Why do we think we need to aim for perfection?
 

I wonder about this time to time. I've probably alluded to it a few times on my blog, but it's been awhile and my memory is short, so I forget if I've fully expounded on this topic, but it's been on my mind recently.

And I'm saying this especially for those who were morbidly obese and obese. We weren't just a little overweight. We were 80, 100, 150 pounds overweight and more.

So, why do we aim for perfection? Why do we aim for being very fit or ideal weight? Why don't we just get satisified with a heck of a lot closer to ideal, but maybe still somewhat overweight? It's not like that huge progress isn't also a big success and more importantly, great for our health.

I wonder how many people just quit, like completely quit because they can't get to their ideal weight and so, get frustrated, throw in the towel and just feel destined to being morbidly obese and regain.

I struggle with it myself. I want to so desperately to be under 25% body fat and to be slender (for my body build). But is that necessary in any way? Really?

It's an all or nothing attitude and that rarely is good.

Just my thoughts.

I've struggled with that in the past. I weigh about 185, in my 20's I weighed 140. So for a long time I thought "I've got to lose 45 pounds." But at age 40, that's probably not realistic. So I've decided that 5 pounds will be great, 10 will be great, 15 - fabulous, 20 - amazing, 25 - stupendous. Etc.

No more thinking that some distant goal is the only thing that matters. Each small step will be success.

That's what tripped my mom up big time. WW wouldnt let her go to maintenance until her BMI was normal. About 10-12 lbs higher she got stuck and really just got to the point she didnt even WANT to lose more because it was making her look older. But since they kept telling her she HAD to she got really frustrated and gave up completely and ended up back up 100 lbs.

I honestly feel at this point that it is a personal satisfaction with me.
To know that I *can* do it. I know it's hard and it's been extremely hard, but if I keep pushing and reach my "original" goal of 135, I'll be down 85lb.

I guess I'm just looking to please myself and to prove myself wrong.

I am struggling with this issue. I can't say why losing "some" weight and getting healthier isn't enough. I don't know why I need to reach that magic number, but I suppose I view it as a personal challenge that I want to achieve. I don't want to settle for simply not being obese. Don't get me wrong, when I shifted from the obese BMI range to an overweight BMI range I did the happy dance! However, that milestone motivated me to realize I could eventually shift from being overweight to being at a healthy weight. I don't want to accept mediocrity, but that isn't quite the same as not accepting anything but perfection.

I think for me, I want to be the best I can be for myself. Even though I could be comfortable where I am now, and be a lot happier than I was before, I know that I can achieve even more success and feel even better than I do right now. Even though I technically have an ideal "number/weight" that I would like to achieve, I think it's more important for me to reach the place where I am healthy and happy.

There is also the vanity side of me that wants to reach that "ideal weight" because there are lots of different clothes that I would like to wear that don't necessarily look as good on my current figure.

I don't know if that made any sense at all...but I want to prove to myself (and to some extent, others) that I CAN do this, that I'm not going to be "the fat girl" or "the chubby girl" in my group of friends for the rest of my life.

It is SO common, one of those ways we are our own worst enemies. Defining failure as anything that isn't perfect compliance, perfect results, perfect progressions without any dips or valleys.

Very destructive, very common, and challenging to overcome. It can definitely be done, but even those of us not particularly susceptible to the perfection doctrine can fall into it if we're not careful.

I want to look a certain way. Maybe not how others want to look for themselves. But I have an image of what I want to look like, and I know IT'S IN THERE. I just have to unlock the sexy beast within. I know I will always have cellulite, stretch marks, and spider veins (unless I get laser again -God help me how that hurts!!!!), and I am ok with that. But to see myself the way I know I can be, fit and muscular, is something I aspire to achieve, the same way I am working on a college degree (finally). I want to be able to run, play volleyball on the beach, row my kayak for hours, and lift weights to feel strong. I am always told how intelligent and thoughtful I am. I guess I just want to be really fit, too. For myself. And for really great-fitting clothes (Ican't lie about that!). But I guess if I don't reach my ideal, I will be pretty darned happy with getting close.

I wouldn't consider myself a failure if I stopped now and didn't lose another lb... as long as I didn't gain either ;).

For me... it's more about attaining something I've never had. I was always the chubby one. I want to be something else. I want to redefine me. It's no so much perfection that I'm aiming for... but the ability to prove to myself that I can be the fit one, the strong one... just something else. Not the chubby one. I do sometimes worry about what it'll take for me to be there. Will I at some point stop comparing myself to other people? I don't know. I really hope so, though.

My mom takes medication for type 2 diabetes. Recently, she signed on to hospital programs to help her learn more about nutrition and lifestyle changes. She is over 65 and shared with me that she wished she had gotten more serious about being in the healthy weight range years ago.

That really inspired me to get serious after having our son. My default weight has been 15-20 pounds over the top of my healthy range, I never really minded it. When I gained weight, I just wanted to get back to that, but I really believe that being in the healthy range may help me either avoid or be able to manage many ailments my family face now because of their weight.

I think we've been taught both directly and indirectly that when it comes to weight loss, anything less than perfection is failure.

And that's the real problem, not the aim for perfection, but the conviction that anything less is failure - and not just failure, but total failure. We're taught that weight loss and appearance is either perfect or it's of no value whatsoever, so we believe that if we can't be perfect (in not only our weight, but virtually all aspects of beauty, healthful eating and exercise) then we might as well give up completely (at least we'll get to eat what we want and don't have to make time in our life for shopping, tracking, exercising...).

We decide that if we're going to fail small, we might as well fail big.

We choose not to see the success, because we're taught that the small and gradual changes aren't any better than no changes at all - oh we may say differently, but often we really don't believe it.

And it's terribly sad, because when you see small, gradual, and imperfect progress as valuable (in and of itself, not just as means to the goal of perfection) then you aren't tempted to quit, because partial success IS seen as far, far better than backsliding.

And the real secret to weight loss success is preventing the backsliding, everything else moves us closer to our goal, no matter how far the goal is away (and whether or not it's something we'll ever acheive, or just continue to move toward).

Originally Posted by daniprice:
My mom takes medication for type 2 diabetes. Recently, she signed on to hospital programs to help her learn more about nutrition and lifestyle changes. She is over 65 and shared with me that she wished she had gotten more serious about being in the healthy weight range years ago.

That really inspired me to get serious after having our son. My default weight has been 15-20 pounds over the top of my healthy range, I never really minded it. When I gained weight, I just wanted to get back to that, but I really believe that being in the healthy range may help me either avoid or be able to manage many ailments my family face now because of their weight.

But that's different. That's if you can get to a good weight. What if you just can't. What if it means realllllly heavy exercise and very restrictive eating to be at an "ideal" weight. Wouldn't it be better to be 10 pounds overweight than 90? Some people lose that sense of reality - they see overweight as overweight without keeping proper perspective that a bit overweight is less hard on your health than a lot overweight.

Originally Posted by ennay:
That's what tripped my mom up big time. WW wouldnt let her go to maintenance until her BMI was normal. About 10-12 lbs higher she got stuck and really just got to the point she didnt even WANT to lose more because it was making her look older. But since they kept telling her she HAD to she got really frustrated and gave up completely and ended up back up 100 lbs.

When I lost weight last time I sort of did WW. I used some of their tools, but even then I calorie counted and didn't use points. I was very frustrated with their weight they wanted me to get to. I think it was 150 max or something like that.

When you are large built, 150 is "possible" but it's very difficult to get to. If I were a petite build, with thin bones, the 150 would give me a nice cushion. I don't have a 'cushion". While WW was saying 150. My doctor was saying 155-160. Who's right?

I guess we'll see as I get closer to that weight. As it is already, my legs sink like a lead balloon in the swimming pool. I can't get my legs to float in the water no matter how hard I try!

Originally Posted by kaplods:
I think we've been taught both directly and indirectly that when it comes to weight loss, anything less than perfection is failure.

And that's the real problem, not the aim for perfection, but the conviction that anything less is failure - and not just failure, but total failure. We're taught that weight loss and appearance is either perfect or it's of no value whatsoever, so we believe that if we can't be perfect (in not only our weight, but virtually all aspects of beauty, healthful eating and exercise) then we might as well give up completely (at least we'll get to eat what we want and don't have to make time in our life for shopping, tracking, exercising...).

We decide that if we're going to fail small, we might as well fail big.

We choose not to see the success, because we're taught that the small and gradual changes aren't any better than no changes at all - oh we may say differently, but often we really don't believe it.

And it's terribly sad, because when you see small, gradual, and imperfect progress as valuable (in and of itself, not just as means to the goal of perfection) then you aren't tempted to quit, because partial success IS seen as far, far better than backsliding.

And the real secret to weight loss success is preventing the backsliding, everything else moves us closer to our goal, no matter how far the goal is away (and whether or not it's something we'll ever acheive, or just continue to move toward).

See, that's just it Kaplods. While you are still heavy at 289, we BOTH know that your loss of 105 pound was a HUGE benefit to your health - HUGE (and congrats on the recent 100 pounds loss reached!!!) While you might not be perfect and I might not be perfect - our hearts and liver and kidneys are thanking us for doing what we HAVE done (and hope to continue to do).

Originally Posted by berryblondeboys:
See, that's just it Kaplods. While you are still heavy at 289, we BOTH know that your loss of 105 pound was a HUGE benefit to your health - HUGE (and congrats on the recent 100 pounds loss reached!!!) While you might not be perfect and I might not be perfect - our hearts and liver and kidneys are thanking us for doing what we HAVE done (and hope to continue to do).

I agree, but even when we "know better," humans are social creatures who tend to do what we see everyone else doing, using the same reasoning we see everyone else using (whether it's good for us or not and whether we believe the reasoning to be true or not).

It takes a lot more courage and effort to unlearn habits that put us in the position of swimming upstream. It's very difficult, even when we know better to step outside the stereotypes, especially when we have so few rolemodels for doing so.

It's easier to be a nonconformists if you have a whole bunch of other people doing it with you (a standard to conform to, even if it's not the mainstream one).

Most of us don't kill our neighbors, not because it's wrong or because it's illegal, but because we've never seriously considered it - because it is extremely deviant behavior. We don't do it, because it's "just not done."

Likewise, those of us who speed, text message, talk on the phone and even drink and drive - despite the fact that those things can be dangerous, wrong and illegal, do so, often because in our culture or particular subculture it is "normal" and we've seen we see so many people doing it.

There are habits, traditions, and norms that become pervasive, even though we know it's "wrong" or in our best interest to do things differently, just because it's the way that "everybody" does it.

We overspend, get into debt... and countless other things we know we really shouldn't do, but it "feels normal" because it is... and it can be very difficult to be extraordinary (which is what it takes to lose weight successfully) because our very desire to be normal (or what we see as normal), which makes us more susceptible to normal behavior - and when it comes to weight loss, failure is normal. The weight loss rollercoaster is normal, and to succeed you really have to become deviant and to do so, you often have to unlearn more than you have to learn.

It's taken me almost 40 years to really understand how far from normal I would have to be (and be ok with being) in order to succeed. I had to almost do the exact opposite of what I was taught to do when it comes to weight loss.

I had to learn to see partial failure as the partial success it really is... but it's been a hard road. There are people in my life (and occasionally even complete strangers) who are willing and even very happy to tell me that I'm failing completely, because I'm not following the normal rituals.