Hello, all.
This is the first time I think I have ever reached out to a support group for weight loss. I have quite a background, but I'll try to keep it brief (or else I'd post in the introductions section)
I have been overweight my entire life. Around age 20 after I had moved out and was living on my own, I dropped over the course of maybe 1.5 - 2 years a total of about 145 pounds through simple diet and exercise (my highest weight being 315 and my lowest being 170). It started out as a two-week trial to see if I really could lose weight, as I had been trying since I was 9 years old but never really understood the mechanics or gave anything a real chance. I did lose weight in two weeks, enough to keep me going and going until I eventually reached 170.
A few years later, I was no longer living alone as my then-boyfriend, now-husband, moved in with me. I did notice it was a lot harder to keep the weight off and silence my desires to indulge than when I was by myself. I am a stress eater, a boredom eater, and a celebration eater. Every special occasion, I want to eat - holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, even just heralding in the weekend on Fridays!
Anyway, after reaching 170 on the nose several times (soooo close to 169.9!), I spiked back up to 180. At that point, I was burned out from all the dieting and exercise I had been doing and I wanted to take a "break." During this period, I got back up to 205 pounds. When I was ready to lose weight again, I started back in doing the same things I had done before, only it didn't seem to be working as well this time around, so I saw my doctor.
My doctor put me on a program called Medifast. It worked really well aside from ultimately giving me gallstones and requiring a cholecystectomy (fun ) and got me back down to 170 pounds again before I hit rock bottom. Medifast essentially starves you and I was so restricted that when I finally rebelled against it, I rebelled HARD. REALLY. FREAKING. HARD.
It's been about a year or so since the whole Medifast fiasco and I now sit at 250-260 once more (I'm not 100% sure on the weight as I am far too ashamed and afraid to actually weigh). It's frustrating and frightening to watch myself gain so much back and so fast. I see my cheeks filling in and I see my collar bone disappearing once more. I see myself buying pants increasingly larger. All the while I'm mortified but feel like I am watching it all from a distance. The wrong part of me feels so in control that it's like I'm not in control at all.
I really want to take the reins again and get this weight back off, because I know I can! I did it before! Even if I am living with someone that causes me to trigger and desire food moreso than if I were on my own, I know I can do this.
I am finding that my biggest problem seems to be boredom and stress eating. When I am entertained, I forget to eat sometimes! When my husband is home from work, I find myself wanting to do nothing but eat (our marriage is wonderful, by the way, so I don't really know why his being home triggers me so much - still working on figuring that all out). I don't have nearly as much trouble when he is out at work.
But the worst part of all, and this is the part I have not learned to deal with, and the reason I signed up to a weight loss forum after all these years to finally ask for help is the voice I hear sometimes. When it rears its hideous head, it is constant, nagging. It does not shut up. All I hear is "go eat." I get flashes of different foods I know are in our cupboards. No matter how much I ignore it, no matter how much I tell it no, bargain with it, set specific times to eat, etc., it persists. It persists about every 30 seconds to a minute. It is like a baby crying. It almost always ends in me getting up to eat something (sometimes without even fully realizing it, like I've given up even listening to myself) just to shut that stupid voice up! Just to stop getting flashes of food in the pantry!
PLEASE help! I don't know how to get through those times or what to say or do. It feels like a very primitive part of me. Like maybe I've been saying "Okay" so long, it's just a natural part of me now, ingrained in my brain.
I have tried everything I can think of. I try to distract myself with other things I find interesting, I try to go for a walk or do an activity, I work on puzzles to stimulate my brain, I tell myself no, I try just a little of whatever it is I'm craving instead of the whole thing, I tell myself I can't eat right now but I can in X minutes/hours, I rant and rave about how upsetting it is to my husband, I write in a journal or vlog privately about it, I leave myself notes after I eat to read in trying times telling my future self how horrible it will make me feel if I give in...
None of that has seemed to work yet. I ALWAYS seem to end up eating, even though I am not hungry, just to stop the voice telling me to eat. Any advice on how to get through these most trying times will be greatly appreciated. Does anyone else have these horrific periods? It's almost like there's an invader in your brain trying to mind control you, it's so persistent. I hope I'm not the only one who has these!
I apologize for being so long-winded, but there has been a lot building up inside me for the last few years and I just needed a place to finally get it all out. I'm really just at my wits' end. If you have the patience to make it this far, bless your heart.