Best way to deal with weighing more than significant other?
 

Okay this is kind of an odd question, and hopefully I'm asking it in the right area but...how do you deal with your significant other when you're overweight? I'm in the process of losing weight but I weigh MUCH more than he does and I'm really bothered by it. We've been good friends since we were young and started dating a few years back...so he knows everything. My normal look, my injury that kept me on the couch, and my current self of course. I suppose that's good because I know this won't be a bother to him or he'd say something. But as anyone can imagine, it is to me. How can I have confidence when there is such a difference? From just being seen in public together to...well even worse, when we're alone together. Heaven forbid if one day we actually decide to get more intimate...I just am unsure what to do. Even when I'm at my normal weight and when I get back to it i'll be around 149. But he's a really skinny guy (like 130 and a few inches taller) but even then I'll weigh more. I know its won't be so noticeable then and these things don't really matter to me but...its just hard cause the guy should be bigger. Any suggestions? Anything to boost my confidence now or later will help. :?:

I know it's easier said than done, but own it. ;) There are no rules when it comes to who should be bigger or smaller, just some outdated ideals that have little to do with reality. You're right when you say it doesn't really matter!

I had a fun little bet going with my husband that I could buy a favorite pair of boots once I finally weighed less than him, and I had trouble catching up because he started losing too! :p I never took it too seriously though, and he certainly didn't care when my weight finally broke even with his before going back up again (being pregnant). :lol:

Trust me when I say that you notice this kind of thing far more than anyone else does, especially your significant other. :hug: In general we're far more critical of of ourselves than most others, so keep that in mind. :)

My husband is the first guy I dated seriously who weighed more than me, barely. Since he's 8" taller than me at 6'2", he has fewer pound to lose so in that since he's still smaller than I am.

For as long as I can remember, my mother has outweighed my dad (by a lot), so I didn't grow up thinking there was anything wrong with the guy being thinner.

I don't know if this'll help, but I'm guessing your guy isn't blind. He knows what you look like in clothes, and unless he's a virgin who has never seen any women naked, he has a pretty good idea of what you'll look like naked.

Other people's opinions don't matter, but even so, most people aren't going to be shocked or suprised, unless they'be been living under a rock.

Size matters only if you let it.

Ah, I've weighed more than my husband for the entirety of our relationship. One of my "non-scale victories" will be to weigh less than my husband who is 6 inches taller. Oy!

my mom has been significantly bigger than my dad for a very long time, and they still love each other, 25 years down the road of marriage.... my best friend is engaged to ssomeone who is smaller than she is, and they are fully in love (and she's a bit of a bigger girl, like me)... Don't worry too much about it. The best piece of advice I've ever been given is ,fake it til you make it" and that goes for confidence too, if you pretend to be confident, eventually, you'll feel confident for real after pretending for so long! Good luck! We sre all rooting for you!

Yeah I suppose you guys are right. I mean, I know once I get down to normal that will help a ton since nobody seemed to notice before. Its just that guys have also come to expect this because of the media (among other crap) that has painted the highly unrealistic depiction of women. Even in a realistic setting, so much more is expected of women than guys and most of us fall into this so it gets ridiculous. Not to mention things like going to the beach isn't fun either. We're only 19 so both of us are new in that regard...but I'm sure we've both seen the opposite gender...its just a matter of getting over it. After all, he's no Calvin Klein model, so he shouldn't expect a Victoria Secret angel either. :lol:

When we got married, there was no carrying me over the threshold, that was for sure. Something we occasionally laugh about if it comes up. Just go with it if you love each other.

I agree with you that society puts pressure on women to be a certain way that is for many if not most women unrealistic. That's why there is so much body image dysmorphia. Even young girls that look perfect to me hate their bodies or parts of themselves. It's a sad state of affairs.

Back in the day before breast augmentation was easily and readily done, there were women with big breasts that usually had correspondingly big rear ends, curvy. Women without tended to be more lean and shades between. Only the really skinny girls didn't have thighs of size. That was how it was.

Now who knows what's been manufactured or zapped/cut away? Women see all sorts of phony, fake photoshopped BS and feel that they can't compete. Well they can't. We aren't built like that by nature. It's a medical/cosmetic industry made construct. I could go on but I won't

Don't worry about it. Take care of yourself. Get healthy and leave the rest if you can.

Since when is the guy "supposed" to be bigger? I was not aware of this "rule." I am a full 6" taller than my husband, so I guess I'm violating this policy. ;)

My husband weighs 145lb, I can't imagine weighing less than him. It doesn't bother us though.

I know how you feel. When a guy would hit on me that was not as big as me I'd always shut them down. I had the same exact view. Now I realize that if they show they like you, they are seeing past the physical... and that's very special. It sounds like he really loves you, seeing as he's been by your side for so long, and I'm also sure he doesn't care about how much bigger you may be in comparison. Screw what other people may think! It's all about what makes you happy- never EVER waste your time worrying about what other people think.

This is the exact same thing as when a man refuses to acknowledge a woman because she is overweight. It bothers me that women are sad about and complain that men overlook them because of their weight, and yet women will do it to men just as often for weight or height.

It's not because of their weight that I felt that, it was because of my weight that I felt insecure and had thoughts like what KillerBee described in her post. It's not that I'd think, 'Oh he's too skinny I'd never want anything to do with him'. A lot of times it was someone I would of liked to of admitted I liked, too- just always had my mind going a million miles a minute, over thinking every detail.

I've always weighed more than my husband. It's only now that I'm getting close to tipping the scales, and that's partially because he's slowly put on about 10 lbs. I've jokingly thanked him for helping me out - it's not a secret any more that I'm eager for the day that I weigh less than him. :D

Even saying that jokingly a few years ago was unthinkable. I was really not comfortable with the fact that I weighed more than him and so incredibly embarrassed that I'd never, ever mention it. This is one of those areas where "fake it til you make it" seems to help. That + time + having a happy, secure relationship, eventually helped me to get to where I can even talk openly about it in front of my in-laws. Edit - just to be clear, while weighing less is still a goal of mine, I don't really see it as something that really matters - it's more an abstract marker at this point. And I think the mental shift here has actually helped make my weight change possible.

Bodies come in all shapes and sizes. They don't have to "match up right" with the other, so long as all the stuff that matters (personality, values) is a match. Don't try to guess what other people think. Focus on you and yours, instead.

I have always been heavier than all my partners until this year, and let me tell you, they don't even care. They met me heavy, and knew exactly what they were getting themselves into. I will not say all men don't care, but if they liked you when you were chubs they'll like you now too.

I totally hear you and it is something I work on. I tend to like to feel like the guy I am with is bigger than me in some way, shape or form. I joke with my friends that there is a height/thickness curve men must be above. If the guy is like my height, they have to be muscular and/or a bit stocky/chubby. A guy can only be super skinny if they are much taller than me. Now .. this is my "idea" man in a superficial way - in reality, I'd date anyone that was awesome.

But I do struggle with this issue - and I do want ot feel like the guy is "bigger" in some way/shape/or form - and I guess on a superficial level I am most comfortable with them weighing less than me if they are much taller (I know that seems weird). But the reality is, it doesn't matter - and the last guy I was in love with didn't meet any of that criteria and I still loved him and he still loved me. And the sex was great - even though I weighed a LOT more than he did .... so don't sweat it!

My fiance weighs a little more than I do but he's also a little taller, so truth be told we're really about the same size. Whatevs, he still think's I'm hot.

My last boyfriend was tall and lanky, never weighed more than about 170 in his life. I outweighed him for most of our relationship. Whatevs, he still thought I was hot.

Some guys like a heavier girl, believe it or not. My fiance is a chubby chaser who is watching me like a hawk to make sure I don't lose *too much* weight.

When I met my husband I weighed less than him, now I weigh more. He loves me no matter what weight I am. Yes, it's going to be a HUGE milestone for me when I weigh less than him again, but that's because it's something I care about, he couldn't care less as long as I am happy and healthy.

Trust your fella. He knows what he wants, and he wants you.

Theoretically we shouldn't worry about things like a significant other being bigger or even taller, but I totally can relate to your feelings. It really bugged me that I weighed more than my tall, thin dh. When I weighed more than him, I couldn't even bring myself to tell him how much I weighed. When I started losing weight I wrote down LOTS of mini-goals for myself. One of my goals was to be less than my dh. And WooHoo. I made it just a couple weeks ago! Make it a mini-goal. :-)

I would say, leave the media and the hype out of the equation, and take a look at the people around you.

Friends, family, co workers, people you see when you are out shopping or dining or whatever.

I think you will find that the "notion" you have in your head is not the norm.

One couple I know, she is 6' tall, he's 5'4". One other couple, he's a skinny guy, she out weighs him by at least a 100 pounds. Both couples are incredibly happy.

When it comes to long term relationships, there are a lot of things we have to learn to compromise on, deal with and accept.

We married very young. At 20, I had twin boys that were over 6#'s each. No more bikini for me.:dizzy::dizzy:

Later the DH, whacked off a couple of fingers in a freaky work accident.

I look at it like this, when I"m old and decrepit, wrinkled, half senile and riddled with arthritis and he's no better off, is this the guy I want to have coffee with on the deck every morning!:hug:

I realize the OP was a smaller size when she was friends w/ her current beau. But, some men just love big women. Like some women love burly men. Just a preference folks. When I lost weight, my bf gave me the "don't get too thin" warning. Said he doesn't like boney women, he likes curves.

You're doing yourself a disservice if you think a guy is overlooking the physical. Men generally don't bother with women they find unattractive. It's tough to fake attraction too, no matter how sparkling the personality.

No matter what your size, at some point, the man you're with decided you were hot and he wanted that. :)

I'm about 2 inches taller than my husband and I weigh about 140 pounds more. Yes, it's a hard thing to accept and it has made me feel insecure - he just says there's more of me to love. If the man in your life makes any kind of comment on your weight (other than to express health concerns), it's time to have a serious sit-down to think about the kind of man he really is. Weight is only skin-deep (sorry for the cliche) and what really matters is who you are inside. You are your own worst critic, so chances are he sees you in a far better light than you see yourself.

Alright, thanks for all these posts guys. I still can't say I've gotten over it, that will take time and I think getting down to my goal weight will contribute immensely to that. Even more so when I get to my goal weight and things like this will be difficult to notice then. But again, I appreciate all the support on this matter that I now realize is semi-silly (and probably all in my head from the hype of the media), some of those posts really made my day too. :D

You've got a lot of great advice already, I just wanted to add my experience.

When I meet my husband we were teenagers, I was overweight and he was a skinny little guy. I remember thinking how it was too bad he was such a slim guy, because I liked guys with a little more bulk and I didn't like how much bigger than him I was myself. (Superficial as it is, we all have certain things that physically attract us to others).

A few years later he had hit his twenties and started working construction. I had lost some weight and we started dating. I was now smaller than him.

A few years after that I put weight back on (I had lost it in a really unhealthy way) and was bigger than him again.

Now I've lost weight and am smaller than him again. Weighing less than him was one of my unofficial goals.

Throughout our relationship it never mattered to him if I weighed less or more than him. I'm pretty sure I was the only one aware of it. I'm pretty sure its just another form of pressure women put on themselves that doesn't really have any foundation.

See, THIS bothers me too. Why does weight, either high OR low have to figure in to it at all? Men (or women) have no business putting ANY qualifier on another person's weight. Obviously if a person were to develop an ED and had a genuine medical need to be counseled for their safety that is one thing, but otherwise it is NO ONES business what anyone else weighs, not even your spouse/fiance/SO. I wish people would just stop seeing the number on the scale when it comes to the appearance of another human being.

Amen!

One of my first serious boyfriends was 5'10" and about 120 lbs dripping wet. I was about 200 lbs when we lived together. I was always afraid I was going to crush the poor kid, but amazingly enough, never did. And, he had no issues with me clothed or unclothed!

My current fella is also 5'10" - he's known me for 11 years, while I ranged from 175 lbs to 230 lbs...and he fluctuates between 175-185 (depending on beer intake for the week). I think he honestly has no clue how much I weigh, but knows that I think it's too much. I will say last night, we were joking around about me getting down to 128 lbs (what the Atkins book says might be appropriate for my short stature). I asked if he would give me piggybacks everywhere, because I'd be so little and he thought it would be funny...

Really, I guess I'm just trying to say that in my experience, most guys honestly don't care. They're too excited about the prospect of a nakie lady to process how much she weighs.

In a perfect world, race education religion weight height hair/eye color etc would *not* matter. But, people are imperfect and we all have preferences. I've never been in a relationship with an obese man. I find them unattractive. I've *tried* dating significantly overweight men on occasion, had enjoyable conversations and marveled at their sparkling personalities. I can not get past the obesity. I like to see, visually that a man takes care of himself: haircut, exercise, clean fingernails etc.
Weight matters, to me. I think it matters to all of us in some respect, whether aesthetically, medically or otherwise. We're posting here because weight carries weight.

At least weight is something you can affect, change or control. With certain genetic factors, you're just outta luck. We've all been slighted or rejected for one reason or another, weight is just one possible reason on a potentially long list. So, if someone finds me too fat or skinny or tall or religious or whatever.... I Keep It Moving.

I'm about the same as my husband and I'm really concerned about weighing more than him

I've known my husband since I was 14. I was always heavier than him. It didn't bother me until we had kids and my skin didn't bounce back. He still loves me although we both desperately want me to lose weight. For me it's more that I don't like the way my body feels when were intimate. It takes all the focus I have not to be grossed out with myself. He loves me and he wants what is best for me. But I've read this a few times on this forum. He doesn't want me to get too skinny. Lose weight for your self.

When I first got married, I was about 120 lbs. My husband is about nine inches taller than me and, on a good day, weighs around 130. The most he has ever weighed was around 145. I weigh around 190 now, so I'm about 60 lbs heavier.

I have complained about my weight and being larger than him before. He would always tell me that his weight has been as much of a burden for him as mine is for me - only he can't change his weight. He was teased and beaten up as a kid, rejected by women, and berated by his larger father - all because he was thin. I wouldn't change a thing about him, and he loves me at every weight.

To the OP, I know that it's hard to look at your S.O. and not think "I should weigh less than him." But he might be look at you and think, "I should weigh more than her/have bigger muscles/have more hair." Your S.O. probably has his own insecurities. Instead of focusing on what you think you should look like as a couple, focus on supporting each other.

In theory, this sounds great, but in practice where exactly do you draw the line? How many pounds before it becomes enough of a health and safety issue to address? When does overeating or disordered eating become an eating disorder.

My husband and I both have very wide standards for attractiveness. Wider than anyone else I know. There's at least a 250 lb range between the lowest and highest weight we would want for each other, but the limits are still there.

When we started this journey of weight loss, my weight was impacting on our relationship, because I was so disabled by my size that my husband had the burden of working to support us, and taking care of me and all the house chores. The burden no doubt hastened the progression of his joint disease, disabling him quicker than if he had not had to care for me.

We both had and have disordered eating, and lifestyle adjustments we need to be able to make. And there is physical attraction in the mix. Any drastic change in appearance and physical ability can affect physical attraction. I wouldn't want my husband to gain 300 lbs even if it wouldn't impact his health. Just as I wouldn't want him to get extensive tattoos on his face, shave off his eyebrows, or dye his hair purple.

Maybe it shouldn't matter what he does to his body, but it does. Just as it matters to him what modifications I might make.

Physical attractiveness does play a role in relationship, and in a healthy relationship you need to be able to discuss your preferences and comfort zone.

Wow. I exactly agree with Kaplods on this. I almost started to feel like a 'freak' on this board because weight does matter to me with attractiveness. It just does. It as real as gravity or needing water to survive.

Too thin or too overweight just are not attractive to me. My wife is losing weight and yes I am finding her more attractive. I find her attractive now but I would be lying if I wasn't finding her more attractive. Of course she is also getting more fit, and getting more energy, and it is helping all of those. I can't tease out one thing from the mix.

But yes weight matters for attractiveness. No use denying it. At least it does to me and if we are being honest it does for most, not all, but most people.

Yeah, I understand that even if it should not be looked at (and its not that important) the reality is what it is and I'll just have to face that fact. He's been at the gym so I'm assuming he'll build some muscle too and put on a few lbs (he's 132 now). I'm a work in progress with ROTC military training so if I don't get in the best shape from that than nothing will. I am also at a different university now and won't see him until next summer (maybe Christmas if I'm lucky). Either way, I should be around 145 then, 10ish lb difference max. I'll be able to see him after all this time and be like...BAM! Its gonna feel good. :D Thanks again guys.

I agree with those who say that weight/size usually factors into whether or not we find others attractive. I don't like weighing more than guys. I'm not even medically overweight, but I do know some guys who weigh the same or less than I do, and I just feel so big and gross around them. Luckily, my husband outweighs me by a good 40+ lbs.

I also don't like when I'm taller than a man. I don't think I have any men in my acquaintance who are shorter than I am (I'm 5'4) but I don't think I could ever date one who was.

It's shallow, but there it is.

Hm, interesting. I wouldn't say I'm quite to that extreme. I wouldn't have a problem dating someone slightly shorter than me. But I guess if they were like 5'4 or something as a guy I might find it slightly awkward at first...but I'd get used to it. Plus at 5'8.5 imagine how much more difficult it would be to date if you did have that rule. Its just as tough being the exact same height because that makes things even more comparative even if no one verbally says anything (we're like an inch apart) so its hard to draw a fair distinctive line. That's why my goal is to get rid of it altogether. Sad or not, the reality is that the physical will always matter to both genders. That said, it is even more true that personality will always matter more so just go with that. above all else. :yes:

I don't tell my DH the actual number of my weight. I'm tall, and he's still under the illusion I'm closer to 150 than 200! If he found out the truth, that in less than 20 pounds I would "catch up with him", I am afraid that he would be Psychologically Less Attracted.