Food--and the ritual of eating--is definitely something my (normal weight) husband equates with love. He also equates "having a few glasses of wine" together as "couple bonding time," probably because that's been our pattern for the 13 years we've been married.

So when I try to focus on losing weight (fewer restaurant meals, fewer indulgence meals, fewer treats, MUCH LESS alcohol because of calories and lowered inhibitions around food) he acts as if I'm hurting him and our marriage by not engaging in our old bonding behaviors and habits.

If I have a bad day, he brings me food I like (pizza or subs, typically). If I tell him I don't want it, he acts hurt, as if I've offended him. If that doesn't make me cave, he gives me the ol', "One meal won't hurt you."

If he wants to eat an indulgent meal and I tell him I'm just going to eat on-plan, he tries to lay on a guilt-trip about how we "never eat together anymore."

If I want to go to bed early because I need to get some sleep for my morning workout, he says, "Pretty soon we'll never spend any time together at all and we'll be one of those couples who live separate lives."

If I tell him I don't want to have a glass of wine, he pouts and says, "Then I won't have one either," and then he turns on the TV. Any "talk time" we have is shut down.

I have tried talking to him about this, but he says that his only concern is that we stay close as a couple and we don't "grow apart." I think that's true and that a lot of his actions are based on habit, insecurity, and an established behavioral pattern. But I am having a hard time dealing with this in a way that doesn't cause a lot of strife in our marriage (Ironically, the thing he is trying to avoid.). I tend to be confrontational. He tends to be passive-aggressive.

And yes, my willpower does decrease when faced with the temptations he offers, which I know is my own personal thing that I need to work on.

Any suggestions?

I recommend you start with a conversation. Print out the list above. First, tell him how much you love him and that you would like to spend as much time with him as possible....as many years as you can....and that you're trying to get healthy. Point out to him that there are so many things you can do as a couple that don't involve food (although you can learn how to cook healthier together and cook those foods, of course). You can go for a walk/hike together, take a couples dance class, volunteer at a dog shelter, cuddle, play board games, watch a movie, etc. Tell him you really need his support and that you would like for him to remove the association between food and love.

If he's not responsive to this type of approach, I suggest you guys seek a counselor. You mentioned some insecurity and that could be a good chunk of the reason. It's ironic but often when people are afraid of losing us, they go about it in a way that pushes us away.

I hope you find a solution.

First of all, sorry I am not useful, I just want to point out you are not alone in this. My husband is similar to yours, we have been married for only 2 years though and I am trying to break out of this "bad habit" so we can have bonding time without the calories, we both need to get in shape at this point.

For example I often get chocolate and it's adorable he thinks of me and remembers what I like or something I have never tried but god it's so hard to resist... I have seriously considered flat out asking him for flowers, flowers are pretty and harmless, they smell nice, but must of all it won't make me fat and I can keep my romantic husband...

He sounds very insecure. I'm not sure that you can do much about that. He has to sort that out for himself. You can choose not to enable needy and controlling behavior on his part.

This sounds like it's counseling level complex. In my uneducated, layman's opinion, I think if food weren't the focal point for him, something else would be.

Good luck to you.

I'm kind of in the same boat, but my Dh, thinks SEX, is the ultimate, definition of Love!

Well, now that his heart can't accomadate, that very often, he thinks, I do not love him. It's not even my health issue!

Dude! We have been married for 38 years! I'm not going anywhere! You are 56, I'm 55, we have physically demanding jobs, and a farm!

It's not that I don't like sex, just not a priority any more. I did not marry him for the sex. I married him because he was the person I felt that at 80, we could hang out, on the patio, have coffee, and look back, and love all the places we've been and the things we've done!

Now, I just need to give him a "whack" and remind him, what is REALLY important.

For you, it seems like your partner, sees food and eating as a way to connect, in the same way my Dh, views, intimacy.

Stand your ground, find small ways, to change it over time. Small changes add up!

It sounds like the idea of eating TOGETHER is an important idea to him. Maybe you two can meet in the middle. Instead of buying a pizza that's full of fat and grease and calories, would he be open to making the pizza together? I like to have things like that with lots of spinach, tomatoes, peppers, and other veggies, but lighter on the cheese and bread. The same thing can go for subs; Instead of a bread-heavy mass of meats and cheese and sauce, opt for something open-faced on sliced bread with extra veggies.

Sometimes people are resistant to change. But honestly I just don't see how this impacts him at all. You still eat dinner together don't you? You can still have a conversation if you only have a half glass of wine rather than a whole bottle of wine right? You can still go out to eat at restaurants. So how is this impacting him? Why is it so important to him for you to eat specific foods? If the time you spend together hasn't changed then why is this an issue? I'm just curious.

I am a strong believer in minding my own business when it comes to what I put in my mouth. I don't speak to my husband about dieting because it's none of his business, and bringing up my diet to anyone just invites criticism and objection. What's it to him whether you eat one piece of chicken as opposed to 3? You're still there at dinner time with the family and that's what's important. It just sounds a bit controlling imo.

It sounds to me that he may be threatened by you losing weight. Many men (heck, many people) hate change, even if the change is ultimately for the better. I agree with luckymommy and schiref: Have a serious talk with him, figure out some non-food-related activities that you two can do together, and stick to your guns. To me, the last part is the most important. If you relent, it will only get worse.

Have you tried doing a "date night" once a week where you two can go out (or stay in) and have a cheat meal and drinks? If you make it into a special thing, he might be more open to staying on plan the rest of the week. Would you feel better about that? And then the rest of the time, do activities that don't include food, or at least foods that are healthier.

He might be feeling insecure about you changing, thinking that you'll better yourself and then want to move on. Honestly, I've known several women who have done just that... Reached goal and then their marriages ended shortly after.

I don't know where you are in this journey (beginning, middle, end) but he needs to understand that even when you reach goal, you will not be able to just go back to your old habits. This has to be a full lifestyle change.

The unsupportive husband is such a recurring theme on 3FC that it should have it's own support group!

I can relate to one aspect -- there's nothing I love more than a glass of wine in the afternoon/evening, and I really wish my husband would sit with me and have a glass, or sip while I'm cooking, so we could have a little ritual of time spent together to check in, talk about our days, go over anything going on with the kids, etc. But it's not really about the wine, it's about the time. Do you really have to be drinking wine with him, or could you have tea or sparkling water? Have you tried that? When it comes down to it, I don't really care what he's drinking -- it's the ritual, it's the time together.

The theories that tend to come up for unsupportive husbands are:
1. He's afraid if you lose weight you'll be so hot you'll leave him for someone else (insecurity)
2. You changing your lifestyle makes him feel like you're judging his lifestyle choices (if he's unhealthy) (also insecurity)
3. He's generally controlling and wants you to do what he wants at all times (also insecurity)
4. When you take the time to pay attention to someone else (yourself) or put yourself first (like getting up to work out), he thinks you don't love him. Because if you love him doesn't he deserve every second of your attention (hey, look! insecurity!)

You don't have your weight listed, but if you are overweight enough that it affects your health in either the near or long term, think about it for a minute... he'd rather have you behave in certain ways that please him than be HEALTHY and live a LONG LIFE. He is putting his insecurity ahead of your health, your wellbeing. That's messed up.

I'm just into "overweight" territory according to BMI charts, but I also am pre-diabetic and have majorly high (as in 299) total cholesterol.

I do think insecurity is the issue... or maybe it's just that he's resistant to change. We have always really liked our habit of a glass or so of wine, then a late-night supper together. It's kind of been our thing for a long time. I think he fears we'll grow apart without that time together. We've watched a lot of couples split up. Forget the 7-year-itch... it's the 20-year-point that seems to kill most marriages I see.

Anyway... you ladies are right. I need to have a heart-to-heart with him. I know he'll *try* if I let him know how important it is to me.

I have been away from my computer all day thinking, "I hope I didn't sound too harsh... I hope I didn't go too far or hurt feelings." I'm glad it appears not. I just get really frustrated by the unsupportive husband phenomenon because it's just such a bummer. Weight loss is hard enough without someone making it harder.

I know it's real life that none of us are perfect spouses. My husband has decided to learn spanish in his minimal "spare time" and I'm already resentful because we have so little time together as it is. He is doing something that interests him, is good for his brain and, heck, will come in handy here in SoCal, and I'm all bitter about it. So I guess I'm the pot calling the kettle black. I did tell him that, though, and he seemed pleasantly surprised that I was missing our little bits of quality time, so it really came out positive in the end. I hope it does for you, too, banananut!

i would really try to talk to him about how he's feeling about your weight loss journey. i think he really needs to understand how much it means to you and how much you love him at the same time, so that from this new understanding you can build a new kind of connection. however, this is hard, because it requires vurneability on your and his side (because you can build this only on honest grounds, that are beyond eating habits; it's more about how you feel about support that how you feel about food). from there on it is up to him to come towards you. i mean. if he loves you, he will want to support you.
right now i see it as if he's protesting against that new thing that is bringing changes in your marital life. but you really need thid weight loss and you also need him to be there for you. things can't be the same all the time because we are growing and changing all the time. and in a marriage you can do this together.
so that is essential is that with a very gentle talk you thy to find new common ground. it's not just about behavioral changes, but really about understanding. and through that you can work out new ways for bonding - maybe you can discover healthy recipes together, have candle light home cooked meals, bond and talk over long walks ... but for all that to happen, he has to sincerely understand you and turn towards you.

My personal suggestion would be to sit him down and have a serious conversation about this. Maybe he doesn't realize how your mentality really is, and trying to talk it out when these situations happen can be worse since there's an emotional factor involved.

I would make it very clear that you're very willing to bond with him, but that he's restricting your relationship if you're bonding over food alone. Maybe tell him a pizza isn't what's going to make you feel better now, that you just appreciate his company and talking to him. Make it clear that you feel he's basing your relationship off of this and not from actually being with you.

Once you've really set your boundaries, you can get to the fun part. Find new ways to bond, go for a walk, make healthy recipes if he still wants to eat together. But I wouldn't do anything until I told him clearly how he's making me feel.

I think you can make changes to help appease him as well as make him see how his behavior isn't acceptable.

So, first:

Sit him down and talk to him about your health concerns, and how you want to lose weight for you and your health and that caring for yourself doesn't negate how you feel for him. Make it clear that the pouting and passive aggressive behavior isn't going to fly, and that more than anything you want his support.

Then, set up some plans that will help him get the time to connect that he wants. For instance, if he wants to have a glass or two of wine with you, agree to have a glass of wine with him once a week, but stick to a literal 4 oz. portion of wine. You can sip yours slowly while he has two glasses, or you can both stop at one and then go for a walk together. If he wants to eat together, find healthy meals that you both like and cook together, and then eat together. You can eat the same foods and just make healthier versions as well, or just eat more slowly with smaller portions. Also, try and find other non-food ways to interact. My husband and I have games we like to play, like to each find an article in the newspaper that we want to chat about, like to take walks, etc.

I agree with everyone else that this is probably based in insecurity, and that isn't something you can change. Just do your best to be supportive of him, without sacrificing yourself.

One other thing to note, my husband and I have an infant, and finding time to go workout is really hard. I used to workout in the evenings, but now our quality time together is so limited and that is one of the few times we can connect, so I have opted to find other times to workout and/or I workout at home so he and I can still talk in between sets of planks, while I am doing wall sits, while I am stretching etc. So maybe setting up a workout schedule that maximizes your time together, or at least ensures that you will have regular time together, could help with his pouting.

Good luck!