How Do You Handle Diet Saboteurs?
 

I have started back to healthy eating and weight loss after several failed attempts. I'm finally having success and finally feeling motivated to stay with it this time. Now that my problem is no longer my self, however, I seem to be surrounded by people who would sabotage my diet.

Please don't get me wrong- these friends I am referring to are very sweet are not attempting to deliberately sabotage my efforts. What they do, though, is to constantly offer foods I cannot eat (I'm trying to eat only healthful foods right now with only occasional indulgences). We are friends with a lot of other couples, and go out or grill once or twice a week with different ones of them. Here are the issues:

Couple A will want to go out to eat, but is very connected to the food scene in our city and is always excited to take us somewhere new. Needless to say, there is never anything on the menu even remotely healthful. If there is a salad or a light sandwich, they'll make a huge deal out of why you're not trying the foods the restaurant is known for and instead getting ones you could get anywhere. This couple needs to lose weight, but that is not a goal for them and so they don't think anyone should care about fatty foods.

Couple B: We usually grill with them, and you'd think this would be more healthful. When they choose the meat, they always choose fatty things like brats. When we choose the meat (and I can go with chicken or something), they'll bring a dessert, wine, and side dishes, and when you politely decline, they are offended (not mad, but seemingly hurt). They are rail-thin, have never had a weight problem in their lives, and cannot understand why you are not eating everything.

Couple C: When we have them to our house, I can control what I eat. However, when we are at their house, there will inevitably be nothing healthful to eat.

It might look like I'm being really picky and you might wonder why I can't just eat small portions of food that might not be the most healthful. Indeed, this is what many of our friends say when I have to turn something down. The problem, though, is while they might just see me once or twice a month, and so therefore indulging with them is infrequent, when all your friends are telling you this and it adds up to a couple of times a week, "just this once" means you are straying from your goals much of the time. I also understand that I can eat "unhealthful" foods and still stay within my WW points, but I got really unhealthy for a while and am trying to correct some problems my body was having (ulcers, fatty liver, etc). I really need to stay away from bad foods until I'm stronger.

Does anyone else face the same situations? How do you stay your course (at least most of the time)without hurting people's feelings? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Completely understand where you're coming from. I cannot have chocolate as I'm mildly allergic to them, but I'm constantly being offered chocolate at work by my coworkers. I'm always having to remind them that I cannot eat it. Yep, and then an awkward pause always follows. Even when we have a "food day" at the office, everybody is bringing in something really fattening and chocolately. It's enough to drive you to the brink.

I hate to say it, but folks in general are just not that supportive when it doesn't directly concern them. So you really have to focus on yourself and actually be a little selfish about it. That's the only way you're going to be able to do this journey around your friends.

It does sound like though, that you're letting your friends dictate where you're going for the night. Why not change it up and go to a place that's insanely healthy? Also, instead of going out to eat, why not change it to where you're doing activities with each other? Like hiking, walking the dogs, going to a museum, etc. That way you're getting your exercise in without having to worry about offending anybody.

At the end of the day, just try to focus on what you know you need to do, and stay firm. If they don't like it, they don't have to keep inviting you out to dinner....

I never tell anybody when I am a diet, I just let them think I am a picky. I say things, "I just feel like a salad today' or "I'm just not hungry" or "I had a late lunch", " Brats make me break out" any excuse will do.

It sounds like you have a great social circle, and you're very lucky. My first question would be if they know you're trying to lose weight. If not, be honest with them. Then you can tell them that you have a friend (that would be moi!) who spent a lifetime eating whatever she wanted and now is to a stage where she's having heart issues, is on a lot of medications, has arthritis in her knees and hips, and even though she's trying to turn things around, a lot of the damage has been done and is not reversible. You're trying to avoid that. And you hope that because they are such dear friends they will understand and help you.

I also like the suggestion to try doing other things with these friends that aren't so centered around eating. Even if they don't want to do physical type things there are movies and concerts and plays and museums and and and.

Finally, I had a girl friend once (different city) who had enough confidence in herself that she didn't seem to really care if I thought she was losing out by not trying some obscenely decadent dessert or an extra glass of wine or the sauce covered dinner special. She was always polite about it, but just would order whatever she wanted to eat and if I didn't like it that was my problem. I thought she was losing out then. Now I realize she was the one of us who had her act together.

Good luck with this.

I've been working on getting to place in my thinking and that is that the only one who can truly sabotage my diet is me... I've have a plan that I'm happy with and a way of eating that I can live with and I do my best to make it fit into my life when I'm socializing with friends and family... But yes, there are a lot of times when there are foods that just don't fit into it... I just do my best to be polite and say "No Thank You"... and yes I know how some people will just not let it drop and keep insisting that you try whatever it is... but I'm just not going to let people "guilt" me into eating something that I don't want to anymore... and as far as hurt feelings go... I think for most part that people's feelings aren't "truly" hurt in these situations really... so I wouldn't worry about that all that much... and after a while I've found that most people actually start to become more accommodating to how you're eating and it works out for the best...

If there is one thing the 20+ plus weight loss plan subforums has taught me here, is that everyone has their own idea of what "diet sabatoge" is, so it is unrealistic for us to expect others to understand what "OUR" idea of sabatoge is. To some, a 90 calorie piece of whole wheat toast may be sabatoge (low carb), or to others, a diet pop (chemicals).

The only advice I really have is, if you can't say no to it out of fear of offending them, you can tell them the truth- you have some medical issues that require a diet change. And then after that, "it's personal".

Thanks for all the good advice! It's great to have a social circle, but yet I do need to put myself first on my diet. If I'm going to lose the weight, I need to be able to politely keep refusing the pushers. I'm also going to have to be to plan for "emergencies." For instance, we were going to grill tonight with friends. Grilled chicken - yay! No one would care if I turned down fatty sides and the dessert. Now, though, it's raining and they've invited us to their place, where they're serving weiner schnitzel (deep-fat fried in oil and butter), potato salad, chocolate lava cake, and "we bought champagne just for you!!" Argh. Have to figure this one out, ha ha. ;D

Thanks for all of your support and good ideas!

Because the above happens a lot, I may have to stretch the truth a little a tell people that my doctor has put me on a very strict diet. My doc definitely told me to eat healthfully, so it's not really untrue. ;)

Tell them you are on medications and it severely restricts what you can eat.

This works especially well for alcohol ;)

I would simply call the police.

Honestly, you just need to deal with it and eat smaller portions of the bad food or pick the healthy food at the restaurants.

I really became more successful on weight loss when I stopped expecting people to cater to me and just worked around the other people. You really need to learn this early in your weight loss process and not after you have lost all your weight. The reason most people gain all the weight back is because they did not develop tools on how to deal with these things. Because I promise you, once you reach your goal weight people will want to celebrate your weight loss with FOOD! And they stop catering to you at all in any way.

Give yourself good habits now so that they stay with you past reaching your goal weight!

Time to get new, healthy friends who live life in a way that you would like to emulate, and dispose of the saboteurs. If you have access to a gym, that's a great place to meet new people, if you're the sociable type (and it sounds like you are).

To be perfectly honest, this is just one of many reasons why I'm a loner. I just can't deal with that kind of crap. LOL People pleasing isn't in my nature; I'd throw a pie at their head, or something. :D

Love that! :D

I would stick with "doctor's advice" and order what you need. When going to other's house, bring a large beautiful salad thatn others can enjoy too if they choose to do so. Be firm thast it's a health issue, and then say it' personal as others have suggested. You have to make yourself number 1.

We've all been to dinners, etc. where there are "picky" eaters. The dinner won't be ruined by you eating healthy. Try to keep it simple -- no thanks, doctor's orders, and move on. Don't be bullied or guilt ridden. :D

New friends? That is taking the easy way out and cruel to your friends who mean you no harm.

What if you have a dinner with your boss? Are you going to dictate the menu? What if it's a charity dinner are you going to? Are you expecting the charity to change the menu for you?

I really hope you don't think I am being harsh but the world will not change for you just like you shouldn't change for the world. Be strong and do what you need to do be healthy but don't expect your friends to change their lives for you at every turn.

That being said, I would confront the couple who are giving you a hard time about what you order at the restaurant. Seriously, it's your meal, your paying for it she should leave well enough alone.

Well, not only this ^ but sometimes we slip up (okay, has anyone done this and NOT fallen back at one time or another???) and can you imagine if the healthy friends "dumped" us because we were off the wagon? Brutal...

Long term success is about learning to live in this world with it rather than shutting the world out.

I've had "long term success" for a while now. I only weighed 230 lbs, and with the exception of about 20lbs, have manged to keep it off for over 3 years.

You might say following my own advice worked well for me. But haters gonna hate! :carrot:

Nobody is a hater here, but I think for the majority of people, friendships are not disposible due to being on a diet.

I hope you didn't think I was being a hater. But for me I just can't give up my friends because they don't cater to me. I certainly don't cater to my vegan friends completely. I mean I always pick a restaurant where there are vegan options but I pretty much won't go to a purely vegan restaurant because there is nothing there to eat for my higher protein diet and I try to avoid bread.

It's a compromise and sometimes I do eat things that don't go along with my diet but I do follow the 90/10 rule. Meaning I understand that about 10% of the time following my diet will be impossible because of outside factors. I don't freak out about it, I just eat what's a available and don't use it as an excuse to fall off the wagon completely.

Honestly, I just politely decline and move on. If they are hurt about it, that is their problem. It's not rude to say "No thank you" or "I'm just craving this salad".. or even "I'm watching what I'm eating". When most people hear that, they move on, start a new conversation topic and carry on with the evening.

Agreed. In my experience, a lot of this getting more healthy stuff is taking responsibility for yourself and keeping yourself on track - whatever that means to you. So if your friends invite you to a fatty 'wurst' dinner, and they know that you don't eat that way, or constantly ignore your needs, then decline the invitation. Or say you'll drop by after dinner for coffee, or whatever.

This is serious, your wanting to get more healthy. And every time you make the right decision for yourself you get one step closer to reaching your goal. And yes, see if you can get into some circles where the people have more healthful habits, because with the friends you describe you'll get no support.

If you are going to a restaurant and your friends will be choosing the site, ask in advance what the restaurant will be. Then go online and check their menu, so you know what you will be ordering in advance. Maybe they'll have nutrition information. Or go on Yelp and Urbanspoon and check for photos--that'll give you an idea of what the portion size is.

If they ask why you want to know, just say that your doctor is telling you that you have to cut sale intake or you want to know what would be appropriate attire.

NEVER say you're on a diet. It's such a downer.

Although I'm not disputing the navigating and negotiating we sometimes have to do in order to stick to our diets/health plans, etc.,
a lot of this sounds like being concerned about what will happen if we flat out say that we don't want to eat salt/sugar/fat any more. It's like we (and I include myself here, at times) have to 'hide' behind doctor's orders or some other external excuse, for fear of not being accepted by our 'friends'.

Kinda sounds like what kids go through dealing with peer pressure.

I mean, if you want to eat something off-plan, then eat it because you want it. But if you don't want it, then own not wanting it.

Depends on where I am in my plan. Sometimes, that's easier said than done. One of the things I've learned from The Thin Commandments is that it's not just a matter of calories; it's also a matter of my history with a food.

When I'm in the "sweet spot" of low-carb, and fairly protected from cravings and hunger, I might be able to "eat it because I want it." But if "it" is something that I have a history of binging on (like warm bread in a bread basket, or cheese dip and crackers), then I need to pass even if I want it.

I have to look at my history with a food. If it's something I have successfully eaten "only a little bit" of in the past, then I may eat some even if it's not strictly on-plan. If I have a history with it, though, I have to limit it in some way (eat it only at restaurants, or once a year at holidays), or avoid it altogether.

For instance, Easter baskets... I bought candy I don't particularly like (cookies and cream eggs, Peeps) for the most part. But I planned to have some jelly beans and a chocolate peanut butter egg. I still haven't had any, though, because my "bargain" with myself is to eat only 15 grams of carbs from candy a day, and it can't make my carbs go over my daily limit (50). So I'll be able to eat my candy, but only by making other sacrifices in my calories/carb choices to fit them in.

And I made sure NOT to buy the malted milk eggs or coconut cream eggs, which I used to sit and eat by the bagful. They are an invitation to disaster!

So getting back to peer pressure... It can be fairly easy to "just say no" when you have a plan in place that deals with the specific foods that are being pushed. And a simple "No, thanks" should be enough.

For instance, my SIL offered me a Japanese chocolate yesterday. It was a fancy chocolate, and she was proud to be able to offer them. But I looked at it, and thought about it, and realized it probably wasn't anything I hadn't had before. And I knew I was already over the top for both calories and carbs that day (it was after Easter dinner). So I smiled and said, "No, thanks". She offered again, and I declined again, and then we changed the subject. No issues, no upset, no defensiveness... just polite.

Adults take charge of their own food and food preferences. It's just a matter of practice to feel comfortable getting out of the child-like habits of eating anything that is offered so you don't offend anyone, and politely declining what is not on-plan for you.

^^lol


Why not bring something you can eat? It is unacceptable to bring a side dish? Tell them you wanted to share a new recipe with them, something like that.

Maybe you could tell them you have a medical issue so you are careful of what you eat.


If it were me, I would tell them I am not hungry or that food is going to upset my stomach. I have stomach problems and can no longer just eat any old thing. I have ulcers. I had my gallbladder out & I have to be very selective on what I put in my mouth or it makes me physically ill. If I ate some deep fried greasy meat thing, I would be in horrible pain later. I am selective about what I eat. I have to lose weight if I want my heart to behave like it should. If I want to see my children have children, losing weight is NOT an option. The people who care about me know this. Nobody gives me any grief over it.

I am sure your friends want you there for your company. I am sure they want to spend time with you. I am sure they care about you. I wouldn't say it's a diet (like you are losing a few vanity pounds). I would say it is a medical issue (wanting to be healthier) and people who love you or care about you should want you to be healthy.

This exactly.

My friends and I all have different dietary needs/likes/wants, but it doesn't make a difference in the end. When we go out together, we all want to enjoy each others company and conversation. It has zero to do with what option someone else chooses at a restaurant.

Also, the more you choose what fits your plan, the less you will feel awkward about it. People always react to change. After a while, your friends will just accept it as "the way she eats" and not think twice about what you're eating.

:lol:

Yes, well said.

ITA.


One of the things I struggled with towards the beginning of my weight loss, and even now, is the attention or ridicule (depending on who it is) I receive when I don't eat what people think I should eat. I think we all know we can't expect people to change for us, but it does get difficult when you feel like you're constantly in the spotlight for what you eat. It can make you feel self conscious that's for sure. I've had people I don't know well at all give me an incredibly hard time for skipping cake, or not trying their "famous" dip, or whatever. They have to get the heck over it. One friend of a friend gave me such a hard time at a party over not eating her cookies I finally said "Look, it's not a personal attack, I've struggle with obesity for years and I'm not eating those cookies. I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings, but I'm not going to eat something to make another person feel better when it'll make me feel bad".

Love it; I bet that made her stop in her tracks!

I'm definitely not trying to be mean to my friends, but at almost 300 pounds (and I'm not tall), my doctor told me I must get my blood pressure down and must cut fatty foods until my liver returns to normal (which will take a few months). My ulcers also make me absolutely miserable when I eat crappy foods. I absolutely do not expect my friends to change in the least - they should eat what they want when they want.

I think some of you may assume I am being so strict I will never eat anything "bad." What I'm trying to avoid, rather, is eating poorly several times a week, when my health is suffering tremendously from it. I realize I cannot dictate every situation, nor do I wish to do so (and I don't expect people around me to change), I was just asking for strategies to, really, help others manage their feelings when I cannot eat the 5000 calories they place in front of me every time I see them.

Thank you to those of you who understood, and for all who gave advice!

This is when your true friends and those that care about you come out, but unfortunately so do the drama queens (nicer than haters). I have an overweight family and since I was slim my entire life, they like that I am heavy now. Just little comments and that may have been one of my big motivators. This isn't me. I'd rather be criticized for being too small. That feels much better to me. For my friends, they are only going to be excited for me. The drama queens will make comments just to stir the pot. I am very well trained at ignoring the negative. My weight loss is going to gradual just like the weight gain, but it is coming off and I'm eating real food. I just make better choices at restaurants and at events. I may have 2 shakes the next day since I can control what I consume.

Hang in there and keep focused on the goal.

Thanks, bbrides. :) Keep at it - we'll get there!

When you are entertaining or if you are at a restaurant of your choice, you have the option of making healthy choices, so it seems that the problem lies in when your friends cook or choose the restaurant. Maybe when they call you to invite you, you can tell them that you'd love to get together with them but the fatty foods seem to make you feel sick so you'd prefer to go somewhere that has some healthy choices. Surely if they are truly your friends, they will not be offended because you want to be healthy.

I used to go with "I'm morbidly obese and I'd rather not be dead".

Friends are not disposable and they don't have to cater to us when we're on a diet. However, friendships mean being respectful and caring about what is good for the other person, as well, and that needs to be remembered. Morbidly obese people can't just make small changes and expect to lose 150+ pounds; it's a huge commitment and sometimes it requires sitting down with people and having an honest conversation. I don't see the point of making up allergies or what you're craving or not craving today, just have an honest conversation. If they really are your friends and not just people who like to eat, then they'll understand. If they don't, then it is time to change your social circle to remove those who hold you back.

There are also a lot of activities that don't revolve around food. Expand your horizons and search some out. Every time you see people shouldn't have to be about what you're going to eat.

I am going through this right now myself. Most of these people mean no harm. Eating is a social, bonding experience for some so they see saying no as unwillingness to be social and/or bond with them. I tried explaining that I am no longer eating unhealthy food. I tried having a little bit just to satisfy them. I had to learn to just say no and let the chips fall where they may. I indulge if I want to but most of the time I pass. I say no firmly; no explanations, no excuses. I'm done explaining and bending the truth. I'm also done feeling bad about my choices. I look at it this way: Disappointed long term because I am falling short of my goal of losing weight and being healthy vs. them being mildly offended/perplexed for a few minutes. :chin: Better to have them disappointed than me.

Do what is best for you. Your friends will understand and if they don't... remember this is about you not about them. Hope this helps :hug: