No, being fat wasn't (isn't) fun. Definitely not. But... in a weird way it was, b/c I had no limits, no 'rules'. When I would go out somewhere, I would eat everything that looked delicious and drink whatever I wanted. It gave me a high- we all know that high! Even just sitting home and eating Chinese food, it was a good feeling. (AT THE TIME. Not later, when I felt disgusted and gross.) It was fun, indulgent and an 'escape' from the stress or boredom of the day.
I went to a family event last saturday night with the goal to indulge a little, but not binge and to stay AWARE of everything I put in my mouth. I ate a small amount of food and had a few glasses of wine. But I spent a lot of time running calories through my head, deciding what to skip and what to have, and keeping control, reminding myself to stay strong. It was quite frankly a huge buzzkill.
What the heck is wrong with me that I can't have a blast without eating and drinking with wild abandon? One should have barely anything to do with the other right? But it's apparently how I think. I think about the vacation I'm going on in a month, and if you told me I HAD to stay on plan, no eating anything 'bad' or drinking alcohol, I honestly wouldn't even want to go that much. How crazy is THAT??
I feel like in exchange for being thin (eventually), I'm giving up that high that binging gives me, and it kinda sucks. I'm also finding that my weight is being managed not by consistantly eating better, but by binge days vs. good days, and when good days win out I'll lose. That's the only way I'm losing weight.
I'm not saying I'm giving up, b/c I'm certainly NOT- I want to be healthy and thin and feel that confidence and contentment. But it seems my life has to be a lot different, and I've got to deal with that. It's hard.
Anyone else dealing with these feelings?