So what do I say ? She *has* gained some weight since she's been in college. I think she's still in a normal range, but maybe at the top - maybe a little over the top. She used to weigh about 135 at 5'5", now she's probably near or over 150. She's got a bit of a belly. She eats like a horse when she's home. I don't buy many sweets because those of us who live here full time don't need or want them, but she wants them when she's here. I'll buy a few, but not many.
I did buy her the healthy college cookbook that Apostrophe recommended on the other thread and will give it to her this weekend.
She thinks working out will fix her issue.
I have made it a point for the last 20 years to never say anything about either of my daughers apperance. Especially when they were younger and forming their body image feelings. They both played sports - rec and school. My younger one called me out on this by saying "other moms care about what their girls wear out of the house, you don't care if we have makeup on or are in sweats !" - go figure, seems like a mom can't win on any front.
I do tell them when they look nice. But geez.
So I've read so many posts here complaining about parents / relatives making comments or trying to help overweight children / young adults, I really don't know is there a good way to handle such a thing.
She's built like me and will have problems in the future if she doesn't take control soon. I encourage her to take a PE class each semester and she has, she also took a "nutrition and weight control" class last year, but it didn't seem to sink in.
I've been using MFP and think I will show her that this weekend as well. Any other suggestions ?
When I was in college a few years ago, I was at 206 at 5'7. Now, that is an obvious weight problem.
But I can speak from experience that it can really hurt your feelings when your mom comments on weight. Recently when I saw my moon, she poked the flab on back, and I am not even over weight now.
But your daughter sounds like she might be a little heavy. Or at least feeling that way.
My advice would be to be honest. Mention that if she would like to lose weight then you'll support her and your there if she needs help. Tell her that you don't think she is fat, but that you did notice she has gained a few pounds. It sounds cruel maybe, but it is the kind of kindness and help I'd have liked to hear. She obviously feels like it is a problem or at least a concern of hers. Just offer help and understanding.
My mother is 5'4" and 110lbs soaking wet. She has always been that way. And when she gains two pounds she rants and raves about how fat she is getting. I'm 5'8" and struggled with my weight every day of my life. We had a conversation a couple of weeks ago about me wanting to find alternative ways to exercise other than the gym, I mentioned about how I'd like to get down to about 155. She laughed. And said that is how much she weighed in at at the hospital the day my 10lb baby brother was born. I could have slapped her if I didnt love her so much.
Here's the thing. Tell your daughter she is beautiful. Whether she is 135lbs, 150lbs, or 250lbs+ She is beautiful, inside and out. All you want for her is for her to be comfortable with who she is and the skin she is in. If she is not comfortable with her body, than she is the only person that can motivate herself to change that. And if she is motivated to lose some weight- you are there to support her 100% of the way. If not, that is okay. She will when she is ready. Pressure or comments from other people could make her struggle even more difficult.
College is hard! I was 5'4 and 150s by senior year and I knew I was overweight but didn't want to admit it.
Working out is certainly a good habit to have but sweets-loading won't balance it out. Does she want HELP or does she just want you to lend an ear and reassure her? I remember being very sensitive to anyone noticing I'd gained weight in college, and would take it as almost a personal offense if someone noticed - I was 131 when I moved in freshman year, and 155ish when I graduated.
Perhaps the best thing you can do is continue your own healthy lifestyle. It's a real kick in the pants when you weigh more than your mom - I know my mom's weight loss (155-->130) when I was in college made me aware of my weight and want to care about it.
I'm somewhat on the fence with this one... I'm 22... so I imagine I'm somewhere around your daughters age and I'm also probably exactly where you don't want your daughter to be. Although I'm not "over weight" I'm definitely not comfortable with where I am, physically anyways.
My mom is very much the opposite of you though, she was always quite strict with my sister and my appearance - we did dance competitively though and I think she felt we had to "look good" no matter what "stage" we were on. I quit when I was nine and my sister quit a couple years ago before going to University. By the time I was 13 I had gained about 50 pounds... although I was quite tall for my age (5'6"... and a half, hehe) that extra 35 pounds on my body was a drastic change, and unfortunately I noticed it before my mom paid any attention to it. I say unfortunately, but in all honesty I don't know how I would have felt if she had said I needed to be watching what I ate... but I know now, it would have put me in a lot better place today.
Anyways, long story short, although your daughter may not be very "impressed" with you bringing up her weight now, in ten years or so, I think she will appreciate it. But I would definitely stay away from the words "fat" and "overweight" and such (as I'm sure you know). You've started living a healthy lifestyle, maybe, you should enourage her to join you, "to motivate you"... it might actually be quite fun... go for walks, bike rides, the gym, whatever you do - I know I would love if my mom would do these things with me (my mom has weight issues as well, but doesn't believe she has much of a reason to change that :/)
Oh, my sister had also gained about 20 pounds since quitting dance - my mom was the first one to say something and she has lost about half of that weight in the last five weeks or so.
Does she have access to healthy foods? Her diet is most important. She can work out but if she is eating junk, it won't help.
I am not sure how you can approach it with her though. My mother has never had a weight problem and she has no tact when it came to my weight. She was brutal. And it hurt. A lot.
Let me add - I never say anything NEGATIVE about their apperance, unless they're trying to wear very inappropriate clothes. And then it's the clothes not them. BlondBombShell I hear you about skinny moms. Mine is about 110 and I think she may have weighed 125 when I was born. Strangely enough she never said anything about my weight (I was always chubby), but did when my previously skinny sister did gain weight.
This is a tough thing to think about. As a mom, you want to help and fix things, but as a woman, you know that weight can cause so many bad feelings.
Luckily, she does talk to me about things that bother her so hopefully we can continue the conversation. And yes Krampus she will not be very happy if I weigh less than her.
I'd say encourage and support anything she expresses the need for in that area. I certainly would not think bringing up anything in regards to her losing weight would be good at all. It's not as though she's morbidly obese and you are worried about her health. If she asks for help or advice, give it; if not I wouldn't say anything at all!
As a college student myself (soon to be done, omg!) I'd suggest helping her look into health initiatives on her campus. Many campuses offer free nutrition counseling, free gym use and other healthy programs she could take advantage of (my campus gives scenic walking path maps and has a "points" program which rewards healthy living with prizes). Perhaps her campus has a peer health program (students talking and coaching other students)
Living on campus is tough, often we miss home cooking and don't really know how to control what we eat or make good choices.
I agree with other posters that you did a very clever thing by not instilling any negative "fat talk" in your children growing up, my mother was the opposite and put me on my first diet when I was 7, it's screwed up my head space to this day. So good job being a responsible parent.
My oldest daughter has always been heavy. I always tried to provide healthy meals and keep the junk to a minimum, but at some point it was really out of my control. She was happy, very social, and very confident so I tried not to worry too much. This past Christmas she came home from college and shared that she really wanted to lose weight. She and one of her roommates had just started calorie counting and she had a realistic plan in place.
This opened the door for lots of conversations about good choices, menu ideas, learning to do this in a way that you could actually live with it and not feel deprived, etc. Perhaps next time your daughter says "I'm fat" you can start the conversation asking what you can do do help her not feel that way. Is she just whining or is she looking for help figuring out a plan to change it? If it's B, how would she like you to support her efforts?
D21 and I use Pinterest to share new recipe ideas, I prep salad greens and grill chicken for salads on grocery night and buy lots of grab and go veggies, yogurt and things to be sure there are easy, OP options available. Ultimately it's her choice whether or not to take advantage, but she seems very grateful we're in this together.
I'd love to introduce her to 3FC for another level of support, but I think she'd be a little freaked out knowing I could come across her posts and there's a limit to what I want to know as well
Ouch hunny. As a mom, that must have broke your heart.
I was in the same position as her at that age (same size too!) and what helped me was finding a physical activity that I loved (for me, it was powerlifting). As time went on, I learned to eat better for my sport, kept working out, had goals, and things went from there. I always hated & failed gym, but because I didn't want to do what I didn't want to do.
Since she seems open to sports & rec, how about exploring more possibilities with her ... sports she didn't think about. Running, triathlons, weight lifting.
Look, she's in college and she's your daughter. Start talking to her like she's an adult person. Tell her what you say here.
"Hey, daughter. You are telling me you are fat. Is this just a vent? Are you needing some kind of support from me? What can I do for you here? Just be a listener? Something else?
Because as children I have made it a point for the last 20 years to never say anything about either of my kids looks. Especially when they were younger and first forming their body image feelings. What kind of support do you need from me now that you are adult and in charge of your own health and well being? "
So my daughter says "I'm Fat !"
