Then I would first ask whether weight is really the issue behind those negative areas of the relationship that cannot be ignored.
For example, I had more sex with my wife at 281lbs than I did at 180. We went out more too!
You're the exception among men, not the rule. Don't expect every guy to be like you. Most men are very visual when it comes to physical attraction; I'm not telling you anything new. Reality for most people is that intimacy isn't going to be the same if one's spouse is of average size vs., say, 100 lbs. overweight - I don't care what anybody says. I didn't make this post to start an argument, either. I love my wife just as much today as I did when we married, and some people seem to confuse the two - or either they're being P.C. about it and trying to say that weight extremes - obese or anorexic - don't matter.
You're the exception among men, not the rule. Don't expect every guy to be like you. Most men are very visual when it comes to physical attraction; I'm not telling you anything new. Reality for most people is that intimacy isn't going to be the same if one's spouse is of average size vs., say, 100 lbs. overweight - I don't care what anybody says. I didn't make this post to start an argument, either. I love my wife just as much today as I did when we married, and some people seem to confuse the two - or either they're being P.C. about it and trying to say that weight extremes - obese or anorexic - don't matter.
I would assume you are right, most men are visual...your problem is you are assuming most guy to be like you. *you* need to not expect every guy to be like you. Are men visual? Yes. Do they all find the same body attractive. No. You are assuming what you like is what everyone likes and that is the gold standard all women should be or else risk losing their spouse.
Health aside,
Women can be skinny, thin, soft, toned, muscular, over weight, obese, heavy, plump, boney, broad, tall, short etc...
What you call normal is some other guy's "too thin" or "too fat"...Some men like girls that lift, some find that unattractive....
Its very close minded the way you are approaching this. Be lucky your wife is the kind to cry for days, because if you were married to me (Irish Jersey girl)...let's just say you'd have a different idea of what women act like...
Last edited by GlamourGirl827; 07-07-2015 at 12:29 PM.
This comes up from time to time on 3FC, and people get very upset. The fact is, attraction is attraction. You can love someone and not find them physically attractive. Physical attraction just IS -- you can't fake it or force it. It doesn't mean you've stopped loving your spouse because of his/her weight, or that you're judging him/her (though there may be an element of that).
As for the OP's original question, I think the best thing you can do is lead by example and hope your spouse decides to follow. In the spirit of honesty, you could try telling her that while you still love her, you no longer find her physically attractive. I don't think that will go well, but it could be a wake-up call.
In the spirit of honesty, you could try telling her that while you still love her, you no longer find her physically attractive. I don't think that will go well, but it could be a wake-up call.
Given what the OP has said in this thread, I'm guessing she already knows this.
Its very close minded the way you are approaching this. Be lucky your wife is the kind to cry for days, because if you were married to me (Irish Jersey girl)...let's just say you'd have a different idea of what women act like...
You and me both GG. I'm afraid anyone who basically intimated "I love you but you're gross to look at" would be out on the front stoop with a suitcase.
This comes up from time to time on 3FC, and people get very upset. The fact is, attraction is attraction. You can love someone and not find them physically attractive. Physical attraction just IS -- you can't fake it or force it. It doesn't mean you've stopped loving your spouse because of his/her weight, or that you're judging him/her (though there may be an element of that).
As for the OP's original question, I think the best thing you can do is lead by example and hope your spouse decides to follow. In the spirit of honesty, you could try telling her that while you still love her, you no longer find her physically attractive. I don't think that will go well, but it could be a wake-up call.
This comes up from time to time on 3FC, and people get very upset. The fact is, attraction is attraction. You can love someone and not find them physically attractive. Physical attraction just IS -- you can't fake it or force it. It doesn't mean you've stopped loving your spouse because of his/her weight, or that you're judging him/her (though there may be an element of that).
As for the OP's original question, I think the best thing you can do is lead by example and hope your spouse decides to follow. In the spirit of honesty, you could try telling her that while you still love her, you no longer find her physically attractive. I don't think that will go well, but it could be a wake-up call.
I'm not arguing this point. The issue I'm taking is the OP it taking it a step further by trying to justify that his opinion on attraction is the norm, along with an inaccurate generalization of how these obviously unattractive women react to being told that they are not attractive...while claiming a man would instead take this news with stride and make changes...
I mean, come on...Does no one else see that this is more than not being attracted to his spouse? Its so apparent OP, that you are looking for validation that you are not out of line. And when Ian suggested it might be something deeper, OP tells him he's the exception! As if OP has surveyed all men on what attractive is and what kind of women is acceptable to find ugly...
Ignore main stream media, OP. Its only making you feel justified in your opinion. Realize that everyone has a different idea of what's sexually attractive. For whatever reason you wife no longer fits yours. It doesn't have to be weight, there are other things and changes that could create this issue. The point is, either you can stay with her or not. I'm just saying, your lucky she doesn't leave you first. I'm not saying you are wrong, but your spouse also doesn't have to stay with someone that feels that way, *even if* she was the one that put on weight and changed.
I recently heard an interview with Melissa Mccarthy rgarding her weight loss and of course they asked about feeling the need to lose for her spouse. She said she never felt the need to change because if she wasn't what he liked, he could have picked someone else. And this is very true.
OP I would still wonder if it was something deeper than weight, but if not then you might be at a point where you need to pick someone else. You are not doing your wife a service by staying with her and not wanting to be with her on all levels of a relationship. Its fine you don't find her attractive, but someone out there will.
Last edited by GlamourGirl827; 07-08-2015 at 06:00 AM.
Oh could we please stop with the "men are more visual" -bullcrap? I'm a woman and I am _very_ visual, not just because I'm a painter but also with sexual attraction. So are many women I know. We women aren't just supposed to talk about it, because it makes men uncomfortable.
This definitely is, I think, a lot more complicated then if appears. In my opinion, attraction, especially in the physical sense, is multi-faceted. My husband and I have had no change in our intimate life because of weight loss whatsoever. He dated me when I was plump, married me at me biggest, and is with me now, the smallest he's seen me. We weren't intimate before marriage so we started at my biggest, and like I said, my weight loss made no difference whatsoever to his attraction for me or our sex life and my husband is visual. I'm not trying to say that we are the "standard" or that everything should be like us or any of that, but I do think that *THAT* aspect of a marriage depends on more than just looks and weight. We have great communication, we are in a good place, we are taking care of each others other needs, supporting, etc. It's fostered an envirownt that works for us and our intimacy.
You can't make her lose weight, and it's a delicate topic to bring up, I agree. The best suggestion I liked was asking for help, not making it just about their weight but what you can do as a team. I think teamwork is way more essential to a marriage
That being said, I really think you can do other things. You're not horrible for finding her less physically attractive, I think what determines that is what you do with those feelings. So good job for seeking wisdom and advice first.
Many people have echoed the sentiment that it's probably more than weight... I 100% agree. I have no doubt it could be adding to a feeling, but I don't think it's entirely it. Imagine a time when you were physically attracted to your wife.... What else was going on at that time? What else added to it? Why was she attractive? Maybe it could start you both on a road of other things to look at too.
