Sigh, back and fatter
 

I was doing great, I got all the way down to 154 pounds from 236. Then I don't know what happened, life I guess. Now I am back at either 198 or 202.4 pounds depending on the scale I use (I think I am going to go with the heavier weight just because the numbers are easier to read), and I just suck at life.
I am sitting here with stitches in one hand and a healing scar on the other from carpal tunnel surgery on both hands in 2 months. I can't afford therapy anymore, I don't even know how I am going to pay for 2 surgeries yet, (but I will I don't ever not pay my bills)
I hate myself because I can't even make it one day without just cramming food in, I eat when I am bored, lonely, tired, if I have hurt of any kind I try to shove it down with food. Any food. If I feel stupid or like I made a mistake of some kind I punish myself with food, I eat until it hurts.
Obviously I am having a lot of mental issues right now and I just can't seem to get hubby to understand. No one listens to me, my family ignores me until they need something from me, I don't know if I just don't talk to them right or they are just being deaf or I bore them or what.
I guess I just need to know someone is out there and knows what I am feeling like. I feel so alone and I reread what I just wrote and it sounds so dumb the way I typed it. It reads so jumbled and stupid but I think someone here will be able to make sense of it so I am leaving it as is.
I am not alone am I?

You're not alone. Welcome back. :hug:

You do sound a bit depressed, but it also sounds like you've had a tremendous amount of struggle lately. I know it's a little trite - but imagine if you had a friend going through all this. Would you use the same kind of language to her that you use with yourself? I struggle with really negative self-talk, so I know how hard it is to deliberately try to treat yourself with more compassion. But I also know that working on that can really help.

What you wrote sounded neither dumb nor stupid -- it just sounds like things have been really tough lately. I hope things get better soon. It sounds like there are some bigger issues than just diet choices to tackle - but maybe you can extend self-compassion to making healthy, nurturing food choices where possible that help support your healing. Hope you stick around. :)

Sorry to hear what you're going through but you'll make it:hug:. We're glad to have you here!

Have you ever considered talking to your doctor about depression? I just say this because you sound like I did when I was really struggling with depression a few years ago.

I don't struggle with food addictions but if I did I would certainly consider joining a support group.

Goodluck!

Thanks for the responses guys. :)
Oh yes, I am on meds for the depression, but it seems like either nothing works or I have to have such a high dosage that it just becomes unbearable. I have struggled with multiple disorders, (depression, ptsd, bipolar and quite a few more) for most of my adult life.

It's not dumb nor stupid. We understand perfectly. I know you feel like your family is not there for you right now but I'm concerned about how you are speaking to yourself. Your screen name is very self derrogatory, you speak of yourself very negatively and say very mean things. Please don't speak to yourself this way, sometimes the way people treat us is only a reflection of how we treat ourselves. Things are going to turn out ok, but you must be kind to yourself. Start off by saying kind things to the person in the mirror. Smile at her. Cheer her up, how do you expect her to deal with her struggles when you put her down so much?

I think you should change your screen name. Right. Now.

You have helped me by expressing your feelings. I frequently feel the same way and it helps to know that someone else is right there with me.

John P, thanks for your post about the support group. Our local OA group has people that are way crazier than I am:fr:, which is somewhat discouraging. I will take a look at your suggestion.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug::grouphug: