phantom fat syndrome
 

super interesting article that i've read that pretty much sums up how i feel in relations to how i feel, even if i have 50 more lbs to go. i've been very vocal about my loss, and i'm very happy to have the support system i have. i just don't know how to describe the other feelings i've been experiencing for the past two months or so. grateful for the compliments, desperate for recognition from those in my life, excited with attention from guys (some who are quiet obvious when they give me the look over) but still somehow self-deprecating. i know a few of my friends here have lost a good amount of weight so my question to you is how did you deal with everything without going crazy? and guys, don't worry i'm not gonna break my diet or anything dramatic like that. i'm still very much dedicated to the goal and beyond with maintaining the goal. i just feel like i'm going crazy from all these emotions i'm feeling.

phantom fat article

The link didn't work for me. I'll try to find it on the web.

Very interesting article

Vintagecat - Here is the raw URL http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/weig...ml#post4849649

Tuscany - Very interesting because I don't know if many people talk about how you can still feel not so great.

Found it.

I call it fat head. I gained about 80 pounds in my early 20s. I was in a really unhappy marriage. I dumped the bad marriage and 100 pounds with it for well over 6 years. I had what I called a fat head at first. It takes time to adjust.

If I have one piece of advice it's to try to remain yourself as much as possible. If your roots are happy, stick with them. Find someone that you respect that will e honest with you to help you keep it real, to be a "mirror" if you need it.

FWIW, I understand. This too shall pass....eventually.

vintagecat i wasn't married before but i was with my guy for 4 years before he dumped me because i was too fat and he was unattracted to me. that's fine though. i am much better because of it. i just know i had gained 100lbs with him. now, i'm smaller than what i was in high school even, but i still feel so foreign to myself.

i am afraid of losing what makes me awesome as i change because i'm feeling a bit off now that i'm not the funny fat friend anymore. i am barely dated obviously and i am scared of putting myself out there. i'm just really tripping. my family is great, but i can feel my sister being resentful. their compliments on my weight is great but also weird. my grandmother, who is a doll keeps saying, i never thought i'd see you this small. you're so beautiful. and constantly repeats it to the point where it's VERY uncomfortable but i can't correct her because she's elderly and lovely. my friends are great, but they have all moved away so i call them in a panic most of the time when i feel super down and out about myself. it's a weird weird feeling.

alex_thompson - it is super real! i always sit down in booths and get elated when i can without feeling so squished in. there is a little small narrow gap between the bar and the tables i serve at work, and i can fit through there with ease each way i turn and that blows my mind because i used to have to walk all the way around cause i could never fit through or i'd get stuck.

While I can completly empathise with the points raised in the articel, I don't have much wisdom to share, I'm still working through these issues. If you're interested in reading more about this theme, I really enjoyed Frances Kuffel's book Passing For Thin, which is sort of a memoir on being fat, weight loss, being thin and how your place in the world seems to shift.

I understand completely to the OP. I lost over 60lbs when I was in my mid 20s. I felt great and looked wonderful on the outside but my mind hadnt caught up with my weight loss I would look at a pair of jeans and say I couldn't possibly fit into but they were my size. I was constant ly seeking attention fishing for compliments and approval from everyone.I became promiscuous and was constantly trying to prove to myself that I was worth it now bc I had lost weight. It was awful emotionally. I hope this time around it won't be like now that I am conscious abt what can happen and I am trying to deal with my emotions as I lose. Plus im losing slower than that time.

Wishfully,

I understand. I really do. I have a very good memory and I can recall the elemental discomfort with the shift in my life. I too had dynamic changes with family and friends after weight loss and I lost a number of friends with the divorce because they were in a church that looked down on divorce. My ex kept those friends. I also had a hard time with attention both positive and negative. As ridiculous as it sounds to people that haven't gotten those type of compliments, excessive compliments or people flattering me with hidden agendas were perceived very negatively by me.

Is there any way you can be the thin funny friend or was humor a deflection or defense that you no longer wish to deploy? Is there a local support group that you can work with? Unless you live in a small town there are usually women's resource centers where you could possibly link up with some support. If you can afford counseling I'd suggest it now. Just to get you over the hump until you can find support elsewhere.

Other than that, this is the place to come. Perhaps the maintainers with some experience will chime in. Most folks actively engaged in weight loss, unless they lost a lot of weight and kept it off previously for a time, won't necessarily be able to relate yet or are working through the issues themselves.

I will be very honest with you. This is a very vulnerable time in your life. I zoomed back up the scale after being sexually harassed by my married instructor at work. (Sleep with me or fail training.) I resisted through all means possible (no reporting system) and one of those means was gaining 60 pounds in a few months time, 100 pounds that year, setting off an eating disorder. It made me a different person. If I had known then what I know now, I'd have worked much harder on my support system, it being almost absent at the time. New city, new job.

Fortunately for me I'm older, happily married and societally invisible. I'm also outspoken, trust my well honed insincts and I don't care anymore what people think of me. There is a certain safety in all of these things that younger people just don't possess yet. FWIW, I hear you. Find some support, close by that is willing to do this for you. I wish you well.

I went through this a bit. I did not trust how I looked in clothing, shopping was a nightmare and it has been hard to accept compliments. ( Did I look so awful before? How will it be if I regain?)I resorted to taking photos daily of my self in different outfits to help me see my self more objectively. It helped me see me for how I look, not how I think I look.

It is not perfect, but over the last year things have been better in that area. Take the compliments graciously, take self portraits and be cool like Fonzie. :-)

My current struggle is trying not to feel like a faker.... Like any moment I will gain all of my weight back. Like I'm passing as thin. Maybe I should get that book.

We have very similar stats, right down to gaining 100 pounds while being with an ex. I get a lot of this, I really do. But at the same time, my overall loss has been very slow so I think it's given my mind a better chance to adapt to all the changes.

To offer a look at the other side, my personal "normal" resides around 250-275 pounds since it's where I've spent most of my life, even throughout high school. When I skyrocketed to 360 pounds several years back I would have sworn I wasn't a pound over 275, but dammit, why wouldn't any of my old shirts or jeans fit? They must have shrunk in the new dryer! And why wouldn't the 2X's at the store fit anymore? They must be making the sizes smaller than they used to. Chairs must have been getting smaller too, as well as store aisles and restaurant booths. And what is up with my car's seat belt? If only I could see the part that I have to buckle . . . so yeah, I was seriously in that much denial until I bit the bullet and climbed on the scale. Aside from some growing health problems that I kept disconnected with the extreme gain, I didn't feel any different than I had been when I was 100 pounds lighter. In my mind, fat was simply fat anyway, so how could there really be a such a notable difference between my normal 250+ pounds and the 350+ pounds I so suddenly realized I was?

It took years to work my way down to the 250 range, and once I did, it pretty much felt like I'd accomplished nothing. I was still in plus sizes (although I could at least buy off the rack again), and I was still 100 pounds overweight. Woopty-freakin'-doo, right? It wasn't until I'd dropped to around 220 that I really felt I'd accomplished something amazing. I'd gotten down to a size 16, noticed I could bend, and felt positively svelte. Even though I knew I still had problem areas and continued to carry most of my excess weight in my stomach, I was starting to feel like a "normal" human being for the first time and not just a fat blob. Sitting in chairs with arms is no longer an issue. Booths are never an issue. I can wind my way around most tight spots easily. Seat belts are a breeze! And for the first time I realized I could bend over to pick something off the floor and not be in pain, and not find it extremely difficult.

Being pregnant now has added an extra layer of issues on top of all this; my growing belly feels more like that old, "normal," 250 pound me. I keep imagining how much of a shock it will be to my system once I have the baby and lose much of this stomach; I barely had a chance to get used to a smaller me so it's gonna be like BAM. :dizzy:

Sigh . . . I wish I could offer more insight, but more than anything I think it's true that our minds often sit at where we've spent most of our lives. It'll take time to adjust, but it's ok. First and foremost concentrate on making your health a priority, and the rest will likely fall into place.

You've accomplished so much already! :hug: You're gonna be fine. :)

I just went plain crazy. It takes time for the brain to adjust.

In the craziness I got rid of a lot of the old me. New clothes, new hair, new glasses, new outlook on life, trying new things, trying to make friends...

I've lost a few of the things I used to like about my old self along the way but gained other things I never had.

But old Ian is gone now.

The catch is that when I started this journey I just thought I would end up a thinner me. That did not happen. Me has changed as well. Hopefully for the better.

My main hope is that this change does not affect my marriage. I'm not the same guy my wife married, for better or worse.

Interesting Ian, I hope things work out for you.

As a regainer/loser I feel like I have found one of my old selves, a stronger fitter one. I do find it surprising sometimes how clothes fit or where I can fit like another poster mentioned about not having to take the long way around.

I guess it's kind of like going to push your glasses up on your nose when you're wearing contacts. Makes you wonder how the mind works.

Here's something I find kind of bizarre lately, everyday I weigh myself and write it on the calendar, I've been stuck in the 160s for months and months yet I often find myself starting to write 180 or 170...

All I can suggest is to maybe take up meditation to help your mind adjust.

I just read your post from last year about phantom fat.

To date I have gotten rid of 161 pounds. I look completely different, but often I do not feel I do...more than often. I drive myself crazy, too.

I know this is a common feeling. Has it improved for you?

I think the phantom fat syndrome is fairly universal among us. I know I won't ever fully adjust to my body but the good thing about this is... I don't want to.
I LIKE it when I think oooohhh I think I am too fat for something only to be blown away by the item fitting, or being able to do the physical thing that I thought I couldn't.
It dazzles me and I want to it to go on! I don't want to get so used to being smaller that it becomes humdrum!
Imagine being one of the folks who don't get the opportunity to be CONSTANTLY surprised in a good way. :) How boring!
But yes, the article is more concerned with potentially serious self-image problems among men and women. I still see phantom fat too and get irrationally peeved over it.
Buuuut... there is a silver lining in that cloud. In the form of random moments of wonder and gratitude. May it never die! :)

OMG me me me! I feel fatter now than I did at my fattest!! It is all so very weird and strange. I did forward the article to my mom cause she thinks I am crazy!

Like Ian, I have changed internally and hope it is for the better. I like me better so maybe that is enough........

[QUOTE=IanG;4850139]I just went plain crazy. It takes time for the brain to adjust.

In the craziness I got rid of a lot of the old me. New clothes, new hair, new glasses, new outlook on life, trying new things, trying to make friends...

I've lost a few of the things I used to like about my old self along the way but gained other things I never had.

But old Ian is gone now.

The catch is that when I started this journey I just thought I would end up a thinner me. That did not happen. Me has changed as well. Hopefully for the better.

My main hope is that this change does not affect my marriage. I'm not the same guy my wife married, for better or worse.[/QUOTE]

Wow, Ian you hit the nail on. the. head.

This worries me in my marriage as well.

Last time I lost 65 lbs I became visible to men again, and at almost 35 I felt like I could handle it. Then an old crush used me, then shunned me like I never existed, and I was heartbroken. All the weight came back on again.

It definitely is a fat coat of safety for me. Being invisible stops most sexual harassment and fear of rape, which is a big plus. Last time I lost weight I became quite vain with all the clothes, makeup and selfies. This time I swear I will continue to dress the same, so I don't feel so unearthed, and so bad things won't happen to me.

Another weird thing was thinking I was still 100kg in the mirror when I was 74 kg. I felt more fat at 74 than at 100. Now it's the reverse, my eyes only go to the attractive/ thin parts of me, and I think "I'm not so bad", only in photos I will disgust myself....

it's a real head trip!

oy vey! i could write a book. This first hit me when i walked up to a glass door - having lost nearly 200 pounds at that point, and saw a woman reach out to open it. I had no idea who she was, and how she got to the door before i did! And every time I reached out for the door handle, so did she!! believe me - it took me several minutes to figure this out! Thank goodness no one else was around.

and then being able to navigate a smaller space - someone had parked a cart in the middle of the hallway, and i wouldn't have been able to squeeze by at 500+ pounds, but I went through it - easily, without turning sideways - i was so shocked i did it several more times.

and then the mornings I couldn't get dressed because I KNEW that those smaller pants WOULD NOT GO OVER MY KNEES.

I still wear clothes that don't exactly fit - i hate the feeling of something actually clinging to my body. On some level, I know that if i can get the pants off and on without unzipping them, they're too big. Yet, that's what I prefer.

Right now I have on a shirt that's a size 30, and i'm actually in the 20-22 range [i will never be a size 10 again - that's OK]. I wore a shirt that fit yesterday, and wasn't comfortable. it looked fine, but i was unhappy.

It's a head game. and head games take time - and some effort - to get past, or at least to change the rules in your head.

YES!!!

I think there were a couple of issues in the article but the idea of not being able to see the weight loss in the mirror is a real one. It's several components - one, when I lose weight I look the same, just smaller and it happens gradually so I don't really see it. I just look in the mirror and see the same parts I hated when I was bigger. I think I can tell the difference more in the areas that were never a "problem" because those look better - ie, I have collar bones and my feet are smaller and my wrist looks tiny. But the parts I don't like still are there in the same proportion as they were. It's a mind game. Then there's the fact that the scale is weird - I can weight a particular weight and fit into some things and then weight that same amount again and they don't fit. So if it looks the same in the mirror and the scale isn't reliable, then all I have are my eyes?

Another issue is that of getting to your weight goal and still not being happy with your body. Well, like I said above, your smaller body (at least mine) is probably similar to the fatter one but more it boils down to this - We expect weight loss to be a magic pill to solve our body image problem and it's not. When I reach my goal weight, I'll love my body. But it doesn't work that way. I'm still working through this one but the key is to go ahead and love yourself now because if you don't, losing weight won't change that. I've read posts about "thinking I was fat when I was thin" and I was the same way - Being happy with your body isn't about what you weight - it's mental work, not physical or nutritional work. Why wait to feel good about yourself?

Last, the other thing that stood out to me was the issue of identity. I see it in the posts above, too. I think a lot of us feel this way, but speaking for me, losing weight meant a change in who I perceived myself to be. I find myself still holding onto the "fat girl" identity. I go in stores and don't feel like the clothes there are for me. They are for others who are thin. When I put them on and they fit, it is head spinning. I search frantically in the mirror for signs of the parts of my body I familiarly don't like and it is oddly comforting because I know that woman. This other one.....ehhhh.....like Ian said - it's a mind game and you find yourself really questioning who you are in every aspect and not just your weight. You challenge perceptions you had of yourself and go on a self discovery journey.

Yeah, to me "phantom fat" is the term for the lag between physical weight loss and the mental health work we need to do.