I can relate, Melissa.
I struggled to get anywhere under 250 throughout high school and throughout most of my adulthood, but gained over an additional 100 pounds in the course of one year, when the relationship with my ex wasn't working and my father was dying. And at that weight, I found I could barely walk! I was always tired and sickly, and couldn't even find jeans at the plus sized stores large enough to fit me. It took me a good 6-8 years to work that additional 100+ pounds off and get back to my "normal" range of the 250's. I did manage to yo-yo throughout the 240's-250's for a couple of years before a whole new set of stress hit me in late 2011.
I received word that my cousin was dying out of state and that I needed to speak to my brother about some long-standing legal issues, however my car had broken down and we had to travel across the country for both issues. In the meantime I was also acting as a live-in sitter for my husband's boss, which is where we were staying when I found out I was pregnant for the first time! I was both excited and scared, as I'd been having a rough go of things and barely had the energy to even think about having a baby; I couldn't even bend over anymore. And before I knew it, my cat got extremely sick on Christmas and we had to put him to sleep the day after. But the real kicker happened two weeks later, when we traveled out of state to visit my mom's side of the family. I woke up bleeding in the middle of the night and ended up in a hospital hundreds of miles from home with a miscarriage.
This all happened within a 2-month period(!), and in that short amount of time I gained about 30 pounds, undoing the years of struggling I did to stay under 250!
I knew my eating was out of control at the time but didn't really care; I'd simply fallen back on my old coping mechanism of eating to feel better, to escape, to numb the pain. But what the miscarriage told me was that I was exchanging that numbness for my health. Perhaps I had a similar moment that you recently did, the realization that I had to set things in order if I didn't want to keep spiraling out of control and end back up at my highest weight or worse! I took time to mourn, collect my thoughts, and make a plan. I set a specific date as my "reboot" and told myself that there was no going back. I unknowingly worked through depression and severe anxieties; I wish I would have known about the medication I'm currently on back then but wasn't diagnosed until this past January.
Anyway, it's now two years later and I'm over 60 pounds lighter, although I'd like to think I'd have lost much more if I hadn't gotten pregnant last year.
I've since been blessed with a beautiful little boy and the maintenance break I took for the pregnancy was totally worth it! I got back on the weight loss train at the beginning of this year and am I'm currently at the lowest weight of my adulthood . . . not bad given that I'm 16 weeks postpartum.
I do have to stay conscious every day, and I think the key for many of us is to find a way to consistently do so . . . otherwise we'll slip back into those old habits. What works for me is using a weekly-planner as my health journal. I hand-write all of my meals, exercise, thoughts, milestones, and goals in it. Other people do great with apps or online methods. The point is that anything that helps you stay accountable will be an enormous help. Make that promise that you'll keep moving forward, even in those times that you slip be kind to yourself so you can get back on track ASAP. I can't say I'll never slip back . . . it's definitely happened to me before . . . all I can do is make a promise to myself to keep trying. That's all any of us can really do. And in my case, I've found that as long as I maintain my health journal, I stay conscious of my habits and continue to try. I suspect it's the same for you with writing your blog entries as well as your posts here, another reason it's so good to see you back online.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that you've got this; recognizing and admitting the problem is the hardest part! You've gone through the process before so you know what works and what you need to do. And you've got your hubby to help you pull through this! You've also got all of us here; you know we're all rooting for ya!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Locke
I agree with you. I always thought that thin people ate whatever they wanted. That's true for some people but other people are disciplined in their approach. I think that it may be that people who "eat whatever they want" and are thin have a sort of natural discipline to their eating that they are simply unaware of, like how some people are gifted at math or sports. The rest of us have to be present and discerning. I am learning to stop eating before I'm full. There is nothing natural about this for me. I want to plow through to stuffed. There will never be a time when I can go back to the way I eat naturally. I am satisfied with that because I'm happy eating the way that I am now.
I agree as well!
I didn't make any substantial progress until I realized that I had to let go of my bitterness of not being able to eat whatever I wanted, and however much I wanted (which was an assumption I'd made about everyone else). I had my first *aha* moment when I witnessed my "naturally-thin" SIL only eat half a slice of some pie before putting it down and exclaiming something like, "It's sooo yummy, but too sweet for me, I couldn't possibly eat another bite." I envied her ability to do that (I could easily eat the whole pie in one sitting!) and wondered if anything would ever be too sweet for me. Figuring not, I thought I'd try to emulate that mindset regardless, which has taken years to adapt to and is still a work in progress. I still slip up a lot, and I don't think anything will ever be too sweet for me (regardless of how many simple carbs I cut out). I can't always trust myself in front of certain kinds of foods or even large amounts of food, so I've learned to set myself up for success in various ways, such as keeping trigger foods out of the house, always keeping prepped veggies always in the fridge, and having a "safe" list of items to order from any restaurants I may visit. I've chosen to be extraordinarily strict with regular soda; the only times I've chosen to have any in the past five years was to help settle my stomach when I had a bad case of the flu. It also helps to track my meals, which helps me continue to make better decisions (although I admittedly allow for indulgences and occasionally slip up).
I do miss being able to stuff myself with rich foods, and I don't think that urge will ever go away. I still talk myself through eating healthier and in smaller amounts. I've actually fallen in love with veggies & fruit and can truly savor them now, but they'll still never be as amazing as freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, deep-fried onion rings, cake with lots of buttercream frosting, pizza, or cheesecake. I still have all of those, but only in small amounts on rare occasion and only in controlled settings; otherwise I'll binge.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I'm at peace with having to stay mindful, even though for me it's far from natural. And I think being angry about having to change my habits for the better was my enemy all along.