Eating for work
 

So, I guess I don't so much need advice but just to complain about this.

We're interviewing candidates for an open position in my department over the next few weeks. Interviews in my field are day-long events that always involve lunch. My boss said something about maybe dinner as well, since the majority of the candidates are travelling here and staying overnight.

I'll be working closely with whoever we hire so it's especially important that I attend at least one meal with each candidate to get a feel for their personality. The cherry on top is that another industry norm is trying to impress candidates with what the community has to offer by taking them to really good restaurants.

So, let's just say that this month is going be challenging. :(

And now we've all been "assigned" a meal with each candidate. The good news is that one of the interviews is on my birthday and I've already given myself permission to live it up that day. I'm going to see if I can steer the group to my favorite restaurant, in fact. I can do lunch salads for the other meals, I guess.

^ Sounds like you have a good plan in place. That's the best way to do it! And I'm sure if you tell them it's your birthday they will let you pick the restaurant :P

This issue crops up in my work all the time. Over the next 2 months I'll be attending 8 dinner meetings, all at fine restaurants. Gourmet restaurant food is my biggest weakness, so I don't always handle this challenge too well. My game plan is to have an appetizer and salad, and no main course or dessert. I find appetizers more interesting than main courses, so hopefully I'll stick to the plan. I usually look up the menu online and decide on an order in advance. Perhaps you can do the same?

F.

I don't have kids and I've never even had a boyfriend, much less a husband. And now I'm turning 40 which means I likely never will. I live in an efficiency apartment, drive a 10-year-old Dodge, and anticipate a 5-digit tax bill this year.

If I don't eat a gourmet sandwich and drink wine once in a while, I will hang myself.

I'm seriously not joking.

An app and a green salad sounds like more fun than a salad with meat. Thanks for the idea!

This is just so not a problem.

Yeah, I'd rock that.

Seafood please.

Every night/day.

Lobster.

Crab.

Smoked salmon.

God, I would go nuts and get so ripped.

Serious objection! I am separated with two kids at 40. And I ain't throwing in the towel yet.

Don't you frickin' dare. You lucky single girl! Your whole life is ahead of you.

Turn this challenge into an opportunity.

Which is really what it is.

Because everybody knows women get so much more desirable to men the closer they are to menopause.

Cutting and pasting from an earlier post in hopes you'll understand why I don't want to get into this. (Discussed in this forum because my pain over the subject is a fat loss barrier.)

"Please DON'T respond how everyone has a soulmate, with platitudes about never giving up, or dating advice. I'm 40 year old woman who's never had a real boyfriend despite Herculean effort to be pretty and pleasant, intense self-examination, study (yes, study), and experimentation with all kinds of demeanors, attitudes, and ways of dealing with men. Dating has been nothing but a fruitless exercise in anxiety, frustration, heartache, and exposure to disease/possible unwanted pregnancy and I've never gotten one single thing out of it. I've finally accepted what any sane person would - that it's not worth it. Platitudes about love from people who don't know me and refuse to let me accept what is plain actually really anger me."

Violette. Trust me. You are so going to be OK.

Just keep doing what you are doing.

I am OK. Just unwanted. I'm dealing with that but there's no point in pretending it's not the case. Being honest with myself and having the courage to face reality is cold comfort, but it matters to me and I'm proud that in a society of the self-deluded, I'm the one calling it as it is.

I am glad you are OK. And being OK alone and accepting that being alone forever is OK is very important, at least for some people. Me included, now. Unfortunately.

I am just trying to point out that being 40 and single with no kids and no (ex-)husband should not be something that confines you to "cold comfort" that this may always be so.

I can talk to any single woman.

Any single woman.

Introduce any other guy.

Any guy.

Who is age 40.

Who is single, No kids. No ex-wife.

Guess who wins?

Not me.

You will be so OK.

Go through life in a society that virtually revolves around beauty, romantic love, sex, and reproduction having no beauty, never being touched by a member of the opposite sex with any affection, never having enjoyed sex because none of your partners cared enough and stayed around long enough to discover what pleases you, and knowing that once your last remaining family member dies, you are completely alone. Then get back to me about what is appropriate for me to feel.

No prom, no proposal, no father walking you down the aisle, no ring, no family gathered around the nursery making faces at your baby. These are rites of passage of adulthood that I have not and will likely not experience. There are no symbols of family or love for me because I am alone and undesired.

I did get the awesome rite of burying a parent, but at least he had disowned years earlier.

My reaction is a completely normal one to my circumstances. I deal with it, despite having no model to go by because no one talks about this. Because it's humiliating. Having to defend my feelings in addition to feeling them is extremely frustrating. I don't want sympathy and I don't want reassurance. I want to work this out the way I need to.

Oh God, I am digging a hole here. Sorry.

I gave up telling people what to feel a long time ago.

I was just asking you to trust me.

And I ask you to defend nothing.

Just keep doing what you are doing.

For me, I wake. I eat well. I work out. I work. Sleep. I rinse and I repeat. And some day, maybe, things might get better.

In between I am just trying to feel as healthy in my mind and body as I can.

'cos that's all I got.

"I was just asking you to trust me."

I say this not in spite, anger, disrespect or derision: Why should I?

It's a legitimate question. Someone I'm corresponding with casually on the internet, who's never been in the same room with me, can't really be someone in whom I can place trust for guidance.

I'm not saying you're not qualified to provide it to people you know. I'm saying I'm clearly an outlier and I can't rely on conventional wisdom or assurances from strangers. Experienced psychologists have been at an extreme loss in your place; it's not a shortcoming on your part. As I said, there's no model for what I'm facing. I have to work through my cr@p, my way. I just want to be able to do so without having to justify my reactions to living a life of social alienation.

OK, you're right.

You don't know me from Adam.

And you don't have to justify anything to anyone except yourself.

And apparently one of my coping mechanisms is yelling at well meaning strangers on the internet. Sorry.

But seriously, platitudes stick in my craw like nobody's business and will trigger me every time.

I'm sorry you're so lonely. But none of us truly know what's in store for us in the next 40yrs of our lives.

My BFF talked like you talk since we I met her in college. Gosh every conversation was about how she would probably never find anyone to love her and how she was probably never going to get married and how nobody would ever find her attractive. She always spoke of this as TRUTH which I found incredibly sad. It was like this huge wall of NO she built around her and now at 40 it's become a self fulfilled prophecy.

You never know what the future holds but I think it's best to stay positive and find happiness within regardless of outside circumstances. I mean lots of people get the ring and the wedding and the baby and end up miserable anyway.

I hardly ever have time to do anything other than read this forum (hence my minimal amount of posts in so much time), this thread got me out of my lurking.


Violette, I am in pretty much the same situation. I'm not 40, I'm 33, but what's the real difference anyway? I'm not here to offer platitudes, because I know they ring meaningless and false, and I'm not here to comfort you because I know you don't need that. I just want to share a few things as a person who is living a similar reality to yours.

Since high school, I've been overweight, lost 60 pounds, and have been fit ever since. I've dressed like a bum because I was self conscious about my body, and I've dressed amazingly when I haven't been. I've done all the things you've mentioned- tried to examine, alter, experiment, see if there's anything that made a difference. And I've come to learn that all the things you listed- age, beauty, weight, etc... absolutely none of it was/is as much of a determining factor as living. And I mean real, uninhibited living. Chasing your dreams, being passionate about something, letting yourself feel and show and share the emotions that living life brings... THOSE are the things that make you live life the way it's meant to live.

And ya know what, that is the ONLY thing that's ever made a difference in terms of connection and value to others (and myself). I hate to be annoying and speculate and suggest WHY it is that you & I are in the position we are, but I truly think it's because we have such a hard time letting ourselves live. Of course you don't want to give yourself the permission to go out there and ride the rollercoaster when you feel so undesirable, stunted, unwanted, and not special. But that's WHY we feel this way, because we've built some sort of system of stipulations regarding when living life is "allowed." It's always allowed. And it's always necessary. It's a vicious cycle... you don't want to do it because you feel like you don't have those things, therefore no reason to celebrate and experience and be happy. But not letting yourself be like that... that's what keeps other human beings away. I know you probably have no reason to believe me or listen to me because, after all, I've always been single. But the moment that dawned on me, I looked back, I examined, I altered, and the theory proved itself. And continues to.

There's so much more to life than being with a man/married/kids/etc. And until you let yourself go out there and experience and enjoy it all with no limits, that man/husband/life won't come. It's kind of a happy thing to realize imo.. that "indulging" your own personal happiness leads to what's evaded me for so long.

The previous comment about "a wall of NO" is so on target. Just say yes to every little thing that might make you happy, and the rest will come. No resistance, no spite, just that kind of 'anything is possible' and "i'm open to it" attitude that comes with youth (which we still have).

Ok, enough from me. Just want you (and me) to be happy. :^::hug:

Thank you everybody for your input. I know it's well-intentioned and comes from your truth even though it's not applicable to my life. I am trying to talk about my truth with multiple audiences both online and IRL and the reaction makes it excruciatingly obvious that I am an odd duck.

I know everybody thinks they are unique and special, but I am a truly peculiar individual. I used to question my assessment of my personality, but something happened last week that actually confirmed that my assessments and my judgments are spot-on and I should trust them despite everybody's insistence that I'm wrong. Hence my commitment to keep talking about it in hopes of knowing myself better and possibly making a connection somewhere with an equally peculiar person. As I said in an earlier, I have no model for dealing with the circumstances of my life. Maybe it's up to me to create it.

Thank you again and may life treat you well.

Nobody said you were wrong. There is a difference between being wrong and being negative.

Anyway, I love eating at restaurants. The best part about it is no dishes to clean after and quite possible left overs to take home with me. There is always something interesting on a menu and though I don't believe in dieting there are always ways to specify to the waiter healthful alternatives.

Sorry but you are SO mistaken. :) I hope you are able to wake up and see the other side.

Being called negative has become pet peeve of mine. Acknowledging difficulties is not negative, per se, but no one can talk about being sad anymore without an accusation of negativity or a bad attitude. Wallowing in sadness and frustration should be avoided but acknowledging them has become almost a sin when they are often a completely normal reaction to circumstances.

As people I interact with on a daily basis have offered unsolicited praise on my pleasant attitude, I feel that the general impression I give is not one of negativity.

I am wide awake. It's one of the things that allows me to see my reality.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out if you are looking for advice or for someone to agree with you.

I'll be the first to admit that typing things out/talking on the internet can be very therapeutic, but there's no way to edit the responses you get; like you, others are just relating their personal stories and chances are, none will match yours.

That's the issue with an internet forum- can't judge tone.

Well, what I was originally trying to do was say "yikes, I'll be spending lots of time in front of yummy food this month." But then an off-hand comment turned into this. :)

I normally try to avoid this discussion like the plague because I know very few can relate to the degree of social alienation I've coped with my entire life and the outlook I've developed towards it. But I've recently become determined to talk about it and plan to stick to that despite all the frustration and increased feelings of alienation that it's creating. I don't want advice and I don't need to be agreed with (what is there to agree with anyway?)

I am who I am and I accept myself. I'd just like to be able to talk about who I am without others trying to "fix" me. And I know it's going to be a challenge but I will engage in the discourse to the best of ability.

I'm probably conflating multiple conversations in my head right now. I think this statement is relevant to this thread: Pursuing romantic relationships does not survive cost-benefit analysis for me and the most desirable option for me is to cease and desist and focus my efforts into something that actually does improve my life. What I want from people around me is to leave me the heck alone to do that.

Thanks for your input and I hope you have a good day.

<<Pursuing romantic relationships does not survive cost-benefit analysis for me and the most desirable option for me is to cease and desist and focus my efforts into something that actually does improve my life.>>

Sounds rational to me. As long as you're moving forward in some way, nowhere is it written that you must pursue romantic relationships.

F.

I'm with freelance on this. :).
In any case, let us know how the meals go at restaurants! My big weakness is bread and butter at nice restaurants. I'd be happy just to eat that for the entire meal. :/
Hopefully they have some amazing apps and salads. :)

Maybe the dinner/lunch could be your meal for the day? That way you’ll have 2000 or so calories to play with at dinner/lunch – you could order yourself a steak or something... not a damn salad. :)

Just wanted to add that your intelligence and insight come through loud and clear in your posts. And you're a good writer. I hope this doesn't sound too rah-rah, but surely there are some awesome uses for these gifts. I sincerely hope you find them.

F.

For what it's worth I don't think anyone should waste their time pursuing romantic relationships. There is too much living to do! Don't close the door on it either. Happiness is within.

I face the same issues at work -- not with interviews, but with general meals. I'm traveling again and I will be facing probably eating at some amazing restaurants and the last thing I want to order is the salad with a protein.

I think the appetizer idea is great with a green salad on the side. I may try that myself. I know that I have to get out of the pattern that just because I am at a restaurant (and with someone else footing the bill) that I have to eat everything that's placed in front of me. It doesn't help that I work with a lot of men who also don't seem to worry about weight (they are all thin, so no, they really don't worry).

I do have a meal or two planned with women, who are weight conscious so I am hoping they will rub off on me.

Re: Your Love Life

I agree that this is something that you will figure out on your own. Nothing in this world (except stupid society) tells us that we must be with a boyfriend. And I have been lucky to have friends who don't have one and even if they wanted one, they accepted that their level of requirements for a guy made finding him impossible, so they are happy alone, with their friends and pets. I think if you find that acceptance (and ask yourself if you need to "find someone" is truly your need or just a perceived need because society is telling you this is the case) then you may never have to deal with this.

The friends (and it's more than one!) that have resigned themselves to not finding anyone are happy. They may have their moments of loneliness but I think everyone does -- even those in relationships. But in the end, the life they have built is bringing them happiness and satisfaction and when you are on your deathbed, I think everyone will value the happiness they felt during their life, however you found that.

Having a boyfriend, husband, romantic partner is not a guarantee of anything.

This is a very good point. When I was 18 and desperate to have a boyfriend, I remember thinking to myself: "If I didn't feel this external pressure, I wouldn't really care. It would never occur to me to look for a boyfriend if society didn't tell me I should need and have one."

F.

I often feel this way now, and I'm 33. I have my moments, though, when I feel a little bit of panic creep up knowing that it's a long process and there's trial and error that needs to happen before one ends up happy. I don't want to be alone when I'm 60, and I just hope that all this time I haven't been pursuing anything, it's not like I've been wasting all that "trial & error" time, if that makes sense.

My desire for affection and companionship is not "perceived." It is perhaps even more acute due to never having experienced it.

I'm not a middle-aged woman with a history of troubled relationships or over-selectivity in romantic choices. I'm a 40-year-old woman who in her entire life has never one single real relationship despite great effort to develop one. Wanting to experience something that's considered a normal part of human life is actually quite healthy on my part. I can live with it never happening, but please trust there's nothing suspect or unexamined in my motives.

Gah! They just changed the venue at the last minute because of Lent.

"It sounds like you don't like yourself so much"

Yeah, wrong again. Thanks, though.

ETA: Came back to edit so I don't sound like quite such a d!ck. That's really not the problem and if you knew me you would trust that's the case. I appreciate you took the time to read and respond but I am not seeking "magic cures" as I know they don't exist.

Thank you; I appreciate this.

First lunch was today. They changed the venue at the last minute. None of the appetizers looked appetizing (WTH? Appetizing is right in the name!) and the restaurant was freezing so I just couldn't get interested in salad. So I had a cup of soup and half a fish sandwich, only to have it turn it the fish was battered and fried. But I estimated calories using MyFitnessPal and I think the small portion size kept the lunch just under 600 calories, which is OK.