So here I am. I've been here and gone, here and gone a few times over the past couple of years. I've lost then regained, lost then regained. It always starts the same (strong, motivated, successful) and then ends the same (complete failure, crashing off the wagon, complete regain). I've done Weight Watchers, calorie counting, clean eating, eating for my blood type, low carb, no carb...with varying degrees of success, no success ever permanent.
I most recently did a stint of 4 months clean eating. No calorie counting, just cutting out processed foods, artificial sweeteners and sugar. I also worked out every single day (got a little obsessive though, and would beat myself up for taking a day off for being sick or having a sore knee). I was losing weight and feeling great. Then I went back to work (had been on mat leave) and continued to do everything "right" and the weight stalled. I even gained back a couple of pounds. After a month of that, I just gave up.
I've spent the last month being on and off. Going to the gym 2-4 days a week, but eating way too much junk. I'm ready to take another crack at it. But I feel like I have no idea what to do. Nothing I have done I could stick to. Do I try something again? I do want to try clean eating again, hopefully permanently just because it's healthy in general. But I'm so afraid of failure. I bought the book "The New Rules of Lifting for Women" and really want to try lifting heavy but I'm not sure I could follow the meal plan properly (given my track record).
I realize that being negative and pessimistic will get me nowhere. I just feel so down and hopeless right now. I almost feel like I've done it all (which I know I haven't) so there's nothing left and I'm stuck this way forever (which deep down I know is not true).
Can anyone relate? Any words of wisdom to pull me out of this funk?

I can relate a little bit - I've been slowly drifting upwards for months (or a year, really), now about 16 lbs above my low. That doesn't sound like much, which I'm grateful for, but the behavior pattern has been a disappointment and I'm feeling let down by own lack of motivation and persistence.

Coming off an indulgent vacation and being alarmed at the scale has been enough to jumpstart me back onto counting calories - something I haven't been able to make myself do for months. But there's still the larger headspace issue. For me, I know what works -- I just need to do it. And I know what a lot of my danger spots are and just need to force myself to use my work-arounds and solutions.

Do you have a touchstone of sorts? Either some journaling of your own from when things were going well, or record of past food plans you used with success? Because right now, I'm feeling like I need to avoid overthinking this -- I've done lots of work in the past, I know what can work for me -- I can just use old templates as a starting off point.

You said you're afraid of failure, which I can relate to. But the thing is, you can't really fail -- because there's no finish line to weight loss. Even in maintenance, the choices you have to make to be healthy never stop. Which can sound exhausting, but... you can't fail; no disappointment is ever final, so long as you keep going and trying.

I like the Japanese proverb - fall down seven times, get up eight.

I understand the fear of failure. Its so much easier to say to yourself "I'm like this because I'm not trying to change," because it implies that you totally could change if you just tried. Trying your hardest and finding that it is not good enough is ...heartbreaking.

Maybe shift the focus of your goals?

You said you were just on mat leave (Congrats, btw! ) well, developing healthy eating habits just became even more important. There's no way to fail at making healthier choices. Will you always choose the healthiest thing to eat? No. Will you make more healthy choices if you're being mindful? Of course you will. Its a no-lose scenario.

What about being active? Being strong and active is a thing you can do (and it sounds like you *are* doing! Kudos!).

Maybe for a while it isn't about the weight. Maybe its about living your life in a way that makes proud of how you're treating your body. Eating clean and being active aren't weight loss activities, they are healthy body activities. If you were your goal weight right now, you'd still be doing those things.

Alternatively, you could scream into a pillow. Sometimes it just needs to happen.

From my own personal experience I can also say I failed at dieting numerous times before this one. I would try to focus on working out and not as much on what I put into my body and it NEVER lasted! I got so frustrated that at the end of each "failure" I would weigh more than when I started.

Have you thought to try it differently this time? Maybe make the food you eat a priority and then put the heavy lifting on top of it? That is what made the difference for me this time.

I started simple. No more soda. Period. Now THAT was hard since I love Mt. Dew and Dr. Pepper but I did it. Now, four months later if I even sip a soda it tastes gross and syrupy. Yuck! After that I tried to limit my portions. First I just decided that I was no longer allowed to get seconds. Once I got used to that I decided to eat a large helping of veggies before my meats.

Thankfully, I'm not a HUGE junk food eater. I mean I like the occasional ice cream and chips but not very often.

Once I got used to my eating habits the weight just fell off. I've gained a little back but that is because I am now regaining muscle as well. I am a coach so working at practice helps but I also swim, walk a ton, ride a recumbent bike, and do yoga. I have lost the weight slowly, but if I do fall off the wagon for a day or two I am no longer regaining quickly, maybe like a pound comes back. My weight is stable and that is what I was looking for!

Just an idea at an alternative method. Good luck hon!

As you know already, it is all about calories. Thus finding a way to minimize the difficulty of restricting calories is really the key to long term weight loss success.

You have experimented with a number of plans but it seems like it might be time to hatch your own plan. Here is what I do:

I find it easy to be restrictive during the week but challenging on weekends so in addition to intermittent fasting I am "loose" on the weekends and "tight" during the week.

I'm not saying this is what you should do but it seems from reading your post you get over restrictive for too long and then crash and burn. You can, however, be restrictive. So work with it. Maybe your plan should be 1 free day a week? Maybe 3 free meals a week? If you plan your free meals they are not going off plan and then you don't feel like you failed. So long as end up creating a deficit over a given period you will lose fat. Maybe it will be slower than you like but you've got a long life ahead.

Something to think about.

PinkLotus - I feel you. I also know that for almost everyone, it's a lose-regain-lose-regain cycle. The successful maintainers seem to have tightened that cycle so that they're not gaining much before they force themselves into the lose cycle again. But, in my mind, I am not a failure for being in this endless cycle. Can you imagine how much I would weigh if I just constantly gained weight instead of having had successful periods of taking it off? Success is not about getting it right the first time. It's about trying until we achieve. And weight control is not like getting a college degree, where you check it off the list and it's done. It's a battle for the rest of our lives. Yay for you for being back here.

New Rules of Lifting for Women is what I use. I'm not sure if you have that version, or if you are using the general version. My advice - do not follow the dietary guidelines. I just don't think they are written for women of our size. I calculated the calories I would have to consumer, and while I don't remember the actual number, it was outrageous. I go high-protein, low-cal, making sure to eat right after I lift, and make sure to get at least some omega-3, complex carbs and fiber in. Not sure what's right for you, but I would recommend that whatever way of eating you choose it involve enough protein to build muscle to make sure that the lifting doesn't go to waste. BTW - I love the book for its weight training regime.

Yes that's exactly how I felt. How can I be doing so well and then fall off the wagon? Why can't I hold on to the positive feelings of losing weight? Why can't my good health be motivator enough to continue? How can I achieve so much in my life but crumble at the sight of a donut? How can others navigate the world of food so easily while I am tortured by every choice I have to make? How can skinny people eat ice cream and not hate themselves for it? How can I be the same way?

How can I be the same way? That's the question I finally settled on to answer. What can I do to gain a healthy relationship with food? Because when I would try to look into my future I didn't want to see someone who is just thin, I want to see someone who is allowed to eat food. I don't want to count calories forever. I dot want to low carb. I don't want to swear off sugar. I just want to be able to control myself around food and not feel tormented by food choices. All of this is what led me to Intuitive Eating, a WOE that lets go of the diet mentality, embraces all food, and helps build a good relationship with your body, your food choices and relies on distinguishing true hunger cues from emotional needs.

One of the very first things I learned in IE is that restriction leads to weight gain, which is exactly what seems to have happened to you (and most others who diet)

Wannabeskinny, I just love your post. It's SO true. I could never figure out how people maintained a healthy relationship with food. Like the original poster, I had been through every diet/weight loss strategy under the sun. I felt like it was totally useless to start over because what was different this time? I felt the same - confused, and with a burning desire to lose weight, but with no real direction. How could I possibly succeed? It was so discouraging to start out with good intentions and high hopes and fail EVERY SINGLE DAY - or white-knuckle it for a few days, even a few weeks, only to crash and burn.

I didn't know it was called "Intuitive Eating", but that's exactly what I did - stopped labeling some foods as "bad", and started thinking of food as being fuel for my body instead of my soul. For example, I stopped saying NO SUGAR. I let myself eat sugar once or twice a week, but I started noticing that it negatively affected my workouts because I didn't have the same energy as my non-sugar days. So now I rarely eat it, but I *can* if I *want* to. Nothing is off limits. I've restricted my carbs a little during this final 20 - 30 pound phase of my weight loss, but on days where I'm really craving pizza, I have it. I just eat healthier the rest of the day. I still have struggles, but they're so small compared to the way it used to be with my disordered eating. I guess I just want to say - there *is* hope. You really can develop that healthy relationship. I went to a therapist, and developed an eating plan that worked for me that excluded nothing but with a heavy emphasis on healthy foods, and committed to a workout routine. Don't give up!

It's hard to be committed for lifetime. Instead be committed for a month. Keep your weight loss journal. After a month be committed for the next month. Eat healthy, excersise. be accountable and be dicipline. No matter what. Even
If scale tells you you failed. Winners don't quit. Quitters don't win. I hope it helps.

Thanks everyone for the advice and words of wisdom, I appreciate it so much! Everyone has given me a lot to think about.
Wannabeskinny, that is exactly how I feel. You hit the nail on the head right there.
It's a never ending battle, a lifelong journey, I know. It took me awhile to accept that, but I have. I just have reached a point where I feel a sense of hopelessness. But I know that will get me nowhere.
So I guess I just keep on keepin' on.
Thanks