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Old 07-03-2011, 07:42 PM   #16  
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I agree that weight loss, obesity, and generically health issues are far more taboo than I wish they were. I would love for it to be a more open topic, but it really isn't, and that makes it difficult to discuss.

If you want to compare obesity to substance addictions, that's fine as far as the similarities go. There are some differences though that make it a whole 'nother kettle of fish.

"Interventions" and confrontations with family members regarding substance abuse is riskyand messy business. Many professionals believe that interventions and confrontational discussion of the substand abuse should be done only with the presence and supervision of a trained expert (and without that supervision the confrontation tends to backfire, even making the situation worse in many cases). Intervention and confrontation tends to work out positively only when the person agrees to go immediately into in-patient treatment (the goal of most interventions). Some experts argue that interventions that don't immediately result in inpatient treatment, tend to make the substance abuse worse, not better.

In that regard, there's almost no option for that kind of help. There are very few inpatient treatment for obesity and weight loss (and the treatment programs that do exist, are almost never covered by insurance), so even the substance abuse model doesn't work very well here. Finding and getting outside help is a lot harder for weight issues than for substance abuse issues.

Having had family members that were constantly on my *** about my weight loss, I didn't find it helpful. Mainly because everyone had an opinion on what I was doing wrong, but they had very little idea of how to be helpful in fixing the problem (most of their advice sucked ***, even more so when it came from people who had similar or other behavior control issues - I felt "fix yourself, before you try to fix me.")

I think it is possible to talk about taboo subjects with friends and family members, but it's difficult, and so difficult to do well, that it almost always backfires. Many people are willing to start the fire, but no so willing or able to hang around to deal with the fire and help put it out. Instead folks dive bomb you with criticism, and then get mad at you when you don't take it with a smile and thank yous, and really get pi**ed if you share some of your own criticisms of them (they can dish it out, but they can't take it).

If you're not prepared to deal with the possible backlash, which can include anger, rage, dispair, feelings of betrayal... it's best not to open the discussion. This is as true about alcohol and drug abuse as it is eating disorders and obesity. You have to not only weigh the potential consequences, but be prepared for any and all likely responses. Are you prepared to dash someone's world to pieces AND are you willing to stick around to help them pick up those pieces. Or are you expecting to criticise, maybe make a few suggestions, and expect the person to be grateful and able to run with your suggestions with no further help or input from you (it's a pretty safe bet, to say that's NOT going to happen).

I would not bring up what I saw as a friend's alcohol abuse either, unless I was prepared for the backlash. Am I willing to lose the friend? Am I willing for the person to verbally attack me and hate me forever, because I told them what they didn't want to (and may or may not have needed to) hear from me. Bringing up a friend or family member's substance abuse shouldn't be a casual subject either. It should be well thought out, and the consequences need to be weighed. It's not generally a topic for a casual conversation, and it's rarely a pleasant or even civil one.

I think most overweight people realize they're overweight (I think most alcoholics realize they have a problem with alcohol). I don't think comments or confrontation ever helps unless the person is already on the brink of making the changes on their own. (You can't drag a person into change, at best you can nudge them in a direction they already were heading).

Unlike food addiction and obesity, a person can be committed against their will to alcohol or substance abuse treatment (it's not easy, but it at least theoretically can happen). That option isn't available with obesity. Voluntary treatment (inpatient or outpatient, or even self-help groups) aren't always easy to find, at least not affordably. So it's a little riskier to push a person over the edge when there's no commonly available or agreed upon way to pick up the pieces.

I think "I'm worried about your health," is about as far as you can go without potentially making the situation (and your relationship with the person) worse.

You have to decide whether saying something is more important to you than avoiding the negative backlash likely to occur. In any case, if you decide to say something, I'd recommend choosing your words very carefully, if you want them to have a positive impact. Being positive without sounding cruel and judgemental is very difficult, and if you can't do it, it may be better to say nothing (but I think that's true of substance abuse issues also. Saying something only works out positively when the person is in the right frame of mind for change already - otherwise it just sounds like judgemental nagging).

Last edited by kaplods; 07-03-2011 at 07:54 PM.
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Old 07-03-2011, 07:48 PM   #17  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kaplods View Post

I think it is possible to talk about taboo subjects with friends and family members, but it's difficult, and so difficult to do well, that it almost always backfires. Many people are willing to start the fire, but no so willing or able to hang around to deal with the fire and help put it out.

If you're not prepared to deal with the possible backlash, which can include anger, rage, dispair, feelings of betrayal... it's best not to open the discussion. This is as true about alcohol and drug abuse as it is eating disorders and obesity. You have to not only weigh the potential consequences, but be prepared for any and all likely responses.
Thanks for writing this.
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Old 07-03-2011, 08:40 PM   #18  
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When it comes to comments - "I'm worried about your health" is about as far as it should could go" And, "when you are ready to start this journey to better health, I'll be there for you" (and only say that if you MEAN IT!!!!)

My mother's mom never said anything to my mom about her weight and my mom blamed her mom for not saying anything. So, my mom started saying something to me when I hadn't even gained weight yet and I blamed her for part of my weight problem because she made me feel huge when I wasn't (yet). So basically I've concluded - there is no win win situation with weight. And it is wayyyyyy too personal. I knew my husband hated my extra weight. We didn't need to discuss it for me to know he was worried about my health. I didn't need to ask him if it affected his physical desire for me. I knew. We all know.
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Old 07-03-2011, 09:55 PM   #19  
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I guess I'm going to be in the minority here but this is what I think. I believe if you approach it as concern he will probably handle it ok. In about 2 years I went from a healthy weight to 60 lbs overweight. In that time I had two coworkers and one customer talk to me about it. I cleaned pools at the time. Everyone of those comments was made with concern and the offer to help with anything in my life that could be causing it. I never got offended and told each one I appreciated their concern. I then went home one day and asked my husband if my weight gain bothered him. He said he would never leave or cheat because of it but of course it bothered him. Each of those things hurt but that was only because I knew it was true. My best friend on the other hand said she would have been pissed and it was none of their business. It helped me to hear it though. Even though I knew I was gaining it wasn't so bad as long as I could pretend nobody noticed. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
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Old 07-03-2011, 09:59 PM   #20  
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Just wanted to let you know I'm struggling with the same thing. *hug*

You don't have to be a boot camp instructor, but there's nothing wrong with encouraging him to join the gym with you or something.
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Old 07-03-2011, 10:33 PM   #21  
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As someone who had to give up drinking, I can tell you that it's easy for some people, once they are sober, to think, "Oh, why didn't they tell me?" But if I am to be honest, I doubt I would have listened to anyone who tried to confront me about my drinking. I would have wondered who they thought they were, and who made it their business. But that's because most alcoholics are indignant people...

With the question of weight, you risk hurting someone. So you have to think, will discussing it with them help, or not? If you just lay out to them, "Hey, I'm worried about you because you are so fat. I think you really need to lose some weight," and then you just go on with your life, where has that left them?

So obviously more tact is needed. You could say, "Dad, I'm concerned about your health. Are you doing OK? Have you had your blood pressure and blood sugar checked lately?" And see where it goes from there.

Or, another way of approaching it might be to talk about your own weight loss--how much you have lost, how you have done it, all the positive things about it. If someone who is also overweight is interested, they may then want to ask questions or express an interest in losing weight themselves. And then you can help with your own experience.

Mostly I don't talk to other people about their weight. I figure they don't need my input. But a family member might be a different matter.

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Old 07-03-2011, 11:23 PM   #22  
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How fat are we talking here?

I guarantee you that anyone over, say, a BMI of 35 KNOWS that they're fat. It's not news. (Someone who's put on 30 pounds might be in denial but then again, 30 pounds isn't something you really should be butting into anyone else's business about. Google "concern trolling".)
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Old 07-04-2011, 11:10 AM   #23  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Astrild View Post
It's wrong that people get openly concerned for anorexics but not someone with binge eating disorders. Ultimately it is in their hands, but I don't think it's wrong to even mention that you care about them. I think it is more of an insult to behave as if you don't, whether they're receptive or not.
Has anyone ever known this sort of approach to help an anorexic? I've had close friends with eating disorders, and run into many more online, and it's never gone well when someone has tried to call them on it. People with anorexia are more likely to be in denial than people who are overweight, but that doesn't mean they're any more likely to react well to having the truth pointed out to them. However, one big difference is that being severely anorexic can be immediately and directly life-threatening in a way that being overweight tends not to be (being high-risk for a heart attack is not the same as going into multiple organ failure), and that's the point at which intervention is certainly warranted, when you need to get someone to a hospital.

I don't think that pointing out the (doubtless already known) fact that someone is overweight is the same as mentioning that you care about them, and it's certainly not an insult to refrain from discussing someone's weight with them. There are many ways of showing that you care about someone, and non-judgemental ways at that.
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Old 07-04-2011, 11:52 AM   #24  
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I'm at a point now where I've recognized the changes that needed to be made in my life so that I get to a healthier place.

However, growing up, I was surrounded by more than enough "reminders" that I was fat. My mother's repeating "We all need to lose weight, and exercise more." (We all did... and should have.) My sister's endless strange diets. Doctors' recommendations. Bullies at school. Scales. Mirrors.

Let me assure everyone here. I've always known I was fat.

My mother's "reminders" truly came from a place of love, and I could see that back then just as I see it now. She was concerned for the entire family's health. That didn't stop the commentary from becoming annoying and sometimes even depressing.

However, it's only lately (the last few years) - due to MY choices and reasoning - that I appreciate speaking to my mother about weight loss.

I sometimes think about what it might be like for me now if I'd just "done something" about my weight and food issues at a pre-high school age, but I realize I'd had plenty of opportunities and "offers of help" from my family. It wasn't the right time for me, until, well... until it suddenly became the right time for me.

The question "How do you approach a loved one about their weight?" reminds me of the joke "How do you hug a porcupine?" ... Very carefully.
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Old 07-04-2011, 12:51 PM   #25  
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That's a really, really tricky one. When I was at my highest I KNEW I needed to lose weight. I was unhappy and I wanted to work out but I didn't have childcare in place to do so, so it never happened. For me it was a matter of getting consistent childcare to start running and from there thing eventually fell in place over time (better eating habits, awareness of what I was putting into my month, strength trainging etc). Someon who just told me "you need to lose weight" wouldn't have really helped much because I didn't have the help I needed to do so. My parents had actually said things to me in the past but not always in the kindest way and it came off as pretty hypocritical when they weren't solving their own weight problems first. DH also tried watching what i ate but that didn't work either because I needed to make that change myself and I would just hide food instead.

I say that all because at the time if I would've had a friend that could've said: "Let's switch off childcare so we can work out! Or lets take out our jogging strollers together so our kids won't go insane on a long run" THAT would've made a world of difference early on. Also, if a friendly family member would've made meals for me that were healthy and tasty so I had those around the house instead of junk that would've helped too. For me it was more the right structures in my life had to be in place first, does that make sense? Sitting me down and saying "eat less, workout more" isn't nearly as helpful as "why don't I make some snacks for you for the week or let's workout together!".
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