Unsolicited Advice
 

I know there was a thread similar to this recently, but I think it's worth revisiting as a just had a one happen to me.

I've made no secret of my new journey, I link to my blog on facebook whenever I write a new post. I absolutely don't mind comments, questions, or conversations about.

I got a message on fb today from an acquaintance. I don't even know if you could call her that, she is the wife of a long time friend. I've met her in person twice, and we've chatted on fb from time to time. I absolutely know her intentions were good, helpful, and well meaning! So don't get me wrong, I know she didn't mean to be, well, insulting.

The message says she thinks I should do low carb, then proceeds to tell me what a carb is, what foods contain carbs, how carbs work in your body. Seriously like she was talking to a 4 year old!

Now, I AM WAY over weight, out of shape etc. But many years ago I was very close to getting a degree in nutrition, I was a personal trainer, and I was in pretty good shape. I'm certainly no expert, but i definitely grasp the basics! She knows all these things as we have talked about them the few times we've met! It's like she assumed because I am overweight that I know NOTHING about nutrition or how things work regarding losing weight.

I thanked her for her words of encouragement and advice. I know she only meant well, but :rolleyes:

You handled it very well. I might have been tempted to make a sarcastic reply.

I agree with bargoo. You handled it better than I would have for sure. I would have turned it around and started educating her lol. This has nothing to do with weight loss but I have guys talk to me like that about computers all the time. My minor in college is information management which is building databases...i know a thing or two about computers! lol

A while back a relative a bit younger and lighter than me was told by her doctor that she was pre-diabetic and needed to watch her diet. So all of the sudden she started giving me all these diet tips that we've all heard a million times, spelled out to me as if I were a kindergartener. "Don't eat too much sugar." "Read the ingredients." "Watch your portions." Stuff like that.

I took it with a grain of salt; I figured part of her reasoning was more of a self-reminder than anything else. She didn't last a month on her own tips and is back to her old ways.

Originally Posted by LockItUp:
The message says she thinks I should do low carb, then proceeds to tell me what a carb is, what foods contain carbs, how carbs work in your body. Seriously like she was talking to a 4 year old!

You were very gracious and restrained. I would have sent her a bunch of links demonstrating that you can lose weight just as easily on a high-carb diet as on a low-carb one.

F.

You handled it better than I would have. My reply would have probably been, "No Duh." Do people even still say that? LOL.

The problem with written media like FB or email is that you don't have the opportunity to stop someone and let them know you're "up to speed," so to speak, so we tend to go on too long to make a point sometimes. And there is always the problem of not hearing the inflection or tone of their voice. I'd reply with a heartfelt "Thanks - I have a well researched approach that is healthy and is working for me. I appreciate your concern." That way, further advice might be headed off before it's sent.

Lin

You did well - I always take advice, no matter how 'duh', with the most graciousness I can muster. People's intentions are usually pure, even of the information is crap and the delivery is worse.

Now, when I know somebody is intentionally being a jerk or really need a reality check, that's a bit different and I handle it accordingly, but otherwise, a smile or 'thanks for the tips, I'm doing really well with this and appreciate you cheering me on!' goes a long way to making their day and diffusing any possible tension.

i'm guilty of doing the lecturing thing, especially if it's something new to me.

a big part of is it i'm not telling the other person so much as i'm telling myself - the more often i say it, the more it gets reinforced *for me*. as they say, the best way to learn something is to teach it.

a second thing is that on facebook, here, and other such public forums, you have to consider other ppl who will be reading it, not just the ostensible recipient. if i wanted to have a private one-on-one, i'd've taken it to PM or a phone call. putting the basics out there up front forestalls the inevitable 15 noobie-q's. it's also for ppl who might be wondering but are too shy or nervous to ask what they think might be a stupid question.

and finally, regardless of size, you can't presume to know how much or how little the other person knows. if i KNOW my bff is well-versed, i'd cut it short or preface it with "as you know, carbs and protein are 4 cal/gr while fat is 9 but what i was just reading here says that yadda yadda yadda".

She really is a sweet person, I think that's why I didn't reply snotily (hmmm is that a word?). Coming from a different person I may have responded slightly differently, but I did know she was coming from a place of support and helpfulness -- still bugged me though!

if you know it's not a judgement on yourself, why take it as such?

she has a didactical personality, is all.l

It just rubbed me the wrong way. Thought I could come here and vent about it without being questioned about why I feel the way I feel.

Originally Posted by LockItUp:
It just rubbed me the wrong way. Thought I could come here and vent about it without being questioned about why I feel the way I feel.

I totally understand. Sometimes it really doesn't matter how good someones intentions are, you just can't help the way it makes you feel!

Originally Posted by LockItUp:
It just rubbed me the wrong way. Thought I could come here and vent about it without being questioned about why I feel the way I feel.

oh, i'm sorry - i didn't mean to give the idea i was pooh-pooh-ing your feelings. i'm just trying to understand. situations like this are difficult for me to comprehend - one of the reasons i don't like actually socializing with ppl. i *think* i'm clear on a situation and it turns out there's a whole other level of which i was completely oblivious.

It mainly just brought up feelings of "people think I'm stupid because I'm fat", which wasn't on her, that's my own issue. Guess that's where I'm coming from with it.

ah - THAT i can relate to.

don't worry! once you've lost the weight and are looking hot and sexy, they'll think you're a dumb bimbo, lol.

no matter what, ppl are gonna judge.

I know what you mean! It sounds like you handled it well. People just get excited and have to share their knowledge, I guess, especially if it's new to them.

I've been pretty open about my weight loss/dieting efforts, so that kind of opens the advice flood gates. I get it all the time, and I just listen, discuss, or let it roll off my back. Whatever happens to fit the situation. Sometimes I learn something, and sometimes I don't.

It annoyed me recently when I got in to a discussion with Mr. Know-It-All at work. Nice man, but he has this annoying tendency to give people instructions rather than opinions. I usually take it with a grain of salt, because he is who he is, and we don't have to spend a tremendous amount of time together.

This particular time, though, I found myself really annoyed, because I really got the impression that he thought I was clueless. It's not about dieting, he told me. It's about making good choices, eating healthy foods, lots of veggies and limiting certain carbs, etc. You know, the stuff all of us have pretty much grasped. No matter what I said, my approach on dieting/weight loss was "wrong". I finally told him that as a man, his challenges are very different than mine (a woman). He could probably skip a meal and walk around the block twice and lose 10 pounds, honestly. I also reminded him that he's not looking to lose weight. I am. I explained to him that it takes 3000 calories to lose a pound, and in order to lose about a pound a week, I have to maintain a deficit of at least 500 calories per day.

Light bulb. Once I laid it out to him in this way, he understood that I know what I'm doing and that I have a clue. He hasn't said a word about it to me since!

I'm glad you brought up this subject because it's bugged me, but I wasn't quite sure how to bring it up! LOL!

Don't you just hate that?
As soon as you let people know you're trying to lose weight they feel entitled to give you tips or tell you what to do. I'm sorry but unless I ask for it, i will not welcome any advice. I applaud how you handled the situation :)
I try to keep my weightloss as "secret" as I can, because when I would make it public, I'd get tons of unsolicited advice, especially from people with terrible eating habits.

You handled it well. I did much of the same when people discovered I was losing weight (after a while you can't hide it anymore, haha!).

Now, after ignoring everyone's advice, I notice that I don't get unsolicited advice anymore and instead people come to me for advice.