First day on recovery plan
 

For anyone that doesn't already know, I have struggled with an ED (eating disorder not erectile dysfunction ;)) since my teens. It has grown over the years into such a monster that I often felt I would never heal, just learn to live with it. However, little by little I have chipped away at it and the past few months I have really begun to focus on the behaviors that are the root of the problem. I restrict and under eat, and this goes on until I end up binging. Then I restrict more to make up for the binge and the cycle continues. For many years I wanted to stop the binges only, because I like the not eating part. I was told by a counselor once that I have to start with the restrictive eating to heal, but I wasn't ready to let go of that because, well it feels good. Sadly enough.


So after many months of just eating, without calorie counting because its triggering, I have lost this much weight (see ticker) but I am stalled here because my natural eating pattern seems to settle me here, in the 160s.

After much thinking and worrying about calorie counting, I decided to take on a recovery plan rather than a weight loss plan. Points of the plan include:

*1600 cals daily as the base number.
~Add 300 cals to days with runs 5 miles or more (I don't run more than 6.5 miles right now)
~Add 300 cals for PMS days (yup, because this is one of the times I always eat more and not adding extra sets me up for failure.)

*I can go over by 100 calories. I cannot be under my set calories.

*Food differences of 50 cals or more will not be decided based on calories. My obsession with calorie counting can get so bad that I will choose one food over another to save like 10 calories. For me this is triggers restrictive behavior.

* I cannot round up, only down. Example, said food is 71 cals, I would always round UP to the nearest 5, so it would be 75 cals. I did this all day to "save" calories. Now I can only round down.

* Breakfast, lunch and dinner must be 400 calorie minimum, and I have to eat it. I know this might sound strange to some, but once I would get rolling with restricting, I would prepare smaller and smaller meals and barely eat because I'm not hungry, only I know that during these times it is easy for me to not have hunger signs.

*Splurging at special events will not be counted. There's no issue with me overeating at special events. I get such anxiety about not knowing the exact calorie content of food that I don't like to eat out. This needs to be addressed too.

*No measuring or weighing of food. Everything must be done by eyeing portion size. Weighing and measure is VERY triggering for me, and I'm already taking on calorie counting. I don't feel I can do both of those at once. However I have weighed and measured for nearly 15 years and truthfully I can pretty accurately eye ball. The only issue here is I often under serve myself (for fear of over eating). This needs to be addressed as well, and might require weighing / measuring certain foods.

*Additives while cooking will not be counted. Example: previously if I prepared a family dinner, say meat and veggie stir fry and to the whole dinner I added 1 TBsp olive oil, some lemon juice and soy sauce, I would not eat it because I didn't know just how much of those added seasonings were in my portion to figure out calories. Or I would be doing all the math to figure out to the calorie what was in my portion. I was awful! Mixed dishes cause me a lot of stress. Now, I ignore the added seasonings. I only use healthy ones anyway, its not like I'm adding tons of cream sauce and ignoring it, we are talking things like lemon juice, fresh garlic, chicken broth etc.



I'm guess right now I'm taking in about 2000 calories a day, though I've been trying not to calorie count so I could be off. Also, I'm running about 20 mpw now so that's likely why I'm able to eat that much at stay in the 160s.


I'm nervous. This morning I made 2 eggs, 1/2 c oatmeal w/ 1 c 1% milk and about 8 blueberries, and black coffee...it came to 408 cals, and I honestly wanted to stop after the eggs (140 cals) but I made myself finish the whole meal. Which was hard mentally.

I'm hoping doing this will prevent the culprit to my over-weightness, the binging. I say this is a recovery plan because my main goal isn't weight loss right now, but I definitely want to transition into that in the near future.

Oh and the last part of my plan...NO SCALE!!! I will weight Jun 1st, and by that weight AND how I have been feeling (binges?) I will adjust my plan. But no scale until then. Those days that I am up just trigger restricting and make it hard to eat, which always ends in a binge anyway. :mad:

Sending you lots of positive energy! :carrot:

We have alot of the same binge triggering behaviors (obsessive calorie counting, weighing food, desire to over-restrict). Letting go of some of those behaviors has worked for me, I hope it works for you too!

Thank you so much!! I really is such a burden to carry around...I'm hoping to begin really practicing new behaviors to replace the old (unhealthy ones).

Sending support! I hope you are able to let over-restriction, binge eating and other unhealthy habits become a thing of the past and a distant memory.

I wish you all of the success in the world with your new plan. I lost my initial 30 pounds without calorie counting, because I found it pushed me into a pattern of severe restriction followed by binging. Once I got near my goal weight (four years later), I felt more secure and confident, and was willing to start calorie tracking to find my maintenance calorie level. My goal has always been to track the calories that I eat, but to not judge the number. Easier said than done, of course, but it has generally worked for me and not sent me into a binge spiral. It sounds like you are in a good place emotionally to try this: you're well aware of the potential pitfalls and are taking measures to avoid them.

Thank you both! Today has been good so far. I had another 400 calorie lunch. Turkey on rye with cheese and an apple. I just kept thinking how much it was, and if not following a plan, I would have made turkey on rye. No cheese, no apple.

I would have eaten 140 cals at breakfast and about 250 cals at lunch. And this is the time of day when the cravings would normally start...because I would have had about 400 cals thus far. Yesterday I did that, by this time yesterday I had eaten about 400 cals and ran 3 miles, so I ended up over eating last night. That's when I wrote all this down to start today.

So far I feel fine. No urges to over eat.

*I should say that I cut out sugar to stop the sugar cravings, the urges to eat lots of junk. But when I over eat due to restricting, its not about eating a bunch of crap. I crave food food and will eat sandwiches, fruit, nuts, salads...but calories are calories.

That is awesome that you have made a plan to eat a minimum amount. I think that is really helpful for someone that has restrictive tendencies. I am hoping you do well and can finally get some healing for your ED. I have had issues with binging in the past, so I know how it feels to be obsessive over food. However, I never had any restrictive tendencies. Just the good old eat til you burst and keep right on eating disorder. Good vibes being sent to you on your new journey.

Thank you so much! Today has been excellent. I just had dinner. 3-4 oz of chicken, mixed veggies and some pistachios to make the calorie count. I also had some baby carrots between lunch and dinner. I've recorded 1240 calories today and feel great. I will eat the rest in about an hour as a night snack. I felt NO urge to binge today. I didn't run today though, so that's probably why I'm doing ok at only 1240 cals. I thought about revising my plan to include an extra 200 calories for 2-4 mile runs.

One day down, rest of my life to go! lol...THis is a nice feeling though. Eating a normal amount, and not feeling at this point in the evening like I'd knock someone out to steal their food lol...

Good job!
I think it's great to think of your calorie "limit" as your calorie "goal." That way you strive to eat balanced throughout the day, not too much or too little.

I find if I eat very little, it's no big deal one day, but it keeps adding up until I feel drained of energy and realize I've overdone it, and then it takes me a while to feel okay again.

Physical and mental health is so underrated in this whole weight loss thing :)

I do this too. I can usually get through a few days at 1000-1200 cals. (Used to be lower when I was younger), but after several days I start to feel so tired and the intense cravings start, and the a binge which can last for days too. With running, a few days at that calorie level and I cant run as well, and actually get to the point that I only want to walk. Today I felt fine at 1240 cals, but knowing how this goes, I made myself eat a snack (apples, peanut butter and yogurt) to hit my calorie target. Its been a good day :)

I understand your battle completely! I was anorexic for years and when I finally got put in the hospital I HAD to start eating. I packed on 40-50 lbs easy and in the few years that have passed I gained another 20 leaving me a a whopping 212 lbs. Currently, I'm eating like you are and try to stay at about 1600 calories daily but I keep under-eating which is a habit I'm trying to break. So far I have lost 12 lbs in about 3 weeks.

What foods are working for you? I'm trying to incorporate more into my diet.

Hi Lovely,

Its strange because I have never been underweight. I used to consider myself a failed anorexic (when I was still trying to starve myself thin). For me the binges obviously out did any measure of restricting, so I always stayed about 20-30 pounds overweight (though I yo-yoed a lot). But most of my eating habits and triggers are more like anorexia.

For me a big part of recovery was moving away from my safe foods. you know those foods that feel good, that fit all the internal food rules. Everytime I go into diet mode, I start gravitating towards them. Plain bake chicken breast is a main one. No carbs, all protein, lower in calories, lean meat. Fresh spinach is one too. I start avoiding cheese and nuts.

This time I need it to be that no food is 100% off limits (I would say "I'll never eat pizza again") Seeing as I live in Jersey that is not only a sin but impossible to never eat pizza again! lol But in day to day living, I still eat nutritiously but incorporate all healthy foods. I'm actually a pretty healthy eater so its not a daily struggle to choose a good meal over something loaded with calories and sugar. Some of my main foods are:

Eggs, plain oatmeal, blueberries, strawberries, plain greek yogurt, 1% milk, deli turkey, tuna, rye bread from a bakery (nothing in it but rye flour, yeast and salt), apples natural peanut butter and almond butter w/ no added sugar or salt, pistachios, cheese sticks, and dinners are random combinations of meat and veggies. Oh and I snack on baby carrots and sometimes celery with peanut butter.

The hard part is going outside those foods and eating and finishing the whole meal. I have a party this Saturday so I know that will be a struggle.


I know how easy it is to under eat. I don't know if your under eating leads to a binge, but its so counter productive. And then some of the girls in a ED group I went to years ago, would purge after binging. I never did that thankfully, but really all of it is so unhealthy mentally and physically. No one should have to live like that, and all for what? A fear of being fat? Its so sad. My heart really goes out to young girls just starting down that path because they think they can control it but one day you realize it controls you!

I wish 3FC had a board for recovering ED. They have the chicks in control for binging, but I know some of us have restricting behaviors too, and it really is its own issue.

I'm glad to see you found help for your ED, but be careful if you see the behaviors coming back. Relapse is always possible, and don't think because you are over weight that it makes it any less a big deal. I did that through all my 20s. Figured since I wasn't thin, that I didn't have an ED because if I was really "sick" I'd be under weight. So I practiced all these anorexic behaviors and never looked for help because my body was still over weight, so I thought that meant I was fine. Not so.

Good for you! :) I've come to realize that that thinking is my number one binge trigger, and it's a big one for many. I think because it involves so much mental control it leaves you constantly obsessing over items you can and can't eat..and of course the more you think of them, the more you want them. Vicious cycle.

Yes I know the feeling. Just keep in mind, nothing is off limits, and eating a little extra or not being able to track this once isn't going to change anything in the long run, when you stick fairly closely to your plan. Anyway it looks like you are doing a great job already- good foods, good idea with the minimum, and all that running! Keep it up :)

This looks like a sensible plan to me. I especially like the no scale part- cutting down on that has been good for me.

Good luck! I'm glad the first day went so well and your plan sounds very sensible, given what triggers you.

I had a post about a month back where i almost relapsed. It was terrifying. However, ive now found a diet plan that works for my body. I still get food i enjoy, but with healthier recipes. If you want any food ideas just let me know! Im now at 199 as of this morning (whooooo!) So its definitely working for me.

Oh, and i never binged. I just didnt eat. In my post people questioned my anorexia because i didnt look ill. Some poeple dont understand that you don't have to be malnourished to have an ED. It takes time to recover. People dont always understand. So im here if you need anything.

How long did this go on for you? Why did you seek help? I don't mean "why" like you shouldn't have, but what prompted you? I didn't even recognize this ED for nearly 10 years, and even then I had a hard time reaching out the few times I did. I still don't want "help" though I'd probably benefit from going back to that group.

I had a bad day eating wise yesterday. Same old pattern. I did have my 400 calorie breakfast, but then had a 5k race. After the race they were serving food, and here's where I get tripped up. Either I chose not to eat anything, which I didn't want to do. I felt part of this is being able to eat out without knowing the calories. So I did eat, but then I get anxiety not being able to track my calories so I didn't want to eat the rest of the day. We were out all day shopping, the park around town stuff.

When I got home I was so hungry, and I just over eat. Its not crap, all healthy nutritious food. It is possible that I'm not taking in as many calories as I think during a "binge" because this is not the kind of binge where I get bags of cookies and chips and eat like 4000 cals...It where I eat something think like a bowl of oatmeal with blueberries and walnuts, and an apple and peanut butter (although those nuts butters are high in calories), then I had some pistachios...I didn't last night, but I might make a turkey sandwich in stead of the oatmeal for example. I do think with the peanut butter, I'm taking in too many calories. I really need another go to item.

Anyway I'm back at it today. The past 2 days before yesterday I did fine as long as I ate during the day, I was fine. I need to address going out to eat and how to not under eat OR react to eating out with not eating the rest of the day.

Sadly I never asked for help. I was stressed and went out for a walk at like 3 am when I was 17. I ended up walking for about 3 miles and passed out on the side of the road. Imagine my parent's surprise when they got a call telling them I was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. Anyway, doctor/patient stuff and they didn't tell my parent's. I have another condition that actually caused the passing out, the under eating just made it worse.

The whole thing started when I was about 14 and didn't fully stop until I was 18, when I started dating my now husband. The only person in my family that knows is my husband and my sister. It takes willpower to say the least. When I really settled in with my husband I had to reevaluate my choices. Did I want my future daughters (or sons) struggling like this? Did I want to hide it from my husband?

I relapsed a bit 2 years ago and called it "dieting". I went from 170 (my highest weight at the time) to 160 in a week by eating less than 500 calories a day. As soon as my husband found out he asked me to stop so I started eating normal again and within the next two weeks I gained twice as much as I lost back. It was horrible. Then, because I'm an idiot, I tried the same diet before my wedding to slim down. I went from 180 back to 170. Then of course when I started eating again I jumped up to 190. And before you ask, I don't eat junk. I eat healthy foods but I needed to work on portion control.

So I really wish I could help you seek help, but I'd be a hypocrite. Do you have someone who knows about it that you could lean on for help? Someone to keep you accountable? That's what has helped me the most.

What I've learned about being stuck without the option of making my own food and having to eat out is that sometimes you just have to. Every restaurant has foods that I can eat, just tons of it! So I always plan on getting a to-go box. I'm going on a cruise in a few weeks and I'm REALLY worried about the food on the ship.

I use the myfitnesspal app on my phone to track my calories. Since I am pretty active, but not running like you are, and want to lose at least 2 lbs per week it has my daily caloric goal at 1600, but typically I eat about 1300. I just can't seem to stuff myself for that extra 300! Plus, the app as tons of foods from restaurants that are easy to figure out the calories.

I hope this helps even a little!

I can really relate to what you are saying Glamourgirl. A lot. I have had the exact same pattern as you for so many years of my teenage and early twenties life. I did eventually overcome it for the most part but every time I gain weight due to a pregnancy it kicks in again when I actively try to lose weight. For example, I have been trying to eat "intuitively" for at least a year now and one of my biggest challenges has been that I wouldn't eat enough. I would take like 3 bites and be like oh yep Im satisfied! :) hah. And then of course the later the day got I would be more and more hungry and finally just go crazy eating and feeding my starving body. Not usually junk but things like oatmeal and sandwiches.

It's been a long journey to get to where I am now and calorie counting actually helped me get over the restriction part as well. I started tracking how much I ate and realizing that if I had only had 400 calories all day I really did need some food. Then I got braver and started trying to eat more calories earlier in the day and I started to realize I didn't get that crazy hunger Im going to eat the house in the evening type thing. Ironically, counting calories got me in touch with my hunger and satisfaction points . But calorie counting isn't triggering for me. Now I finally have reached the point where I can eat until I am satisfied and its a lot more than I told myself was enough before, yet I feel good all day and don't go crazy at night eating anymore. And I am losing weight and have enough energy to start exercising now. So, I think your plan is a really good one. It sounds like you are doing great.