So... 4 years ago? Was it four years??? I think so... maybe three? Ack... Now I'm forgetting!

Anyway, around the time I was turning 40, my health hit an all time low. I went into the doctor's office because of daily, awful headaches. Found out my blood pressure was 220/130. My thyroid was around 48-50ish, my fasting blood sugar was around 150. My Cholesterol was 250ish and I felt awful - no duh.

They got things regulated with medications and I started feeling better and one by one thing go better - first the BP, then the cholesterol and blood sugars and finally the thyroid got better to where it should be. The only medication I needed after a few months was the thyroid medication - it was causing all the other problems.

All was great - I felt great and had energy and so on.

Then... I got complacent. "eh" maybe I can eat this." or "Eh, maybe I don't really need this thyroid medicine. Maybe my thyroid was so messed up because of how I was eating." And then I stopped taking the thyroid medicine. Well, no wonder things started to spiral out of control.

I went to the doctor yesterday - after not taking my thyroid medicine for about 9 months. My blood pressure was 200/150. They couldn't get it to come down and wanted me to go to the emergency room. I declined as my husband was out of town and I had to deal with the kids. They gave me more meds to take at home and made me promise I would come back in today. I did. It's now down to 150-100 and I already feel better and my eyes look better.

I did blood work this morning. I know it's going to be a mess.

What they **** happened to me that I really stopped caring? I got scared to death to jump start this weight loss journey 4 years ago. How did I forget how bad things were?

How can a smart person like me be so freaking stupid? And how can I keep myself from ever being that stupid again?

DEPRESSION KILLS!!!!!

And I'm not a person in depression frequently- I have occasional episodes with some SAD winter blahs, but this started last spring - lasted all summer and just got deep/bad in the fall and winter. I've been in it for about a year - deeply so for the last 7 or so months.

I need to learn from this... and not get complacent, but I also need to figure out HOW!!! I'll probably blog about this tomorrow.

AT LEAST YOU ARE SMART ENOUGH TO GET SCARED.

You have no idea how many people I have known that have died because they never had that "I have to do something" moment. My dad is a prime example.

I also think we all have that 'ten foot tall and bulletproof' thing. When we feel good, we feel invincible, and we forget or neglect the stuff that keeps us feeling good. And depression, in any form, is so hard to fight. I went close to a decade not realizing I was depressed because I was "functioning" (hardly). Now if my eating lapses, or I stop exercising, my mood suffers, my house becomes a disaster, my money gets wasted and I feel like dirt. It's a hard wolf to keep at bay.

RadioJane it is a hard wolf to keep at bay.

The doctor's office today was not "convinced" I would keep taking my medications and that I would come back for followup. I didn't get it. I mean... I made that appointment, right? I came back the next day right? But then I thought, "well duh, you also didn't come in for a year to refill a needed for life medication that only costs me (with insurance) $1 a month to keep me from death's door to healthy. Why would they trust me to take care of myself?" Without insurance it's like $3 a month - it's that cheap.

I have to re-build trust with everyone - family and doctors. And that can get dangerous for me too as I'm a people pleaser. I do things to make other people happy and that also keeps me away or hide things if I think it will make them unhappy. It's why I hide my hurtness/pain. I don't want other people to feel bad. Well WAKE UP MELISSA"! They feel bad when you are depressed too - far longer and much worse than a temporary "worry" that we can make better.

I'm not even opposed to treating depression or seeing a counselor, so it's not even that... it's being afraid of disappointing people - ANYONE.

I've read all your posts today (and your blog)... welcome back from another long time, returned-to-3fc, weight yo-yo-ing person.

You've already taken that hard, painful, honest look at the negatives of the weight-regain and the returning health issues -- so start giving yourself some credit for drawing a line in the sand and pointing and saying, "HERE, NOW is where I make my stand."

You've got this.

Life is messy, and complicated, and difficult and rarely do we get where we are going by following a straight road. It's ups and downs and zigs and zags and peaks and valleys and rain and sunshine. And tough lessons, and big achievements, and falling down, and re-learning, and on and on and on.

I just want to give you a big ole hug and tell you that you've got this!

Thanks Mrs Snark. I'm now working on making my line in the sand a bit closer to "healthy". Yes, at least I have it and even in my deep depression I knew I wasnt' giving up and I would work on it again... but man... I know how to Frack it up!

it's soooo easy for me to get complacent because i'm still working out and i use that to justify whatever i want to eat some days...like "oh i ran this morning so i can eat tons of x-y-z tonight"....*sigh* that has NEVER worked lol

last summer about killed my weight loss because i was around so much good, yummy, junk food all day long and it was SUCH a struggle not to eat it all because of the same reasoning..."well i ran this morning before work so it's okay to have a bunch of pieces of this french toast at work" *sigh*

"And then I stopped taking the thyroid medicine. Well, no wonder things started to spiral out of control. I went to the doctor yesterday - after not taking my thyroid medicine for about 9 months."

Thyroid problems can make you depressed! It's hard to believe how crucial the Rx is. I've been on it my whole adult life, my mom almost died from it, and yet I stopped once, too. Big mistake. Hopefully you'll feel a little better fairly soon.

It's so nice having you back. I missed your posts!

From reading your blog, I am guessing your oldest is a senior? When my oldest was a senior four years ago, (was also 44 at the time), my life spun out of control, too. I was a SAHM whose "job" was being whittled down by one and it was a freaking hard adjustment!!

You have taken that all important first step and it will only get better from here. Don't look back to where you have been but keep an eye on where you will be tomorrow......a week from now.....a month from now!

You can do this!

Hi, can you think of something, even something small that happened last spring that triggered your depression? Maybe if you can go back to the root you can be proactive in the future.

I don't think there was a single trigger. It was a ton of things that just finally did me in.

1. Series of injuries. Every time I would try something else to rest one injury, I would get another.

2. I joined a weight loss team t the gym and despite working my butt off and eating right for three months, the results were far less than I was hoping for.

3. The sexual side effects of either dieting or the thyroid medicine was really bugging me after dealing with it for over two years.

4. I was having a hard time being satisfied with my caloric intake. I was hungry all the time, but if I increased my foods, I gained weight and I gained weight because I wasn't able to exercise as much and exercise is a mood booster and an appetite suppressant for me.

5. I was feeling in a rut with our life. We had to cancel several couple/date plans. My husband and I hardly had time for each other for fun.

6. Went to deeper depression when I could see how upset my husband was with my weight gain. And our sex life went to zero.

7. My mother in law is a constant frustration. (We all live under the same roof)

8. I don't know what to do for a career and I know that I need to figure that out.

9. Having to deal with my senior in HS’s schooling and college applications was a constant battle.

10. my younger son with autism was having a really hard year and hating school.

And probably more. I don't think that there has to be a single trigger. Just sometimes the barriers get to be too much to deal with - for me at least.

I haven't spoken with my husband about any of this in detail yet, but I will be soon. (he's been out of town all day for a conference - comes home late).

My promise to myself and it him is if he sees me slide off my habits, he is to mention them. Not after a day or two... but like if it's been a month... it needs to be addressed. And, I have to promise that I will get to the doctor and get on an anti-depressant.

I am realizing more and more that the problem is depression.

I will also faithfully use my SAD light September through April. I KNOW I have SAD (Seasonal Affect Disorder). Even several cloudy days in a row does it to me... Basically, I need to keep depression at bay. If I can do that, I shouldn't have this regain ever again.

What I cannot do and promise not to do is say, "I'm trying." I'll get back on it." And then not do it. My husband sound the alert (or I sense it) and I PROMISE to address it it with the doctor. I just have to. One of these times it will kill me because that is what my bum thyroid is doing - killing me if I don't treat it.

My mother would be the first to tell you that if you can function at all under the weight of having your MIL living in the house, you're a super hero. Even if you're both saints, that's got to be tense. I remember what that was like as a spectator. Yeesh.

It sounds to me like you have a to give a lot of your energy to other people in your life. I hope you're successful in getting some of that back for yourself!

Oh RadioJane... it's true... I give a LOT of myself. I mean A LOT.

I've tried to speak to my husband before about there needing to be physical boundaries in the house. Like, "She cannot just come walking upstairs if she feels like it." He doesn't understand that, "it's her house too.". Um... no.. there is no room up here that is hers. It's our bedrooms. Our bathrooms and our family room. She has her rooms - her living room. Her bedroom. and her bathroom. NO ONE every just walks into it because she has the doors closed - which means STAY OUT. He doesn't read it that way.

I will have to talk with him again that without those boundaries, I cannot stay here. I am willing to cook the meals and clean up the mess and do the dishes and laundry and grocery shopping, etc. As long as I have the sense that she is in her "place" and I have mine. He thinks our bedroom is the only "our space". Um yes... our 13x13 room is a haven?

But yes, she does contribute a LOT to my frustration and unhappiness. I feel like i'm constantly watched, "Where have you been Melissa?" What's in that package Melissa?" And my least favorite? her talking to me to "keep me company" while I clean and she watches. I finally told her to stop that recently. Her response is tha tI don't know how to live with people... Sure... oldest of 4 kids... and raising a family and living with my husband for the last 20 years... Basically, only 2 years of my life have i NOT lived with people! She's the three times divorced woman - NOT ME!

So yes... you can say it adds to the problem... I don't like her and I have to live with her... and it's not optional unless I leave my husband too as we are financially tied together in this house. If I won the lottery, the first thing I would do is buy my MIL out of her portion of the house and hire someone to come help her with her needs (as she probably shouldn't live on her own any more, but she would never admit that she shouldn't live on her own any more either).

Oh, Melissa, you have several stressors coming at you from all sides. Its no wonder you had no energy for "you"! We always take care of everyone else first while our bodies and emotions are put on a shelf.

I have sent two sons off to college and it is a big stressor! My third (and last) son is a senior this year and it has gotten no easier! :-(

PM me if you ever want to chat. I felt so alone when my first one flew the coop.

Take care!