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Old 09-06-2014, 02:18 AM   #1  
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Default SO ANGRY (primarily venting)

Tonight is my first Friday night I'm spending in a college town, and it has been horrible. I knew people didn't talk to me as much because I was fat, and that was a big part of the reason I couldn't make any friends for about three years, but I put up with it. But the amount of explicit abuse I have had yelled at me tonight is FRIGGING RIDICULOUS. I am SO angry, and so hurt. I never have ever retaliated against anyone, but I just wish I could find a way to hurt all of these people back x 100 because this is guaranteed not the first time they have been jerks, and if you yell mean things out of car windows at people ever you probably are seriously such an awful person that I don't care what happens to you at all.

Question part: how do I handle this without actually literally becoming so angry I explode? This is an uncomfortable feeling.
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Old 09-06-2014, 08:28 AM   #2  
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I'm sorry that happened. I know you're angry now, but those people weren't targeting you specifically, they were targeting whoever they came across. They have nothing better to do than find some person on the street and harass them. If it wasn't you it would've been somebody else and probably was further down the road. They'll say anything about anyone. Just know that it's NOT about you.

As a woman I and many others are sick and tired of how we get harassed and treated. Misogyny lives and we're the victims of it on a daily basis. Women get blamed for being raped, we make less money at the same jobs as men, we get passed over for leadership roles in favor of men, we are thought of as weak and emotional. We can't walk down the street without someone making an inappropriate comment, someone is going to either make fun of us, hoot and holler, or tell us to "smile" as if we're some sort of decoration.

Anger doesn't help, you have to channel it. It helps me to feel in control and in power. By joining a club or organization that benefits women in some way you may start to feel like you're not alone. I've joined a yoga studio that hosts a number of women-only social activities. I'm active on social media promoting articles to empower women. If I were you I'd try to get the license plate of that person and report it. Carry mace. Take a self defense class.

And don't allow anyone's negative thoughts to penetrate your psyche. When someone says something negative about us it affects us ONLY if we have been fearing that something like that is true. For example, if someone came up to me and told me that my hair is very dark it wouldn't bother me, it wouldn't even register. Clearly I know I'm blonde, it would never occur to me to think that my hair is dark. However, if someone came up to me and told me that I have too much cellulite, well.... it would make me cry! Because I look at myself in the mirror every day and think "I have too much cellulite." So I've been working really hard to accept my beauty and not focus on negative parts of myself, embrace! Insults and harrassment are meant to get you down, don't let them.
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Old 09-06-2014, 11:10 AM   #3  
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Baseball bat.

Car door.

Normally gets the message across.
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Old 09-06-2014, 11:25 AM   #4  
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I am so sorry that happened to you! Hugs! When I was younger, I was in my car with the window open one day. A group of guys was in a car next to me with their roof down. As they drove off, one of them spat at me and the spit actually hit me. I was devastated. It hurt me so much. I wasn't fat, btw. Some people just get their kicks by hurting others. I think their lives must be really horrible for them to do this to someone.

Wannabeskinny gave you some great advice. I'd like to say that the best way to handle this is to just focus on yourself and how to help others. Surround yourself by other people who are making it their goal to help others.

I guess one way to look at it is that living well is the best revenge. After all, you can diet, you are a good, kind hearted person, but those horrible people who act this way will always be rotten to the core.

Again, I'm sorry this happened to you. It's not something that's easy to forget or brush off, but just believe me when I tell you that they're not worth your energy. Focus your energy on good people. Sending you lots hugs.
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Old 09-06-2014, 12:51 PM   #5  
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Originally Posted by IanG View Post
Baseball bat.

Car door.

Normally gets the message across.
Ian, I've always loved your firm, yet subtle approach to things! Bwhahahahaha! A similar thought crossed my mind along with, "geez, I'm so grateful that my college years are in the rear-view mirror!"

You've received some good advice, ImpalaHoarder. All I can add is that it is your first night there so please don't let that cloud your entire college experience. College is a microcosm of every day life: a mix of good people and jerks; kind, funny, and supportive folks and unhappy, my life is miserable so I'll do my best to make your life miserable too ***holes. Soon you'll get acclimated and meet people who want to get to know you. Don't allow this incident to close you off or you might miss the opportunity to get to know some truly great people.
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Old 09-06-2014, 01:34 PM   #6  
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Baseball bat.

Car door.

Normally gets the message across.
So women are supposed to carry around a baseball bat with them at all times?
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Old 09-06-2014, 02:01 PM   #7  
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^Well, you suggested mace and self defense classes, what's the difference besides the size and type of the weapon? Anyway, I'm almost certain he was joking.

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Old 09-06-2014, 02:25 PM   #8  
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^Well, you suggested mace and self defense classes, what's the difference besides the size and type of the weapon? Anyway, I'm almost certain he was joking.
Why are we joking about something that is really really not funny? Mace is portable. A self defense class can provide someone with exercise, a social activity and empowerment.

Harassment is a serious issue. The last thing I need when I feel like I've been harassed is some guy to come along and make a joke, harmless or not.
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Old 09-06-2014, 08:00 PM   #9  
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A game of baseball also provides said exercise, social activity and empowerment.
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Old 09-06-2014, 08:12 PM   #10  
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Why are we joking about something that is really really not funny? Mace is portable. A self defense class can provide someone with exercise, a social activity and empowerment.

Harassment is a serious issue. The last thing I need when I feel like I've been harassed is some guy to come along and make a joke, harmless or not.
Look, I'm all for empowering women, and empowering ANYONE that is a victim of such cruel things. I liked your previous statement and I doubt anyone here would think your advice was nothing short of awesome.

But trying to lighten the mood, to solicit laughs from those that are hurt, what's wrong with that? When I was mugged for the first time, I was distraught and miserable and certainly felt a victim. When my friend started to joke about "going on a manhunt" dressed as a woman and "pulling a Buggs Bunny" it cheered me up. Some people deal with tragedy with humor. Tearing someone trying to be supportive down, is a little over sensitive. Ian isn't the enemy... not even sort of... the guys that treat women in a horrid way, those are the bad guys. Ian has always been uplifting on these forums, I don't directly talk with him, but reading just a few of his posts, you can tell he's a great guy that uses humor to help people. I think that's an admirable trait.

It was a joke, no one on this thread would seriously think women need to carry a baseball bat with them and it's a shame that some of grip a tazer every time we walk from the office to our cars. In fact, he kind of vocalized how I felt about the situation. I was totally thinking along the same lines.

There is a difference between the guys that tell me what to do after my rape and my attacks. The ones that think it's somehow my fault, the ones that think I over exaggerated, the ones that pretend I'm in the minority and that if I hadn't gone out after dark I would have been fine. Those guys should butt out, but the guys that stand up and honestly try to help me, who make light hearted jokes to calm me down and cheer me up, those guys are a dime a dozen. I wouldn't dream of attacking them with words for simply helping in the only way they think they can.

Last edited by kurisitaru; 09-06-2014 at 08:14 PM.
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Old 09-06-2014, 08:25 PM   #11  
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Originally Posted by ImpalaHoarder View Post
Tonight is my first Friday night I'm spending in a college town, and it has been horrible. I knew people didn't talk to me as much because I was fat, and that was a big part of the reason I couldn't make any friends for about three years, but I put up with it. But the amount of explicit abuse I have had yelled at me tonight is FRIGGING RIDICULOUS. I am SO angry, and so hurt. I never have ever retaliated against anyone, but I just wish I could find a way to hurt all of these people back x 100 because this is guaranteed not the first time they have been jerks, and if you yell mean things out of car windows at people ever you probably are seriously such an awful person that I don't care what happens to you at all.

Question part: how do I handle this without actually literally becoming so angry I explode? This is an uncomfortable feeling.
People are jerks. I've had cruel things said to me both fat and skinny. Some people just want to find a target and make that person feel low. I'm not sure how to deal with these people still. I use to get a lot of people on the bus telling me so many things. From "I'm going to rape you" to "You hit every stick on your fall from the ugly tree or sumthin?" These people lead miserable lives, and while I did walk home with a taser, I got over what they said after a bit because I was home, safe, with a dog that was happy to see me and later a man that was nothing but kind and wonderful for me. I also bought a car and cut out about 80% of the *******s I was dealing with.

College is rough sometimes. But you can fit in at any weight. There are a lot of organizations to join that welcome new members. Find one you can enjoy. Join meet up groups, socialize, make friends. Ignore the people that want to tear you down. It hurts when it happens, and it's never easy, but try to surround yourself with positive things, it makes the nasty people seem a lot less rancid.

I'm very sorry that happened to you. I honestly hope that things look up for you. And, a baseball bat to the car if you get the chance.... just let us know.
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Old 09-07-2014, 12:41 AM   #12  
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I'm really feeling much better now, it was just a temporary rage fest for me. I think that my life is generally pretty good. I'm stepping up to a leadership role in an organization that works to tutor refugees in English, and I'm actually starting to gain momentum in meeting people. It turns out being smart is an ok alternative to being pretty; people have started to want to be my friend, it just hasn't developed totally yet. I just needed someone to be upset at, because I couldn't punch the perpetrators without losing my chance at a teaching license.

As far as IanG is concerned, if anybody cares AT ALL, obviously that was a joke and I took it as a joke. I myself joked about burning the house down of the frat guys across the street who were one of the people yelling at me. OBVIOUSLY I'm not going to burn down a house.

But overall, thanks a lot for the support. That's why this community helps me so much. You guys make me not feel like everything like this is my fault, and you make me feel worth something. So thanks!

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Old 09-07-2014, 09:07 AM   #13  
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Nobody was attacking anybody!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImpalaHoarder View Post
I'm really feeling much better now, it was just a temporary rage fest for me. I think that my life is generally pretty good. I'm stepping up to a leadership role in an organization that works to tutor refugees in English, and I'm actually starting to gain momentum in meeting people. It turns out being smart is an ok alternative to being pretty; people have started to want to be my friend, it just hasn't developed totally yet. I just needed someone to be upset at, because I couldn't punch the perpetrators without losing my chance at a teaching license.

As far as IanG is concerned, if anybody cares AT ALL, obviously that was a joke and I took it as a joke. I myself joked about burning the house down of the frat guys across the street who were one of the people yelling at me. OBVIOUSLY I'm not going to burn down a house.

But overall, thanks a lot for the support. That's why this community helps me so much. You guys make me not feel like everything like this is my fault, and you make me feel worth something. So thanks!
There's no need to put yourself down this way. You are what you think you are. Self confidence speaks for itself, that's what shows more than anything. Speaking from my experience I've had friends that were self deprecating since a young age. In general I've heard them say stuff like "I'll never get married" or "nobody is ever going to want to be with me" or "I'll never lose this weight" or "I'm not pretty, I don't have any friends." Guess what, 20yrs later and they have ALL turned out to be self fulfilling prophecies. I really believe it's because they were always so down on themselves. I think the most important thing that we can do for ourselves is not necessarily lose weight and fix our hair, it's to nurture our self esteem.
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Old 09-07-2014, 04:30 PM   #14  
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Default Fantastic Advice, WBS

Being publicly embarrassed by a**clowns used to enrage me as a kid/teen, but the fallout only hurt me. Nobody will ever welcome public ridicule, but I go on my daily walks anyway. Throw your shoulders back and know that you are doing something positive for yourself.
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Old 09-07-2014, 09:33 PM   #15  
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My sister used to be super-thin as a kid, and she had people tell her she had chicken legs. Someone else who was very thin had guys say she looked like a basketball player. Jerky people are pathetic jerky people, and will put down anyone in their paths. Sorry you met some of them, and glad you're feeling better!
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