Being fat and men treating you as invisible..
 

Has anyone else found that men treat you like you are either invisible or some hideous abomination when you are fat, especially when you are single?.

This is one thing I can't wait to NOT have to deal with when I get this weight off, as it is quite depressing!.

It's very very weird that when I got to be just around 200 lbs, some men started noticing me. Some are flirty, some even ask me out! I can't wear my wedding ring because it's too big now... so sad... not really ;)

It just shows your those men's true colours if they are only judging you from the outside, not from that is on the inside :)

There is an awful lot around like that though! Actually most are sadly.

It makes me wonder when I lose this weight if I should do a 'how do you feel about fat people' questionaire, for prospective dates to weed out the really superficial men.

Oh it would be interesting to see the comments you get back!

It is awful how people are, but thats what the majority of people are like now days.

I think sometimes it's not so much your weight as your overall appearance and attitude. When I was heavier, I dressed like a homeless bag lady and had this aura of depressed & fughly that surrounded me like a storm cloud. Of course people want to ignore that! Now that I've lost some weight, I'm wearing nicer clothing and portray more confidence and energy. And people (women AND men) seem more friendly, polite, etc.

I don't really agree. For me I put on the weight very quickly due to medication. So I went from skinny and really attractive and getting a lot of male attention to being huge and becoming as I described above - invisible. I was dressing the same and my attitude didn't change. Even now I dress really well and wear makeup everyday.

I don't have a problem with this when it comes to dating, etc. I might not like it - but men are programmed to look out for waist-hip ratio and fitness for procreation. Women, too look out for fitness in potential mates.

What I can't stand is that invisibility factor when it comes to professional situations.

But there definitely is something as well about presenting yourself with confidence.

I do not think it has anything to do with mens true colors when noticing smaller women vs bigger women. I know I notice men far more often if they are between 180-220. Any bigger/lower than that (average height being 6'0) I tend not to notice them as its only natural. It's not because I am some shallow person, its just what I am programmed to find attractive. Just like I am far more likely to notice a dark haired man compared to a blonde haired man.

When people are meeting for the first time in a dating sense, not a professional way, it is all about physical attraction. You start with the physical attraction and develop the personal attraction later. It's just how it routinely works. You don't go to the person you personally find the ugliest in the room and spend 2 hours getting to know them for the sack of their "inner beauty might be better". You naturally go towards someone you find physically attractive.

As said though, it a professional setting, its horrible to not notice anyone just because they are big/small/ugly. That type of "radar" should be turned off in a professional setting.

It's the same issue for fat guys and women and, yes, even in professional situations too.

I am plus size and very over weight and I dress very trendy, very fashionable, always have my hair done, wear the appropriate accessories, etc...and yes - men do treat me differently. Once upon a time men would run down a block and across the street to meet me and say hello and ask me out on a date. Men would whistle so much that it was annoying to me. So yes, men do treat me differently. Unless I'm friends with their wife - men pretty much ignore me and don't talk to me.

Oh yes. I have definitely noticed a change. It's funny, I used to complain about the cat calls, stares, and pervy strangers who wanted my number and or hugs and or kisses.*sigh* That is no more. While some of the actions were a bit much, (and kinda creepy) I have only had ONE man hit on me in the past year. ONE. I am officially invisible. I miss my curves. I miss the J-Lo/Kim Kardashian thing I had going on. I am kinda ashamed to say miss the attention... I am however engaged, but I totally understand.

It sucks, but it's biological programming for the most part. I certainly didn't find my last boyfriend because he liked what he saw when he walked by, and I'm the butt of the joke with the classy 20 somethings that populate the steam room at my pool. Fact of life.

BUT: There is some truth to the fact that when some of us gain weight, we stop putting in the physical and mental effort to make ourselves attractive. I was guilty of this. Not only did I dress like a slob, I didn't engage people, didn't use body language that welcomed conversation, etc. I was closed off.

I've NEVER gotten random male attention. Never been hit on in a bar, etc. But, I've been big since I was legal and I'm also 6 feet tall.

I am in no way slim and trim yet but the way I am treated now whether in public or from some people I know is 100x different (I'd say better but not sure that's the right word) with 100+lbs weightloss.

It's like I am more worthy of a human being now in their eyes and it makes me sad. Maybe I notice it more now as there have been several threads on 3FC about this in the past.

I will say though...married or not....I can't wait for the first guy who outright flirts with me (even innocently) so I can run home and tell my husband!! He might get jealous for a second but my flashy newly sized diamond will be sparkling in that guy's face. I just want someone to think I am attractive now, is that too selfish?

I make it a point to talk and be friendly to everyone but especially heavier people now. It's not patronizing or condescending in the least and never weight related. You just never know when a few simple words might make or break someone's whole day and I want to be the positive in their life!

I'm not attracted to men who weigh 400 pounds. I was not attracted to them when I weighed 300 and I'm not attracted to them at my current 145. That does not mean that an attraction couldn't grow based on familiarity, but they're not catching my eye in the grocery store.

It's pretty much just biology; it's not a moral weakness, it doesn't make anybody a bad person. You either get a pit of the stomach feeling about somebody or you do not. Evolution has programmed people to look for signs of health and fertility and the obese don't exactly radiate either one.

A lack of physical attraction is not, however, an excuse for being rude or dismissive. You don't have to want to date somebody to be polite.

Yeah there are two levels to this issue. There is the lack of flirting/hitting on attention. That is to be expected.

But even absent than that - I do think people treat fat people differently. On OKCUPID there is even a question that says "Do fat people annoy you" and some peopel write YES. This is not a question like "Would you date someone overweight" which I think is a reasonable question. This is a question that has nothing to do with attraction and who you want to date but is simply "do they annoy you". I would never date someone who wrote yes to that question thick or thin.

My therapist lost over 100lbs and she has noticed that she is treated much differently as a thin person. For instance, at the grocery store, people will offer to help her pull a shopping cart out, but when she was obese, and actualyl needed help sometimes, no one would ever offer.

Well let me be the first to open up about my observation at work.

I work in a large city with a diverse population.


I have seen women on a regular basis have tons of Male attention. .....and the guys were not phased by the size of these ladies. Flirting is a major pass time these guys participate around me .

Another thing they are not phased by the job title that the person has either.

So someone in housekeeping maybe whiffing someone in a higher position.

Constantly see security flirting with the secretaries ,one of secretaries who probably is minimum 350lbs and men are drawn to her like Bees to Honey!!
She has a very outgoing personality and Very funny!


So it maybe a cultural thing about what beauty and Hot is! Just saying
Roo2:carrot::carrot::carrot:

Sadly, I have noticed that, too. It's almost like a lot of people tend to let their idea of "perfection" choose who to get to know. In the long run, they miss out on giving someone they'd normally like a chance. I notice that if I were ever out with friends at a bar, even when I was at a decent weight, the men seemed to keep all eyes on the straight-figured, very thin girls that look borderline-anorexic. I have a wide structure, so curvy even when thin. I used to think it was all in my head about this, after seeing the average man with/married to women that are curvy or plus size, but then after getting to know some these people, I learn that when they first started dating, they were pretty thin. Makes me wonder, these men that aparently love them, how many would've passed them by if they weren't thin when they met . . .? Not all men are like that, but I did start noticing that some. It does make me wonder about a good 50% of society, though.

It's nuts. But the coping strategies big people have to adopt to get round these issues are rewarding. For those that don't get depressed and hit too bad on the self-esteem by the whole deal, bigger people are without a doubt funnier, more charming and emotionally in-touch. They also know the best restaurants (I have never had a dull night out with a big person). The real class act fat guys even dress well and have such a smooth manner and confidence that it's impossible not to like them (dare I say feel attracted to them) on some level. They have a je ne sais quoi which I have never been able to pin down, but you know the types I mean.

So for singles with these tricks up their sleeve, weight loss is going to lead to a tsunami of attention.

I didn't much experience this, even at my higher weights, but I'm an awfully outgoing person and somewhat hard to ignore :). The ones who didn't treat me with respect or give me the time of day weren't anyone I cared to waste energy on, anyway! In that sense, obesity was an amazing dating tool. It culled the pool of applicants and left behind the guys who were actually looking for a person and commitment, not just a fling.

Well, I might as well throw my two cents in, too.

I agree with Novus and Robin41.

I've only lost 10lb but my whole attitude about myself has changed. I take more time getting ready in the morning. I wear outfits, not clothes. My friends have even noticed how much better I'm dressing. I carry my head higher, I smile more, I look people in the eye. I have noticed more glances and polite smiles from men, but they're not rushing over to get my number, which is fine.

But, yes, the percentage of male attention will be greater towards someone who is fit, it's just a fact. My BF is very fit, and I find it very attractive. I dated guys who weren't active in any way, shape, or form...and I didn't like it one bit. I may be overweight, but I'm not inactive as some might guess, because of my weight.

As a few have said, I think it's not just men towards women, but it goes the other way as well!

It's cultural, and it's also biological. I don't think the fact that a person doesn't find another person attractive ever makes them a jerk.

It's a whole different topic if we're talking about someone being insulting or rude or discriminatory.

I'm married, but very unhappily so. Can't wait til I'm free, but in the mean time, I do keep one eye open. PreciousMissy - I'm with you. I totally draw the line at inactive. I don't mind a bit of heft to a man... well into the overweight category, but he has to enjoy exercise of some form and getting out there and moving around.

(Long story, keep your judgement to yourself until you've walked in my shoes.)

When I was in college, and overweight, I would be in a bar with one of my thin, pretty friends, and guys would come over and talk to them, but completely ignore me. Not that I expected them to flirt, but at least acknowledge that I was there. It was hurtful.

Yes - this is hurtful. They don't have to flirt but they can at least be nice human beings who acknowledge your existance and are polite to you.

Exact opposite for me.

When I weighed around 200 lbs., the very last thing I was wishing for was more male attention. And it was usually good looking, fit men. But now? I still get some offers...from FAT MEN.

I have to rely more on personality now, if I ever decide to attract a beefcake. Well, actually, I just take what I want so it's not a big issue or anything. :D

Losing Weight: Do it for health and better clothing options. Don't do it for the dudes, because if you live in the Heartland of America, you may be sorely disappointed.

Not sure why but this cracked me up!!! :rofl:

I know I replied to this, but I was ruminating on the subject while grocery shopping, and remembering some of the feelings I've had about it.

To the original poster:Remember that even if you're not the first girl they notice, make sure you're WORTH noticing. I don't mean overcompensate, but don't go into any situation with the mindset "No one will notice me/men hate me" etc. Fake it if you have to, but always walk into the room like you belong, like you're confident, feel sexy and you are desirable. That gets more attention than ANYTHING.

I've only lost a little amount of weight but I can tell that guys do treat me differently. But I think it has more to do with my confidence level and the way I present myself better. But actually it's never been a problem for me. Guys have always noticed me whether I want them to or not. I honestly don't liked being stared at or hit on and I know it has a lot to do with the fact that I feel disgusting in my own skin so I can't ever understand WHY they would think I'm attractive enough to talk to, but it happens all the time. I'm hoping to have less attention once I get smaller. It's so assbackwards I know. LOL...I just really...don't know, but it will probably change as I get smaller whether or not I'd actually still want the attention.

But again I honestly think that it has to do with the way you carry yourself more often then not. Not everybody is skinny and not everyone is a model and yet a lot of people are in a relationship.

I do find it funny though that certain guys who don't carry themselves well or that are overweight really look down on overweight women and yet expect to find a super model girlfriend. And it's funny that a lot of super attractive girls are attracted to not so attractive guys. I mean, I guess the same can go for anyone, it's your personal preference and what you like but not all guys are like that.

Love this! And I do think that people do tend to exude their internal feelings more than we realize. If we feel confident vs frumpy - I do think men can sense that.

I didnt find this at all. Even at my heaviest I had too much male and female attention ! too much like literally..too much lol. Men are more agressive now in their approach but I think thats probably cause I'm a size 10/11 and they are generally not as worried that I can kick their arse like I could at 335lbs lol But you know its your attitude if you go through life thinking im soooo ugly then other ppl arent gonna wanna be around you. Also some ppl are attracted to certain physical traits and others arent and some dont have a preference. I do not like overly big men myself, I love a bit of pudge not gonna lie a bit of pudge makes men cuddly and soft and warm XD but im talking men that are maybe 20-40lbs over the normal not like 300+ men, it just does nothing for me, I also do not go for overly muscular men or overly stereotypically feminine men, its nothing personal, its my sexual attraction and everyone has their own, for women I dont have a preference as long as she isnt OMG IM SO FAT all the time. You can't make someone be attracted to your physical type if they just arent, its nothing mean about them its just how they were made.

You are right. I have always gotten that compliment, I thought it was some line seeing as I was obese. Well I'm still getting it. Getting asked out more than I know how to say no. Never expected I'd have that problem!

I think its unfair to say smaller women get all the attention. Most of the smaller women I know are always single they just can't find a boyfriend/girlfriend. You can't just wait around to be noticed either or walk around with the attitude of 'skinny girls this, skinny girls that'. Many of my guy friends and fellow bi women have straight up left larger women for having that attitude cause its a huge downer and turn off. Think about it you meet this awesome chick you take her out to dinner and then shes like oh man thanks for asking me out no one ever asks me out cause im sooo fat and they usually go for those skinny bi*ches' who totally have an eating disorder-- ive honestly been on the receiving side of that convo, no second date lol.

Cherry,

I seem to recall responding to a thread that you started a few weeks ago in which you talked about the attitudes of the people where you live with respect to weight. As I recall, they did not think you were fat at your highest weight, and were giving you grief about losing weight, saying that you didn't need to. Given that, it seems only natural that you wouldn't experience the same sort of stigma that so many other obese people experience.

Yes this is true, a part of what a person feels attracted to is cultural. Men here generally do not care about weight for dating

Like Kevin James or Seth Rogen? LOL

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9uBvoYLvYE

(Warning: The foregoing clip is NSFW, may be offensive and is not suitable to all audiences, but will be funny to people who like the madcap stylings of Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd.)

I've noticed a difference in how I'm treated by men and women alike since my weight has gone down, but like others I really think it happens to correspond more to confidence then a number on the scale.

Most people, especially in social situations, aren't hunting for someone whose spirits need lifting/someone who needs reassurance about their value. Usually we are looking to have a good time and engage with others we find fun and energetic. Lets face it, a lot of the times being overweight comes along with a slew of self-image issues that often prevent you from being the best version of yourself.

I always admired my female friends who were overweight but possessed the social skills and confidence I lacked. Now that I'm married with a child and a whole real adult life I no longer worry about a lot of the shallow thoughts that use to bog me down and I realize that it's how comfortable you are being you (regardless of your weight) that tends to attract others socially.

And of course there is always the biological attraction to individuals who appear healthy and fit.

HAHAHAHA........nice post.....i don't need to be fat to be invisible to men. I have an accessory that scares the **** out of them the moment they lay their eyes on it. It is permanently hanging at end of my right hand and it is 4 years old with long ponytails!......One look at that and i am immediately deleted from the woman category and thrown into the 'breeder' one.........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Equally impressive is that when i go out without my daughter or my step daughter, they do look at me......and voila the kids make their appearance and the guy that was looking at me with such fervor suddenly is interested in the weather phenomena.....You girl can loose the weight and get your admirers back.....i can't loose the kids :p

Great to hear everyone's view on this. I don't have self esteem issues nor do I exude a frumpy attitude! - it just makes me angry. And this is in all situations as well including professional - the lack of eye contact when they are talking to you and feeling like telling the person to grow up. It's just infuriating not to mention immature and it crosses the line into being a bigot.

re:
 

You better believe I've noticed this, from both men and women. I've noticed this with strangers and people I've known at work for over 15 years.

While I agree it may be the case for some people that they've become more outgoing, whatever, it's certainly not the cause for me.