I don't see why she isn't going to have a solid relationship because she doesn't know how to approach the issue? None of us were born knowing how to have a good relationship, it takes time, experience, and MISTAKES to learn how to approach things with a partner.

I agree that she should just be honest with him and say she doesn't want to go, because it's true, but approaching issues with a partner can be very difficult for some and she's not the first person to be unsure how to do it.

I think that women often think their relationship can't handle a "serious" conversation, but those are the BEST conversations to have with your partner because they ARE your partner afterall.

I don't think the relationship is doomed because they can't have the conversation about losing weight and eating healthier, but I do think it's a good opportunity to have that conversation with him and to get on track about what's healthy for both of you.

My boyfriend knows he's overweight. We both gained weight when we started dating and we didn't do much to lose it in the following years. Finally, I got sick (literally) and I realized how unhappy I was with my weight and my health and I decided to change.

It meant having this conversation with my boyfriend over and over again. He would bring me food as a sign of a love -- a cupcake here, some cookies there, whatever. I used to feel bad and eat those foods, knowing they were bad for my diet, bad for my health, because I couldn't reject his way of showing his love (and they tasted sooooo gooooood). But then I had to realize that I couldn't do that to myself either. I needed to really lose the weight and part of the process/journey was figuring out how to say no to him. And to separate the food from the love. He loves me and I love him, regardless of what we're eating!

He's finally at a point (2 years after I am) where he wants to change and lose weight and get healthier. I don't know if this is the real start of his own journey, but I hope it is.

In that time, I've made meals that are for me. If he wants to join me and eat my healthy food, he is welcome to do it. Otherwise, he has to fend for himself (and he often does). I made exercise classes a priority -- I will go to those classes except when I am sick or out of town. I won't skip class because he wants to do this or that -- he either has to wait for me to finish or do it on a day that it doesn't conflict.

It was hard to create these "healthy" boundaries, but I had to put my health first. I had to learn to say to no to him. I had to learn to have these conversations about how he helped (or DIDN'T) with his actions. He finally understood how important this is for me so he's been very supportive. He's bought work out clothes for me, he doesn't bring me as many cupcakes or cookies or junk as before, he looks for restaurants that have healthy options for me, and he helps me track my weight loss.

It's really a worthwhile conversation to have with your boyfriend because you will learn a lot more about each other and that's always a great thing. And who knows, he may also feel like he needs to lose weight too and you'll have someone that can support you through this.

Thanks for the morning bluntness JohnP. Always appreciated. :)

And PS. I did live with someone for many years who would far out-eat anything I could in snacks and heavy food and eventually he did put on a lot of weight. It was up to me to be responsible for my own healthy eating. I never even tried to question or change how he ate.

Another vote for just be honest. Tell him you're watching what you eat and those foods are trigger foods for you. As for getting him to change his ways? Well, only HE can do that. I've been down that road and there's nothing you can do to change a person until there ready (trust me, people tried to get me to change earlier when I wasn't ready either).

I started my weight loss journey over a year before my husband. Before that our weight has always fluctuated up and down together. We've gone on diets in the past together and always gave up together too. I TRIED like crazy to get him to start with me when I started and finally decided I needed to do it for ME and he had to figure it out on his own. Well, it worked. It was hard at first making changes when he didn't but I stuck to it and I'm now only 17lbs away from a healthy BMI, something that was almost unimaginable 1.5 years ago!

And you know what else? My husband is losing now too. :D He's made a lot of changes in his life and I think that it did help for him to see that I was successful so it would be possible for him too. I'm not really sure what it was that triggered him to change when he did but he's really determined to stick with him and he's been doing amazingly so far.

Moral of the story. You can't change people but sometimes you can inspire them.

I just want to start off by saying thank you to everyone who gave advice. I do appreciate it.

I do want to make something clear, however. It's not that I'm afraid or feel I can't talk to him about the issue. However I'm new to this as a problem and so as such I was hoping to get insight as to how other people have dealt with it. But to go so far as to say I won't have a solid relationship because of it is not advice. That's not productive or helpful in any way. But I can certainly respect JohnP's advice to just be honest. And thank you sacha for your response. It's what I was thinking but much more eloquently put.

Anyway, I have spoken to him about it and he was all for me getting healthy. We're going to try and have as much home cooking as possible and smaller portions. And I've made it clear what my goals are. Now I just have to stick to it.

You're all definitely right. It's up to him to make the decision to change. I just have to say go for it and watch him make those decisions himself. In the end I'll only be watching my own food intake. I'll absolutely try and have us go for walks. That's a great idea. Thank you all very very much. I'm so glad to see other people have been through the same thing! It's reassuring and motivating to read.

So for the umpteenth time thank you everyone! I'll take all your words to heart.

Yeah, again like you I know it is really my responsibility but my weight started climbing when I met my boyfriend and hasn't be very easy to shift. We both love junk food and hate exercise. His parents eat loads and used to give me huge portions which I felt bad not finishing. I think another reason for a lot of people subconsciously we keep our weight down in order to attract a male and said male acquired we stop making the effort. Thats my opinion.

Why not send him away for bit, my boyf is going a away for 8 weeks and I am hoping this I my opportunity to really shed the pounds, but its going to be hard work.

Just to make sure no one misunderstands where I am coming from.

Men are wired differently than women. You have to be direct with us. We are not good at reading between the lines. I can assure you of one thing. Your boyfriend has no idea his behavior is a problem for you.

My comment was designed not to be mean or make a judgement but simply to demonstrate how blunt you have to be with guys. We need to be smacked over the head. (Speaking figuratively of course.)

And with all due respect to you, JohnP, I find these statements highly sexist. Women are no better at mind-reading than men are, and it's just an excuse to let men off the hook if you say, "Oh, men can't handle subtlety, it must be the fault of the woman talking to them." Communication in a relationship is equally the responsibility of both partners, and that includes the listening side of things. Unfortunately, our culture promotes a very peculiar ideal of romance which involves a h*ll of a lot of unrealistic mind-reading in the name of blissful unity, presumably because the actual hard work of negotiating things in a relationship doesn't make for exciting films. Madame Bovary - How They Talked It All Out And Settled Down To Life The Same As Everyone Else Has To wouldn't have been much of a bestseller either. We all have to learn proper communication and negotiation when we go into relationships, and sometimes it's a long time before someone learns it and sometimes they never learn at all.

OP, your boyfriend is being a diet saboteur (which someone can do without being overtly unpleasant or even consciously recognising that they're doing it), and you're worried that you're not being nice enough about it? Stop feeling guilty about his actions, and start having proper conversations with him about it, because it sounds like too much is being unsaid here. Then try healthy snacks such as strawberries for noshing on together, and make sure that the portion size which ends up on your plate is what you want it to be before you sit down to eat. And on rereading this thread, I see you've already started talking together about this, which is great. Just keep on having these conversations, because there's bound to be the odd time when someone mishears, misunderstands or forgets what the other has said, and a big topic like this is very much one you need to keep working on.

My husband needs it blunt, too. He is bigger than me (6'2", a good foot taller!), more active than me, and doesn't have my boredom/emotional eating issues, either. What he can have without problem is a major issue if I do the same. Furthermore, he isn't a food enabler but he is always very generous at getting me whatever I ask for, be it a salad or Coldstone!

With these considerations in mind, I tell him clearly what I am trying to do (lose/maintain) and that I'll let him know if I need help. Certain trigger foods he knows I cannot have in the house, and so he respectfully keeps that stuff hidden. I have also had to accept that his plate is necessarily going to be fuller than mine and eating isn't a quantity contest ;)

When I tell him these things straight up, we have no confusion or misunderstandings. It makes it easier for him to know what I need or expect, and easier for me to not get disappointed or frustrated when he inadvertently tempts me with his choices. Communication on this and a million other subjects is the foundation of our happy, successful marriage. I suggest you practice it now, it's a life saver ;)

I am not blaming women for anything, nor letting anyone off the hook, nor assigning the power of ESP to women.

I'm talking about men and I'm saying the best way to communcate with us is to be very direct. That is all I am saying.:?:

I actually think this is an issue for many couples, or at least I've heard it from a number of female friends and acquaintances.

Yesterday my bf ate 11 plus mallomars, apple pie, 2 bowls of coco puffs, 2 brownies, a devil dog, lunch and dinner. He's not fat at all. I'm not saying that's healthy, and that I don't bring this up to him (yes, it probably reaches nag level). If I even vaguely ate like him I'd probably end up bigger than Jabba the Hut. He's incredibly active, exercises every day.

Since we eat together many of our meals and he does most of the grocery shopping, it comes down to negotiation and mindfulness. He's gotten very good about cooking healthy meals and having fresh fruits and vegetables on hand. Our eating has changed drastically (despite the above list, ha).

He doesn't always see my side of it. If he can eat all this stuff and not get, fat, why shouldn't I be able to indulge; I just need to exercise more and be reasonable about how I indulge. I didn't get to the be the size I am and much bigger by being reasonable about my indulgences.

the end note to that, I need to keep emphasizing to him what I need, and I need to handle my exercise and eating the way I know works for me. That balance is not perfect as yet, I can sometimes cave too easily to temptation. I think you will notice that your bf's eating habits will improve as yours do (though that's not always true for people).

It's not easy for anyone to change their habits, and if one side doesn't feel a particular need to, then it can be even tougher. that's why making needs clear, and continuing to emphasize them in words and deeds is important.

Hope that makes sense, I'm a little groggy today.

JohnP is 6'9" I am 5" even. If I were to eat the same servings he does I would soon surpass him in weight. The notion that we should all have the same amount of food on our plates is ridiculous. Only restaurants subscribe to that theory.

I agree with JohnP, in that you just need to let him know you have a new lifestyle and you will be embracing it. If he really wants to get fit as well, he will follow your lead.