The moment when it clicks*
 

So I have basically been spending the last 3 months seriously thinking about my weight loss aspirations/goals etc. and I had a moment in the last week that finally made something click in my head.

And so the story begins...(lol)

So I was spending some time with an old friend from high school, catching up and such, now I am the person that everyone went to to talk about anything that was happening in their lives and I have gotten really good at directing conversations so that other people spend the entire time talking about themselves. Now for me this skill(?) I have for directing conversation sort of arose from two things. 1. I know that if I keep a person talking about themselves then the attention is on them and i don't have to answer any unwanted questions. 2. because I like being able to make my friends feel better by letting them vent(i'm just a friendly ear, not a professional or anything). I see that as a part of friendship.
So back to what I was saying. I was spending time with an old friend and they got this really strange look on their face and just blurted out "You never talk about yourself". Which I laughed off to begin with and just basically said that I don't really have much to talk about, my life is kinda boring. I felt like he was a bit upset about my response, so I just told him that I don't tend to talk about myself to anyone and that it is really hard to do. So this went back and forward for a couple of minutes, until he finally got the absolute shits and refused to leave until i just fessed up. I was frustrated and upset myself and basically told him that I don't talk about myself because I am ashamed about the person I am.
Now you know that moment when someone looks at you like your an absolute moron, well that was this moment, and my response was to start muttering about the fact that I am ashamed of my weight and that I know I am judged on it and that I don't think it is fair that someone should have to listen to me complain about my weight, when I have the ability to change it.
Now his response to this:
"Well how the **** are you suppose to deal with your own day to day problems, as well as listening to a dozen other peoples, when you don't have anyone to talk to?"
Good point right.

So I went home and had a bit of a think, and a bit of a cry (if I'm being honest), and I realised that he was/is completely right. I can't tell you the number of times I have been upset about something and instead of finding a friend for help, I've gone into a locked room, given myself and hour to cry, scream etc and then emerged like nothing has happened and overloaded on food so that it couldn't come out.

Now I know from other posts that many people have family members that bluntly criticise their weight, this was never the case in my family. My weight was never an issue that was directly raised with me. So by the time I was a teenager I knew that it was something to be ashamed about because it was something that was never acknowledged in public or prive for that matter. So i supose the point I am trying to make is that I was always told indirectly that my weight was shameful and that talking about it wouldn't help to make it better.

it just strikes me as strange that the inability of my parents to address the problem of my weight has directly lead to my inability to talk about me as a person, because all of my selfworth is wrapped up in my weight.

I don't know if any or all of this made any sense, but I thought that I would get it out of my head.

Thanks for the ear :)

Yes it makes sense and this person you talked to is a friend. A friend does not engage in only one way relationships.

Your friend must be very attuned to others to pick up on that. I'm that girl, too - the one who always listens, directs conversations so she barely says a word, and never talks about herself. None of my friends have ever picked up on it like that though, so that's awesome that he did.

Glad you had that moment of understanding. Everyone needs someone to talk to.

Wow! I completely feel I can relate. I have friends that go on and on about themselves and I don't mind not saying much about myself because I feel it's my job to listen and be the "strong" one for them to lean on. I don't talk about my weight and how much I am ashamed and feel like I let myself down. Thanks for sharing your story with us!

Sounds like a breakthrough! Many of us use food as the friend that helps us through our problems... now that you've identified the pattern you can find healthier ways of dealing :)

Thank you for sharing that. It really touched me because it's a brave thing to share something so personal! I'm right there with you trying to really look at myself and figure out my issues, and there are a lot of them. It's hard, but a relief to have breakthroughs like this! Congratulations!

You know for years I've been waiting for my moment. My epiphany. I'm glad you've had yours. What a great story to share, and maybe you sharing will help someone to have their moment.

Good luck on your journey, and I hope you find someone who will listen, I'm sure there are many people on this board who will. :)

Thank you so much really.
I never thought about it like this, but i can relate to you in so many ways.

OH wow- can I relate. I KNOW I am that person, and become more and more that person the more insecure I am in my place in life.

I had a similar conversation with a friend, although I will admit he was a little harsher. Basically, he let me know that he felt like I didn't trust him to care about me as much as he trusted me to care about him. And if that was the way I saw his friendship- then, well, he couldn't be friends.

He didn't recognize that it came from my insecurities, that it came from a very real issue of fear of rejection.

I am grateful he called me out on it. I am grateful I got to salvage that friendship. But I can't help but wonder what other relationships I have sabotaged by my own actions.