does help me with the stress level too. (As long as I don't over do it).

It looks like you've already made some friends here who will support and cheer you on. Find a positive place and state of mind....don't let the negative thoughts enter....just push through one day at a time. I'll be cheering you on too!! Living well is the best revenge!

Originally Posted by minnie45:
Okay...I'm now crying my eyes out after reading this thread...so afraid that I'm headed down a similar path. But, I'm trying to learn from others here and take care of myself now. Not for him, but for me and my confidence. Exercise does help me with the stress level too. (As long as I don't over do it).

It looks like you've already made some friends here who will support and cheer you on. Find a positive place and state of mind....don't let the negative thoughts enter....just push through one day at a time. I'll be cheering you on too!! Living well is the best revenge!

Thanks Minnie :) Great people here on this board, for sure!

Well, if you are heading down the same path, definitely don't do what I did. I abandoned my healthy eating program and stopped exercising. And wound up not caring about anything. And you are right, living well is the best revenge. I kick myself in the butt when I think about the wonderful progress I made 2 years ago....and I sabotaged everything good that I did for me. I allowed him to get the best of me.

I truly hope you can work things out cause divorce sucks. Sorry you cried reading my posts :( Just stay focused on you. I'll keep you in my prayers, for sure :)

Originally Posted by CheesecakeBrownie:
blah... men!

Mine was british and wanted bread/butter and meat and gravy at every meal... then I would make a totally different meal for myself that he would scoff at.

I feel your pain.... so ENJOY, like me, making your own decisions & food and new interests!

Wow...you are a better lady than I was! I refused to make two separate meals. I didn't want any temptation around me. We rarely went out to dinner, so that wasn't an issue.

Yeah, I definitely have to say I do enjoy buying what I want; and not hearing any complaining about not making fattening meals!

BTW, your cheesecake brownie pic keeps making me WANT one!

Originally Posted by JerseyPAGirl:

It's been so hard getting back on track. Mostly because I have pretty much given up on life. No, I'm not suicidal, but I struggle with sadness - mostly due to my weight gain and yes, the divorce.

Been trying to get back on the horse, but I keep falling off. I re-started my healthy eating program on Sunday (July 19th) and I have been doing good so far. Exercise is painful to do (my hips have inflammation and just the excess body weight sucks). But I keep pushing thru it. I cry halfway thru my workouts because I'm so disgusted of how I look and how tired I am as I am doing them. All I remember back in 2012 is how much energy I had. I would come home and get changed and workout doing cardio; then go downstairs into my basement and do weight training.

I have all the equipment in my condo to do all of this with. My mindset isn't the same for some reason. Maybe because my ex husband lifted weights with me and was my "cheerleader". Whatever the reason, I need to know how to push myself through this.
(

Originally Posted by JerseyPAGirl:
So far, exercise has been something I really am struggling with. I do it, but I'm taking frequent breaks doing the DVD. And last night I couldn't even finish the DVD. I had about 10 min left of it. I was feeling light headed so I stopped the DVD. Have no idea why that happened. :( I layed down for a bit and it was gone. I'm just determined to do the same DVD again tonight.

Originally Posted by JerseyPAGirl:
... I completely fell apart and turned to food. After our house was sold and I moved into a condo, I didn't even want to continue living. Kept praying to God to take me home with Him. And yeah, I still feel the same way now. That's probably why it's been so difficult for me to stay on the horse; although I've been doing good since Sunday. Still riding the horse :)

I had to make a tough decision. I cut all ties and communication with him. I even changed my phone number so he can't call/text me. I need to heal, and I can't when we stay in contact with one another.

Originally Posted by JerseyPAGirl:
I can't take anymore crying....I lost who I was. Who was I? ...I just wish this freaking pain would go away.

I'm sorry for all you've been through. I haven't gone through a divorce myself but I imagine it's quite painful and messy.

But what I have been through is pure disgust at myself. I'm reading between the lines and all I see is that you don't like yourself very much. Rather than experiencing newfound freedom and pursuit of health and happiness it sounds more like you're trying to punish yourself with exercise you can't do and blaming yourself for all your regain. Well, you're not alone. Most people who diet and lose weight by dieting regain it. It's one of those horrible yet unavoidable statistics that nobody seems to want to believe.

Self blame, self disgust, self disappointment - they're all useless. There is no way you can take good care of something you hate. Build your self love and the rest will follow.

And why on earth are you doing a DVD you can't handle? What's wrong with starting with walking? What's wrong with starting a workout you can get through without feeling disappointed in yourself? We all know that fitness grows, it will grow for you too. And you've done it before so you'll get back there fast. But setting yourself up to do an exercise you can't get through is totally depressing and not much of a motivator. It sounds like you need all the motivation you can get.

I don't know, I'm just not on board with any kind of diet at all. I follow Intuitive Eating and have been happier now than I've been all my life despite the slow weight loss. I'm also eating healthier now than I ever did and enjoying exercise more than I ever have. Weightloss doesn't even have anything to do with it anymore although I know it's inevitable as I keep losing despite my indifference to it. Slowly but steadily.

To tell you the truth it sounds like you may need some counseling. What's the point of getting back on the horse again with weightloss if you don't want to live? You're welcome to visit the Intuitive Eating thread where we focus on hunger-directed eating, self esteem building and exercising for pleasure. But if you're having suicidal thoughts then a diet is the last thing you should be focusing on in my opinion. I really do hope you reach out for help.

Originally Posted by Palestrina:
I'm sorry for all you've been through. I haven't gone through a divorce myself but I imagine it's quite painful and messy.

But what I have been through is pure disgust at myself. I'm reading between the lines and all I see is that you don't like yourself very much. Rather than experiencing newfound freedom and pursuit of health and happiness it sounds more like you're trying to punish yourself with exercise you can't do and blaming yourself for all your regain. Well, you're not alone. Most people who diet and lose weight by dieting regain it. It's one of those horrible yet unavoidable statistics that nobody seems to want to believe.

Self blame, self disgust, self disappointment - they're all useless. There is no way you can take good care of something you hate. Build your self love and the rest will follow.

And why on earth are you doing a DVD you can't handle? What's wrong with starting with walking? What's wrong with starting a workout you can get through without feeling disappointed in yourself? We all know that fitness grows, it will grow for you too. And you've done it before so you'll get back there fast. But setting yourself up to do an exercise you can't get through is totally depressing and not much of a motivator. It sounds like you need all the motivation you can get.

I don't know, I'm just not on board with any kind of diet at all. I follow Intuitive Eating and have been happier now than I've been all my life despite the slow weight loss. I'm also eating healthier now than I ever did and enjoying exercise more than I ever have. Weightloss doesn't even have anything to do with it anymore although I know it's inevitable as I keep losing despite my indifference to it. Slowly but steadily.

To tell you the truth it sounds like you may need some counseling. What's the point of getting back on the horse again with weightloss if you don't want to live? You're welcome to visit the Intuitive Eating thread where we focus on hunger-directed eating, self esteem building and exercising for pleasure. But if you're having suicidal thoughts then a diet is the last thing you should be focusing on in my opinion. I really do hope you reach out for help.

There's a HUGE difference in hating the way you look and hating yourself. I don't hate WHO I AM. I'm a very good person. I like WHO I am. Unfortunately, I had an a$$hole of a husband who hated fat - and reminded me a lot of how much he hated it. I didn't lose the weight the first time for him. I did it for ME.

As for counseling, I can't afford it. I've even went to the freebie ones and they suck. So that is out of the question. That's why I pray. God will take care of me. I realize this is only a season of sadness; not a lifetime. Do I wish my life would stop? Yeah - sometimes I do. SOMETIMES. But that's because that would be the EASY way out. The pain and emotional upheaval sucks. It can be overwhelming at times and feel like it's never going to end. And no, I'm not suicidal.

What I DO dislike (not hate) is my ex and his ho of a girlfriend. She decided to sleep with him while we were married. But that's a whole different thread that won't be posted - cause it's too painful to talk about.

And because of the a$$hole I was married to, I now equate thin with being accepted. And loved. Thank God I have a very, very good male friend who thinks otherwise. No, we are not dating. Hopefully someday. Cause I'm not ready for anyone to enter my life. I have to fix ME.....and I'm the only one who can do it.

Exercise is my Prozac. It's my lifeline to feeling good. I never said I was doing a super hard workout. I know exactly what to do. How to tweak things to make the workout work for me. You know how it was when you first started working out. You are tired....exhausted. Also, this is the first week that I've been working out DAILY, not just a couple of times a week. So my body has to adjust. And it's now starting to.

I have my good days and my bad days. Last year at this time, every day was a bad day. Do my bad days outweigh my good ones? Not yet....but they will. That's why I got my phone number changed so my stupid ex doesn't upset me and aggrevate me. I don't need the drama in my life. So now, I've totally disconnected from the jerk. And this has been the first week I can actually THINK straight. That's because I don't have him upsetting me anymore. So there's my silver lining :)

Not wanting to live.... I've never experienced the will to not be alive and I don't view it for a second as a normal harmless feeling. My mother buried a son and never felt that way, though it would be logical in a scenario like that. I've known many women who divorced and never felt that way either so when someone repeatedly mentions they don't want to live and want the pain to end it's a red flag. When ending your life seems EASY as opposed to moving on from a failed marriage that's not right. I don't see anything easy about dying, I don't know anyone who does!

Religion does not govern my conscience but I know religious people do like to say that God helps those who help themselves. Prayer instead of legitimate medical attention is not a concept I understand, this is not Little House on the Prairie. It's a scapegoat to blame the other woman for a marriage that failed between 2 adults but that's just my opinion. That woman didn't take any vows to either of you so pointing fingers is just a way to offset some pain but ultimately theatrics. He's out of your life now but she was never in it to begin with.

I can understand why you would be so defensive but I was trying to lend support. Life has some bad turns some times. Diets don't fix lives, ask anyone who's lost a bunch of weight. You lost 100lbs and yet your marriage failed anyway, as did IanG's and I've never heard him saying he had no will to live. Saddness and not wanting to live do not go hand in hand. Losing weight will better your health, build your self esteem, etc. But it cannot fix anyone's life, it will help but not cure depression, it will make you look slimmer but it won't stop you from feeling disgusted with yourself. Because a reflexion in the mirror is just a perception, changing what's on the outside does not fix how you view it from the inside. I really wish that a diet would affirm your will to live, but they don't even work for weightloss so how would they fix that? But hey, you seem to know what you're doing so do what you think is right.

Originally Posted by Palestrina:
Not wanting to live.... I've never experienced the will to not be alive and I don't view it for a second as a normal harmless feeling. My mother buried a son and never felt that way, though it would be logical in a scenario like that. I've known many women who divorced and never felt that way either so when someone repeatedly mentions they don't want to live and want the pain to end it's a red flag. When ending your life seems EASY as opposed to moving on from a failed marriage that's not right. I don't see anything easy about dying, I don't know anyone who does!

Religion does not govern my conscience but I know religious people do like to say that God helps those who help themselves. Prayer instead of legitimate medical attention is not a concept I understand, this is not Little House on the Prairie. It's a scapegoat to blame the other woman for a marriage that failed between 2 adults but that's just my opinion. That woman didn't take any vows to either of you so pointing fingers is just a way to offset some pain but ultimately theatrics. He's out of your life now but she was never in it to begin with.

I can understand why you would be so defensive but I was trying to lend support. Life has some bad turns some times. Diets don't fix lives, ask anyone who's lost a bunch of weight. You lost 100lbs and yet your marriage failed anyway, as did IanG's and I've never heard him saying he had no will to live. Saddness and not wanting to live do not go hand in hand. Losing weight will better your health, build your self esteem, etc. But it cannot fix anyone's life, it will help but not cure depression, it will make you look slimmer but it won't stop you from feeling disgusted with yourself. Because a reflexion in the mirror is just a perception, changing what's on the outside does not fix how you view it from the inside. I really wish that a diet would affirm your will to live, but they don't even work for weightloss so how would they fix that? But hey, you seem to know what you're doing so do what you think is right.

Maybe I am so defensive because you are very presumptuous.

When I lost my 100 pounds two years ago, I started my journey VERY depressed. I had quit smoking 10 years ago and fell into a deep, horrible depression. And yeah, back then I was suicidal. I had gone to countless doctors to try and get help. I couldn't take the anti-depressants because I had many side effects. Went to counseling, went to acupuncture.....I thought maybe my hormones were out of whack so I went to a specialist for that. I tried every avenue I could. Until a trainer that I met in the grocery store told me I should start working out and change my diet.

That's when the depression starting going away. It took about a month, but it left. And as I got stronger, I was able to do more workouts...harder workouts. And I loved every second of it. My screw up was believing my husband at the time....when he got back together....broke off...got back together again. Food became my friend (once again) and I didn't care about a damn thing....including myself.

Why do you think I'm working out? This just isn't about getting thin. I'm living proof that you can stop depression with diet and exercise. Counseling sucks; I have no interest because I have my "diety" as you probably would prefer to call Him. I call him God. And yeah, whatever - it may not be Little House, but I know He will get me through this. He has a plan for my life. Why do you think I'm not suicidal?? It's because of Him, my God that I'm not. I'm not about religion, I'm about relationship. And I have a good relationship with Christ. Am I perfect? Nope. Never will be either.

I have every right to despise his girlfriend, or as I call her, Ho. She didn't care he was married when she slept with him. How would you like someone sleeping with your husband behind your back? Me thinks you would feel very bitter towards her. Scapegoat? I'm not making her a scapegoat. She isn't the reason my marriage failed....I know that. But you don't sleep with someone until they are divorced. My ex and I had a great relationship until she came into the picture. Now that he has her, my relationship, which when he didn't have anyone was on the mend and could have possibly been fixed, was shattered with her entrance. And the thought of someone sleeping with my soul mate, the person I was married to for 25 years, made me want to vomit.

So....unless you have walked a mile in my shoes, you have no clue.

Originally Posted by JerseyPAGirl:
Why do you think I'm working out? This just isn't about getting thin. I'm living proof that you can stop depression with diet and exercise.

I don't doubt that it's very painful to be left for someone else and having anger directed in all directions is somewhat inevitable. I'm sure she had her own reasons for sleeping with a married man but you were the furthest thing from her mind when she did it. Women fall in bed with a man because of how he makes her feel and that's it, they don't go to bed with a man whilst thinking about other women. She may not share your views about the sanctity of marriage which is not unusual, many don't. "You don't sleep with someone until THEY are divorced" is not a mantra you can impose on someone else. Your husband is the one who broke vows and hurt you. Not trying to condone anyone here, just saying. I can't imagine how I would react if my husband did that, I'm sure there would be feelings of anger but I can't imagine directing them at someone other than my husband.

I'm sure religion is a great comfort, it's just not a replacement for medical attention. I'm sorry you came in contact with therapists that weren't a good fit for you, I've met my share of useless therapists but then was lucky enough to find a couple of really good people that helped me through some tough times. It's alarming that you're nonchalant about having suicidal thoughts.

Are you proof that you can stop depression with diet and exercise? No, not if if it all came crashing back. Like I said, it helps, but it doesn't cure. You are though yet another example of how diets lead to regain. If nothing I say makes sense to you that's fine. I've got my own shoes to walk in, I hope you can find some peace in forgiveness and embrace the life that is awaiting you.

Im so sorry JerseyPA girl. I have been through a divorce and I know how unbelievably painful it is. And *I* was the one who wanted it. I remember that first morning without him waking up and not knowing how to make the coffee. He always got up before me and he made the coffee. I literally did not know how to operate the coffee maker. But I learned, and I learned how to do all the things he did for me and then some. I did get through it but it was one of the most painful times in my life so far.

I am now happily remarried but it was rough. My ex is happily remarried too and we are both much happier. I just wanted to offer you sympathy. You can and will get through this.

Palestrina It might be time for you to gracefully bow out of this thread. You are no longer being supportive, just argumentative and it's not progressing the thread. The OP has the right to her opinions, just as you do, but since she started this and not you she gets to set the tone.

Jersey I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through. It's not okay and it's not your fault. You have every right to feel hurt and discouraged. But I am so proud to hear you stand up for what you believe and that you are taking control of the things in your life you can change.

Originally Posted by LovelyLeah:
Palestrina It might be time for you to gracefully bow out of this thread. You are no longer being supportive, just argumentative and it's not progressing the thread. The OP has the right to her opinions, just as you do, but since she started this and not you she gets to set the tone.

Jersey I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through. It's not okay and it's not your fault. You have every right to feel hurt and discouraged. But I am so proud to hear you stand up for what you believe and that you are taking control of the things in your life you can change.

I agree! Jersey, you have my support! Women....need to keep their legs closed to married men! What goes around comes around, and she will lose him the same way she got him.

Jersey-i just want to send you hugs and support. You have been through so much and didn't deserve to be treated that way. I'm glad that you've found some ways to cope with God, exercise and diet changes.

Originally Posted by Palestrina:
I don't doubt that it's very painful to be left for someone else and having anger directed in all directions is somewhat inevitable. I'm sure she had her own reasons for sleeping with a married man but you were the furthest thing from her mind when she did it. Women fall in bed with a man because of how he makes her feel and that's it, they don't go to bed with a man whilst thinking about other women. She may not share your views about the sanctity of marriage which is not unusual, many don't. "You don't sleep with someone until THEY are divorced" is not a mantra you can impose on someone else. Your husband is the one who broke vows and hurt you. Not trying to condone anyone here, just saying. I can't imagine how I would react if my husband did that, I'm sure there would be feelings of anger but I can't imagine directing them at someone other than my husband.

I'm sure religion is a great comfort, it's just not a replacement for medical attention. I'm sorry you came in contact with therapists that weren't a good fit for you, I've met my share of useless therapists but then was lucky enough to find a couple of really good people that helped me through some tough times. It's alarming that you're nonchalant about having suicidal thoughts.

Are you proof that you can stop depression with diet and exercise? No, not if if it all came crashing back. Like I said, it helps, but it doesn't cure. You are though yet another example of how diets lead to regain. If nothing I say makes sense to you that's fine. I've got my own shoes to walk in, I hope you can find some peace in forgiveness and embrace the life that is awaiting you.

Again, I don't have suicidal thoughts. Wow, are you dense?? Anyway, you are now blocked because your comments are worthless and you apparently don't have a clue what you are talking about. And I don't have the patience or time to deal with people such as yourself.

Originally Posted by minnie45:
I agree! Jersey, you have my support! Women....need to keep their legs closed to married men! What goes around comes around, and she will lose him the same way she got him.

Ha! Absolutely agree with you!! Yes, I sure hope so.

Originally Posted by HIheart:
Jersey-i just want to send you hugs and support. You have been through so much and didn't deserve to be treated that way. I'm glad that you've found some ways to cope with God, exercise and diet changes.

Thanks, HiHeart :)

Yeah, no one deserves this treatment. It's a very painful process to go through. But I'll get there. I appreciate your support :)

Originally Posted by LovelyLeah:
Palestrina It might be time for you to gracefully bow out of this thread. You are no longer being supportive, just argumentative and it's not progressing the thread. The OP has the right to her opinions, just as you do, but since she started this and not you she gets to set the tone.

Jersey I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through. It's not okay and it's not your fault. You have every right to feel hurt and discouraged. But I am so proud to hear you stand up for what you believe and that you are taking control of the things in your life you can change.

Thank you, LovelyLeah. Yeah, I think Palestrina got a bit carried away with herself. She was treading waters that she obviously doesn't have a clue about. And there is so much more to the story that I told, but I didn't feel the need to go into a full blown detail.

Your support is greatly appreciated :) Thanks again!

Originally Posted by Pinkhippie:
Im so sorry JerseyPA girl. I have been through a divorce and I know how unbelievably painful it is. And *I* was the one who wanted it. I remember that first morning without him waking up and not knowing how to make the coffee. He always got up before me and he made the coffee. I literally did not know how to operate the coffee maker. But I learned, and I learned how to do all the things he did for me and then some. I did get through it but it was one of the most painful times in my life so far.

I am now happily remarried but it was rough. My ex is happily remarried too and we are both much happier. I just wanted to offer you sympathy. You can and will get through this.

Thanks, Pinkhippie! Glad you found happiness again. I will, too....it's just taking some serious time to get here :dizzy:

:)

Jersy...so sorry you are going through all of this. I, too, went through divorce, my choice because of the unfaithful person I was married to. We went to counseling however he did not change is ways. I prayed every day for God to give me peace and one day a couple of years later, he did. I got up one morning and I no longer had the hurt in my heart. I hope you get that peace also. Hugs.

Thanks, Annie :)

Yeah, I need to get him out of my heart and head. It's been hard. I feel sometimes like life will never get back to normal. Whatever normal is :)

Jersey, I just wanted to send <hugs> your way. I've never gone through a divorce, so I cannot to pretend to know the depth of your pain, but I was recently hurt by a man that I loved and can relate to the anger and sadness that go along with a partner's choices and selfishness. Hang in there and try to embrace this as a time to take care of yourself, get heathy, and find out who you are without him. As someone else said, living well is the best revenge. Although my motivation for weight loss and health is all for me this time, I can't say that sentiment hasn't fueled many of my workouts over the past few months. Dig deep. You are strong and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fit, more fulfilled person.

Originally Posted by JerseyPAGirl:
Thanks, Munchy :) Yeah, the funny thing is when he left, I still remained working out. I think what happened was I really thought he would come back. When he signed the lease to his condo for the second year, I starting getting depressed and realized this was probably the end. And what made it worse was several times he tried getting back together with me. After he broke it off the second time of trying to get back together, I completely fell apart and turned to food. After our house was sold and I moved into a condo, I didn't even want to continue living. Kept praying to God to take me home with Him. And yeah, I still feel the same way now. That's probably why it's been so difficult for me to stay on the horse; although I've been doing good since Sunday. Still riding the horse :)

What also hurts is that my ex has a girlfriend that he's serious about. They are in love with each other. And, she's tiny, petite and blonde. He's always wanted one of those. So....it makes me feel that much insecure.

I had to make a tough decision. I cut all ties and communication with him. I even changed my phone number so he can't call/text me. I need to heal, and I can't when we stay in contact with one another.

I totally feel you and I can speak to this. I have been through a divorce and it was messy, ugly, soul shattering and I still struggle with the disappointment of it all, including disappointing myself at times. It has been about 10 years now. In our case, I did choose to break it off after his unfaithfulness, but that was just the last straw, and I now realize I had been unhappy for awhile, and I have given up myself to cater to him. His needs, his problems, and I had lost myself and become depressed and disengaged in our relationship.

I commend you on cutting off contact! I found that every phone call, message, letter just seemed to re-open the wound for a long time. We didn't have kids so that made it easier too. I was lucky that he moved out of state too, so no chances of running into him.

I found the most helpful things for me were to acknowledge what I had given up personally in the relationship as a way of healing. I could have pointed my finger and just said he was unfaithful but I found it more beneficial to acknowledge the whole situation including my parts (ie, I let him be verbally abusive, I put up with his crap, I let him run us into debt etc.) I found the Gottman book "The Relationship Cure" to be really helpful to better know myself. Like you said, we have to work on ourselves first, before moving forward. I needed to make sure I wouldn't just repeat old patterns in a new relationship.

Fortunately, I did meet someone great, and supportive and mature and who cares for me emotionally. So there is always hope! Give yourself permission to work on yourself so that you can find someone deserving of you!

I sincerely wish you the best in this situation, and give yourself time to grieve, but also care for yourself. Sometimes when we spent so long caring for another that can feel overwhelming! But it looks like you have found some great support here too :)