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Old 10-27-2011, 01:37 PM   #16  
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It might break your heart if she leaves you over nagging her. Nagging never works, you may mean well but she will only resent your interferance.

Last edited by bargoo; 10-27-2011 at 02:22 PM.
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Old 10-27-2011, 01:58 PM   #17  
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One nice place to start could be to make a romantic routine out of an evening walk (and not to Baskin Robbins!!) Walking is amazing exercise. When I was a teenager, I noticed that the days I walked the 1.5 miles round trip to junior high, my weight stayed steady, even tho I was growing. It could become something you both look forward to and perhaps then you can incorporate in small changes for yourself as an inspiration -- like also going for a morning jog, playing basketball with friends, etc. She may well feel overwhelmed and not have any tools at all. I remember feeling hopeless as a teen because I honestly did not know how to lose, and had no control over what food came into the house. Also, if you have a Whole Foods nearby, they often offer cooking demos and store tours that are fun, educational, free, and include free samples and an opportunity to meet lots of healthy-minded new friends!
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Old 10-27-2011, 02:09 PM   #18  
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I agree. Inspire her. Get in the best shape you can be in. I can tell you from experience that my husband losing 50 lbs and getting in the best shape of his life was one of the biggest reasons I started this journey. I want to be the best I can be for him and myself so we can live a long, healthy life together.
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Old 10-27-2011, 02:11 PM   #19  
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It's lovely that you care for her so much - you're going to make a great husband.

ESPECIALLY if you heed the words on here - DON"T mention her weight, whatever you do! She will get defensive, angry, depressed, start second-guessing your motives etc. I love the idea from pp to start making healthy choices yourself (without going on about it) to inspire her to do the same. Start an evening walk, cook healthy meals, don't buy junk for movie nights, just low-fat popcorn etc.

And above all, tell her repeatedly how much you love her and how beautiful she is.. fill her tank! That way, she'll feel like she has the best guy in the world already, so no need to worry about that - instead she can concentrate on other things (like maybe getting healthy!).

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Old 10-27-2011, 02:24 PM   #20  
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wow, you are in a tought spot, you should either get a new girlfreind, or just love the one you are with. Every women who is overweight knows she is overweight, when I was thin with my ex husband all he did was comment on how I looked, he was jealous when I looked good but always commented on how I looked negativley. I grew to resent and hate him and hate myself. Now 80 pounds later I accept myself and try everyday to eat right and at least I get the exercise part right. You will only make her feel bad if she thinks you dissaprove of her even if you say it is for her health.
this is a no win situation for both of you.
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Old 10-27-2011, 02:30 PM   #21  
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I agree with everyone on here. And I don't think you mean it in a bad way either. You love her, obviously, so I do agree with everyone here and say that maybe setting a good example is the best way to go.

Workout, show her that you're getting fit (fitter if you already are) And hopefully it will convince her. There is no way of getting anyone to do anything they don't want to do, so if you try and get her to do it chances are you're only going to push her away further.

Good luck, and if you love her unconditionally, this shouldn't matter.

I'm sure she'll one day realize that her health may be in danger and she'll want to do it for herself. I know I did.

Good luck!!
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Old 10-27-2011, 05:06 PM   #22  
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Originally Posted by FunSize View Post
If I were you, I would inspire her. When you are with her, choose healthy foods. Eat what you would want her to eat. Do you excercize at all? Why not invite her on long walks or ask her to start jogging with you because YOU want some support, etc.

I think healthy habits are contagious. I know it is in my household. My husband has slowly started eating very healthy over the past 6 years. We both inspire each other to make better decisions. When I want to pig out and I see him eating a lean turkey burger with veggies, it makes me second guess my choices. He is a good role model for me, and I am to him as well.

My husband has never once come out and told me I should lose weight. It would of BROKEN my heart if he did. But he knows I've been trying to lose weight for the past 4 years. Him saying anything would of been like pouring salt into a fresh wound.
The best thing he did, even though he didn't need to lose any weight, was inspire me through his own actions.
This is great advice. Women can be very fragile so expressing a concern about her weight will probably do harm to your relationship. Follow the above posters recommendation and she should eventually follow.

Good for you, for caring about her health though.
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Old 10-27-2011, 07:36 PM   #23  
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I know you don't want to hear this , you asked us not to tell you that you can't change her so I won't tell you that. She may very well resent you for suggesting she needs to lose weight, no matter haw tactfully you put it. She might think that you think she is not good enough for you as she is.
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Old 10-27-2011, 08:49 PM   #24  
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I know you mean well because you're exactly like my husband. He has the same worries because I already have GERD and its worse now because of my weight. I agree with everyone though that mentioning it to her will not help. My husband tried to mention my weight to me a few times and I got defensive and depressed just as a PP pointed out and I was embarrassed and it just doesn't go over well and it wont motivate her.

I think the PP's have given great advice, just encourage her to go on a walk with you. My husband and I took romantic strolls on the beach before he left for deployment and it was really nice.
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Old 10-27-2011, 09:49 PM   #25  
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If you want to help your girlfriend, you're not going to discover how by asking us.

Weight loss is complicated, and it's different for every person. We're not all fat for the same reasons, and our solutions aren't all the same either.

To find out how to help your girlfriend, you have to ask HER.

And if you don't ask in the right way, she's not going to want your help. And even if you do ask well - it doesn't mean you're qualified, able, or knowledgeable enough to be of much help. She also may have had such terrible experiences with well-intended (and not-so-well intended) offers of help, that she's not going to feel good about you bringing it up, no matter how you bring it up (which is why - as I later explain more thoroughly it may be best to approach this as a mutual goal you can work on together - and I don't mean both of you working on changes only she will be making).

I've had a lot of people try to help me, and sometimes I was even very open to the help - but it never helped. And it wasn't because "I wasn't ready" or "because I had to change for me," it was because I was fighting the disease the best I could, and failing any way.

Mostly because the people trying to help me didn't know any more about obesity than I did - in fact, usually they understood a lot less, because I've been fighting obesity since I was 5 years old.

It's really frustrating to be fighting a disease that you've been researching for a lifetime and to have some well-meaning idiot suggest "just eat less," or "skip dessert."

By the time I was 12, I probably could have written a diet book (I had read every one in my town's public library).

So getting advice from people (even if their heart was in the right place) who didn't have a clue, was very frustrating.

I do consider obesity a disease, but you don't help someone with a disease by telling them they need to get rid of the disease (most already know that, and are trying the best they can - if they haven't given up because nothing they tried worked).

Support in weight loss is extremely helpful, but often the help can't come from those close to us. My husband and I are both trying to lose weight, but except in some rare instances, we're lousy support for the other - because we have different strengths and weaknesses and different ideas about how weight loss should be done - so "help" feels a lot like judgemental nagging or worse hypocritical nonsense (and we both end up thinking: Hey buddy, fix yourself before you fix me).

If you're overweight at all yourself, or have any unhealthy habits at all (drinking, smoking or substance use, a little pudge yourself, a sedentary lifestyle, a history of poor judgement in relationships or finances, a high-salt, low-veggie or junk-food diet even if hasn't affected your weight...) criticism is going to feel hypocritical to your girlfriend.

If you have any weight to lose yourself, suggesting you both join a group like TOPS might work (if you can do from the perspective of "let's get healthy together" rather than "we need to fix you.")

Or suggesting that you both work on health improvement together and ask for her input on what YOU could do to get healthier and what you can do to help her (but if you think you don't need any improvement at all yourself, she's going to see through that).

Even if you're not overweight, you could suggest going to the gym together, and eating healthier, and making other healthy changes.

But if all the focus is on her changing, and only on changing her weight, it's going to come across as judgemental BS.

For me to succeed, I had to stop making it about weight loss, because the ways I was trying to lose weight weren't effective, safe, or healthy. For me, I had to make it about health, independent of weight. In fact, I decided to only make changes that I was willing to commit to forever, even if no weight loss resulted at all.

When I made it about weight alone, it was too easy to try to lose the weight by means so extreme that they were destined to backfire (and destroy my health).

Even though my husband and I both need to lose weight, we can't talk about "weight" or "diet" without driving each other insane. We have very different issues with our weights and succeed by different methods, so our best support is staying out of each other's way.

I didn't realize that I was just as lousy at being supportive of hubby as he was for me, when I realized that he had lost as much weight as I had - by doing almost the opposite of what I had to do to lose weight.

One thing that we have been able to do successfully, is joining the gym, but even there we had to learn to stay out of each other's workouts.

Of utmost importance, you can't come to your girlfriend in the spirit of "let's fix you (by the way I'm fine and I don't want to make any changes myself)"

I'm not saying you would - but it is pretty common in relationships. I've had family members and close friends try to fix me, but when I made the slightest suggestion that they could use a similar fix (so we could maybe work together) or maybe a different fix entirely I got the clear message from them "this isn't about fixing us, it's only about fixing you."

No one wants to be someone else's DIY project. If one partner is trying to fix the other, but doesn't want any criticism coming THEIR way - it never works out well.

So first and foremost, remember that if you want to put your girlfriend's weaknesses under a microscope, you have to be willing to put your own (or be ok with your girlfriend dragging them) out there too.

I think you might have some success if you raise the issue of health as a couple's project for both of you. I'd avoid making it specifically about your girlfriend or specifically about weight loss.

I know I would have been a lot more open to my friends and family saying
"Do you think we could work on getting healthier together," instead of all the various ways they said "You're broken, you need to be fixed," or "how can I make you into what I want you to be?"

If you're as willing to work on changes yourself, you may be able to do this together - but it involves a lot of asking how to best help. Or asking if she even wants your help and what help would look like (that's why you can't ask us how to help, only your girlfriend can tell you how you can help and even if she wants your help.

A mutual project of working on a common goal of better health for both of you, in which you ask each other how you can best help each other (and both give feedback on what you each find helpful and unhelpful) makes a lot more sense than a fix-her project.

But even if you do both agree to such a mutual project, it's still not risk free. You both will be at risk to feel criticised and pressured into changes you may not feel ready for.

But don't dish it out if you aren't prepared to take some as well.

Last edited by kaplods; 10-27-2011 at 09:53 PM.
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Old 10-27-2011, 09:53 PM   #26  
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Oh my goodness...please do not show her this thread, as someone here had mentioned. That is one sure way to get her ticked off.

I understand your concerns. My husband was slightly overweight a few months ago. He has hypertension and is taking 2 pills a day for this for this. His father died of a stroke due to diabetes and his mother at age 56 from colon cancer. Few people on his side of the family live to see over 70 (hubby is 57), but most of them are very heavy or obese to be honest.

Anyway, he is very sweet and always supports me with my dieting and exercising, but never tells me that I need to lose weight. Well, I noticed that when I do eat better, he eats better to support me.

But recently he has lost about 20 pounds and is now within 5 pounds of his goal weight and feeling great. What got him serious about losing this time? I showed him a picture on the computer of him and my poodle puppy from a few months ago. Okay, yes, I did it on purpose because the angle of the photo made his stomach and double chin look much worse than they do in person. All I told him when he saw the picture was, "Aww...look how small Gigi was, honey." He only said, "Oh, my God!" After that, he started watching his portions more and cut out the white carbs. Now he's in size 32 pants.

I know my husband. He is a very stubborn man. Someone who will not go to the doctor or denist for yearly/bi-yearly exams no matter how much I'd plead with him. It was very frustrating. So I did what I did because I knew if I told him, "Hey, I noticed you're putting on weight. You'd better take care of that because I don't want you to die young like the rest of your family," he'd give me one of those mind-your-business looks.

Say what you will, but I'm glad I did that. He is now healthier, his blood pressure is down, he has energy like I've never seen before and he is loving all the compliments he gets daily from him customers. In fact, when anyone asks him how he lost the weight, he always starts with, "Well, my wife showed me this picture..." LOL

That being said, you can't make someone want to lose weight, but you can (without saying a word) encourage them by being a role model.

Last edited by sandcar150; 10-27-2011 at 10:17 PM.
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Old 10-27-2011, 11:16 PM   #27  
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well, however you decide to approach this, do be sure to let her know how beautiful you think she is in every way that you can. were i in her position, and my partner were trying to encourage me to lose weight, i would become defensive and assume that they were approaching me about it because they found me aesthetically displeasing rather than for reasons concerning my health. assure her that this is not the case.
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Old 10-28-2011, 11:20 PM   #28  
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The best thing you can do is not draw attention to it (she'll resent you) but try to create an environment that supports weight loss. Maybe ask her to join you on a walk a few nights a week or something. If you live together, make sure you only bring healthy food into the house. Instead of going out for meals try a new healthy recipe or something...Lead by example.

If she feels better (and even drops a few pounds) she'll feel motivated to continue.

Or if she's happy with her body and feels she has no reason to lose weight she'll revert back to what's comfortable. You can't make her do anything or even encourage her really. She has to bring it up.
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