Self Sabotage / Afraid to be thin?
 

Hi everyone,

I usually lurk and don't often post, but I have noticed a pattern and wanted to see what you all think.

I have been a yo yo dieter for the past 10 years. I lose about 4-10 pounds and then I put that weight on and then some, as soon as I realize I am starting to see results. It's really weird. It's like I look in the mirror and start to notice a difference and then I freak out and start to binge eat a lot. I wonder why I always do this. It's like, I am so close to being where I want to be and then I just destroy ALL of my hours working out and eating healthy. It's actually quite sad. Can anyone else relate to this? Anyone have a theory as to why some people who want to lose weight do this?

I need to make changes this time FOR REAL and I have been doing great all of October :) No binges, healthier eating, consistent exercise, and I am starting to see a little change (my scale doesn't work), so I go by how my clothes fit. But my point is, I am so scared that I am going to fall into my same pattern. In this current moment, I don't feel like it could happen, but it's literally happened maybe 20+ times, so based on my past behavior, I am worried. I just want this so bad, and I have always wanted it so bad, so it's not like this time is any different. Or maybe it is? But if it isn't any different and I always want it bad, what is keeping me from binging away my success?

I find myself doing the same thing....I get in better shape and then just find reasons to pig out or eat too much etc...eat junk...ive kept off 40-50 pounds for well over a year because I don't ever gain more than a few pounds before I buckle down again...lose a few pounds and it starts all over...I feel complacent with the weight that i'm at, where I don't feel horribly fat so I slack off a lot on eating....im really good about the gym though...I haven't found the answer either

I think that the fact that this time you have identified the pattern and made a decision that you don't want to repeat it will help you this time. :)

It's a pattern for a lot of people and there may be numerous reason for it. One reason may be that people are afraid to shed their fat suit. Becoming thin comes with a whole lot of problems, namely being exposed and noticed - that can be hard to handle for someone who's felt invisible for a long time.

Another reason might be that you reward yourself with food, like oh I've been so good at my diet now I'm going to reward myself with a few binges.

I think what's most likely is that we've worked very long and hard to establish terrible patterns and those wrongs can't be righted with a snap of the fingers. I doubt that I will ever wake up one day hating cheetos no matter how hard I work to not eat them. I'll always love junk food, therefore there will always be a chance that I succumb to it.

I have this issue to some extent. Who knows, maybe when we were kids and were sick, our parents forced us to eat and we equated food with nurturing, health and comfort? But as Bindii stated, knowing you have this problem will help you get over it, without necessarily figuring out the underlying reasons (which could take years of therapy). That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to figure it out, but you could certainly do this and overcome the behaviors before you determine the actual source. Believe in yourself and follow through on your goals...make them specific.

I think the answer is a lot more Primal and bred in the bone.

Humans/primates are programmed to eat a lot of food when they see it. That's how we survived the lean years! And there *were* Lean Years. Type in "Famines" in Google and there's one site which lists the history of famines around the world ~ hundreds of them, everywhere.

And primitive hunter/gatherers have/had to eat all of whatever they find.

DH and I actually had an argument about it, which ended when I retorted, "Excuse me, are YOU an evolutionary biologist? If this wasn't an issue, why would we even *need* will power or discipline?"

I could be wrong, and it's not an excuse, but it's the simplest answer without therapy!

Hi-

I completely relate to this. I have talked about this issue in therapy before, it helps me to vent about it but I would like to stop sabotaging myself. I notice that I sabotage myself in other ways too, not just weight. I agree with Bindii, being aware is a good start.

Take care, good for you for wanting to take good care of yourself.

Amy

Sounds like it is possible you are not comfortable being slimmer. Could be a sub conscious blockage and you need to dig down and see if you can find the root of it. Like someone mentioned maybe it happened in your youth.
A good therapist could help you look for it.

I agree with this. I don't think that most of us "snap" because we secretly don't want to be thin. I think we snap because restricting calories is unnatural. If we force ourselves to go against biological instinct, it's not surprising that instinct would seek to assert itself after some time.

F.

This time of year, I can totally agree with that primal thing. My body is like, "eat, eat, eat!" It's gonna be long cold winter, you need to bulk up!:?:

Carbs, fat, protein, carbs, carbs, fat, protein. :dizzy:

Sheesh, I'm not a grizzly bear for the love of Pete! I'm not going to hibernate! I have a secure job, I have a paycheck, I have heat and plumbing that isn't going anywhere. *rolls eyes*

At the same time, my Mother, who has for the better part of her life been obese, and her weight has gone up and down, when she gets down to something *almost* healthy, she freaks out and eats back on her suit of protective fat.

When she was 37, she had lost a considerable amount of weight and was doing well. Then my dad died in a bad accident, and within 1 year, she gained back the 100 she lost and then some.

Over the the last 36 years she's been up and down. Sometimes on purpose, sometimes health issues.

After all this time, and watching her, I see, just for her, she wears her obesity as a protective thing. It's like she does not want herself or anyone else to expect anything of her because of her weight.

The sad thing is she is a very artistic and intelligent woman, who is wasting her talents, hiding in her food addiction.

In all reality, obese, thin, healthy, fit, or whatever, life is still life. Some days it's great, some days it bites! The weight will not protect us from life. It's going to happen anyway.

So, we should embrace it and live it! Mud wrestle! I did many moons ago, young and silly. Hey, out of 5 of us who did it, I was the only woman, and the only one who won any money! Would I do it now. NOT. But at the time, hey, it was fun!:carrot:

Life, is meant to be lived. We only get one chance! Make the most of it! Dance, sing, be silly, make home made noodles with your kids, who cares how much flour you get all over the house! Rescue a frozen cat! (didn't think he was going to live). Darn cat scattered my yarn all over the house, even in the ceiling fan. :D

Sing in the car. Get a bottle of bubbles and blow them out your car window when you are sitting at a stop light!

Ok, I'm rambling now, but, relax, be healthy! Enjoy the ride, it's the only one you're gonna get!

I had totally relate on the whole "Fat suit protection" comment. that's my problem too. I don't want to be visible in the sense that it might actually do me good. I have a very complicated home life and I don't want things to change for worse, but then I have to think "I can't live for other people. I can't let people guilt me for being happy for myself".

As soon as I notice--or others notice--I do the same. It's nice to see I'm not the only one. I thought I was nuts!

I think I've realized why I do what I do, and one part of it is that men will notice me when I lose weight. I hope that a friend's advice will help, if I drill it into myself enough. "If I'm not ready to date, I don't have to."

Hi grumpycat. I can totally relate to your feelings. I would lose 20 pounds and then everyone notices and everyone comments on it. I'd feel like I was on display very uncomfortable. So I'd gain it back. I recognized that I did this and how I felt about it which helped and then found strategies for dealing. I struggled with being able to accept a compliment so I found a way to do that as far as men, I figured that they can look, they can ask and you can be confident and in control there. It used to make me uncomfortable getting attention but not now. I can't let others opinion (good or bad) have control anymore.

I do this too. Part of me feels I do this because when I was in school, it was my way of "rewarding" myself. My roommates and I after eating pb &j for a week during finals would plan to eat a nice meal (usually comfort food) to "relax" I know the satisfaction from that is what makes me still go in that direction. Of course they were tiny and never really had an issue with it, me on the other hand...

I actually love losing the weight, nothing feels better than loose clothes, but I hate that my rewards are constantly food related. I need to find a good thrift store where I can spend a little money buying cute stuff to help my weight loss, maybe that would be more of a motivator?

I can definitely relate to this. I think I even mentioned it already somewhere on the forum.
Mine is as follows. I start to diet, I lose 20 pounds (always), look at myself in the mirror getting thin and I self sabotage. I think somewhere deep inside myself I'm scared of looking thin. I've been thin before (in my childhood) and in my puberty I wanted to get some fat on my body because I was too skinny and that's how I entered the non ending sequence of fat-diet-fat-diet.
I also think that when I start to lose weight, I feel like I'm entering a territory where I do not belong. Like being thin is reserved to a happy few and I'm not allowed in that circle and I shouldn't force myself to enter that circle. I tell myself, deep down: "Look at yourself : Everything, your scale, your body, your clothes, food, everything is letting you know that you are you and you'll never be anyone else so why even try? Just stay like that, you look just superb! What makes you feel like you'll still look this good when you enter that territory?"
Unfortunately,I never stay like that. I always take all the pounds back, and add a few more than the previous time.
I also think that being fat has come to be part of my personal identity and of my mental perception of myself.
I also identified this problem before this diet, which I think is a good thing because now I'm expecting it and when it comes I'll be aware of it.
I'm turning 30 this year and I'm sooo ready in my mind. I'm gonna lose the weight, keep it off and claim my prettiness back. :cloud9::cloud9::cloud9:

Your pretty tall. Is 130 too skinny for you. I always find when i get too skinny i start to get an appetite.

Anyway i don't buy the idea that you are self sabotaging out of fear to be thin. I think its possibly loosening up your vigilance cause you think you've arrived and don't need to work anymore. That's been a lot to do with my undoing in the past and i think for many others as well.



Probably wanting it so bad is not helpful either. You need to let go that need a bit. Relax a bit more but be vigilant. Sounds like a total contradiction.

Yo'uve got your plan, just stick to it and trust that it will work. But when you get there, you can't afford to slack off. You have to work at maintenance then.

I completely agree with you, Inkrid. I've always been suspicious of the "scared to be thin" self-sabotage theory. If offered a guarantee of being thin for life without having to watch food intake, how many of the so-called self-saboteurs would say no?

F.

p.s. Alzheimer moment!! I reread the thread and realized I already weighed in earlier. At least both my answers are consistent!

I don't agree with you on this one, freelancemomma. The question here is becoming thin after being fat for a long time, and not being offered the guarantee to be thin without watching food.
Of course, not everyone on this forum has been overweight their whole lives, or for decades.
You can't be suspicious of people experiencing something just because YOU haven't experienced it.
The few days I've spent on here, I've learned that we are so different and weight loss has psychological implications and manifestations that vary from a person to another. Let us be tolerant and understanding to each other.
I read your comment and I felt the same way I feel when slim people ask me: "why don't you just watch your food intake?" Because you don't know my reality!

Thank you! This!

We want fat to guard against famine. After our bodies experience a little "famine" in the form of dieting enough to lose weight we want it even more!

The problem is that if we were just monkeys on an evolutionary journey then that seems feasible and reasonable even. But we are humans with lots of emotional baggage and hormones and a lifetime of feeling bad about our bodies (for some). I KNOW for me that figuring out the emotional and psychological issues I had was the only way to losing weight. I've not been lazy I work 70-80 hours a week. I've not been misinformed, I've studied nutrition and exercise and what I lacked was motivation. I would imagine for many it's the same. It just kills me that someone else thinks they have MY struggles all figured out!

I'm not sure you understood my point. I was just presenting a hypothetical scenario as a litmus test for people who claim they're scared to be thin. I'm sure such people exist, but I don't think the phenomenon explains why most people fall short of reaching their weight goals. We often look for convoluted explanations for diet fatigue, when in my opinion it's largely a question of biology. It's hard to keep dieting, and people get physically and mentally exhausted from the effort.

JMHO Freelance

well, my problem is honest-to-goodness self-sabotage.

i actually lost weight last month due to horrible acid reflux (post stomach flu). it lasted the whole month, and the weight loss was noticeable. of course, once the acid reflux went away...i gained it back and more. i couldn't seem to stop eating, even though i was uncomfortably full at times.

going to the doctor tomorrow, which i've been avoiding because they will weigh me. silly, eh? but maybe that will knock some sense into me.

i was just thinking about this last night. i was thinking about my new mini goal: under 300 by easter. i haven't been under 300 in YEARS! and it was scary to me.
i think that's why i set such lofty, unattainable goals for weight loss in the past. because i'm afraid to do it. i'm afraid to be thin.
i have to let go of this. i want to feel better. i want to see my kids grow up and get married. i want to see my grandbabies. and i can't do that if i keep getting bigger... :/

Exactly! When I identified my problem with dieting (that I want to see results right then and there a week after I start), I told myself to stop it. I had never thought about what my problem was, and once I was able to pinpoint it, it became smooth sailing. I usually quit my diets after one-two weeks; this time around I have been dieting (and losing consistently) for 6 weeks. I have also told myself, and continue to tell myself, that this is my new life and that unhealthy foods are not an option as if they don't exist or I'm terribly allergic to them or whatever. Of course, keeping a tummy full of healthy proteins helps curb those cravings, and that healthy protein is a huge part of the process. :)

Good luck!

:broc::broc:

I'll weigh in on the biological vs. psychological debate on this thread: Human beings are complex creatures. I suggest we agree that there are biological and psychological reasons why most people find it hard to maintain a weight loss. (I say "most people" because we all know the odds.) And that there are many different psychological reasons.

Personally, I know darn well I'm afraid to shed the fat suit. That's why every single day I have to actively choose what I want for my health over how I feel at any one moment. So far, it's working. =smile=

Psychology is not destiny, any more than biology is: each and every one of us can choose what path we're on. So appreciate your complexity, then commit to what it is you really want in the long run, above and beyond the hubbub of inner voices.

I do this too! I start seeing results and then slack on workouts and eating. It might just be a subconscious fear of being noticed or something. That's what I think it is for me. I have ALWAYS been chubby and ALWAYS gain the weight back. But the fact you notice this is good and might help you this time like I'm hoping it helps me this time. :)

I just wanted to bump this up because I struggle with this. I've wondered and I have read a lot about it - the why(s) - but, ultimately, I don't know. I just know that I still do it.

I, too, think the reasons vary for everyone and for me, I do think it is more psychological than biological.

I have noticed this with myself all my life. Often it comes after someone notices my weight loss or comments on it. One time it happened after I went to the movies with a male friend and he tried to grope my thigh during amorous scenes. I didn't want to cause a scene and I just tried to subtly discourage him, I felt like I couldn't tell him to stop touching me. After that I went home and ate the WORLD. ( I was young and single back then)

I have mentioned this book around the forums a few times but its because its been a game changer for me. Someone finally did write a book about this and its called Starting Monday by Karen Koenig. It really gets into self sabotage and I found it very helpful. :)

I'm curious to read this book Pink. The title itself is so jarrin and rings so true for those of us who were caught it the revolving door of diets.

I struggle with this. Been trying to lose weight for years, and I do! But not to goal, just until I and other people see changes. Then I feel incredibly insecure, and I feel like the comfort of my old eating habits has gone too. I guess I am scared of the changes. Plus, I get to a point where even though I'm not at goal, I look 'good enough' and think I deserve a treat/time off the diet. I don't mean maintenance, I mean 'Ive done the hard work and restriction now I'm going to enjoy myself'. Part of the reason this time is different is because I have identified these feelings and am prepared for them.

I looked it up on Amazon since I have been proclaiming it all over the forums.
It's actually called: Starting Monday: Seven Keys to a Permanent, Positive Relationship with Food.
So, maybe a little less jarring. :) But yes I know what you mean about the truth of the title and being caught in the revolving door of diets.

I've struggled with being overweight - nearly obese for the past 10 years.

And as some people have mentioned - the moment someone notices a change, I freak out because of the extra attention and go back to my old habits.

It's taken me forever to recognize this and try and move past it. A lot of this has to do with self-esteem. My entire childhood and teens I was told I was fat (even though I wasn't). And it's been such a struggle coming to accept myself and my body at my larger size, that it scared me trying to lose weight. I thought that losing weight would take me back to a body that kept being judged (I felt safe at the higher weight)

I am getting better at tuning out other people's opinions - but it is hard staying focused. I try and focus on my health and fitness, and try not to think about my weight but rather how my stamina and muscles are improving. It's not perfect but it's helping me cope.

I think this the real key for a lot of people. I don't think you ever stop being judged by people, including ourselves. We're always "too something" in the eyes of others. We're too fat, too skinny, too lazy, too inconsiderate, too meek, too assertive, too obsessive, too impulsive, too, too, too. Or even worse "not". Not impulsive, not attentive, not concerned, not, not, not. It never ends.

I think for the most part you have to figure that you're going to be judged no matter what you do and you have find a way to be happy with yourself, no matter what that means in everyone else's view. If you want to lose weight, then do that for whatever reason drives you, health, vanity, whatever, and then be ok with that. Yeah, I know, easier said than done for most. If you don't want to then don't, either way you will be judged by someone for either decision. Just make yourself happy.

I think sometimes people self-sab because they are afraid that they will be seen for who they really are and they are not sure how everyone will react. Like, when people would avoid me or reject me when I was over 200 lbs, my thought was that they did what they did because I was fat, not some personality issue. If someone avoids or rejects me when I get down to 145, I won't be able to blame the fat.

I read Overcoming Overeating which deals with this a little (though I think much of the book is outdated). Dieting and overeating, and being caught up in the emotional drama of guilt about overeating provide a safe haven. Many of us use overeating as a substitute for the messier problems of life, though that isn't necessarily the root of our overeating in the first place.

Overeating and dieting are things we can be immersed in, even though we make ourselves miserable with them. But those things are at least familiar territory. Once we arrive at goal weight, life becomes more complicated and messy, and downright scary. Even though there is a lot to be happy about, too. This is especially true, I think, for those of us who have been overweight for a long time.

For example, no longer too fat to go to a party, we now have to deal with the social anxiety that might be there. What if people don't like us for ourselves (vs because we're fat)? Then of course the anxiety about being seen & judges, being hit on, feeling romantic attraction, etc. I even postpone budget planning, major housecleaning, all sorts of things "until I'm finished dieting."

Think of all the things you postpone while on a diet (and falling off the diet). That pile of life's problems and anxiety, aversions, you name it, are all there waiting for you, along with the great stuff. I find that idea very helpful.

This is so painfully true. How much we put off and put out of reach until we lose weight. We deny ourselves experiences, clothes, pleasures, vacations, you name it. It's like we perpetually punish ourselves for being overweight.

The title is jarring to me because it symbolizes the constant feeling we have that today we have failed and the perpetual hope that we have that we will wake up on Monday and be stronger, more persistent better people. We focus on a future that we have no idea how to start today.

Wow!! Ive never really thought about it that way before, more I want to 'reward' myself when I finally (never) manage it, but that actually rings so true!!

Yep I punish myself for being obese as well.
As for regaining weight - it was a combination of being exhausted and hungry, and being mistreated by a man I'd wanted for years. I didn't want to be hurt by another man again. So I ate it all back.

To protect myself from predators in future - I've learned a lot about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Pick Up Artists. And I've vowed to always wear masculine baggy clothes despite weight loss. If I'm not flaunting myself, I'll hopefully stay invisible. At least until I feel more confident and used to the new me.

Thank you for the Koenig book recommendation. I saw one of your posts and finally bit the bullet. What a great book that everyone should read.