Yesterday was awful. My boyfriend stopped mid sex and kind of broke down and went on a rant about how he's held in so much and how I'm just too fat. He always compliments me and plays with my belly and just makes me feel comfortable...and then this?! I have problems sticking with a diet or work out routine and he turned that into me not trying. I was so hurt. (A tear just came out thinking about it.) I've made it a goal to no longer be fat by September when I turn 21 and he said he knew I wasn't going to do that, he "sees the way" I eat. How can the person I'm closest to not support and believe in me? Later he apologized, saying he went about it the wrong way and none of it matters, he loves me too much to lose me, and bla bla bla. I decided to start phentermine again, luckily no side effects this time. I wanted to prove a point so I didn't eat all day (horrible, I know) and had a glass of water.
I'll eat today though, only for the sake of not developing an ED..I'm crushed inside and so ashamed. I feel like a fool for allowing myself such comfort. This makes me even more embarrassed to try and lose weight. I don't know why. I just want to hide.
Thanks for listening everyone. I hate this struggle. I'm scared I'm not strong enough but I have no room for failure.
Last edited by Miss LunaStar; 12-14-2011 at 06:05 AM.
Reason: Typo prone. I post from my phone.
I'm doing well getting back on track. I'm on my second day of graveyard shifts for the week, and trying to readjust my body and schedule. Swing shift...blech.
I weighed in at 174 again today, so no change....I think my body's still recovering from my food attack though, I'm not going to let it get me down. Maybe the second half of the week I'll be losing again!
My food choices today were awesome, so I'm pretty proud of myself! A little carb-heavy (165 g), but I can live with that. The main thing is I had zero junk food today.
Good job on the good work, guys! I really enjoy reading your posts.
Yesterday was awful. My boyfriend stopped mid sex and kind of broke down and went on a rant about how he's held in so much and how I'm just too fat. He always compliments me and plays with my belly and just makes me feel comfortable...and then this?! I have problems sticking with a diet or work out routine and he turned that into me not trying. I was so hurt. (A tear just came out thinking about it.) I've made it a goal to no longer be fat by September when I turn 21 and he said he knew I wasn't going to do that, he "sees the way" I eat. How can the person I'm closest to not support and believe in me? Later he apologized, saying he went about it the wrong way and none of it matters, he loves me too much to lose me, and bla bla bla. I decided to start phentermine again, luckily no side effects this time. I wanted to prove a point so I didn't eat all day (horrible, I know) and had a glass of water.
I'll eat today though, only for the sake of not developing an ED..I'm crushed inside and so ashamed. I feel like a fool for allowing myself such comfort. This makes me even more embarrassed to try and lose weight. I don't know why. I just want to hide.
Thanks for listening everyone. I hate this struggle. I'm scared I'm not strong enough but I have no room for failure.
I'm sorry this happened, but it did. Guys can be terrible about saying their feelings and about saying them in soft, cushioning ways, but that was hard to hear especially when you heard it. I think for many guys, they feel closer to use during intimate moments so they are more likely to spill their guts then too.
But also realize, the comment isn't all about how you look, but it's a worry about any future you might have together. It's a worry that you'll get heavier (and you probably will). It's a worry about things you can do together if you are too unfit and fat. And it's a worry about your health.
I know I'm double your age (gasp) and I've been fat for most of my adult life, but I'm learning some new things about my relationship with my husband of 18 years too. When I treated my body so poorly it worried my husband a great deal. We are a partnership and I was unable to do some things because of my weight and unfitness. I didn't take care of myself and so, he felt I didn't love him. Because I couldn't show him in a way he needed to be shown love. Yes, it also had to do with his physical attraction to me, but it was so much deeper than that. It's how I ate. How I was a couch potato and so on.
And that's why your reaction really worries me. You didn't eat for a day (veery immature) and then decided to take a weight loss drug to solve your problems with food. So what happens when you stop taking the drug? A drug is not going to solve your relationship problem or your food problem. You need to relearn portion control and make better food choices if you want to keep this weight off.
Up a full pound on the scale, but I sort of figured it would do that as last night, I ate WELL! Yesterday, came and went in about an hour, I swear I felt like I only had one hour all day. I made it to therapy and chatted Then got home long enough to veg out for that hour (I need to decompress after therapy...why is it, it makes me more depress ). Then we went to a wonderful concert (middle school kids are so stinking talented). And last to Applebee's. I love DH's cooking and I never complain about it, but something about eating restaurant food just makes me happy Probably all the salt Now I'm right back in the predicament of no food in the house. Oh well, I'll manage.
Berry your reply to Miss Luna made me think about yesterday's session w/ my new girlfriend It was about feelings and trust. I don't trust anyone and I never ever share my feelings, not even with DH. Therapist asked about sex (nope not even then). She pointed out the same thing you did. During intimate times, we (not me) share our intimate feelings and usually when you're intimate you are in a trusting situation (yeah?). So, maybe that was the case.
Miss Luna Normally I would say 'dump the jerk, love yourself and move on', but as I am learning about feelings myself, I am reconsidering such advice. What Berry said makes sense. Although, he could have done it better (less judgy and at a different time) what he feels is valid. I struggle with validation issues nearly every stinking day. My DH likes to say "that's not how you really feel", I don't like people telling me how I feel. Attraction (physical) is one of those things we all deal with. Love always sounds easy in movies, but really it has to worked on and through. You can love a person and still not want to talk to them (let alone other stuff) it doesn't make them love you less.
I think (and truly this is only an opinion of a very messed up person when it comes to emotions) that now isn't the time to 'get back' at him for his misplaced words. He did apologize later for his tact. That sounds like he cares. I say a lot of cruel things to people around me, I lash out like no bodies business, but I feel guilt afterwards. It doesn't make it better, I know, but to do yourself harm (neglect, addictive drugs, food..whatever it may be) doesn't help you or the situation.
I, too, am twice your age (shh, who said that!) and have been overweight all of my life (except 2 years...the window I met DH. Boy what a shock he got when I ballooned up again.) I have tried many many diets, pills, starvation (other reckless things), but none it worked because my head was in the wrong place. It's not 'lose weight for others', or 'lose weight to get a partner', or 'lose weight to be a hotty' or even 'lose weight to show them'. You are the only one carrying that weight. You are the only one carrying the baggage of being an overweight person. People will say and do things to you because of weight that you will not be able to control.
But, you can control you. You can take control of yourself and your weight issues. You can look into why and how it all came to this and work on that. This is a journey, it's not a fix. And journeys are meant to walk, explore and learn, not to be carried (by others words or actions). Instead of doing to prove something to others, prove to yourself that you are worth loving and start loving yourself...you truly truly are worth it. Good luck
OK, I have rambled on long enough. I hope everyone has a wonderful and healthy day!
Scale is down a wee bit more this morning. And I'm wearing a new sweater and new pants. miL had to comment that the sweater is a bit tight, but it's also the style of the sweater and darn it, I'm showing my better assets instead of hiding them all the time! Size medium sweater and size 10 pants. Of course, she came out 30 minutes later wearing a wool sweater pulled tight over her round abdomen, so I had to smile to myself. Whose sweater is tight? Her is way tighter than mine and in the wrong way.
Anyway.... Forgot to pick up my thyroid medicine last night, so I'm waiting to have breakfast now that I took it. 15 more minutes to wait and I'm starving! Been up since 6:15, so 4 hours and no food and I ate a bit light yesterday.
Last edited by berryblondeboys; 12-14-2011 at 10:23 AM.
Diana - Nyquil decongestion for you may be the same type of reaction... I can't take decongestives due to my congenial heart issue... but I don't have a problem with Robitussin DM. It's not a nighttime medicine though either? All I know is when I take the pain killers I am up. I did mention it to doctor, that the percocet is worse than the Vicodin... so we avoid the Percs, and use only as an absolute last resort.... and I always start with Tylenol. Yesterday Tylenol totally sustained it, so hoping tonight to get back a full workout - Lord knows I feel I need it, LOL
Nikki - Glad to hear you are not going up on the scale! Yes, my night out was awesome and much needed.
Luna - I read your post with my mouth hanging open. I am about to be honest with you, and if it sounds harsh I do apologize in advance, I totally suck at sugar-coating and soothing... I am a "fixer" by nature (fortunately my mom and my DH are good at nurturing so my kids get a rounded nature, lol). Let me start with... men can be insensitive, it happens - I blame the piece of anatomy they have that we don't, cutting oxygen off to the brain... especially at a time like that What my mouth hung open for though, is that you stopped eating for a day because of it. Honey, you are better than that! Don't you dare give him all the power over you like that... 1) cause YOU should have the power over YOU... no one else... and 2) because that is a ton of pressure on him as your partner... i.e. "if I don't walk on eggshells she will lash out hurting herself"... not good! Now, I would also like to come down on him for his words, but don't know the circumstances it arose at - I will say this though... you said you were embarrassed to try and lose the weight... why on earth would you be embarrassed to make improvements on yourself? Sincerely I say... YOU are worth feeling good about FOR YOU. I am sorry he was insensitive - unfortunately the world around us can't always tune into when the proper time/place/and wording is, but if you want to do this, do it for YOU... feel good about YOU...and don't be ashamed, be determined/driven/motivated Seriously look around you and think of how you can make each of your statements into a positive one today - you will be amazed how it changes your view. It's not "I can't"... it's "I will", it's not "well I have this going on instead"... it's "I will have an amazing adventure after this...".... it's not "I'm too tired", it's "I am going to get in better shape and push myself so I am NOT tired anymore".... and it's not "I can't cause of this obstacle"... it's " I am going to turn this stumbling block into a stepping stone". Relearn how you eat, have a bit more exercise, and learn that YOU are the #1 person worth loving
Mamakat - I feel ya on not being good with the emotional stuff. I think it's funny the differences you and I have, yet so many similarities along with it, Going out to eat sounds great
There are times when I step outside myself and examine my choices, attitudes, and behaviors. Since I decided to make another stab at the weightloss/lifestyle change, I've had an outlook that has been different from any other before. It's like when I finally quit smoking. The mind has to be there. No excuses for binging. No such thing as failure. A plateau doesn't mean it's time to quit. I can eat less calories, still fee like I'm getting enough to eat, still go to restaurants, still go to Happy Hour, still go to holiday parties, eat a little, drink a little and have lots of fun. I can hardly believe this is me...losing weight and not stressing, feeling guilt, or craving food. I fully believe I will be successful this time. I have no time limit. I'm learning this process and learning about myself. A cookie doesn't = failure. It's a learning experience. I'm so grateful and thankful everyday for this new mindset. I wish the same thing for all of you and great success along with it!
ItsMyTurn: Hope you're having a great day!
BBB: Your MIL sweater story cracked me up! Funny how people can't see their real selves in the mirror! Hope you've had some food by now!
Misti: Good morning to you!
Mamakat: I especially love the holiday season concerts by the kids. Glad you enjoyed yours!
Diana: Hope you're having a great day!
ArtyKay: Good job on staying away from the junk food! One victory at a time!
LunaStar: So much I want to say...I feel for you! It's one thing to think everything is ok, your BF is fine with the way you look, etc., then for him to unburden himself when he did...crushed and embarassed are completely understandable. I think he really does care about you and is worried about you. I also think he doesn't know how to "help" you. Do your best to keep communication open. But the others are right. You have to want this for you. The motivation to get through the hard times has to come from within. You can do it!!
Still: Glad to hear you're doing well and staying OP. Keep up the good work!!
Moondance I second you wishes to everyone on this weight loss journey. You know more than half the battle is the mindset. It truly is great when we reach a point where we know we've got this.
ItsMyTurn OK we have another thing in common...I, too, get wired on pain killers which totally sux because they don't really kill the pain. I always hope that I'll fall into a drug induced sleep and wake the next day pain less (it's never free ), but those dumb drugs keep me wide awake (of course I'm loopy and don't really care that it still hurts). Over the past few years we've been experimenting on which one is less of a wire and more of a relief. I've given up on that and have just settle with Vicodin. It does not take the pain away, but it makes me less aware and I can nod off for about five minutes or so. Whereas all the rest are useless. Isn't it funny, most people get knocked out by them. DH always says he's jealous of my stash, he had a Vicodin years ago for eye surgery (one!) and he remembers it as the best thing ever. I can take three and still wish for someone to conk me on the head SO funny how things work.
Berry I say wear what makes you happy. My wonderful (sarcastic) grandmother used to complain about my wardrobe. I chose tight tops, but kept the cleavage to a minimum (ha, just like now) and she'd say "how'd Scott like knowing his goods were being seen?" I swear if I could go back in time, I'd do some slapping Just as I told her, I will say again, it's our bodies and we can wear what we want! I say hey, if you got and you want to flaunt, you worked darn hard...DO IT! Enjoy your new look, you deserve it and hey, if it drives her crazy, all the better...(Ok, that was the evil Kat speaking )
OK like yesterday, today went by too fast. I just looked at the clock 3.10, both my kids are home from school and I still haven't eaten! What the heck? Man, something is off. Where did the last two days go? I have to go find food.
Computer's been on the fritz lately - I took it down to the apple store and they fiddled around with it for five minutes and now it works fine! I asked them if it was anything I could have fixed, and they said definitely no, so that makes me feel better. I got on a kick yesterday of watching 'Biggest Loser' and OH BOY if that's not a motivator than I don't know what is! I find myself constantly yelling at them for being *upset* at losing 1 or 3 pounds in a week instead of 15 or 20, but seeing the process and the emotional journeys they make is really inspiring. And Bob is such a sweetheart. Who doesn't love Bob?
still: Good job monitoring calories - when TTOM hits me, I'm happy so long as I don't eat half a cow! Being so close to your all-time low is great motivation, though!
Diana: The first thing that popped into my head when I saw your .2 loss was 'Look at that! Diana's gettin' down with her bad self!' Ha!
Miss LunaStar: I'm 22, not that much older than you. And I can tell you from an experience a few years ago that relying on diet pills and guilt to get you thin will lead to disaster. I lost a lot of weight freshman year, and ended up reaching my all-time low. I was a size 6, and I LOVED what I saw in the mirror. But I'd done all the wrong things to get there - using diet pills, starving myself, working out 2 and 3 times a day - and eventually it caught up with me. Over the next three years I ballooned out, gaining back all the weight I'd lost and eventually becoming 30 pounds heavier than I'd ever been. I didn't suffer side effects from the pills that I took, but I've found out that I have permanently damaged my health in the long-term because of them. I was a size 18, and for a long time I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. There was a big truth I had to accept before I was ready to really lose the weight
Here's what I had to learn: If I wasn't enough with the weight, I would never be enough without it. Pretty enough, smart enough, happy enough, sexy enough, healthy enough.... just enough. I had to learn to love who I was at my 260lb size 18 self. Only then would I be able to lose the weight for the right reason: because I want to be healthy. Being pretty is just a side benefit. Being attractive to others is just a side benefit. If your main reason for wanting to lose weight is anything other than wanting to live a healthy life, then I really don't think you'll succeed. I remember how awful it was to really accept that, but I did. And it's made all the difference for me, allowing me to lose the weight and keep it off for the first time in a long time. Instead of just reacting to whatever happens around you, take the time to really think through why you're doing this and what your motivations are. That way, instead of making this experience a painful guilt-trip, it will become the positive journey of self-discovery and growth that it's meant to be.
ArtyKay: Any day resisting temptation is worth a little celebration. Congrats!
mamakat: I feel the same way after therapy.... probably because therapists are just so darn good at finding those issues we've been tap-dancing around for years and making us slog through them. That's a workout in itself!
Misti: Good morning to you too!
Berry: If you got it, flaunt it!
It'sMyTurn: Great thoughts this morning! Thanks for sharing
Moondance: I've been reflecting on a lot of the same ideas lately.... mostly around the idea that 'the best things come to those who wait.' We've all fallen off the horse in little ways and big ways so many times, but that's just the way it's going to be for the rest of our lives. The important thing is that we get back up, dust myself off, and start riding again. It may take a while, but eventually, we'll get there.
Moondance - Good for you!!!! I love the outlook you have discovered!!! That view on this will make you successful!
Yes, my day is going good Another busy day and trying to cram all I can into it.. I so hate to feel like I wasted a second of any day I am still priveleged to live To "live" is more than just breathing After work today I will make my drive home, start warming the supper for the family, do my workout while it's heating up... serve out supper and eat as a family... help the kids with homework, have to update my FASFA paperwork if I get a chance tonight for school, give my son his injection, get the pills ready for my 2 oldest to take... shower then bed I do try to shove water down my face as much as possible during all this too I hope you are having a most awesome day?!
Mamakat - that's hilarious!!!! My mom had ONE percocet, and fell asleep for 4 hrs! :O I take 2 percocet and have the house so clean it sparkles, Of course I am on Ritalin regularly too for the ADHD... so according to DH it's kind of funny to watch me when I have both because I become hyperfocussed and appear to be on speed cause of the amount I get done, I will Tramadol isn't too bad, not AS hyper on it, but it also doesn't do much for the pain... when things start to really make the pain ease a lot is when the energy kicks in - can't win for losing. I also have gone with the Vicodin, and in a lower dose (500mg) as it is more effective than Tylenol when that won't touch it, but keeps the energy level to a minimum... but... since it is low dose, if it doesn't work at all, I have a safety net of having two. I still go into shock of how fast mom went to sleep that day though, LOL
For goodness sakes woman, eat something! We are behind you in time, so only 1:30 here. My days all seem to be flying by lately, but I blame the weather. It's been colder, and for the last 3 days we have been raining and wet (Flagstaff got a foot and a half of snow in ONE night). All these storms blowing in has made traveling take longer, plus sun isn't out, so seems like it's just dark all the time, so almost like there never WAS a daytime. Maybe yours is still coming down off manic stage? Or just so busy in general? Either way... gotta remember to eat
SMess - I am glad the computer wasn't a huge fix - that is always welcomed news Also... if you find that show to be a motivator, watch away... anything that adds to your motivation is definitely worth the time
Interesting day. I forgot to take my breakfast to work so thought no biggie; I'll just eat one of my tuna packets and crackers. Got to work... no tuna packets. I don't like sweet stuff for breakfast but went anyway and got my Greek lemon yogurt and citrus fruit cup. Had a few banana chips later in the morning.
Then found a frozen dinner in the kitchen for lunch, and then a few chips.
Oops more later... friend is here to fix the plumbing.
I blew it today... started out good, but the boys went out to fix the car, and it over ran dinner time, so I snacked... then I bought chips and dip when I went to get car parts... oh, and chocolate... I'm disappointed in day two of recommitment, but tomorrow is a new day, and I will be doing some recipe research and grocery shopping, so I should be better off tomorrow. One day at a time.. right?
I have to say that reading all the posts makes me want to reiterate how important to want to do this for ourselves, not for others. Sometimes I think we all forget how worth it we are! We are friends, daughters and sons, mothers and fathers, and lovers - all of whom mean the world to someone, so we should mean the world to ourselves too!
Later he apologized, saying he went about it the wrong way and none of it matters, he loves me too much to lose me, and bla bla bla. I decided to start phentermine again, luckily no side effects this time. I wanted to prove a point so I didn't eat all day (horrible, I know) and had a glass of water. 
Yesterday, came and went in about an hour, I swear I felt like I only had one hour all day. I made it to therapy and chatted 
Then got home long enough to veg out for that hour (I need to decompress after therapy...why is it, it makes me more depress 
Good luck 
What my mouth hung open for though, is that you stopped eating for a day because of it. Honey, you are better than that! Don't you dare give him all the power over you like that... 1) cause YOU should have the power over YOU... no one else... and 2) because that is a ton of pressure on him as your partner... i.e. "if I don't walk on eggshells she will lash out hurting herself"... not good! Now, I would also like to come down on him for his words, but don't know the circumstances it arose at - I will say this though... you said you were embarrassed to try and lose the weight... why on earth would you be embarrassed to make improvements on yourself? Sincerely I say... YOU are worth feeling good about FOR YOU. I am sorry he was insensitive - unfortunately the world around us can't always tune into when the proper time/place/and wording is, but if you want to do this, do it for YOU... feel good about YOU...and don't be ashamed, be determined/driven/motivated 
SO funny how things work. 
)
That's a workout in itself! 
