Hey everyone, this might get long so please bare with me.
I went to my mom's this Sunday for dinner. We do dinner every Sunday because I am tight on money and it saves me some $$ and I always get to take home left over's. She knows that I am busting my butt to get this weight off and for awhile was making nice and healthy dinners for me. Lately that has changed now she is making things I probably shouldn't be eating, but instead I have a little and scale back my portions.
She has started making stupid comments about my new body. Sometimes its a compliment like "Your waist looks so tiny!" but most of the time its not. She has now started to call me "Anorexia" or "Anna" and waving chocolate in my face. I have asked her to explain how I am anorexic if I am eating every Sunday and I even indulge a little in a mini chocolate bar. She just says I am to focused on my calories. She was constantly on me about being fat before and now that I am getting thinner she's making comments about that! I can never be good enough
These are the comments that really hurt my feelings, last Sunday I bent over to pick something up and some of my muffin top was showing. Yes, I still have a small muffin top that I am working on. My mom of all people says "Look at all the extra skin! You know that will never go away!" Please keep in mind I am only 21, never had a child and was only 50lbs overweight to begin with. I havnt noticed any sagging skin so I was a little shocked! I looked at her and said "No mom, that's my muffin top" and she replies " No its not, its your loose skin" then runs her finger over my skin and says "Holy look at all these stretch marks!"
Thanks mom.... Now instead of being self conscious of being over weight I get to be self conscious about all my "loose" skin and stretch marks.... Ugh, I know she has always been like this but I can't get it out of my head.
Thanks for listening to my whining! I hope it made sense.
My boyfriends family was kind of the same way. You just will have to accept that there will be rude comments all the time or have a serious conversation about how your feelings are hurt. The passive aggressive thing to do is something like start trickling in comments back that counter the statements but it could turn into an argument. The bottling thing which is to not do anything at all will hurt you more in the long run.
Too many times our successes make our parents or others in general feel as though they failed in some way as they inwardly criticize themselves comparing their life to yours. This can cause resentment and they project their feelings about themselves onto you. I know it's hard...your mama is supposed to be your number one fan!! My mama struggled with this when I was younger (started being really mean tome about my weight when I was 8) but since I got engaged and now married she has changed her tune. Unfortunately all I can say is to believe in yourself and know that what she says isn't out of love or respect...and if it isn't spoken out of a place of love and respect it isn't worth listening too!
I'm sorry to hear about the negative and hurtful comments you had to endure. Please try to remember that you are doing this to better yourself. Your happiness and sense of self worth is what counts. Please don't let anyone discourage you.
I've found most people don't know how to empathize with those who have lost weight.
I think she doesn't really understand how such a comment could really hurt your feelings.
Also, she is trying to "feed you" - her mother instinct is going off, telling her that you are starving to death and need to be fed. Not rational, but many mothers do this (even though they simultaneously tell their children they need to be thin, it is contradictory).
Btw, give your skin time and lots of lotion. It normally also shrinks a bit (maybe not totally, but you'll be surprised at the difference after a year). I had terrible stretch marks, loose skin, etc. from being 230. I don't have any stretch marks at all anymore and the skin is a bit loose, but no one notices.
Weirdly, people who at first motivate us to lose weight only later demotivate us again. Just keep going, you're doing awesome well done on your loss so far!
I wish I had some advice other than telling her how much those comments are hurting your feelings.
Quote:
Originally Posted by melodymist
Weirdly, people who at first motivate us to lose weight only later demotivate us again.
I sincerely hope this isn't the case, because right now the people who motivate me are a major influence. We talk about our progress, goals and habits nearly every day!
I wish I had some advice other than telling her how much those comments are hurting your.
I sincerely hope this isn't the case, because right now the people who motivate me are a major influence. We talk about our progress, goals and habits nearly every day!
I'm so happy for you, that you found a support system! Keep those people close to you
It's really hard when people try and put you down, but eventually they'll come around: they have to. Just don't forget why you're doing this in the first place.
P.s. When you've lost all of the weight you want to lose, you can work on toning your body and tightening areas that bother you.
She sounds really passive-aggressive to me. Is she overweight herself, and thus jealous of your ability to change your body? I have heard that lots of moms in this age group (late 40's?) get jealous of their daughters who are in their teens or early 20's... sounds nasty and awful, but unfortunately too often true.
My sister can be hurtful too, for reasons I just can't fathom. When I was losing weight other times, she'd never say I looked good.. but when I gained it back, she's say later - "remember how thin and good you looked back when you did atkins?". On my wedding day, as we waited as a group with family to go into the restaurant for dinner (resort wedding), she actually grabbed a roll at my waist as I was sitting on a bench, and said 'is this from the baby'?? (I was 15 weeks pregnant at the time). ???!!!!
All this to say, even family members are capable of jealousy and saying really hurtful things. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it - it's really not pretty. But just hold your head high and be strong and proud. YOU know that you're doing wonderful things for yourself, you are making great decisions - others can think what they want.
I'm really sorry that your mother isn't supporting your current weight loss effort and is instead making hurtful comments. It's probably especially frustrating since as we get closer to goal it tends to be harder to lose weight and that's when we need the most support.
As a mother, I guess I'd add that it's sort of our job to be on the lookout for any possible threats to our offspring (a hard habit to break even when you're grown up). Anorexia has appeared on her radar screen as being a more likely threat than ill health due to obesity.
I think you might have a contructive conversation with her, telling her you appreciate her concern (even if you don't) but that your goal is to be healthy and share how her comments made you feel. If you get the message across that your goal is to be healthy, not thin at all costs, I'm guessing she'll start being more supportive. Maybe you could suggest trying some new healthy recipes together? More with a focus on whole foods, anti-oxidents, etc rather than specifically low calorie?
Dealing with family is tough, even when they care about you. Good luck!
I can relate to much of what you're saying. Some of my biggest supporters were at the gym I frequent (where I've been a regular for seven years now), but as I've gotten smaller and smaller their comments have slowly turned into hurtful ones. Not everyone is like that fortunately, but I've been hearing more of "Stop losing weight, you're a stick!" or "You need to stop starving yourself" than compliments. I've also been accused of taking diet pills.
I've come to ignore them, but it does become difficult. Luckily I do have supportive friends and a supportive fiancee to lean on and I have this forum. Remember, you've always got this forum. It's full of people who are supportive and encouraging!
Regarding the lose skin, I've come to realize that what I've got on my gut is probably that. I'm not much older than you (23) and I've lost 60 pounds...and it's there. Not sure if more weight loss will help that or if I should just stop and let my skin adjust (I hear it can take some time for your skin to catch up, if at all) or accept that it's probably going to be there unless I'm willing to go under the knife (I'm not).
It is really common to get these kinds of reactions from people (even our beloved families) when we have achieved a weight loss. There are lots of reasons why they do it, I guess. Honestly, just chalk it up to things you don't need to worry about and when mom starts, smile like the Mona Lisa and realize she is doing it because of something inside her and it doesn't have so much to do with your weight loss as whatever issue she has that is prompting it.
It really is very usual to get these kinds of comments. Don't take it personally. You have done a great job! Congratulations!
Just because she is your mother doesn't give her the right to talk about your weight. I would point that out to her. Also, ask her how she would feel if you pointed out her flaws. I understand she is your mother and we should respect our parents, but in this case she is out of line. She needs to be corrected. I would stop going over there on Sundays too. Let her know why. You only weigh 147? You are a great size. Keep up the great work!
Very Hurtful Comments - Small Vent
well done on your loss so far!
