Hard to watch people regain
 

I can't blog about this because these two people read my blog and I don't want them to feel bad - I know how much of a mental game this whole change of lifestyle is. Losing weight is relatively easy - because it's short term, but keeping up the routine for life is the hard part and regaining is all too common.

Two people in my real life lost a lot of weight on their own through diet and exercise about a year before I started. One got derailed by a difficult surgery and the other just is struggling with keeping up the determination. I've watched both regain about half of their lost weight - I'm assuming. It looks it.

I feel so sad for them as I know how much both of them want to be thinner and above all, healthier and of course, it puts the worry in my head too - if it happened to them, it could happen to me too - losing focus, getting lazy with habits, getting side tracked.

I also wonder how my continued downward trend (though much, much slower now) bothers/hurts them. I don't want that, of course. I can't really say anything, but it puts me in an awkward position sometimes.

But mostly, it makes me sad to see them struggling. Has that happened with you?

My oldest brother lost over 50 lbs doing low carb a year or so ago and has sadly gained quite a bit back. In his case, I think it's about education. He went to a nutritionist (dietician? I'm not certain) and she placed him on this diet. It was handed to him and he went with it; he didn't understand why it worked or what to do to maintain it. Now he wants to know what I'm doing and I've tried to explain it to him but he simply doesn't seem to care about the why. Makes all the difference, I think.

I'm always the one who's doing the regaining, unfortunately. I have this tendency to fall off the wagon for various reasons (pregnancy, injury, just plain losing motivation) and undoing all the hard work I put into losing weight. Being on that end of the stick, I'll tell you that for me, when I've fallen off the wagon and see people still going, I feel jealous that they are continuing to succeed while I failed. It makes me feel bad about myself, but it's my own issues and problems, and I'm genuinely happy for them that they are still going.
Although I do have a friend who I've watched regain a couple of times as well. Right now I'm very motivated and have been working really hard to stay motivated and she's on a regain. I feel awful for her since I've been there, but there's not much I can do but focus on my own journey.
I guess all you can do is be there for them, offer support and encouragement and hope that maybe you can help inspire them to get back on track.

It's part of the journey. I've lost and gained back, and lost and gained back. It happens. I think it's just part of it for some people. I definitely understand why you feel sad and concerned; it's a lot of hard work to throw away not to mention a threat health wise. But it happens when you aren't quite "there" yet I think. They will hopefully learn from it and next time they lose they will have more tools to keep them from gaining it back.

I definitely know how you feel. One side of my family are all just obese. I watch them start diets all the time and lose about 20 pounds and then give up. It seems like in the end they're just constantly getting bigger and bigger. It particularly makes me sad because my cousin is one of them. We're the same age and while I know I'm not skinny either, I just feel shocked each time I see her and she's just bigger and bigger. It hurts me. I mean what happens one day when she wants kids? Diabetes also runs in our family I don't want to see her get that either... :(

It is hard to watch and I don't want to be insensitive in how I respond, but their journeys are their own and I always hope that if someone is curious they'll ask me questions and if they're discouraged, they should realize that if I can do it, anyone can. But beyond that I just focus in my own journey with humility to realize that with the hard, daily work, where there are is where I could be.

I guess thats the thing..for those of us that have been obese a long time..losing weight may just have to be a way of life. We may never be able to go back to just "Regular" eating..as much as it sucks..if we want to make sure we dont put it on..i suppose we are going to have to always be on a type of diet

I have the same issue with my sis in law. She is so heavy right now I am shocked. I see her start to try to lose weight, do okay for awhile, and stop. She is a slow loser so she gives up easily. She figures if she only loses a pound every other week, that's just not fast enough and well, just gives up. She doesn't notice if you gain a few pounds a month, that that is soooooo much worse than only losing 1 every few weeks. She has also fallen into the processed food trap, and her kids are just getting fatter and fatter. That makes me sadder than anything else. Knowing there will be yet another generation that does not know what fresh food is, but will be well versed in taking blood sugars and medications for their obesity. My nephew is so big now I did not recognize him, and it has only been a few mos. since I last saw him. It is sad, but I just remember that I don't want to be like that anymore, and that is why I am on this journey again. Maybe if I eventually succeed, I can be a role model for others.

I think the problem is in thinking there is a "normal" way to eat that doesn't involve restraint. I can't tell you how many times I've been asked, "Are you ever going to be able to eat normal food?" When I ask what they mean by "normal" I always get the same answer - like you ate before. People don't get it that how we ate before obviously wasn't working and they tend to think of losing weight as a temporary situation, then you can go back to "normal." I guess it takes a while for it to sink in that this is how you also maintain.

I have regained several times, what I can't stand is that people who have never tried to lose look down on regainers. It can be hard, esp when no one supports you and you have low self-esteem. Now I am working on me on the inside, so that I can maintain.
On the plus side, since I have regained, I know its not that scary and I can always go back to losing the weight-as I have like 4 other times lol, I would just rather not have to go through this losing process again.
I admire the people who live with weight loss saboteurs, I dont think that I could ever lose at home. I'm really relieved that I don't live with my parents anymore lol.
EDIT-I also tell myself that its OK to be a statisical outlier. So what if 95% diets fail or whatever! I've scored pretty high on some tests compared to other test takers, so if I am in that 5% of successful dieters then so be it-its possible.

Well, they could be meaning - eating normal food - not just normal amounts of food - or the amounts of food you ate before.

For me, I plan to eat all foods. I'll just less of them than before. Well, i'll no longer eat cheetos. (I was eating a bag a day!!!!), but I will eat cookies and cake on occasion. I'm not giving up all those foods and haven't on this journey either. I have just finally learned what moderation means!

I completely agree with Thistle berry - I think it is largely education. A lot of people think there is this *ONE* magic way to lose weight. They follow the plan and once hit the goal weight they think - I can go back to eating "normal" (linJber- you are so on point there!) they never learn how to manage day by day, meal by meal in the real world away from all the restrictions & rules of the original plan. I know I was like that. I followed calorie counting & my trainer religiously for months. I lost 30 pounds and once i hit goal - *Zap* back to being "normal". add 5 years & I was back at my highest weight. =( THis time I get it, there is no magic plan. "eating Normal" = gaining weight. I will never be normal in that sense again. but I know this time I am mentally prepared for this & more likely to make this permanent. sad though - seeing people struggle. I think we have all been there.

My husband went down to 220lbs when he moved to Florida with me. He then quit his job for another, and the other turned out to be a lie. So we had to move north with his parents. Unfortunately, he would eat and eat and EAT their CRAP (sorry, their menu ticks me off) until he got to 275lbs. If we didn't move out when we did, he probably would have passed 300.

Lucky we've moved out again and he's down to 250lbs and is in the same pants size he was in when we were in Florida. :)

Yes. Many years ago I saw one of my coworkers lose a ton of weight, then balloon back up remarkably quickly. She was a smart and motivated woman and was in a good place mentally (had just started a passionate new relationship), so I figured she was making the tradeoff (more food for more weight) with eyes wide open.

F.

I have nothing but pure empathy for people that regain. I have been there so many times in my life before. Its a cycle that is so hard to break, so many reasons why we gain back what we fought so hard to lose.

Ditto. I've only done a weight loss once before - lost 50 and gained it all back plus 40 more! Scared me to death so much that I didn't try again for years and years until my health forced me to try again.

I've learned a lot about myself in that time - my triggers for poor decisions and so on, but I totally empathize the regain. BTDT and I hate seeing others struggle the same way I did.

I also feel bad watching others regain. I'm sure other people felt the same way when they saw me lose and gain and lose again, rinse and repeat. I feel like I've learned some lessons that nobody could have ever taught me...I had to experience the regain for myself to truly *get* it....at least I think I get it. ;)

I have seen it and lived it myself two times. It is hard to devote so much time and effort, only to be defeated in the end. I worry about this happening to me again. I couldn't handle it emotionally.

I think maintaining is harder than losing! I've been 145-165-128-198-138-186-142-168 and now 148...all in the last 8 years. I'm trying but it is not easy!!!! I never think of how my parents feel other than disappointment, which is painful to be aware of.

Losing is easy! Maintaining? That's another ball game.

It took me from the age of 16 to 52 to figure out maintaining.

I feel for you and your friends, it's tough to see them work so hard to lose, and then, gain it back and more. I have been those people!:?:

All I can say is one afternoon in the garden, while having a pity party, I realized, that it was all up to me, to make the good choices or NOT.

Since then, I make more good choices than bad. It's a tough road, but I decided that I needed to put me first. I'm no good to anyone else, if I'm not healthy and happy.

I have to admit, I don't have anyone in my real life that's lost a considerable amount of weight only to regain it, but I do have tons of people who have started a healthy eating plan, stuck to it for a short time, make some progress only to give it up for a variety of reasons. One of these people and the one that hurts the most, is my mom. She is like the healthy eating oracle of the world. If there's a book or article on diet or exercise, she's read it. She has all the theory down. She says she wants me to help and I try but there's just a gap between knowing what to do and doing it. And this is even for me, who's been doing this for 4 years now.

It definitely hurts and I feel bad because I know how much she wants it and I want as much for her to succeed, but at the same time, I know what it took for me was more than "wanting it." It took being ready to commit no matter what and that's a hard point to come to everyday, when it's hard and you don't feel like it. But at the same time, as much as I want her to succeed, I can't do it for her or get to that point for her. So as much as I want to help, and drag her kicking and screaming to success, I can't. Most day's I can barely keep up with dragging myself over the "on-plan" line. The best I can do is keep hoping for her and praying for her and encouraging her when she's on plan, inviting her to go walking with me, and supporting her in every way I can. And I have to believe that's good enough.

Berry, you're writing this helped me a lot because I've always been the one who loses and then regains more, and it's been a lifelong cycle. I've always thought that my friends and family were probably disgusted with me. It never dawned on me that they might feel badly for me knowing how much I wanted to lose the weight, but never before having the right approach and mindset.

And, no, I can't imagine that your continued downward loss makes them jealous. Maybe envious, but a real friend wouldn't be jealous.

With that said, it's a tough situation to be in -- do you say something or not? do you offer suggestions or just keep quiet? are there stealth ways of incorporating support into the conversation or would they just see through that?

But, you might reconsider posting something similar to what you've written here on your blog. I think we're all afraid that we'll regain the weight. Maybe writing about that topic and offering ways you're continuing the daily challenge would help them.

Thanks for your thoughtful post.

As one of those people who lost a considerable amount of weight only to regain most of it back, this has been a very interesting thread to read. I was definitely embarassed about people seeing my weight going up and down (well, really down and up! lol!) and that is part of what I am having to work through this time as I lose it again. And there is certainly fear that I could lose my way and regain again. But I'm hoping that sticking with 3fc and planning out strategies to prevent that from happening will contribute to making this the time that I finally succeed in sticking with this all the way through the losing process and into maintenance (where I know there will be new challenges to face, of course!)

In my case, I didn't really have anyone in real life who was losing at the same time as me. And I think I'm glad in a way - it would just be one more unknown variable to handle. Whether they succeeded when I failed or vice versa, I would have to deal with it. So in a selfish way, I'm sort of glad that I'm doing this alone, at least as far as real life. I definitely couldn't do it alone with the support on 3fc!!

I've been the regainer. I've seen people regain. This time though I know I can regain, I also know what it takes to stay smaller.

I eat anything I want to now, already, and I believe that I am eating normally. It's just that before I wasn't eating normally, I was eating abnormally. Overeating. Bingeing. Choosing foods that spiked my sugar and then sent me crashing. That's not normal and it's certainly not healthy.

Melissa - every time I see you mention cheetos as your binge food it makes me cringe. That's about the one salty snack I could never eat. I ate cheetos and grape soda when I was about four or five while on a long car trip and got soooo sick on them (probably travel sickness not really from the food) I can still remember choosing them out of the vending machine at the interstate rest stop. And I can still remember throwing up in the car. Lifelong aversion. Even the smell...

I just wish I'd also been sick on potato chips, fritos, doritos and fries. :)

It's VERY common to gain weight back up. I was down to 110 (my lowest has been 100 when i was borderline anorexic) when i got launched to 169 AFTER my pregnancy. Not right after it either mind you. It took me 4 years to get there. BUT the good thing is that i didn't gain as much i had the first time. That time i was 189 pounds. The heaviest i've ever been in my life. So yes i did regain (i sometimes find it inevitable), BUT it was MUCH less, and plus back then i was smoking whilst now i am going 9 years smoke free and i am also a mom. So i suppose that even though i regained i am in MUCH better shape than i used to be......:D Keep thinking positive. You 'may' regain, hopefully you won't......but i am sure that in your mindset it will be minuscule.....;)

For your friends it is absolutely normal to feel sadness. Keep supporting them to get back on track!

How ironic for this thread to pop up. I wrote it nearly a year ago. At that time I was at or near my lowest weight ever which is around 165

In that year, I went up to 170, vacation weight up to 189, down to 170 after vacation, then with major stress and injury, up to 185 and then the holidays, up to 197. Then back on plan and down to 185.

So I have regained some and I did so extremely quickly. And I'm finding it very very hard to lose this latest gain. In the last 11 months I have lost a total of 32 pounds, but I'm 20 pounds over where I was when I wrote it.

In some ways, for others, it's good. They can see I'm human and that I make mistakes. That I struggle. But for me it's frustrating.

I have learned so much with the partial regain. My thought of being able to eat what I wanted within moderation isn't true for me. Carbs make me balloon up fast and create terrible cravings. I need to steer clear of them if I want to maintain my weight loss for life.

I am proud of myself for not giving up and proud of myself for maintaining the losses that I have maintained.

I'm also happy to say one of my real world friends is back at the weight loss thing and I'm cheering her on and she welcomes my support.

And I'm pushing myself to get back to where I was!!!!

The possibility of regaining scares the #$% out of me! Been there, done that! And the three times I've lost before, I not only regained, I put back on 30 to 40 additional pounds each time.

This is what I finally realized I must do. In the past I dieted without a long term plan. I lost, but then I eventually regained. Most of the time I started regaining before I ever reached my goal. My long term maintenance will be very similar to what I am doing now, but with less restrictions.

I've regained once before but it took me a long time. I have always been big but managed to slim down between the ages of 17 and 21. I looked great. Fast forward 17 years and I had, year by year, creeped up to 280lbs. I never thought I would be able to lose the weight again, like I did in my teens, but with the good tips on here I have started to! I am a guy who learns from his mistakes. So this time I am going to try to eat healhier and avoid the junk once the weight is off. Salads are here to stay.

I feel bad but some people don't want to hear unsolicited, factual advice. I tried to give a friend advice once when she was complaining about her weight but she became irritated so I say nothing now. I don't even talk about my weightloss with her. :shrug:

Of course, most people lose weight for themselves...that's the way it should be.

I have lost and regained twice. When I regained, I didn't quite reach my peak but I was way too close for comfort. Now that I have lost it again (and maintained for awhile), a lot of people think this is the very first time I ever lost weight. Even people close to me, like my parents, wouldn't remember that I once (or twice!) regained it. So, they don't quite get why I can be so vigilant about my eating and exercise habits.

No one ever really directly confronted me about my weight regain and I honestly doubt anything they said would've helped me.

I've never been one to base a person's personality or moral fiber to whatever their number is on a scale. I'm not particularly smarter now that I am in maintenance mode than when I was regaining. Life changed and I couldn't handle the change while maintaining my weight.

I find that people who are near or at goal weight will be more receptive to diet and exercise assistance or advice. So, if you have a friend who lost a lot of weight and is now getting married or having a child, you can offer to exercise with them during the next year or so for encouragement. Or give recipes now that she will have less time to cook, etc.

It becomes an issue of prevention.

I have lost and regained 7 times in my life. I see the warning signals in a few posters on the board. (For once, I am not one of them.) It makes me sad. But, I think, everyone just does the best they can.

What are some of the warning signals? I know some are obvious, like going on a plan that is not sustainable in the long term. What else?

Last time I regained, I would ask myself during a binge: "Why are you doing this? You're going to regain the weight back." My answer? "I don't care." Now that I'm in the process of getting rid of all I gained back, I DO care. But at that moment, I just wanted to eat more and more--whether to comfort myself or whatever. I guess desire is one of those things that ebbs and flows.

I would say, for myself, warning signs are ignoring gains, making excuses, denial, bargaining, magic thinking (that I can keep the weight off in a different way than I took it off), and not putting staying on plan first.

So funny to see this today - or sad. Something I wrote almost two years ago has resurfaced just as I came back as a regainer. Having gained back 80 of the 110 I had lost. The first 30 I gained back (and lost part and gained part) over the course of a year. The last 50 I put on quickly in less than a year.

My two friends? They have been struggling too - but much less dramatically than I have been on the scale and they never gave up as completely as I did. While in my head I knew I hadn't give up "forever" but I sure did shut down "mostly".

I've lost and regained 70 lbs about 3 times in my life, and smaller amounts in between. Finally got to goal and found myself bingeing a few times, and that really scared me! Thanks to this website, I found some books about eating behavior & dieting that were really enlightening.

Apparently our brains are hard wired to drive us to stock up after a famine. Those powerful urges and cravings that lead many of us to regain are not lapses of will power. They are actually survival instincts that have evolved to help humans survive food scarcity and are triggered by dieting.

Understanding that has helped me enormously. Also, I'm learning to be happy with the few pounds I gained rather than aim for the 'perfect' weight I had when I first reached maintenance.

I have a friend that put on a shocking amount of weight, she has since lost about 20p of it but last summer I was really worried about her health. Of couse I never said a word and never will unless she asks.

re:
 

I've always in been in awe just how RIDICULOUSLY fast weight comes back on for those who have lost it.

It really seems as if 2 slices of pizza will put 5 lbs on someone who has lost weight and nothing on that person who has always been the same weight.

Obviously I'm exaggerating there, but how is it even possible to put 20lbs in one month? Not water weight, the real deal. I know it's possible though because I did it. I do feel badly when I watch people regain, and it makes me feel as if the deck is stacked against us.

Ultimately though, what pushes me through those feelings of hopelessness is the fact that I don't have the right to feel sorry for myself. I have a family that will depend on me being around for sometime, so I can't let them down.

Yes, it is totally possible to gain 20 lbs in a month and not even hard!

When we were on vacation 18 months ago or so, we swam and hiked everything. When we came back I had gained 20 pounds in a month. My thin husband was the same. My mother in law lost weight. We were together every day, all day, so we saw each other eat. Sure, we all ate more, yet I was the one with the HUGE weight gain. Of which I truly hoped was water weight.... none of it was. Or at most 3 pounds of it was.

I think that was the start of the downward spiral for me. It was the first time I fully realized how meticulous I would have to be and I didn't know if I could be that "on" for the rest of my life.