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Old 07-19-2011, 04:11 PM   #1  
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Thumbs up I'm sorry for my rant..

Last night, in my anger and frustration and dissapointment.. i wrote a very immature "vent" expressing my feelings over what i felt were negative responses on a recent thread, to my feelings that i had expressed about a cheat i knowingly did.

I expressed my frustration and anger and hurt, because thats how i felt. I felt hurt. I felt hurt that i was hearing people saying " maybe its not the diet for you" and "maybe your not ready". This hurt me because all my life, every single diet i have tried, i have failed at. Every single time i failed, every single time i even cheated, the response from my mother was "why dont you just give up, why dont you quit, your never going to lose weight" I became so afraid of being successful, that i would intentionally quit before i even got to my goal. I was afraid of success, not failure..Failure i could tolerate, success i could not. This is how i lived my life.

Maybe i should have explained how i wanted to be encouraged. Maybe i should have made it known that beneath my tough rough exterior, i am nothing more than a young women who is sensetive and emotional. Maybe i should have explained that the type of encouragement i needed..was the kind in which people across as being uplifting. I dont find the words " maybe its not the right diet for you" to be uplifting. The reason being: I decided to do this diet. I made up my mind to do it. I confess that yes, like some have said "you switched from one to the other" and this is the case.. This is true..I was hopping around looking for one that i felt fit my lifestyle and what i needed according to what health issues i was struggling with. I chose to commit myself to the IP program using alternatives..This fits my lifestyle. Im not going to lie. I lack discipline in my life..which is why any diet is difficult...but i have commited myself to this program and even if i cheat, im still going to get up the next morning and jump right back OP and i believe that as i find more success in it, i will cheat less because i will have learned to value myself to the point, where i dont want to cheat. Right now..im not there.. Im learning..im learning to love me for me..even if to you..it doesnt look very pretty.. I know that i dont look very pretty to me..inside or out.

So, im sorry if i ruffled a few or any feathers. Sorry that i lacked clarity and tact and im sorry if you felt attacked even though the majority of you havent done anything wrong. I kept my post generalized instead of being specific about who it was that i was speaking to. Im sorry.. Please forgive me.

As for posting again.. I doubt i will. Surely i have burned enough bridges, that it would be not welcomed..and apparently im "chronically negative" though i dont view myself as that. If anything, i simply view myself as someone who expresses there feelings via writing. My life is not lived in a constant cloud of negativity and im sorry if my writings have mis-lead you.
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Old 07-19-2011, 04:24 PM   #2  
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Oh PH, I am so happy to read this post. You brought tears to my eyes. I really hope you can find it within yourself to dig in and win this battle. Believe me, its a constant one for all of us but the key is to keep at it.

I am sure all of us here would want to see you around. This is a family and at times yes, we hurt each other. But being a family also means that we forgive each other. We all forgive you and would want to see you continue posting. Let us encourage you and support you - its easier with support than trying to trudge the old beaten path alone.
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Old 07-19-2011, 04:30 PM   #3  
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Sounds like you are doing better today.

Look, don't feel like you are not welcome. You ARE. Just learn to take a deep breath and just put a warning in the subject line.

We can give you the safe space to cheer when it's good, we can give you the safe space to blow when it isn't. We want to be on your side so long as you let us.

We all have bad days -- and learning to just flag the post something like "Vent: I'm gonna blow! Look out!" or similar isn't a biggie to learn, but goes a long way toward in being in community in a good way -- even on the bad days.

GL to you!

Last edited by astrophe; 07-19-2011 at 04:37 PM.
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Old 07-19-2011, 04:36 PM   #4  
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That you came and didn't take the messages today as MORE negativity shows a lot of maturity. So, don't give up or disappear. We do understand - really.

And of course, we couldn't have known your history or background or mother's messages, but now we do. We are all learning, you see?

Those messages we get fed as children and young adults are the hardest to overcome and maybe counseling would be a good place to start healing from that? I know for me it made all the difference in the world in moving on and loving me for me. My mom didn't say I couldn't ever lose the weight. but she did tell me I would be lonely and miserable and would never find anyone to love me if I was fat. See, those were HER insecurities that she passed on to me. Fact is I did meet a man, get married and have kids when I was overweight (and got way more overweight). But I didn't feel I deserved it - all those mixed up messages.

Anyway, this journey is hard and as you mentioned in another thread, to succeed most of the time you have to fix other parts of your life too. It's a process and sometimes it takes lots of slip ups and difficult days and wrong decisions. But we learn from all of them.

Good luck to you.
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Old 07-19-2011, 04:47 PM   #5  
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Don't feel you've burned bridges.

I think on these boards, as elsewhere in life, you do need to ask for exactly what you want. Possibly more so here because it's not always so easy to read a tone in written words. It's fine to vent, but tell people that that's what you're doing. If you need advice, ask for it, if you don't want it, it's OK to say that too. And there will be people that don't listen and come down on you hard anyway and you just need to let what they say slide off your back.

Good luck. I hope you stick around.
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Old 07-19-2011, 06:00 PM   #6  
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Life is a learning experience, and I think we have all learned something today.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do.
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Old 07-19-2011, 06:22 PM   #7  
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Dear Porthardygurl,

I am new to the forum. I didn't see the other posts before first noticing this one, but just wanted to say I admire your apology.

Cycles of self-loathing and self-pity are probably the centre for most of us prone to overeating for emotional comfort. The paradox of most dieting and programmes is that there are so many rules, we are constantly in a state of heightened anxiety about whether we are sticking to or about to break the rules. Break the rules, and we're in another cycle of self-loathing. Then, because it all feels too much, we feel understandably helpless and sorry for ourselves.

It feels to me like people's reactions has triggered off extreme emotions of feeling criticised for you (something most of us have experienced, and hated the sense of shame and loathing that followed), regardless of whether they meant to, and then you've felt self-pity and anger at people, and now you've woken up the next day feeling embarrassed about your behaviour. I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful. I believe that you only said those things because your feelings were really overwhelming.

I'm not one for tough love. I'm one for compassion. None of us asked to be born with certain biological features, or with societal contexts or background histories that might make it more difficult to regulate our eating. We are evolutationally built for environments where excess high-calorie food was not available. It's not your fault you're overweight. It's not my fault I'm overweight, any more than it's my fault I'm not very good at certain sports etc. Sure I can try and train and practice at things I'm not very good at, but it isn't very rewarding and I'm still never going to be as good at it as people who were just born different from me.

The tough thing though - and this is the challenge for all of us - if we want things to be different, there is no other choice but for us to find ways that enable us to make different choices in a consistent manner.

It's up to you whether you try and follow a specific plan - but if the truth is that you've tried and failed many different diets (and you're not alone with this - most people with significant weight problems don't ever find the magic right one), I would suggest it's not the programme that's the issue. It's your relationship with yourself and with food. And I would be very surprised if this wasn't the underlying issue with 99% of the people on here.

I am at the moment reading a book called "The Compassionate Mind Guide to Ending Overeating" by Ken Goss. It isn't a diet book, it's a book that is designed to help us understand the biological and emotional issues involved in patterns of overeating, and also in developing a compassionate framework to understand why we're struggling (compassion breaks the self-loathing/self-pity cycle). It nevertheless though talks about how we can learn to take responsibility for shifting the cycles that we are stuck in that are unhelpful. I realise this may sound like me trying to pimp the book - I'm not. I'm just saying it's helpful to use something that helps us look at the underlying issues rather than just desperately try and keep track of what's going in our gob.

Of course I'm early on in my journey so you may be skeptical. I just think that I'm finding it really helpful to approach making changes not by white-knuckling my behaviour according to strict rules, but by understanding my relationship with food, and thinking about how I might best change it.

Good luck.

Last edited by syzygy; 07-19-2011 at 06:25 PM.
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Old 07-19-2011, 06:29 PM   #8  
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I didn't happen to see the specific threads, but I have read quite a few of your posts. I always find them tough to read because it's so clear you're struggling so much. I'm happy to see you've made progress, and now you know you can do it. You will get there in the end even though the road might have a lot of detours. (Trust me...I am the detour queen ).
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Old 07-19-2011, 06:36 PM   #9  
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I think you should know that if you post on online forums you are going to get all kinds of feedback, whether you want it or not. I know several people said you weren't specific enough, but I've seen a lot of people be very specific and still get feedback they didn't really want.

Feel free to keep posting here -- we'd love to have you be successful. But please don't expect all of us to be able to read your mind, know your story, or give you the kind of advice you're looking for.

I hope you can really read the many posts that were made on both of your threads from this morning. A number of people really did tell it straight and give you great advice.
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Old 07-19-2011, 06:41 PM   #10  
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I just found this article in the internet. It might help you:

Jean Nidetch ... struggled with her weight from childhood through early adulthood. One of her food obsessions was Mallomars, a chocolate-covered marshmallow cookie, she says. "That was my Frankenstein," her name for a craving that's impossible to resist. "For some crazy reason I had to have them. I didn't want my husband or children to see, so I put them in a plastic bag and put them in the hamper."

The turning point

She kept getting bigger.

She weighed 214 and wore a size 44 when she was finally motivated to lose weight in 1962 by a chance encounter in the supermarket.

"I ran into a neighbor who said, 'Oh, Jean, you look so good.' I was feeling very good about the compliment, and then she said, 'When are you due?' I didn't know how to answer her because I wasn't pregnant. I don't remember what I said, but I will never forget it."

Nidetch says she realized she needed to look at herself in a full-length mirror, but she didn't have one. "I didn't look at my body. I only looked at myself from the neck up. I was very interested in my makeup and hairdo."

She decided to try a diet program run by the New York City Board of Health Manhattan. She lived in Brooklyn at the time and had to take two buses and the subway to get to the offices for the board of health.

When she arrived, "there was the thin girl at the desk, and I asked where the group was. And she said, 'You want the obesity clinic.' I had never heard the word obese before. It shocked me. I said, 'I guess I do.' "

She found a seat in the last row "and I didn't take my coat off. I sat next to a woman who was also wearing her coat."

The woman running the meeting was a very thin nutritionist who had a picture of a fat woman next to her. She told the group it was a picture of her.

The nutritionist gave the participants a diet that recommended, among other things, that they eat fish several times a week, eat two slices of bread and drink two glasses of skim milk a day, Nidetch says. "I had never bought skim milk. I never drank milk. I drank soda. I drank everything that was fattening."

She lost 20 pounds in 10 weeks. Then she decided to invite some overweight friends to her apartment to tell them about the diet. "I am a sharer," she says. "When you give of yourself, you get back. I had to share it, so I called all my overweight friends. I only had overweight friends."

Start of something big

That meeting snowballed into more meetings, and in 1963, she created Weight Watchers International with the help of a savvy businessman.

Nidetch has had plenty of time to observe obesity in action since then. She noticed years ago that thin people have different meal-time habits than overweight people. "Thin people release the fork," she says, "and they chew the food with the fork on the table. They chew their food slowly. They look around at each other or the wall or a picture. They listen to the music. They sit back and take a breath. They do something other than concentrate on shoving the food into their body.

"Overweight people never let go of their fork. They hold it when they are talking. They hold it when they are chewing. I discovered that is one of the secrets. Let go of the instrument that made you fat."

She says she has never told anyone he needed to lose weight. "I don't believe in telling people. But people say to me, 'I wish I could lose weight.' I say, 'Wishing won't do it. I know you can. If you want me to, I'll help.' "

It's often a matter of putting food into perspective. "Food is not your remedy for problems," she says. "Food is not going to change your life. If you are lonely, food is not going to be your company. If you are sad, food is not going to give you solace."

And she continues to offer encouragement to others. "If you want to lose weight, you will you can," she says. "You are capable. I'm 86, and I have blonde hair. That's not nature. It takes a desire ... and sometimes it's rather uncomfortable to get it done. It costs time and money. If you really want to do it, and you know it's your desire and you're capable of it, you will. It's that simple."

(Weight Watchers founder Jean Nidetch)

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Old 07-19-2011, 06:53 PM   #11  
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PortHardyGurl, huge props to you for coming back and posting your apology. That took a lot of courage. I hope you stay around and that you do get some things you need here.

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Old 07-19-2011, 06:58 PM   #12  
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Originally Posted by Porthardygurl View Post
So, im sorry if i ruffled a few or any feathers. Sorry that i lacked clarity and tact and im sorry if you felt attacked even though the majority of you havent done anything wrong. I kept my post generalized instead of being specific about who it was that i was speaking to. Im sorry.. Please forgive me.
Thank you for that, Port. It was a sincere and heartfelt apology. I do hope you stay. And just for the record, I had tried a dozen different WL plans and me saying, "Yup, this is THE one!" each and every time. And each time I failed. And each time my ex-husband said -- I told you you'd fail. Been there. So I can understand you putting words such as "Try another diet" together with, "You are a failure". But you aren't....and that's not we were saying.

Please stay. And like I said on your other post, I read your threads. I read the responses you received but I also read the wonderful responses you gave other people. You need to stay..... for you and for us!


Last edited by ShanIAm; 07-19-2011 at 07:00 PM.
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Old 07-19-2011, 06:59 PM   #13  
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Porthardygurl I'm glad you're not leaving because I always liked reading your posts.
ZOMFG I just noticed you have 666 posts! GET BACK!!
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Old 07-19-2011, 07:02 PM   #14  
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Originally Posted by darius View Post
I just noticed you have 666 posts! GET BACK!!
AND!....she updated her ticker and lost another pound!
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Old 07-19-2011, 09:27 PM   #15  
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For most of us, weight loss is (or was at one time) a very difficult subject. One that is difficult to discuss or even think about without emotional pain. To survive and to benefit from the feedback and advice we can find an online forum often means developing a thick skin - unfortunately once you'ved developed that thick skin, doing so can make it hard to remember what it was like to have been thin skinned. Finding a balance is tough for all of us whether it's on the "giving advice" or the "getting advice," or both.

It really is nearly possible to give the "just right" level of advice, because all of us have different levels of sensitivity (and difierent levels of sensitivity on different topics). The "just right" tone for one person is way too harsh for one person, and is too "wimpy" for someone else.

Whether giving or hearing advice, none of us get it just right (or sometimes anywhere near right) all of the time. Sometimes the exact same piece of advice can be "just what we needed to hear" on one day, and yet be "fighting words" on another. Same is true of giving advice.

One of the best gifts we can give ourselves and each other here, is the gift of forgiveness and understanding for being imperfect people trying to do their best.

I've stuck my foot in my mouth and have thrown my share of tantrums here. Ranting and raving on something someone had said, and later rereading it I'd wonder why I had gone bonkers (and then sheepishly apologizing).

I've also sometimes stuck by my tantrum, because it was on a subject I firmly believed (and maybe even still do believe) was entirely tantrum worthy.

Then there are the times when I reread something I wrote and realize it sounded (or at least could sound) incredibly harsh, when that wasn't what I intended.

I think all of us get better and better with practice, so I do encourage you to not just read, but to post too. It's true that you never know when something you say is going to be the ablsolutely worst thing someone else could ever hear, but you also never know when something you say is going to be exactly what someone else needs to hear.

Coming here and writing or reading, is always a gamble (especially when you're new), but if you can learn to take what you need and discount the rest, you start winning more than you lose.

Hang in there, it does get better and easier.

Last edited by kaplods; 07-19-2011 at 09:30 PM.
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