Friend thought I was pregnant - now my brain won't shut off
 

Yesterday I saw a friend I hadn't seen for six months. He misheard me in a very understandable way; at one point I said, "The best thing about [my sister-in-law's name] being pregnant is..." and he heard me say, "The best thing about my, uh, being pregnant is..."

It's an understandable mix-up, even though I'd said earlier that my SIL was pregnant and I was really excited about it. So why has it thrown me for such a mental tailspin?

He quickly said something along the lines of "Wow, I didn't want to say anything, but I suspected! / That explains so much!" in response to mis-hearing me -- and that's what has burrowed deeply into my brain and already morphed into a torturous feedback loop. It's a "Why would he think that? [Attempt rationalization]" loop that won't stop. I weigh less than when he saw me last, though I wouldn't expect it to be noticeable - overall, I'm pretty close to the size he's known me as for years. I'm also pear, not apple shaped; my figure doesn't really have a suggestive 'bump' to it. Or does it? Do I look much worse than I think I do? Here I've been feeling good about my progress... -- I could write out much more here, both of the self-doubts and the rationalizations for why he 'suspected,' but you get the point.

It was just a stupid/innocent misunderstanding -- but my brain has really gone into overdrive and I'm having trouble stopping it. I don't feel grievously wounded, but obviously I'm hurt / feeling defensive, even as I know it's not that big a deal. In other words, I'm aware the problem is me (how I'm reacting), not what happened. I'm at a loss for why this is affecting me so deeply, but I want to change the thought loop and move on.

Anyone have any advice or thoughts on changing your mental map for something like this? Right now I'm just perpetuating the hurt/insecurity I feel by fixating on his comment, but I'm not having a lot of success in getting my brain to change the subject. I used to have more problems with fixating on negative events, but I've always struggled with changing my thought patterns.

This happened to me yesterday. A lady at my gym asked me if I was pregnant. I said no. She then said "Oh, your face looks bigger but maybe it is from sweating." I'm not letting it bother me because I know that I am dedicated to losing the weight. You are too and just tell yourself the next time you see him, you will be thinner and he will make a comment about that as well as others.
Let losing weight be your main focus and forget about a comment from someone you don't see very often.

I'm dying to learn what you replied to him and what happened next. I think I offended a friend once years ago I flew out to visit her when she was really pregnant, and she was all confused saying "well? Don't you notice something?" and I could not guess what she was referring to. It turns out that she had the baby early and kept this as a surprise. I totally wouldn't have guessed that.

Eliza - you're very right, of course, and I would say the same to anyone else who wrote what I did... but I'm having such a hard time actually moving on! I recognize this is within my power to control, though, and I'm motivated to stop feeling so badly about myself.

HappyHoliday - haha, that is pretty funny! I was just so taken aback by the "I suspected" element that I had a flustered "What? No, no, my [SIL] is..." followed by a rapid subject change, later changing back to it, etc. I think he was pretty embarrassed and I tried to act nonchalant. We were wandering a shop, and my husband was within earshot - a minute later saying, "Did he really say that?" within audible range of my friend. I think my husband was more just flabbergasted than trying to call him out, but who knows. This friend used to be quite clear that he'd be romantically interested in me if I weren't spoken for, and my husband is aware. They're friendly, but who knows how that plays into things. :dizzy:

"Explains so much"? How many things led him to that conclusion? Did you ask? I would have if only to teach him that you never ever assume pregnancy.

I had a cashier ask me when my baby was due once and then for the next two years continue to ask how my baby was doing because she "remembered" that i had been "pregnant" despite me saying no, not pregnant, never been pregnant each time. The last time she actually ARGUED with me. "NO! I REMEMBER you were pregnant. " No, you remember you were an idiot.

But my favorite was when I did get pregnant and went to buy some maternity clothes, my husband suggested that I should hold off until I asked a mutual friend if I could borrow hers - I got pregnant a few months after she delivered. I was about 150 lbs when I got pregnant. She was about 300. But sure, one size fits all I guess (my actual response was "exactly how much do you think I am going to gain?").

However, This is the same husband who every Xmas buys me plus size clothing because he cant remember that "Women's" means plus size and 1X is the smallest size in the womens dept. And sometimes he remembers that I never wear a small so he buys me 2X because if 1X is small then 2X must be medium. Which isnt really relevant except to say, people are just stupid sometimes and their mouths and their brains are not always connected.

I hope that guy felt like the idiot that he is. I never assume a woman is pregnant unless I see her being wheeled out of the delivery room with a baby.

Sometimes guys mouths start moving before their brain kicks in. You said he admitted to having a bit of an attraction to you in the past, so maybe what he thought he heard you say triggered a nervous blurting out of something--anything--to fill the awkward void of silence. That statement might not have been referencing weight at all, but some other subtle mood/eating/behavior change he thought he saw, and attributed it to pregnancy.

I've had this happen a few times and it is hard to brush off. Don't let it have power over you because you know that you can change your weight and be healthier :) The state that many of us are in is temporary.

I agree with gardendiva - he could have meant eating different or a "glow" or looking at children differently, or any sort of made up symptoms, especially since he's known you at that weight for years.

And then the awkwardness when he realized the way you interpreted what he said...no way to gracefully backpedal out of it.

I'd use it as motivation. Negative emotion can be very motivational!

I used negative motivation for months when I got started and still use it occasionally today.

@John: I hope I didn't offend when I said the thing about guy's mouths moving before their brain kicked in...I should have put a disclaimer in there about present company being excluded. No offense meant against all men, I am only speaking from my own experience. ;-)

Or maybe it was a compliment! People in their first trimester often lose weight.. so maybe that 'explained a lot' to him about why you're looking slimmer and even more ravishing! ;)

Don't let it bug you - I'm sure you look fabulous and not pregnant at all at your weight. :hug:

heh...I changed mine from "men are just stupid sometimes" to "people" self censored.

Mostly because I was on an anti men kick earlier today so I realized I might not be fair - freaking THREE of my friends have caught their dh's in affairs in the last month.