Alright, so you are co-parenting then but not married or romantically involved any more? More like roommates? How long is he going to be in your home then?

I don't think I'd want my roomie making me food -- could open the door to roomie wanting to be my food police and adding MORE conflict to an already tense roomie situation. (And he's not involved and you got mad at his FB comments. Why give him MORE ammo to get all up in your biz?)

Who needs that? And in a roomie situation... his self esteem issues really aren't your prob to solve are they?


Is he bipolar?

Or is this the cycle of abuse?

I don't want to sound insulting about it. But you really sound like you have a full plate over there and it's not esp. healthy sounding to be in.

Some of what you describe in your relationship rigamarole is skidding over to the rude and/or abusive side. You don't sound like you enjoy this.

Whether it stems from self esteem or bipolar or whatever going untreated or whether it stems from flat out mean... Abuse is still abuse.

I don't know what else to tell you other than not all abuse is physical and try to keep you and kid safe from harm.

http://www.speakoutloud.net/power-an.../mens-tactics/

Be careful your kid watches this and this is her "normal relationship yardstick." Even if YOU aren't in an abusive relationship you yourself say it is peculiar.

And seeing this level of tumultuous rigamarole as "normal healthy relationship?" It grooms her to expect and be "ok with" a lot of relationship brouhaha that COULD land her in hot water later on if she has the misfortune to pair up with an abuser in later life. A teacher, a boyfriend, whoever.

I really hope things get better for you... and I hope it is just the limitations of talking to people on the internet making your situation seem worse than it actually is.

But it reads pretty worrisome. :(

I hope you guys make out ok. :hug:

A.

It honestly sounds to me like you guys are overwhelmed and taking out your frustrations on each other. You guys apparently both have bad tempers and you both treat each other badly, each returning every insult and negative comment in kind. Put your differences aside and treat each other with the respect you deserve as her Mother and he deserves as her Father. Trust this, if you don't treat each other with respect, she won't respect either one of you in the long run.

Your daughter should not be mediating anything, even if you guys are only together for her raising. She is a child and must be treated as one. If she gets out of the house, put an alarm on the door and catch her, explain why she can't go out alone and why you absolutely won't allow it to happen. You say she's got a high IQ so she should understand although you'll probably have to deal with her trying to manipulate you to get her way. You are the adults and you need to behave like adults. She is a child and must abide by the rules you guys set forth as parents. There isn't room to waiver on that, no matter the IQ or scale of ADHD. Consistent boundaries create stability and security which children need. She can't run the show. She may be intelligent but she doesn't have the life experience and life skills to know what's best for her own welfare, let alone yours and her Father's.

Whether it takes family counseling or just a heart-to-heart, you two need to get on the same page and decide to show each other respect for everyone's sake. And please, don't have these talks in front of her, it's a relationship between you two and she really has no place being in the middle of it, even though she is a product of your relationship. It's much better to discuss these things when she's busy at school, at play, or sleeping so you can fully discuss them. When you two make a decision, you can both sit her down and show her that you two have made a decision and create a united front. If not, she'll learn to divide and conquer you as parents and in the long run, you won't be able to set boundaries or rules for her b/c she'll manipulate both of you to get her way.

Zoom out to the big picture and focus on why you're together, where you want to be, and how you're gonna get there.

oh, she's not mediating - but there's two things i don't like (having been through them): one is never, EVER seeing the parents fight but just knowing there is this awful, terrible tension all the time. when i was a kid, that was my best friend's house - her parents were VERY mannered, socially speaking, very gracious - but it was SO uncomfortable to be in that house. they acted like two dogs circling each other, waiting for the first one to blink.

my friend grew up and went through four husbands and who-knows-how-many boyfriends because the first time they have an argument, she dumps them. she just doesn't know how to handle it and thinks that a "good" relationship is one where ppl never argue or disagree.

the other is seeing only the argument end of it - that's what i went through. the only time i saw my parents get together, it was to fight. then my mom would go to her room and cry and my dad would sit and make *****y comments about her and watch TV and yell at us to get him a tea or "what're YOU looking at!??". and it was ALWAYS the same crap, time after time - it got so my sisters and i could chant along because we knew the script. it was almost exciting when dad tore into mom for smashing into the garage door and then it was her turn when the mechanic told dad the brake line was shot (mom'd been complaining about the mushy brakes for a while and dad kept saying he'd get around to it and obviously never did).

it took years of counselling for me to work on my temper and i've got it under control 90% of the time but it's unrealistic to let saari think that a "good" relationship never ever involves arguments and i don't want her thinking that the way to end a conflict is to stomp off and leave it unresolved.

we're trying to teach her that we are not perfect but we are trying to help her be better than we are - therefore, the first step is just to try and not get into an argument but, if it does happen, "what is a better way?". that also prevents her thinking it's her fault (my friend was convinced that the reason her parents wouldn't say anything in front of her was because it was about her).

don't worry - she is our princess and we do indulge her but the boundaries are there. some are comme ci-comme ca (ie, when shopping with me, she knows not even to ask for pop; with dad, well... it's a 50/50 chance. when walking with dad, she knows not to let go his hand; when out with me, she knows as long as she stays close and we're not on the road, she doesn't have to "Walk like a baby"). other boundaries, however, are mutual, and they're set in stone - we just give her a big field to run in.

and i was right: i showed him the recipes i found and asked what he thought they would taste like, and he looked at the first one and say "oh, no - that stuff's nasty. you wouldn't like it. this one, though, this has potential. it have too much sugar - it only to burn for colour so you can take that right out, maybe use honey to make up the flavour" and so on. he allowed as how they would probably be good recipes to cook for a whole family meal, not just little portions for me or a big recipe that i'll have to eat for a week and a half.

so peace descends once again - he said i was looking "really all right" which was nice, considering the only ones he lavishes praise on are children (that's another freaky thing: when it comes to kids, the elderly, and the disabled, he has *infinite* patience; adults.... not so much).

Then I'm glad to hear it's in the land of sane over there and not stepping into the land of abuse.

You are the one living it, so you know what it is or isn't.

And internet communication can only be but so good, right?

best wishes,

A. :hug:

It's really good to see that you are trying to put your differences aside and work together in the interest of your daughter. Children are sensitive and they understand so much more than we think, so she probably notices that you and her father are trying to be the best people you can be for her. But don't forget that you are important as well, your peace of mind and well being are important so make sure you send that message once in a while, just in case he tends to forget.

yes - he just discovered yesterday that my "love handles" are gone when he tried to grab them. he actually pulled up my shirt and asked "where'd they go!?"

"oh, hang on, they're in my back pocket.... [rolling eyes]"

for someone as smart as he is, he sure can come out with them.

the one i will never let him forget:

"hon, got something to show you" and handed him the pee stick with the "plus" sign.

"what's this?"

".... it's a pregnancy test."

"oh. well.... what does it mean?"

"*sigh* it means i'm pregnant."

"how did THAT happen!???" he asked in total and apparently genuine astonishment.

".............well, when a man and a woman fall in love.... how do you THINK it happened!?"

even he laughs about that one now.