I'm turning 20 in July and I'm basically trying to tackle all my weight, depression, and confidence/self esteem issues head on so I don't waste the good years of my life. All my issues for the most part I can pretty much blame it on the weight because it's the one thing that gets in my way. I read on Self esteem and stuff I really do try to help myself but it's not that easy to just list your good traits and be proud of them. I'm like rock bottom on the confidence scale. I literally feel like I can't do anything! & I'm never satisfied! Weight loss has been my dream and I've almost lost 70 pounds, but people are happier than I am about it, its like yeah I want that for myself but it feels like nothing to me...I see people on here feeling accomplished with losing 20 lbs, and they should! & I know I should be proud of my accomplishments as well but nothing I do ever feels like it's good enough...I do plan on possibly seeking help because its ****ing up my love life too I let guys treat me like **** because I feel they're the best I can do, and I want a new mind set to go with my new body...So PLEASE if you have any kind of great advice feel free to share because I will totally take it in, and I know that it's going to take some time to gain confidence and I guess my weight loss just hasn't sunken into me yet/
It's difficult to know how you're going to react to weight loss confidence, but I'll tell you what it was like for me.
My self-confidence is tied to my weight. It's something my mother pointed out to me 15 years ago when I was telling her how depressed I was about the way I looked. I got bigger, felt worse, lost weight, felt better and then met my partner and got the heaviest I'd ever been (McD and KFC addiction ). I hated the way I looked so much that I used to wear clothes 1-2 sizes too big and practically lived in my favourite jacket, which was getting too small for me. I got to the point where I didn't see a reason for me to exist. Alas, I pressed on and counted the adding kgs, preparing for the end.
It wasn't until I went to the fertility clinic 18 months ago that I made the change. They told me I wouldn't be considered until I got my weight down to 32 BMI. I became determined because having a child meant more to me than my life and my weight. I started with food and cut down on my carb intake and after Christmas 2012, I started exercising.
I prefer to be outside when I exercise (vitamin D and fresh air ), but I kept off the streets because I was too self-conscious. I was always listening beyond the music in my ears for negative comments from the bicycle riders and other joggers. However, they never said anything. I remained focused by keeping my goal at the forefront of my mind (to get to 60 kg's and blow my doctor's mind with my results ) and pushed through the 'I hate this' phase.
I didn't start feeling smaller until I lost 33 lbs (15 kg's) and was at 146-152 lbs (65-69 kg's) and then my confidence grew with each kg lost. Here I am now, just about ready to conquer the world except for the days where I still feel 199 lbs. Things in my personal life have also attributed to my confidence, which I would never have developed without overcoming the barriers created by my 'I'm too fat and unworthy' mentality.
Therefore, in my honest opinion, you may find that your confidence doesn't grow until you get to around the same weight I was at before I started feeling differently, the 'societal average' where people stop judging your appearance to the extreme.
Ok for self esteem issues, i do recommend you get therapy. And try to get it with a man. Maybe. Because the issues you have with men, will be better dealt with. Make sure like him when you decide to stay and get a good referral as a way of finding your guy. If you go down that route, avoid chopping and changing therapists all the time. When you find someone you think you like, stick with him until at least you feel that things have changed.
Secondly, its a mistake to think that all your problems will disappear with the disappearance of your weight. they will not because they are usually deeper than weight.
But one way i've found to increase self-esteem is to have achievements. You have to tackle things one at a time, i.e. your weight and therapy before you can start realising all these other achievements but just keep it in mind. I have found that successes that come from your own skills and hard work, give you self confidence. So develop your work or other skills. They will bring you one or more of the following: pleasure, financial rewards, social rewards, new insights into your self and life in general and other people and provide ways for you to navigate more successfully in the world. Whatever you turn your attention, give it your very best shot and stick with it. But then if its something that takes special talent, recognise it if you don't have it and redirect whatever you've learnt and your energies in another direction.
I've got a friend who has been trying to be an actor for some time. Its been a painful time for him with all the rejections. The thing is i've seen his screen tests and he's not actually that good but i'm not going to be the one to tell him and nobody else will either so its up to him to realise and change direction. I've had to go through some harsh realisations along those lines myself but on the whole i've probably given up a bit early a lot of the time without having put enough effort in for long enough.
Nevertheless i have had some success and they have helped me gain some self-confidence.
Anyway look at it as a lifelong challenge. So go down the personal growth path and keep growing.
The thing is its the trying that counts. I've done a lot of different things and when i look back at age 50, i can see i have had some good times but also a lot of bad times. The bad times were when i wasn't trying very hard or when i was giving up. Some of the bad times were when i was misdirecting my energy. So always follow your heart. And aim high.
Being with a good male therapist should help you recognise the sort of guy who is going to be better for you and teach you how not to accept any old crap.
There's a really good chapter in Overcoming Overeating that talks about this specifically. Those of us who are overeaters tend to blame fat and weight problems on our entire existence. If I was thinner I'd be happier, more popular, better friends, good love life etc etc etc. But it's just not true. If you go to the maintainers forum and talk to the great ladies there you'll find out that losing weight did not magically transform their lives into the stuff of movies. Our weight and our happiness have very little to do with eachother, it's just that when we're fat we have something to blame - fat!
You've done great on weight loss, there are other things that are bugging you and you'll tackle those as well. I find that when I really take the time to tell myself positive things over time I really start to feel positively about myself. I've been doing positive therapeutic things since February - I stand in front of the mirror and try to find something I like and I name it out loud. Also, I try to stop myself from saying negative things to myself - it's unbelieveable how many negative things I say to myself! I stop those thoughts and replace them with good thoughts. At first this is hard to do, now it's gotten so much easier and when I look in the mirror lately I don't cringe!
Guys - stay away from them. Do not wait for some guy to tell you that you are beautiful or smart or good or whatever. The only thing that guys really care about in a girl is self confidence. So if you work on that the rest will follow.
It took a long time for my mind to accept my weight loss. I really don't have anything to say to help...just wanted to say you have the most gorgeous eyes!!
I could have written what you wrote myself (I'm 27). I'm in the same boat you are. All I can say is keep fighting the critical voices in your head that say negative things. They will ruin your life. Wednesday was Administrative Assistant's Day and several people in the office gave me and the two other admins a little party- we got flowers and decadent little pastries from a local shop. It was very kind for them to do. Unfortunately the whole time this was happening I was thinking "Well, X does more for the office than you do and deserves this more" (she's been here 10 years; I started in October) and "congratulations, you're a secretary. This is exactly what you deserve in your life- some people your age are doctors and astronauts."
So instead of enjoying the gratitude of my coworkers and the beautiful flowers I felt miserable. I fought back the best I could but it still got the best of me. I guess all you can do is fight it and hopefully over time your thoughts will change. Also don't let boys treat you like sh*t. You are gorgeous (I've admired your picture before) and you deserve someone who will worship you for your whole self and not just the traits on the good list.
There's a really good chapter in Overcoming Overeating that talks about this specifically. Those of us who are overeaters tend to blame fat and weight problems on our entire existence. If I was thinner I'd be happier, more popular, better friends, good love life etc etc etc. But it's just not true. If you go to the maintainers forum and talk to the great ladies there you'll find out that losing weight did not magically transform their lives into the stuff of movies. Our weight and our happiness have very little to do with eachother, it's just that when we're fat we have something to blame - fat!
You've done great on weight loss, there are other things that are bugging you and you'll tackle those as well. I find that when I really take the time to tell myself positive things over time I really start to feel positively about myself. I've been doing positive therapeutic things since February - I stand in front of the mirror and try to find something I like and I name it out loud. Also, I try to stop myself from saying negative things to myself - it's unbelieveable how many negative things I say to myself! I stop those thoughts and replace them with good thoughts. At first this is hard to do, now it's gotten so much easier and when I look in the mirror lately I don't cringe!
thanks for the thoughts Wannabeskinny
I have lost a lot of weight but still have awful self esteem. I always thought that if I could just lose some weight I would be a new and happy person! Not so. Wish I was in the position to afford therapy.
I read that as if it was coming from my mind. Im ten years older than you and I feel the same way.
I feel the worst person in the world because of how I look, I let people treat me like crap because I feel I dont get to choose who to be close with. Ive stayed in a loveless marriage cause "who on earth would want THIS?!"
Im trying to think differently so I dont have any advises for you, but I like to think that there is a way out of this and it lies within me, only me can change the way I look and feel.
Some days are better than others but do feel your pain cause it's mine too.
When I feel that way, I like to think about how rare it is when opportunity AND hard work simultaneously combine so that I can achieve goals - sometimes hard work just isn't enough. I see a lot of talented, hardworking people who suffered a lot of strife and life was just too horrible for them to do anything but get by.
At the risk of admitting something that isn't..."right" I didn't really get a rise of self esteem till I got to goal. Even at the last final lbs I felt "meh" - not self-hate, but not great either. It didn't take over my overall sense of self, just body specifically. I made sure through the whole weight loss process to ask myself - if getting to goal did NOTHING else in my life, besides make me smaller, then is it still worth it? Answer was always yes.
Trudging on and feeling good about life - that weight is is now what I am able to focus on and no longer abusive family, lack of a roof over head, no job, etc carried me through some sad moments.
When I feel that way, I like to think about how rare it is when opportunity AND hard work simultaneously combine so that I can achieve goals - sometimes hard work just isn't enough. I see a lot of talented, hardworking people who suffered a lot of strife and life was just too horrible for them to do anything but get by.
At the risk of admitting something that isn't..."right" I didn't really get a rise of self esteem till I got to goal. Even at the last final lbs I felt "meh" - not self-hate, but not great either. It didn't take over my overall sense of self, just body specifically. I made sure through the whole weight loss process to ask myself - if getting to goal did NOTHING else in my life, besides make me smaller, then is it still worth it? Answer was always yes.
Trudging on and feeling good about life - that weight is is now what I am able to focus on and no longer abusive family, lack of a roof over head, no job, etc carried me through some sad moments.
I totally agree with the whole reaching the goal thing, maybe I'm just not satisfied because I haven't reached my goal yet for the sake of the goal accomplishment lol
Exactly! Look at the little things you do like about yourself, because I'm sure you have many. Nobody can make you start loving yourself so being grateful for your good qualities is a start.
I never had low self esteem but I was never 100% confident either; I'd always compare myself to prettier, smarter, taller, more popular... instead of looking at myself and who and what I was and realize that other girls that I put on a pedestal might be looking up to me wishing they have those qualities I ignore. So when I started losing weight I started being grateful for some things about me, like my red hair, my face, my pretty eyes, my silhouette (yes, I'm still fat, but I'm also curvy in the right places and I know a few super pretty girls who've paid surgeons to have what I have naturally, so... there). I started looking at myself in the mirror and loving myself for who I was and for what I saw in that reflection. I stopped comparing myself to skinnier, taller, prettier, smarter like I did in the past. I loved me for me. And it all starts with being thankful.
Congratulations on your 70 lbs! That's close to what I want to lose and I still have a loooong way to go!
I used to used feel the same way at your age, I'm in my 30s now.
Self confidence truly comes from within. It cannot involve anyone else for it to be genuine.
The PP used the example of making herself feel better because she has naturally what others do not (I assume boobs?), but you will find these confidence boosts are fleeting and short lived. Because there will always be someone that has more than you. Or one day you may lose the "object of comparison" and now are back to not feeling good about yourself. i.e. what happens if the PP faces breast cancer and has a double mastectomy, then where is her self worth going to go. (Sorry Paulitens, but I really needed to point this out).
True self confidence does not come from saying "I have this and its better than that person". It comes from saying "I love myself." In my experience (though others might disagree) I find it is better to learn to love who you are first. Your physical appearance can (and will) change, especially with kids and age. Even things like your job, your financial situation, or your spouse can change, and sometimes not for the better and even without you wanting it to. Its good to be grateful for all the wonderful people, things, opportunities, experiences etc in your life, but if you build your self worth on those things and it disappears one day, where will you be? Back to feeling worthless.
I see this a lot with moms. (and I'm a mother of 3) While it is so life changingly amazing to have the privilege and experience of having and raising kids, I see some moms that put all their self value under their performance as a mom. They get all their self love from knowing they are a good mother. Which is fine when your kids are young, but what happens when they grow up and move out? Do you become that over bearing mom that cant give her adult children space to grow and be independent? That guilts them into staying near mom? Do you now feel worthless and useless because you are no longer doing the only thing that made you love yourself; mothering small children?
Anyway I wish I could tell you how to start from within. You need to learn to love the things that make you you! At 19 you might still be figuring it out, maybe. But think of those traits about you that you will take with you in life, the way you are that makes you the friend you are, the student, the daughter, someday maybe the wife and parent, the coworker, the neighbor..etc...Loving yourself is the foundation. Then you can build on it with those other things in life, like your talents, hobbies, education, accomplishments, including weight loss, your appearance....but you need to keep a strong foundation, because if and when someday you must deal with losing something that makes you happy with yourself, your entire world wont crumble around you. For example, you might feel sad about losing a great job that made you feel confident in yourself, but it wont completely take away all yourself worth if you truly love WHO you are, and have the overall confidence to face that kind of loss, and go out and find another job you will excel at.
Last edited by GlamourGirl827; 05-04-2014 at 09:36 AM.
I used to used feel the same way at your age, I'm in my 30s now.
Self confidence truly comes from within. It cannot involve anyone else for it to be genuine.
The PP used the example of making herself feel better because she has naturally what others do not (I assume boobs?), but you will find these confidence boosts are fleeting and short lived. Because there will always be someone that has more than you. Or one day you may lose the "object of comparison" and now are back to not feeling good about yourself. i.e. what happens if the PP faces breast cancer and has a double mastectomy, then where is her self worth going to go. (Sorry Paulitens, but I really needed to point this out).
True self confidence does not come from saying "I have this and its better than that person". It comes from saying "I love myself." In my experience (though others might disagree) I find it is better to learn to love who you are first. Your physical appearance can (and will) change, especially with kids and age. Even things like your job, your financial situation, or your spouse can change, and sometimes not for the better and even without you wanting it to. Its good to be grateful for all the wonderful people, things, opportunities, experiences etc in your life, but if you build your self worth on those things and it disappears one day, where will you be? Back to feeling worthless.
I see this a lot with moms. (and I'm a mother of 3) While it is so life changingly amazing to have the privilege and experience of having and raising kids, I see some moms that put all their self value under their performance as a mom. They get all their self love from knowing they are a good mother. Which is fine when your kids are young, but what happens when they grow up and move out? Do you become that over bearing mom that cant give her adult children space to grow and be independent? That guilts them into staying near mom? Do you now feel worthless and useless because you are no longer doing the only thing that made you love yourself; mothering small children?
Anyway I wish I could tell you how to start from within. You need to learn to love the things that make you you! At 19 you might still be figuring it out, maybe. But think of those traits about you that you will take with you in life, the way you are that makes you the friend you are, the student, the daughter, someday maybe the wife and parent, the coworker, the neighbor..etc...Loving yourself is the foundation. Then you can build on it with those other things in life, like your talents, hobbies, education, accomplishments, including weight loss, your appearance....but you need to keep a strong foundation, because if and when someday you must deal with losing something that makes you happy with yourself, your entire world wont crumble around you. For example, you might feel sad about losing a great job that made you feel confident in yourself, but it wont completely take away all yourself worth if you truly love WHO you are, and have the overall confidence to face that kind of loss, and go out and find another job you will excel at.
SSo I should love me as a person, I know this but its hard to feel like that on an emotional level
For me, the weight is BECAUSE of anxiety and depression. It's one of my best tools to see how I'm doing. I really recommend seeing a counselor and build a good, long term relationship with them
Low Confidence & Self Esteem?
on your weight loss so far!
). I hated the way I looked so much that I used to wear clothes 1-2 sizes too big and practically lived in my favourite jacket, which was getting too small for me. I got to the point where I didn't see a reason for me to exist. Alas, I pressed on and counted the adding kgs, preparing for the end.
), but I kept off the streets because I was too self-conscious. I was always listening beyond the music in my ears for negative comments from the bicycle riders and other joggers. However, they never said anything. I remained focused by keeping my goal at the forefront of my mind (to get to 60 kg's and blow my doctor's mind with my results 
