Speaking from a mother's prospective she is concerned about your health . She may not be aware of what is the best thing for you regarding your health, but I am sure she is only coming out of a spirit of love.
When Mother's have adult children ...they do not turn off their desire to nurture and love their children, if a mother did this kids would be complaining too!
Realize what a hard position as a mother she is in.....and cut her some slack!
Someday your children will be grown ....it is easy for people who do not have adult children to say what they would do....Later when faced with this!!
I believe the least an Adult child can do is show Respect to their parent! And when they are a houseguest ...that is about showing good manners !
I use or try to use the rule think 3 times and speak once!
As far as your wife goes ....she may have been trying to diffuse things! Cut her some slack!
From the outside looking in ,ganging up on an old lady and fighting verbally with a child ....even if you are right ....you will always be perceived as wrong.
I eat differently but I make a habit of not calling attention to it....and even if I am right....if you are a Houseguest I will give you a pass.
Always remember you have children watching....is this how you want them to deal with an uncomfortable situation.
Parents are not perfect .... We don't want people to hold us to that standard ....so give your mom a pass! Apologize for being Kurt... Ask for a do over....and move on! But address it and talk about your struggles with dieting in a grown up way. And give mom this conversation with it just being the two of you .....then move on!
We are blessed to have parents....we never know when things will change.
Ian this could be a pivotal time in your relationship and bring the two of you closer to understanding the others point of view.
You have been doing an Awesome job.... And by showing your mother the confidence in your decision for your weight loss she will learn to accept it more ...if not today...when she sees the results of all your hard work and effort.
Good Luck, family relationships are the most difficult relationships to navigate
Roo2.
I do think an apology is in order. I guess I am lucky because for the most part my mother has always just been the kind to say "This is how I feel about what you are doing but you do what you want" and just leaves it at that. That said, my mother-in-law is usually quite vocal and sometimes a little forceful about her opinions (although she means well). I personally just acknowledge her opinions, nod and smile, and then do what I want. I would sit down with your mom and (calmly and tactfully) try to explain your plan. What it is, why it works for you, and why it is healthy. I'm sure she is just concerned about you, I would try not to take it personally. I think when it comes to weight loss, we all need to learn to be as diplomatic as possible. Which is easier said than done. Also, in the future I would just say "I'm not hungry. I ate such and such earlier and I'm still full."
Also, I don't agree that his wife should have sided with him against his mother. She should be supportive in private, but neutral in front of this mother. Imho getting involved in arguments between your spouse and your in-laws is a bad baaad idea. It puts you in a very tricky situation.
Yay for English accents, I am always speaking to my twiblings in one...my three year old tells me to "Talk regular mom."...pshhh no way.
I feel for you Ian, it can be frustrating when it seems a parent/spouse is more concerned about how you choose to lose weight than the myriad of health concerns involved with weighing 300+ pounds. I skip breakfast many days and my fiance acts like I'm anorexic or something. I eat 1500 calories every day. It probably just seems live starvation because 1500 cals looks quite a bit different than the 3500+ cals I was eating. I hope your mom, wife, and you come to an understanding...Good luck with the birthday party!
Thanks Lecomtes. My mom has admitted that she has never had to diet (she is slim) so that is part of it. Plus I am just too defensive when it comes to justifying myself to family. Wife is still mad. Apparently they just wanted me to have a diet shake or something instead of not eating. But I don't drink diet shakes and I don't really want to start them. Weird, but things are slowly cooling off.
Well....sh*t happens. Sometimes the most diffiuclt part is to get on a same page with your family. But it worth the effort. Well, usually.
The part I find the most important here is the way you reacted. I'm just speaking from my personal experience when I say if an issue is touchy to me (like your IF obviously is to you), it means I have a problem somewhere there. Maybe I'm not sure with myself. Maybe I hurt for whatever reason. Only I know why, and it usually needs working out. Once I have worked it out, I become calm, sure with myself and my decisions, and I'm able to explain them in a way that is both polite and still leaves no place with discussion.
Because honestly, what's to discuss here.
Your mum: "I don't like that he starves himself".
Your wife: "Me neither".
You: "I understand you're worried about me. But I still get enough calories and all nutrition, and this is my way of losing the weight I really need to lose. If I notice any negative effects on my health, I will stop. But for now, it's working and I'm going to be one sexy son/husband when all this weight is off me."
Hopefully, everybody laughs here and goes to bed happily.
I never explain what I am doing. If I am skipping something I just say is because "I don't feel good" or "it gives me heartburn at night"... They usually leave me alone.
Thanks Lecomtes. My mom has admitted that she has never had to diet (she is slim) so that is part of it. Plus I am just too defensive when it comes to justifying myself to family. Wife is still mad. Apparently they just wanted me to have a diet shake or something instead of not eating. But I don't drink diet shakes and I don't really want to start them. Weird, but things are slowly cooling off.
Lesson to learn here too is to PLAN BETTER - all of you. Talk about where you will eat. When. etc. I can see that if it came as a surprise that you weren't eating, they might be like, "WTF, you agreed to come with us but didn't eat?" "Why not wait to eat?" Or, When could you eat so that you could join us?" etc.
That you all didn't appear to have discussed the plan before getting there is just an invitation for bad things to happen - wife, kids, mother, etc.
I did give them a heads-up before they came that I was on a diet and would not be eating with them or eating something different. My mom seemed supportive initially. I just think it was a bit of a shock to see it in practice.
I have analysed my reaction a little bit more. Part of it is that my mom does get on at me sometimes for a lot of decisions I have made that have turned out to be perfectly sensible. So there was a bit of a reaction to that i.e. here we go again.
But the main reason was that they were eating Chinese food. I love Chinese food and was doing well to ignore the fact they were eating it but still conscious that they were and that I would have liked some too! So my reaction came a little bit from trying hard not to want the food and from what was actually said i.e. that I was starving myself.
I am also very sensitive to the fact that the few times I have tried to diet in the past, it has been comments from people close to me that have thrown me off e.g. the "you look gaunt" type of comment has wrecked me in the past: I binged following that one. So I know what can trip me up and am a bit knee-jerk as a result.
Hope it makes sense. Things seem a little calmer now.
It makes lot of sense what you're saying and I can see how the comments made you overreact.
Hope the rest of your mother's stay is calm and enjoyable for all of you. BTW how was the birthday party today? My twins are going to be 2 in June...already making big party plans (including healthy food)!
Thanks. The birthday party was great. My twins have just turned 2 as well! You should have come.
We hired a place with bouncy inflatable toys which all the kids could jump around on. There was also a party room where everyone went afterwards to eat something (pizza, fruit, juice, vegetables, cake). We started at 10am and the whole thing was done by 12 noon.
We chose to hire somewhere off site to have less to clear up. We also kept the whole thing child-focused. I have been to kids' birthday parties recently which are just adult parties with kids coming along and they suck as essentially you end up having to follow the kids around all the time to make sure they do not hurt themsleves or break something.
The other good thing is that we started early and finished at a set time so everyone still got a Saturday afternoon.
HA! I should come next time. It's been way too long since I've been to UK!
Your party sounds really great and well thought! So very reasonable to keep everything focused at kids! I would like our party to be the same way, only it's going to be our garden + front yard...but, I have wonderful firends who will come over, enjoy the party, sleep over and help me clean everything afterwards, so it should be good. And if it's not, I'll burn some lovely calories cleaning the house and trying to put everything there it was before
Sounds like the party was so fun!! And hiring it out if you can is always worth the cash!!
I'm glad things are calmer now. I guess the part I feel worst about for you is that this is happening in YOUR house! You are the king of your castle and you get to make the rules!! (Well, your wife does too but you know what I mean. )
My husband took his parents side against me once in front of them. After a long talk, it never happened again. That doesn't mean he and I never disagreed again, I just can't handle him ever against me in front of them!! (This was a major matter, not something trivial.) He and I can be opposites in opinion about anything, just not in front of certain people. And...his parents are ones who think his son is perfect about everything so nothing could ever be a normal opinion on their part. If he said the sky was red, they'd both see the red too! I pick and choose my battles but seriously, in our house, I will never ever be made to feel bad or that I made the wrong choice, esp. by any of our parents, anymore. We are adults and we can literally do whatever we want without their knowledge and/or opinion!
Sorry, got a little worked up there about my own situation!! Just wanted you to know you aren't alone and I feel bad you even had to deal with this. And you have a couple of weeks left with company. I hope it's better from here!
