How do either of us get past this point?
 

With this weight gain and my depression, my marriage went from GREAT to strained. We've had rocky patches before. As well, no one can be married for 20 years without rocky times, but when you are in the middle of it, it's hard to imagine how it will ever get better. Know what I mean?

So... when I try to see things from my husband's eyes, I see that I stopped taking my NEEDED medication. I let myself gain 40 pounds in an out of control way, and another 35 pounds in a TRYING, but not succeeding to stay in control way. I wasn't doing much around the house. I probably wasn't very pleasant to be around either as I was in deep depression.

He probably feels betrayed and felt helpless. Mad and scared.

For me, I notice that he started to get irritated with me BEFORE I stopped taking my meds because I was gaining weight. He was irked I wasn't working out as much. The two times I saw and physically felt his anger was when we were in bed and he was touching me while I was on his shoulder.

While all of it is a problem, the weight seems (and always has seemed) to be the biggest issue. or is it? Is it that being obese means other things are transpiring? Like bad health, depression, etc.

I get sad because I feel I'm just a body to him - that it's all he cares about. I know that's not "really" true, but that's how it feels.

I'm also annoyed that he was in total denial too when I was depressed. When I was finally getting out of it and ordered a SAD therapy light, his response was, "Why haven't you gotten one of those years ago if you need it?" My though was, "Why didn't you ever think to order it for me if you could see I needed it?"

We are both hurt. We are both angry. And it makes me terribly sad to know how much I've hurt him and disappointed him. But I'm also angry that he didn't try to help me and is angry at me for being depressed.

On the other hand, I know I would feel similarly if it were him he just "let everything go" and I know I wouldn't be attracted to a fat husband. Though I don't think I would be as affected by it as he is.

We have gone through similar things before. Once I start feeling better and better and my head is in a better place and the weight is coming off. I totally understand my husband's point of view. I forgive him for everything I was angry about. But as I go through this again, I wonder, will he forgive me? And can I forgive him this time?

Right now I feel like a shell - an unattractive, undesirable shell. And I think, especially with things being so OBVIOUSLY BLATANT that I am a shell to him in many ways. He's very forgiving of other faults if the shell is attractive.

Yet, the other voice says, "Melissa, he doesn't care about your loose skin or your stretch marks or anything. He cares about your health - which is definitely part of my shell." If he TRULY only cared about my looks, he wouldn't be forgiving of it's flaws - which he is 100%.

So, my head is a mess right now as my marriage is in a tough spot.

It's only been two weeks since I've started my thyroid medicines again, so I can't expect him to be all "Everything is great!", and I know we need to have time to talk things through (which we haven't yet), but it's hard being in the middle of this.

Don't know what I expect for response, but I just needed to express it... but not on my blog where too many IRL friends know both DH and me. I don't want them to be mad at DH (Nor do I want anyone here), but the blog doesn't seem to be a place for this discussion. and I need this to get out...for me to express it somewhere.

My heart goes out to you, marriage is hard. Marriage with depression issues is even harder. Sometimes it is hard to separate actual problems with the marriage from the way depression clouds our thinking. I don't have answers but I've been married for almost 25 years and I've been through some very hard times The thing that has gotten me through the hardest of times (we lost 4 close family members in one year - a teenager that was way out of control, my depression over life in general) was that divorce was never ever on the table.

I'm not sure finding your way back is the issue, you are not the same and neither is your husband, finding your way through and forging a new relationship is the direction that we need to be looking.

This is the crux of it, I think. Is it possible for you to reframe your perception of his feelings to something like: "My husband loves and cares about all of me, including my body." It's both/and, not either/or. He values your mind AND your body, your health AND your attractiveness. Try not to go the route of "he is more sexually attracted to me when I'm less overweight, so he must be shallow." FWIW, I don't think it's shallow to be more attracted to a person who takes care of their physical appearance. It just is.

It sounds like you and your husband have a strong foundation to help you through these rougher times.

Freelance

Thanks you two. We do have a very strong foundation. And divorce is NOT on the table. We will get beyond this, but as a very good friend of mine said, "Depression lies. Don't believe what it tells you."

That is why I'm trying to see my husband's viewpoint as I'm sure mine is clouded.

I agree with freelance, and go a step further - I would suggest reframing your perception of YOUR feelings too. Get a handle on what you feel and what you want to feel instead and focus on feeling the way you want to feel. It's kinda of like smiling when you feel sad - the act of smiling often starts you feeling better.

Depression can often seem so overwhelming. But making some very small but conscious changes in thought can start the tide turning the other way. Even small changes in your everyday actions can get the process started - for example driving a different route to the grocery store, or doing your normal house cleaning routine in a different order, anything to get your brain working a little differently can help.

I know you will be ok, but good luck anyway :)

I feel this way a lot around people. Part of it is because I actually feel that way about myself, and I look for "evidence" that its true - that I am merely a body and nothing else. That feeling leaves me so bitter and yet I keep on searching for validation that yes, it is true, that is the base of my self-worth. I don't know where it stems from.

I can't give advice, other than...sometimes I have to shake myself or talk about it openly to pull myself back.

This is an especially sensitive spot for me because I was valued for how I look as a child. I was very cute. I was very pretty. I lost a lot of "love" as a teen when I wasn't super thin any more. I felt HUGE... when really I had maybe 10-15 extra pounds on me. Didnt' matter, all positive attention switched to my sister who was still "perfect" looking.

I know I got further and more "help" because I was attractive. It wasn't the only reason, but being attractive is a definite advantage in the world. So... I get a little freaked out if I feel that's all people value in me - how I look. And I tend to jump to the "they are mad because of how I look" versus, they are upset because I'm not taking care of myself.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I, too, suffer from thyroid disease and all the lovely complications. Depression, anxiety, moodiness, weight gain are all symptoms of untreated (or improperly treated) thyroid disease. I've been struggling recently, too, because my old meds started giving me really serious anxiety and heart palpitations and so I got switched but the stuff I'm on right now doesn't seem to be as effective. So I definitely can empathize- thyroid disease is a tough one to deal with.

I couldn't tell from your post if your husband is more concerned about your looks or your health. Have you ever asked him? What does he say? I think his answer matters and would speak a lot to his character.

One thing I've learned is that someone who has not suffered from depression before often doesn't understand it in someone else. They don't know how to help, or even that they should try to help. And men and women present depression differently, also. So it may be that he didn't realize the extent of your depression (he may have just thought you were "moody" without trying to really analyze why). My DH recently went through a bout of depression and his presentation was just that he lost all interest in the things he used to enjoy and parked himself in front of the tv. He stopped helping around the house. But he didn't cry, he didn't snap at me...he was just lethargic. I tried to talk to him about it a couple times. Finally he said to me, "I need you to find me a vitamin that will make me feel better." He meant "supplement" but I knew what he meant. So I did some research and put him on SAM-e and Vitamin D and Fish oil. But would I have known what was up with him if I had not also once gone through depression? I don't know. Maybe I just would have thought he'd gotten really lazy and would have just gotten ticked that I couldn't get him to get off his butt and help around the house.

I understand depression,but I do not understand why you stopped taking your thyroid medication.Thyroid is so important to every part of the body..the heart..the blood pressure.. the metabolism..the nutrients and oxygen to all cells of the body..the brain..everything depends on the thyroid and it is so important to all the body that if deprived of thyroid the body can shut down.We can not function for a long time without thyroid.
I am so glad you are now taking your thyroid medication and am sure that things will improve and with dietary improvements things will get better.
Depression results if thyroid function is low,cholesterol builds up when thyroid is low,the heart is severely burdened when thyroid is low and I am sure you get the picture.
We are fortunate that at least there is a treatment for low thyroid that is safe and affordable.
I am so glad you are taking your thyroid meds again and I feel you are back on track again.

When i was suffering from depression i was erratic taking mine, i didnt really care as nothing really mattered, logically you know its important but you just cant care enough about anything. That was my experience anyway.

yes, this is true. You simply don't care. And, I found that I was too embarassed to go back to the doctor. I had weighed 165 pounds. I was their poster child for beating the odds. I didn't want to go back in weighing 200. Instead... I stopped taking it, got more depressed and ballooned up to 241.

Then you don't understand depression. You don't think rationally when you are depressed. You simply don't . Of course, going off of it meant the depression got worse (along with everything else), but I didn't want to be chastised at the doctor's office for gaining weight... of course, it never occurred to me in my bad state of mind that they would chastise me even more for not taking my thyroid medication.

And... there was other factors. For TWO years, since a few weeks after starting taking the thyroid medication, it was affecting me sexually. First doctor said, "Wait and see until everything regulated." Next doctor, after a year of this, agreed to at least try to switch me to name brand versus generic. And it seemed to temporarily help, but then returned to the same. Two years of a normal sex life in desire, but never having an orgasm.

Both doctors had never hard of synthroid causing sexual dysfunction, yet I was NEVER experiencing orgasms when I used to experience them about 75% of the time.

Maybe it wasn't the synthroid. Maybe it was perimenopause. Or dieting... I wanted to figure it out. But... I quit the diet and the synthroid and I still don't know which caused it, but sexual function came back to normal.

Now we will see again if it was the drugs, diet, or just my menopausal hormones... we'll see.

Logical or not, it was extremely discouraging. My husband was attracted to me the most ever since dating, yet we were frustrated sexually because I couldn't reach orgasm no matter what we tried.

I think I've read something similar and basically both of us are lousy at giving the other what we need. I've tried to get my husband to read, but he's of the mindset that no book can help as he has it all figured out in his head.

You are an attractive intelligent woman who is valuable in your relationship with your family and with society and also our group .
We value your experiences and input and wish the absolute best for you and your family that you can achieve and hope to help you through your journey of self discovery and loss of weight.
We are here for you.

As someone who's had depression issues through out life, i can only say that i would not want to be married to someone with depression - i.e. i wouldn't want to be married to me when i'm depressed. Its just a tough time for all concerned. The partners can't do much. Its not easy being supportive when the sick person can't seem to do anything for themselves.

I think if you can just look at the whole period of being one of illness rather than letting yourself go, it might be easier to be more forgiving. And if you can transfer this idea to your husband too, he might also be more forgiving of you if indeed it is an issue at all.

I mean when depressed, you have no motivation, everything is flat and uninteresting. A lot of us get irritable others get teary all the time. We are just no fun to be with and on top of that a lot of us tend to get fat. We don't want to do anything, let along stuff like housework.

Its an illness, not a lifestyle choice. And getting over it is not easy either but once we start to recover, things to tend to follow an upward trend pretty steadily unless you've got pressures and stuff that haven't been dealt with.

I don't know if you've been seeing a therapist or counsellor but maybe its not a bad idea to get some extra support and insight.

And perhaps instead of trying to interpret your husbands behaviour to the point of thinking you know what he feels etc, isn't it more helpful to focus on the good things he says and does and particularly the fact that he's still there.

I once destroyed a relationship because i was so fearful of what he might be thinking and feeling and in doing that i gave more weight to my projected ideas than the facts of his behaviour.

People do stuff. We don't always know why. Trying to guess at their motivations doesn't really help because we are so often wrong.

Does this mean you weren't taking antidepressants either? Antidepressants are quite well known for suppressing sexual sensation even in women. But some seem to be worse than others. I've not experienced but i have heard plenty of others say it affects them.

I am sorry,I posted before your response.
I understand the reason for stopping the meds now.
I have never heard of thyroid affecting sexual functions before,but know that all antidepressant meds except wellbutrin will do so.
That is one of the troubling side effects of SSRI antidepressants.

No, I wasn't taking antidepressants, but the same thing happened to me years ago when I was temporarily taking them (the last time I was seriously depressed about 15 years ago).

as a side note to the whole conversation. When I told my first doctor the problems I was having sexually, after 6 months of things getting worse instead of better, he was rather dismissive. I still have to wonder... would a man react to another man in the same way if he said he couldn't reach orgasm?

I mean... imagine a man having desire, having ability to have sex, but not being able to climax. I highly doubt he would have gotten the whole "Just wait and see if it gets better" like I did.

My endocrinologist I think was embarrassed to talk about it with me... HELLO??? You're a doctor. We are human beings. You are married. I am married - SEX HAPPENS! So frustrating in so many ways.

But this a tangent to the whole conversation.

Irony is - I can reach orgasm now, but now we aren't having sex.

I think you have lost a love for yourself.I had a decrease in sexual satisfaction at menopause and had to resort other mechanisms of sexual satisfaction with the approval of my partner.As he said..a relationship is more than just sex and was able to accept things as they were.WE still have sex but it does not always climax in the book fashion and we still love each other.Perhaps you and your husband can accept this and as you lose weight and feel more sexy and attractive you can reignite the spark and get back to a better sexual relationship.Not every encounter will hit the bullseye but good luck trying

I think your doctors just aren't comfortable discussing the topic. Find someone who is eg a sex therapist? or a psychological therapist. They are trained to be comfortable with it.

Well, the problem started when I was at a high in "self-love" if that makes sense. It has nothing to do with how I feel about my body, I felt really good about myself and body when I was having these problems. It was a terrible irony.

Right now, it's not happening period and probably won't until we feel better about each other.

I grew up the same way - felt like a waste of face for not having the ideal body to match with said face. Its a different pressure from being hte "ugly" one - more like the "lost potential" one. What helps me a bit is reminding myself that on a day to day basis, hyperfocusing on anyone's looks is something most people don't bother to do. My family invested (too much) time obsessing over it, and most people regard each other as neighbors, coworkers, etc, just like how I view others. Its not a primary concern to what degree of prettiness I have achieved. It sounds goofy to even admit that this is a complex of mine, but I definitely feel an instinctual feeling that I am somehow constantly faced with a panel of beauty pageant judges, when thats really not the case. Anyways, no matter how this ended up manifesting in our feelings as adults (might have affected each of us differently), I'm glad that we acknowledge it and at least try to work through it. I know some who have pushed it so far in the back of their minds or won't admit to the past and it sounds like a tough thing to never mention - like the purple elephant in the room.

Another thing "strange" about the whole complex I have is that I always hate the attention I got for my looks/body. HATED IT. I always felt that it didn't matter what I said or did... it was all in how I looked that was important. Well, there was more... I was the "perfect" child - good student, smart, good at a lot of things. But, I was really 'mediocre' as far everything goes, but for my famiy, I was the star. And I tried to live up to that. I tried to be so darn perfect... But, looks were #1.

My sister, wasn't very talented in anything, was a very poor student and struggled with school, but she was pretty. More, she was sexy. She had "bedroom eyes". I was more the "classic, pretty girl next door" while she was more of the bombshell.

She LOVED the attention people lavished on her for how she looked. She still does and she flaunts it. Her temperment fit with being that girl.

My temperment wanted to hide from that attention. And I became extremely sensitive about it. Too much so.

Took me to an adult to even admit I was a pretty girl and it still feels weird to say it!

I know I'm very young to be trying to give advise to you but I am married and come from a family where my parents had it rough for awhile when my mom was depressed, but now they are stronger than ever.

I don't know what your faith is but my parents watched the movie Fireproof and said it really snapped them back into reality. My husband and I watched it together and cried like babies but our hearts swelled with love for each other. It's very inspiring when it comes to marital issues.

My parents always told me that love wasn't easy because if it was it wouldn't be as precious as it is. It seems to me that you have a great husband but are just struggling to see eye to eye. I really don't know what else to say from there.

I wish you well and hope that with your medication you start to get better and open up to your husband. I also hope he listens and tries to help you. Just keep trying :)