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-   -   When your mother has body dysmorphia (https://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/weight-loss-support/267554-when-your-mother-has-body-dysmorphia.html)

LucyOlivia 10-05-2012 09:24 AM

When your mother has body dysmorphia
Today my mother said to me: "You must weigh 14 stone and significantly into the obese category." But I am nowhere near this. And she was saying I had legs (lower legs) like tree trunks and that I was going to get a massive apron of loose skin when I lost weight! This is ridiculous, I am actually twelve stone and I am going to lose weight at (hopefully) a pound a week and it is only two stone I have to lose. I can't believe she would say these things. It is making me feel stressed and unhappy. Has anyone else had a similar experience? My younger sister has also been affected and she diets even though she is seven stone. What can I do to ignore my mother? She used to say I was fat even when I was nine stone. My measurements are 41-32-44 which is not good but surely it is not as bad as my mother says.

geoblewis 10-05-2012 10:37 AM

I am so glad to hear how you clearly see that her vision of you is completely inaccurate. Wow! Your mother is a piece of work! Yes, she has body issues, and somehow, what you and your sister look like really affects her.

How old is she? Has she vocalized that she's felt like this about herself?

Do you and your sister still live at home? This can also be a stage of life that she's just not prepared to deal with, you growing up and moving on as an adult. And the things she says, no matter what the issue is with her, have absolutely nothing to do with you. NOT ONE THING!

When you come to accept that her anxieties are her own and not your problems, you might be able to hear her say what she says and it won't have any meaning for you. You might say something like, "Mum, I understand that this is one of your fears. It just isn't one of mine." I hope you have someone in your life that is telling you that you're doing a great job. I hope you believe it when you tell yourself that same thing!

You're doing fabulously! And you're going to be fine!

LucyOlivia 10-05-2012 11:17 AM

Thank you so much Georgia, that is lovely (and sounds very accurate). She is mid 50s and a year ago she lost five stone in six months by eating a can of tuna a day(!) She was left with lots of loose skin (from losing it so fast) and it's like she wants me to be the same as her as she was obese, 14 stone and left with lots of loose skin. I am at home but I am looking for jobs as I have just finished my degree and my sister has just gone to university so maybe what you say is true about this transition being difficult for her to deal with.

She said if she could have her time again and choose what children she had then she would not have daughters. She can never stand when we do things like get boyfriends or be skinnier than her. Probably a female jealousy thing unfortunately. My boyfriend's mother has a very healthy attitude to weight loss so she is at least one good role model!

LockItUp 10-05-2012 11:19 AM

I'm very sorry your mom is like that. My best advice is to get out as soon as humanly possible. Good luck to you!!!

bargoo 10-05-2012 11:26 AM

Also, remember your mother has had full term pregnancies that does not do your skin any favors. As hard as it is turn a deaf ear to what she says, she is wrong !

Wheresmychin 10-05-2012 12:04 PM

My mothers words still cut like a knife and I am in my late 30's.

I heard a saying the other day that reminds me of her. "She has the emotional depth of a paddling pool".
Well done for seeing it for what it is, but I feel your pain, it does still hurt.

Good for you on your progress and perseverance.

healthyangie 10-05-2012 12:20 PM

Sounds like your mom is just very insecure ... to be on the "nice" side, maybe she doesn't want you to have to deal with the issues she obviously struggles with.
I can still remember my Mom telling me that if I "sucked in my stomach" it would stay that way - I was 8 and going through the chubby stage (but not at all fat!!). My Mom is a very tiny sicilian woman and at 70 still does look great but has always been very concious of her looks and figure. I grew out of the chubbies and have been very lean up until I had my son around 11 years ago, then I struggled to stay in proper shape. Seems like we can never make them happy - too heavy, too thin, lose weight - but then you get saggy stuff. Really I think she's just trying to live through you. Make the decision it's your life, mind and body - and not hers. Tell her lovingly that you appreciate her concern (which I'm sure it's what it really is) but that you need to take this path on your own and do it your way. Good luck! Not sure if you have children, but as a Mom, I NEVER want my child to struggle with anything so it's hard to hit the balance between obsessive and positive guidance. Honestly, I realize that sometimes it's actually good for a person to struggle at some point as it teaches them coping mechanisms and makes them learn to solve their own problems ...

Sorry - I went on a little about that. It just hit home, from both sides of the story :)

LucyOlivia 10-05-2012 12:56 PM

Thank you guys- I love this forum! Everyone is so supportive! Yeah gotta stay mentally strong I guess but it sure is good to be able to rant on here about issues!

linasalvador 10-05-2012 07:40 PM

My mothers words still cut like a knife.
remember your mother has had full term pregnancies that does not do your skin any favors.

cherrypie 10-05-2012 07:45 PM

When I was 14 I starved myself down to about 115 pounds. I estimate I was eating about 800 calories a day. My mother told me I'd look good if I lost 5 more pounds. More than 30 years later that still bothers me.

LucyOlivia 10-06-2012 06:26 AM

Well you should be proud of the ten pounds you have lost cherrypie! Anyone who loses any weight even if it is a pound is to be commended!

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