Scared of triggers

  • I've been doing quite well lately, and am proud of myself. However, today I found out that a certain person (a guy, go figure) I didn't plan on seeing again for the longest time, will be in the same city as me in less than a month. While I knew of this possibility, I felt like not knowing for sure made me more relaxed. Now I know for sure. And I am nervous about it, because I don't know how things will go.

    I am scared of my nerves making me overeat and so on. It happened in the past. I wanted to look great when I saw him, but that whole 'doing it to look good for him' put so much pressure on me that I never did it. Now I am losing weight for me. But- this added 'trigger' throws my whole perspective off. While I am telling myself I am doing it for myself, I am afraid that now I will do it for him.

    Any advice on how to stay on track when I have this event ahead of me? How do I keep focused? How do you truly not lose it for others, but for yourself?
  • I can sort of relate. I'm not sure, I would need a few more details.

    1. Is he someone who has rejected you in the past or treated you badly?
    2. Is he someone you liked but never noticed you, and you believe he didn't notice you because of the extra weight?
    3. When he gets into town, what do you expect - that you will meet him for a dinner or for many dinners?

    Ultimately, Are you worried about rejection or the opposite?

    It is actually therapeutic to say/write your exact fears (not generalizations), this will help you understand your own angst better (it really works).
  • The fact that you said you were doing this for you stood out in your post. Don't let this idea change in your mind. Even if you have to repeat it a lot.

    I know about the pressure. I tried to lose 15 pounds for a trip I was taking and I only managed half that. I was so upset about this mini goal all the time!

    Now that I'm not working towards any specific goal, like 10 pounds by whenever, I feel a lot more relaxed. Goals are good, unless they stress you out. Then they sort of work against you.

    This is for you! Good luck!!
  • Twinleten, I totally agree. It's so much easier without the pressure. I will keep the me in sight.

    Unna...yes to question nr 1, which sort of encompasses question 2. He was a lover who rejected me after a while, said he doesn't find me attractive anymore. At that point I was so in denial about the weight gain that I thought it was everything else (how does someone suddenly go from finding you amazing for months, then not see you for a while, and next time he sees you tell you that?). He never mentioned the gain per se...It's a super tricky situation because we live in different cities, and he apologized/revoked what he said (said it would be easier to hurt me that way than to deal with the issue that the relationship was going nowhere, but I still don't believe it. Someone says that to you once, it doesn't help if 50 guys come after who tell you you're'll believe the one who said you're not).

    2. We have a really strong bond and a lot of mutual friends as we were friends to begin with. I expect to see him frequently. I just want him to have that jaw drop moment when he sees me first. I think I'm getting there, but in a month, if I play my cards right, it will be even better. But a month can also be enough to ruin all progress I've made.

    I'm really, really worried about him flirting with other women, or us getting into more fights. But most of all, I am worried about feeling unattractive to myself- feeling like I failed to be the best I can be at that moment. If I can take the weight out of the equation, as a factor that influences things in my life, I can focus on what is before me, and we can both see if there's any future at all.

    It's so depressing recounting the whole thing with him. I try not to think about what he said, because I know why he said it (he's one of those jerk people who will hit you where it hurts the most when the going gets tough), but I feel there's always a degree of truth in everything people say.

    Sighhhh. At least, I bought a pair of size 8 jeans from the GAP and could have bought the 6's if I had been brave enough. That should be enough to cheer me up for a couple of days