"You're healthy, but..."
 

I guess this is more of a vent/rant than anything else.

Like many others here, I've had so many issues in the past with my mother in terms of losing weight. At 150 lbs in high school, she was constantly nagging me about losing weight, despite the fact that I was perfectly healthy and actually looked pretty darn good! Now, at 24 years old, it's still a constant struggle with her. My main issue is that it's not about health for her, it's all about looks. It's like she wants me to be this perfect, supermodel person that I'm never going to be.

For instance, the other day we were talking about weight (yet again). She actually said to me, "You've lost enough weight to be healthy, but you're not where you need to be." Let's be clear, I'm still overweight and not technically at a healthy weight. But WTF?? Once I actually am a healthy weight, shouldn't it be MY decision about where to stop? It just frustrates me to no end that health is never going to be good enough. In fact, I feel as though the only way I'll be good enough is if I'm a size 2.

I feel like that's why I've failed so many times at this whole weight loss thing...it was never about health, only looks. Now, it's about health to me (with a little vanity thrown in). That's why I've lost 50 lbs. But somehow, the 50 lb loss doesn't matter b/c I'm still "not where I need to be".

Anyway, sorry for the long post. I guess it's just difficult when the person you're closest to in life will probably never see you as good enough.

I understand. My Mom, thank God, is not usually too judgmental about my weight. But she did look at me one day and say "You're getting FAT!". Well, she was right, but still. Not cool.

Do you think she knows how much these comments hurt you? Maybe it's time for a conversation?

:hug:

This really sounds like it`s 100% HER issue NOT yours. I'm going to take a stab in the dark here and guess she'll been on a lot of diets herself too? It really does sounds like she's projecting her own body image issues on you. :(

FWIW, I had a relative do that to me once. I had put on a few pounds and was probably just into the overweight BMI range. She made a HUGE deal about it and how I HAD TO LOSE WEIGHT. Ugh. I got pretty upset and told her to stop. She's snuck it in a few times since then but I realize it's HER problem. She's the one who has been yo-yo dieting for years and it's her way of dealing with it. It's not the best thing in the world and it's hard to hear but it was freeing for me to realize that she was really talking about herself, not me.

I think we have the same mother. I grew up with a narcissistic mother who wanted me to be nothing but perfect, and a little size 5 all the while she would stuff food down my throat and make fun of my weight.

I could go on and on and on about all the horrible things she does, says etc.. even to this day! But it's her. She won't ever change. I will never get what I need emotionally from her. Just like you may never hear how happy your mother is that your HEALTHY. In my 34.5 years on this planet, I have realized something. Looking at my past relationship with my mother and her behaviour it has always been the same. I have been hoping all these years for something deep and emotional and supportive from her. But she simply doesn't have it in her to give. So now, I just don't expect it and I distance myself from her emotionally. Because in all honesty as soon as I let her in she finds a way to hurt me yet again and it then effects my emotional eating and that voice in my head that repeats "If my own mother doesn't accept me for who I am then why should I?"

Don't listen to that voice, or to your mother. Your doing this for YOU and YOUR health, let her gab away and simply end the conversation with her about weight issues. Obviously this is a topic that opens something emotional for you, and if you know you will never get what you need from her to say the right things, then don't even bring it up anymore.

I am SO MUCH happier after doing this with my mother. Does it still hurt...yup, but I grieve what we should have had now instead of internalize it cause that will only hurt me....and it will hurt you too.

xoxo

ETA: Oh your avatar pic....you already are a flower hun, you just don't see it like everyone else does :)

Oh, sweetheart. Please don't let your mother distract you. While I am sure she is well intentioned, her actions can derail your weightloss. May I just say I am DAMN proud of the weight you have lost and know the commitment it has taken for you to get there.

Can you just ignore her? I know she is your mother, and you love her and respect her, but comments like that do nothing to bolster your self-esteem.

I'm sorry, I know that comments like that really can hurt!!!

You know, I think I would tell her that you don't want to discuss weight with her again. Ever.

Your mom still sees you as her child, so she thinks she can simply tell you her opinion without repercussions.

You are bothered because you think she should change because you have reached your 20s. (I assume you're in your 20s from your user name.)

You might want to tell her, politely and kindly but firmly, that you are an adult now, and she should not say anything to you that she wouldn't say to one of her adult friends. If she says, "But you're my daughter!" you probably need to say, "But I'm no longer a child, and I don't want to be treated as such."

This message will have to be repeated a few times... her behavior is not going to change instantly. And, neither is yours! You'll have to learn how to counter what she is saying without behaving in an angry way.

Oh, and by the way, you may never change her opinion. She may always see you as not quite ____ enough (thin, pretty, short, tall, buxom, etc.). But as others have said, that's her problem, not yours--unless you buy into it!

Jay

Thanks so much for the advice and support. I know you guys are right...I just need to realize it's her problem. I've tried to talk to her about how her comments make me feel...it usually ends up getting really heated and emotional, with both of us getting defensive. I guess I'll have to just stop talking to her about weight loss period. It's hard though, b/c she's the one person I feel is interested enough to discuss weight loss at all. But I think that would probably keep me from feeling like I do now, so I'll give it a try!

You have done an outstanding job losing the weight you have. This is about YOU and no one else. Its about the way you feel and how you see yourself. I am 45 years old and JUST started dealing with my weight. My mom always commented on it but was just worried because both of my grand parents had diabetes and didn't want me to have to deal with that. I have always been a big girl since I was small, and was the biggest girl in school. My mom has been my biggest supporter now. She is very proud of me for making the decision to lose the weight. She knew she could push me as hard as she wanted and say the things she said BUT until I was ready it wasn't going to happen. I have loss 80lbs so far and still have about 58 to go. You can succeed, stay positive, your attitude will help you get through all of this. BE HAPPY with yourself and accept yourself no matter what size you are. I was perfectly happy at 388 and didn't care what people said about me. I had accepted the fact that I was bigger and was ok with it. Good luck to you, You will get where you wanna be soon!:)

I feel your pain.

My Mom was anorexic and bulimic when I was growing up. I went overseas for a summer when I was a teenager and contracted amoebic dysentary. I lost about 20 pounds in two weeks. I had been a relatively normal weight before that. Once I was healthy enough, I flew home. My Dad took a picture of me and my Mom at the airport: two skeletons looking like death.

That was 22 years ago.

The picture is still on her mantle. It's her favorite of me.

I'll NEVER be that thin again unless I contract a life-threatening disease, yet she still looks to it as her ideal vision of how I should look.

Wow, I have the same issues with my mom. I can't believe this is such a common issue! For me it's bad because my sister is still in her mid-teens. We started working on our weight at the same time, and of course, she dropped five dress sizes :rolleyes: but I'm still working on my first dress size down! Result: It looks to my mother like I'm not trying. Not that I live with her, but you wouldn't know it the way she thinks she intimately knows my lifestyle.

I think she wishes I look like the grown daughters of the other women at church. But my mom's not exactly at an appropriate BMI herself... it gets so frustrating. I just want to visit for a weekend without being told I'm overweight as if I didn't know it from the person who hurts the most to say it.

This is my mother and my mother in law. I was supposed to be my mother's perfect child. I disappointed her by not being perfect. Same with my MIL.. how was I so lucky.

My mother also has an obsession talking about her weight and the weight of others.

She praises others that have lost weight as if they have godly powers and then the moment they gain back a bit they aren't as divine anymore.

She definitely learned from her mother and family to associate worth with beauty and being skinny. Power, for her, is being skinny. She yo-yoed her entire life and spent 70% of it talking about weight.

It is hard for me to resist this trait - it is so ingrained.

Just make sure you are different, that skinny, fit people have the same amount of worth as overweight people. You can't change your mother - I can't change mine. Since I've gotten older, I just try to look past her "not so deep" qualities and to her lovely qualities - the qualities everyone loves about her.

Oh mothers. My mother does the same thing. I have been criticized my whole life. This time around, I have not told my mother a word about my diet. It's a relief!

Yep, I can relate. My mom had weight loss surgery years ago and along with her weight, she has also lost the ability to talk compassionately about weight and weight loss. More than once she's suggested that I also have WLS. She's also made well-intentioned but ill-timed offers to help me lose weight.

She expressed concerns when she was also overweight, but it was in a different way. She's forgotten what it's like to be fat and overwhelmed with the sheer amount of weight I have to lose. Not that she's vicious or anything, and I know she does it from a place of love- but it's still hurtful because I know a good amount of it is less concern for health and more concern for "what people think."

When my mom says things about my weight that bother me (especially those comments that are "disguised" as a compliment "I'm glad you lost weight! How long before you think you'll give up the diet?" :rolleyes:) I have taken to responding with a mocking what-I-wish-she'd-say comment... such as "Gee, Beach Patrol! you're doing FANTASTIC with your weight loss efforts! I'm SO PROUD of you!" and then I answer as myself "Thank you mom! I appreciate your support!!!"

That usually shuts her right up. :D

I did this to my Mother in law recently. I had a new dress I was wearing this summer and it was colorful and I loved it. She saw me in it and said, "Oh, that is bright!". I said for her, "Melissa you look nice." "Gee thanks Sonja, thank you."

My husband thought I was overreacting, but that is because he is a man and didn't read her nonverbal cues and her bugged eyes when she said it. Plus, she is the queen of subtle colors, so I know it wasn't a compliment!

You weren't "overreacting"... you were giving a lesson in How To Give A Sincere Compliment (Or At Least Just STFU) :D

:hug: re your first Q, YES, it's totally your decision. Don't let your mom's issues stop you from feeling good about how you feel and LOOK. I know that's easier said than done, but it's something to aspire to for your own sake.

You may not be able to shake the blinders your mom has on, but you can work to minimize the bad vibes they bring into your life.

You've had a lot of wonderful responses and I agree. There comes a point where you have to make your own goals and be happy with what you've chosen. Even if it not what Mom or MIL wants. One of the few joys we get with being an adult I fear. You are worth the effort and hard work even if its not enough for mom. Its still worth it to do it for yourself.
They are right, she may not be someone who you can talk to about this. Not if she can't understand the importance of health. She does need to be told that her cynical commentary is unwelcome, that way she can't say "you never told me you felt that way/ or that bothered you" etc. :hug:

These two made me LOL. It really is a good idea- an easy way to let them know they're being rude without actually saying it.

Luckily, my mom doesn't make a lot of comments. Actually, she doesn't comment much at all. She lost 80 lbs. on the diet I'm on and gained it all back, unfortunately. I got pregnant, gained half back, and I'm just a few pounds away from where I was before. I think she's happy for me, but I think it also reminds her that she gained all hers back, so she just avoids the subject entirely. It would be nice to get some positive feedback from her, but I know it's her issue, not mine, and honestly I feel a lot of compassion for her. She has WAY more weight to lose than I ever did (she was probably in the upper 300s), so I have no idea of the mental stress/emotions involved when comtemplating that much weight to lose.

But yes-- if anyone ever gave me the backhanded compliments, I would definitely make them understand I know what they're up to-- stand up for yourself in a polite way or things will never change.