Some men just don't know how to deal with what they consider 'womens issues' stuff like weight loss and periods lol, so if they don't think about what they're saying before they say it, they can sound like total idiots in their attempts to be supportive. I don't think he was trying to be mean, but if it really upset you maybe you could sit him down and ask him why he said it? its the only way you're going to find out what he meant by it.
Think of it like this, at least you didn't end up in my situation where he told you he thought that you looked like you needed to lose more than you actually did. That didn't do my ego any good at all!
Last edited by IsobelRose22; 10-17-2011 at 04:28 AM.
I was offended so I said "Actually, I'm quite happy with how I look right now." (A lie, but sometimes, a lie makes you feel more in control). And he said "Yeah, whatever makes you happy"
I guess I wished he said "You look awesome just the way you are", but...too many men are Daniel Cleavers and not enough are Mark Darcy. Bridget Jones raised my expectations from men to unattainable heights.
Most likely he never meant it as an insult. Guys say stupid things sometimes....even Mark Darcy did that. (Remember the "I like you just as you are" scene when Bridget was leaving the dinner party).
Last edited by canadianwoman; 10-17-2011 at 04:21 AM.
When I mention ANYthing about my weight, my husband gets this in-a-far-away-land look on his face and just stops speaking. Sometimes he'll utter something like "you look beautiful...you look beautiful no matter what" or something in a monotone automatic response kind of way. Quite honestly, it's become an inside joke between us. Before, I SO wanted the same support from him about my weight struggle, my body insecurities, my food problems, etc that I got from my girl friends and here on 3FC. I wanted him to take me in his arms and give a detailed description of what was so beautiful about me and so on and so on. Well, I guess, actually, I didn't exactly know what words I wanted to hear from him. I just know every time I brought my weight up, he gave me either an insulting or unsatisfactory reply. Because neither of us knew what the correct reply was, lol.
I have learned that discussing weight issues is great and helpful around girl friends who want to talk about it (not all do). They share the same mentality we do, and almost always know exactly what to say. Guys just don't. Not because they're "dumb boys" or "insensitive jerks," they just don't think about it the way we do. They don't know what answer we want from them, and I know I personally don't know what answer I expected from my husband.
My hubs is an Army officer, and sometimes he vents to me about how he didn't see enough action and he wasn't in the thick of the violence where he felt like he could prove himself. As his wife, I'm glad he wasn't, so I tell him that I never want him to be in "the action." But when he talks to his Army buddies, they all get it. They have a different way of thinking about it. It's healthy and normal for them to talk about it because they understand each other. There's simply no way for me to give him the correct response or what he wants to hear when he brings it up to me. He's learned that just like I've learned that he'll never be able to give me the correct response when I bring up my weight.
So when I want to win an argument or just want to get him to stop speaking (LOL) I say something like "Sweetpea, am I looking any bigger? I gained like 5lbs on our trip!" And he goes quiet, haha. Like I said, it's just an inside joke, he knows I'm joking at this point when I bring it up, he makes his robot/automatic response face, and then we giggle about it. He encourages me to talk about it with my girl friends and really means it when he says I'm beautiful.
AAAAAnyways, that whole long spheel for.......men just don't get it. They don't know the correct response. If you told a girl friend that you lost 15lbs and are in the process of losing more or obviously if you told 3FC, you would get the textbook right answers, probably exactly what you wanted and needed to hear.
He didn't mean to insult you. He's not dumb or insensitive (at least based on this comment). He just has a male brain and they process things differently than we do.
First of all.... (because we ALL need one every now & then!!)
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Originally Posted by MustardFan
That led to talking about my quest for becoming fitter (I know, bad decision right there). I told him how I dropped 15lbs (no one seems to be able to notice I lost weight!!! It bothers me so much) and run every day. He said "That's awesome. Keep going. What do you have, another 20 to go or?"
I wasn't upset.
I guess I was, since I am writing this.
Ok, I was upset.
In all fairness! - YOU opened the can of worms. Your stats DO INDICATE you have "another 20 to go". And did you not hear his "that's awesome/keep going" part of the comment? - you focused on the other part of the comment. EXAMINE THAT... think about it for a minute....
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I thought I looked really good that night. I am easily fitting into size 8's and my stomach looks tight and nice. I no longer have a double chin. And yet...that made me think that maybe I am the only one who thinks I look better.
So WHAT IF you WERE the "only one" who thinks you look better? Think about that for a minute. If *YOU* think you look better - then THAT IS ALL that really matters!
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I am within the normal range for my height, and my body fat percent isn't terrible and yet- I get comments like that. And I don't think he was trying to be mean.
I don't think he was trying to be mean either. But I think you took it the wrong way because you didn't get an obligatory "you look fine the way you are!" kind of comment. And again, look back... you didn't focus on the "that's awesome/keep going" part of the comment - just the other part.
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I don't know where I'm going with this, but I basically spent the entire day feeling like a loser.
My advice? EXAMINE THAT. Right there - "spent the entire day feeling like a loser" - because of one, simple, no-harm-intended comment. This speaks volumes about your personal feelings of yourself - YOUR body image, YOUR self image. And to keep the weight OFF once you are done losing it, you will need a strong "frame of mind" - a strong SELF IMAGE, one that doesn't allow other people's comments - whether good or bad - to "make you feel" like a loser for a whole day. Remember that phrase "nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission" - this is what it means.
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I just want some support, since you guys are so good at that. LOVE!
You got it girl! YOU ARE DOING FANTASTIC on your weight loss journey! Remember to PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK and SMILE AT YOURSELF in the mirror!!! You are worth it!!! You're looking good, feeling better, and you have proven to yourself that YOU CAN DO THIS! I say
I've got a lot of guy friends, and honestly, the thing with men is that they want to "fix" things. He was probably being his version of "supportive." If you talk to another woman about a problem, she will commiserate with you. It's because we have this magical ability to empathize that men are a bit worse at. But most *smart* men learn their roles, too. My bf congratulates me when I lose weight and pretends to notice even when he probably doesn't : P The guys at work know that when I tell them not to let me near the mozarella sticks, I mean it, and when I say I'm trying to build up my arms, they try to show me exercises I can do. A guy who's not romantically interested in you will almost never say "you don't need to lose weight" or "you look just fine," and some of the ones who ARE romantically interested in you just won't understand what's helpful to say and what isn't.
I had a similar thing happen to me when I was 17 (feels like yesterday). I had gotten down to 130lbs from 185lbs in about a year. I was in the break room drinking a diet coke. A co-worker comes up to me and says "Why are you drinking diet coke?" and I said "I like it, plus I am on a diet" and he says.. "Nah, you don't need to lose any weight.. well, maybe 5 pounds".
Men can be such idiots! That comment ruined my next few months!! Never forgot it.
Beach Patrol, your dissection of my post was SUPER helpful. Thank you for that! and Thanks everyone for sharing their thoughts on this.
I think some men think that since we already KNOW they find us attractive, it will do no harm to say something like that. This person is a nice guy, recently I went out with another guy who raved about how hot he thought I was but turned out to be a total jerk. He knew how to say all the right things but in practice wasn't..very practical haha.
I think what I learned from this experience is that:
-I will no longer elaborate on my exercise goals, even if that means politely rejecting something and not explaining why.
-I will not let other people's opinion of me guide how I feel.
Easier said than done. But that's what this journey is all about- doing things. That's the only way to see result.
Oh men can be so clueless or just plain a**holes...
Last fall I went through awful adventures in online dating and the things guys will say/do because you met online and they've decided they're not going to see you again...
"Your profile said you ran a marathon, but you're really fat"
"I don't normally like fat chicks, but you're pretty nice, but not my type"
"I guess average is a subjective term"
...and on 2 separate dates I had guys get my on scales, once at the science centre where he quickly did the conversion from my weight on Mars to my weight on Earth and never called again..and then another guy who dumped me after months of dating when he had to know my weight to take me up flying in a two-seater plane with a weight restriction.
I never weighed more than 165lbs during any of these dates, and I'm so put off on men and dating now! LOL
Prairie Girl, are you serious!?!?! That's just insane. I never thought that people can be so mean. I really feel for you, men can be such jerks. I think any guy who will be put off by a girl's weight doesn't have enough confidence in himself. I'm sure you look great.
I've never done online dating, but that just baffles me.
Here's what works for me. I tell my husband what I want to hear and he says the things I need.
So, if I am feeling down on myself, and I need an ego boost, I'll tell him I need to hear I'm attractive. So, immediately after that and a few other times that day, he will say something positive about my appearance.
Other days, I'll feel too complacent and in danger of blowing my program. Then I ask him to (gently) remind me of certain flaws. This one is trickier, but it's along the lines of "could loose a few more pounds" or "would look better in that dress if I lost a little more" etc.
Sometimes, I've even had to tweak the level (e.g. "need more" or "ok, too far").
Seriously, I've learned that if I want something (anything) I should ask for it and give up on expecting him to be a mind reader. I did have to give up on that romantic notion early on, but once I was over that, things worked out so much better. He is very willing to accomodate me, and makes a big effort to please, but he needs to be shown how to do that.
To the OP, sorry that this was off-topic. I know you aren't in this kind of mature relationship. But my point is that even guys who want to please you may not know what to do, and you might need to lead them by the nose when you reach that level of relationship.
Prairie Girl, are you serious!?!?! That's just insane. I never thought that people can be so mean. I really feel for you, men can be such jerks. I think any guy who will be put off by a girl's weight doesn't have enough confidence in himself. I'm sure you look great.
I've never done online dating, but that just baffles me.
Oh yeah, online dating was a nightmare for me. I don't think I'd ever try it again even though I see no other way to meet guys as everyone at my work is too old for me and/or married, and everyone at school is too young for me and/or behaves like a child. The thing I never understood was that my profile said I was average size (which I was, average woman is 5'4" and 165lbs) and contained a full body picture of myself. Why even talk to me if you know that I'm too fat for your tastes? I will never understand men.
I even forgot one. I had one guy that I went on one date with and I decided I wasn't interested in seeing him again so I sent him a message saying that it was nice to meet him, but that I didn't think we were a good match and good luck with his search. He sends back an angry message saying he wouldn't date a whale anyway.
These men behaved worse than the small children who teased me all through elementary and junior high school, just ridiculous.
Many men seem clueless on weight loss. He probably just said a number and has no idea what it means. You could lose 5lbs and he'd think you lost 20lbs. He's probably just clueless all around. I completely agree with Beach Patrol.
Guys are so wierd like that sometimes, the other day I told my husband I lost 4 pounds for the week, he said that's good how much do you weigh, I told him more than you, he asked me again how much I weighed, I told him laughing none of your business, he said laughing, a wife should not keep secrets from her husband, I then told him 125 give or take, he then said that sounded about right. Gotta love him.
(because we ALL need one every now & then!!)
