Quote:
Originally Posted by Isis21
To put it simply I feel like he WANTS me to gain the weight back. I have no idea why or even if that is whats going through his head but its how I feel. I can't think of another reason to want to keep stuffing crap in my face when I have asked him not to several times. rubidoux - you are probably right. I need to resign that even though he says he wants to, he just not into it.
By the way - I have not told him his work outs are lame and he is not putting effort into it. I have not told him that hes not working hard enough. I just listen to what he is saying and smile. That was purely me venting my own thoughts lol I should have put that into the post originally, I'm sorry for the confusion. When I did let him have it the other day it was about how I felt his comments were rude and I felt hurt that he would make such silly comments. It was also about him shoving bad food into my face even though I asked him not to. It was purely my feelings. It was not about his crappy eating or work out habits.
Thank you for your suggestions everyone.
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Even though you haven't SAID these things out loud, it's extremely likely that your boyfriend "heard" them anyway.
Smiling when you're angry or annoyed, usually doesn't come off as genuine. Unless you're a great actress, and your boyfriend is an oblivious idiot, I'd suspect that he knows that you don't think much of his efforts. I'd guess that he knows how little you respect his choices, and that you resent the fact that you believe you're working harder than he is.
Belittling your boyfriend's efforts (even if it's just in your head) isn't support. And if he feels you're not supportive of him, he's not going to be very supportive of you. If he feels your resentment, he probably has some resentment of his own. And even if you both are trying to be perfectly supportive of each other, it still may not feel that way.
I've learned that when you diet "together" with someone in the same household, resentment is almost inevitable. I wish I'd learned that when I was on diets with my mother (starting in kindergarten - I was my mom's "diet buddy"). I didn't realize it as a child, and I suspect my mother didn't consciously realize it either, but she would often pull us out of Weight Watchers or whatever plan we were following, when I was losing faster or better than she was.
I remember feeling "it's unfair" about her as well. And I found the same with my husband. We can't "diet together" without resenting all of the "it's unfair," moments.
My husband and I had to learn that the best way we can support each other more often than not, is to to stay out of each other's weight loss.
It's too easy to judge the other person by our own standards, and then feel resentment at anything that seems "unfair."
When my husband and I started going to the gym together when we first married - his idea of an average workout was 3 hours of intense effort. He'd walk for an hour, lift weights for an hour, and then swim for 45 minutess.
I could only do about 45 minutes in the pool. Sometimes I did complain to hubby when I felt I'd done something "hard."
I'm sure hubby sometimes resented when I complained, thinking I had it easy and shouldn't ever complain to him when I was doing 1/4 the workout he was doing.
And likewise I resented it when he complained, feeling that he was "rubbing it in" or saying that I had no right to complain when he was doing more work. Or I'd think "easy for you to say, when you can do four times as much as I do, it's like you don't think my efforts count at all."
Most of this we didn't SAY to each other, but we knew we were thinking it.
It "ruined" the gym experience for both of us, and it took seven years before we were willing to try again.
Now our positions are reversed. His degenerative joint disease has progressed (luckily not as quickly as predicted when at 17 he was told he'd be in a wheelchair by 35 - he's 41 and uses a cane in the winter).
Now he can't keep up with me. And we both still have difficulty providing the right amount and kind of support.
It doesn't matter whether your "hard" is as difficult as his "hard," if you can't support each other, then maybe the best way to support each other by staying out of each other's way.
My husband and I have tried to be supportive of each other, but it never works out that way. I resent that what seems difficult for me, isn't difficult (or doesn't matter) to him. He resents that what seems difficult for him isn't difficult (or doesn't matter) to me. Even when we try to be supportive, it can come off as being food-cop or nanny.
We can't MAKE each other fit our ideal. It wouldn't work, and it would just fuel more resentment.
We have learned that it's very counterproductive to judge the other person's journey. Often we're wrong in our perceptions, and even when we're not, it usually doesn't matter.
For a while now, I've been angry that hubby's eating habits are "less healthy" than mine. He's been telling me that he knows what he's doing and his upcoming blood tests were going to prove it.
After the blood tests, he showed me his lab reports, and every one of his tests showed tremendous improvements.
I should have been happy, right? Instead, I was very miffed that I'd been proven wrong. That what hubby was doing was working...
and then that got me mad. It "wasn't fair" that he could eat such crap and still see improvements in his lab work.
And this was all after we'd decided to stay out of each other's weight loss (we try, but it's a lot harder than it sounds).
Working on health and weight loss is really rough. Being supportive of someone else's weight loss is tough too. Sometimes you can't do both at the same time.
