Location: from Canada currently living in Cairo, Egypt
Posts: 308
S/C/G: 380/ticker/180
Height: 5"9
Quote:
Originally Posted by FickleHearts
All that being said...... I'm actually pretty happy with my life. I don't sit around and lament these things. It just is what it is. Everything on this list is fixable. If I'm going to be sad about something, it's going to be about things I can't control. I can control what goes into my mouth and that's a good start!!!
I love how you summed things up in the end.
This is exactly how I feel.
Yes, I am avoiding these things now.... but it's not like I stopped living completely...
The worst is probably skipping University after I graduated High School. I hated myself which made me shy. I wasn't about to leave home and go to somewhere where I didn't know anyone, because I fail at making friends. Not to mention, everything done at University I would have to avoid if I had even went, like football games because I would have been the fat person squeezing through the bleachers. I even figured I'd need a single dorm because I wouldn't want to disappoint my roommate by having them be stuck with the fat girl that doesn't do anything.
Needless to say, I'm now 22 and still haven't furthered my education, even though I want to badly. I plan on going back to school, but being a freshman, living in dorms, and dating is an experience I will never get in my life that I had always been excited for as a teen, and that hurts a lot.
When I was a kid, I avoided things like dance that I always dreamed of doing. I was a cheerleader in 8th grade and part of 9th but I was basically the joke of the school and I wish I could take that back and wish I had never done that.
Then of course, swimming, clothes shopping, dating, chairs, carnivals... the list goes on!
Swimming - I hate the swim suit (not just being seen in it, but getting it on is one thing! UGH!) I hate feeling exhausted swimming too - I'm so tired at the end of it.
I avoid most exercise because I'm scared of the physical pain (several times I've stopped running programs because of severe knee and ankle pain). I am very nervous to go on hikes with friends and I"m always the last one trailing along. I
I avoid shopping... enough said! When you're a size 28/30 you can't find ANYTHING to wear.
I avoid seeing family or friends. I'm so mortified by what I look like, and I hate that look of "shock" from people who haven't seen me in awhile. I avoided by 5 year reunion despite it being literally blocks from my home because I couldn't bear people seeing how far I let myself go.
I avoid flying and amusement park rides. Really anything with a standard sized seat (desk chairs with arm rests are the worst too!) I had a terrible experience at one a few summers ago - I left sobbing with my fiance at the time. I got humiliated by the ride attendant about how I couldn't fit behind the metal lap bar. I had never in my life felt truly fat until that moment, it was the WORST feeling I've ever felt about myself.
I avoid facebook photos too. All of my photos are old ones or just head shots with a good angle. I ahve it set up so that people can't see photos I'm tagged in. I would like have panic attacks - I have a few friends I've never met in real life (I had a history of having some online romances) and I was soooooooo ashamed of them finding out how big I was. I met one of them in person (I was probably like 80 lbs less than I am now) and I think he really was surprised at what I looked like, apparently he was a lot more shallow than I thought. It's totally twisted and messed up - but it's something I have to just move on from!
Nothing anymore. I sat here trying to think of something and really could not. I know I'm still overweight but honestly I stopped caring about all of the things that used to bother me. I wear shorts, tank tops, yoga pants, spandex shorts, run in public, go flying, go to the beach, no longer wear a cover up and walk around in my suit at the beach.
I don't know how I changed. Well, wait. I take that back. I know a lot of it had to do with running. When I started running I started to see myself differently. And stopped worrying about how I looked and how others saw me. I stopped viewing being fat as the worst thing ever. Because I am fat - it doesn't mean I can't enjoy my life. I am trying to lose that fat but I no longer hate myself. And I used to and used to hide and not live.
Wow, a lot of what people have said are on my list too.
Biggest is pictures of myself. I hated pictures, then I lost 14lbs and I felt a little more comfortable. Then I gained it again and don't really like them now. I've some on facebook from a holiday in July but I've untagged a majority of them that I hate!
While I don't avoid it, I don't enjoy going and picking clothes while out shopping. I love shopping, I love picking out new things but it's finding clothes that I don't feel hideous in or that suit my figure that I struggle with.
Putting on a bathing suit and riding the waves
Taking family picture- very sad when my children look at them and ask, "where's mommy"
Running into people I used to know, because I'm ashamed of what I look like.
Going to social events because I'm tired of being the fat one
But all this is changing! I'm taking control, I'm not going to be the fat one anymore! I'm going to lose this weight and regain my confidence. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.
As I've been reading everything, it's all pretty much what I find myself facing daily too. Some things for me:
- I avoid pictures at all cost. I try to be the one taking the photo so that I don't have to be in it.
- I avoid chairs that have arms or folding chairs because I am worried they will not hold my weight
- I try to get out of as many social situations as I can, with hubby and friends and family
- Hate clothes shopping! I buy all of my clothes online or thrift shops
- If I happen to be out and see someone I knew in my thinner days, I will literally hide so they don't see me like this
- I avoid movie theaters and concerts because I will feel like a huge blob trying to squeeze into a too-small seat
- I'm too self conscious to join a gym, or to even go walking in my neighbourhood. If I do walk, I try to go at night.
- I avoid going to any restaurants where I'm not sure of the seating. There's nothing more humiliating then being taken to a booth and having to squeeze into it or to realize you're not going to fit, and then have to ask for a table -.-
I don't feel as bad for me as I do for my hubby, because there's so many things we miss out on doing, because of me and my weight. I know that the choices I have made put me here, and I also know the choices I am making now will put me in a better place.
I look forward to the day that I won't have to think about these things
Healthy living is very important but consuming last few months healthy foods I gained lot of weight and now I look quite ridiculous. Therefore I avoid doing all of those works, that made uncomfortable from my comfortable zone. Although I'm being doing exercising slowly, I can't quite this no matter what.
I've avoided pictures, too. And I just hate that. I only have a handful of pictures of myself in my entire 20s. Now I'm approaching my 29th year in a few weeks and I just want to take as many pictures as I can before I turn 30.
In a way, I feel like I wasted my 20s and don't have anything to show for it. I see people my age with so many experiences and memories under their belt and I feel like I've let my life become too sheltered, too boring.
I never used to wear anything but t-shirts, stretch pants, and hid behind hoodies whenever I could.
Shopping for clothes was torture, even on the rare occasion I was able to find anything I liked.
I remember not being able to fit on an amusement park ride and having too close of a call on several others.
I dreaded having to walk any further than a block, and sometimes could barely make it across my own apartment.
I was afraid of speaking in front of others, feeling constantly judged.
I avoided having my photo taken.
I avoided going out, period.
I'm pretty much over all that now, although I still have issues with shorts and sleeveless tops. I'm getting there though!
Oh, I could definitely embarrass myself with some of my answers to this question. lol Here it goes:
1) I definitely avoid pictures like the plague, which I have never done until recently. I've always loved pictures, period. But now, after gaining back 93 pounds I previously lost, I don't want anyone seeing me from the neck down. (And sometimes from the neck up either!).
2) I go grocery shopping 45 minutes away from home to avoid seeing people who don't know I've gained weight back. Yes. I do this.
3) I avoid going to the track for the same reason as above. Even though it's doubtful I'll run into anyone, I'm always paranoid.
4) I avoid doing things with family members that I'm not close to. That's cousins and such. They live very close to me and we used to hang out all the time, but I steer clear of them now. I feel like they're judging my weight gain too much (even though they probably aren't).
5) I don't try things on at the store anymore (used to love doing this, even before I lost 93 pounds). I hate seeing myself.
The list goes on, really, but that is what I'm willing to share.
I get this so hard. I HATE HATE HATE RUNNING INTO PEOPLE. I pretty much hate being seen by anyone or seeing people - family comes into town? What excuse can I use? I don't go back and see old classmates or co workers EVER. If someone I know ends up being my cashier or waitress I panic and just want to sink into the floor. It's one of them many aspects of the prison I feel like I live in. The thought of someone seeing me at the gym is mortifying - I like to be anonymous. I am always afraid someone is going to pop up and want to talk to me about my weight.
-Dating. I know plenty of people have found relationships and even love at larger weights. In my head, any guy who has interest in me is either looking for what he hopes to be an easy lay or he has a fetish. This may very well be entirely false, but I just can't get past it.
^THIS. I can deal with photographs, and exercising in public. I used to go to the gym in my old college town (nothing but fit people went to the REC center so I stuck out like a sore thumb), but I could handle all of that. Pictures don't bother me when I look at them, not like I don't know I'm fat. Exercising in public doesn't bother me, because I'm there to do something about the weight. No one ever scoffed at me, or made me feel bad. Even if they did, screw them. Better fat than an a$$hole.
Overall though, dating is the one thing I've always avoided. For the reasons Aclai mentioned... I just don't believe anyone would genuinely be attracted to me. Which I know is not true, people do find love in every size but somehow I can't make myself believe it. Sometimes I feel like the ship has already set sail (26 years old is not old at all), but when you've never ever had a soul even feign slight interest in you... your sorta tell yourself not to get your hopes up. Or in my case, make peace with being alone in case it never happens.
