has she been to a doctor to have her weight gain checked out? if her weight gain doesn't seem to be related to her eating, or at least what foods you buy for her, does she have a physical disorder going on like a thyroid problem or a side effect of a medication? does she suffer from a binge eating disorder like others on the forum here?
and most importantly of all, have you talked to her about any of your feelings and how this is affecting you? she might have something going on that you know nothing about and it's affecting her weight...i'm sure that she's struggling too and feeling much like you are, but communication is the only way to get to the heart of that matter
I just wanted to add- Chris there is nothing wrong with how you feel! I'm not sure why it has gotten such a negative response from some but you did get a few really good responses that might help you figure it out!
I hope your wife wakes up soon for her sake and yours.
Wow, I can't believe all the hurt feelings in this thread. If it's not obvious already I don't agree with the majority of people in this thread, so I hope that doesn't get me labeled as a troll because of it
What should he do? Harbor a lot of resentment inside about his wife until it finally just burst out in a fit on anger? Well, maybe he should go and cheat on his wife to spare her feelings and never have to address this issue but still have his sexual needs fufilled? Or should he lie to her and tell her that she looks great... Because constant lies are great to have in a relationship.
I am so so so surprised that you all are commenting on him being a troll because his brought this issue to a weight loss forum. I mean, where better would he likely find the point of view of an overweight wife than here? Should he have brought it up to his buddies during the superbowl?
He is being honest, something a lot of us would benefit from doing more of, myself included.
Quote:
Originally Posted by squishy lee
This post really hit home for me...I'm the overweight wife in this senerio. Not Chris's (I don't think but a chubby wife non the less. I know my husband feels the same way and I know that my weight is the reason our love life is lacking to say the least.
I'm trying...starting to run (or walk until I can run more). Counting calories, etc. BUT my question is this....
Say I get back down to 130 (the day we met weight) from my current 190, how do I overcome the hurt from knowing that my husband didn't/doesn't want me at 190? Part of me says "I'll lose all the weight and then find someone that's attracted to me and doesn't know I was fat"...I know it's stupid but its hard not to want to "punish" my hubs for not liking me thick or thin....
I'm just the type of person that HATES to admit when I was wrong...Isn't losing the weight and then becoming more "loving" just admiting that he was right and I was this awful beast not worth loving?
I don't see it as you were "wrong". I'm sure you know being overweight is not how your body is meant to be. You are right because you are working on fixing the problem.
I would agree with you but your body and your mind/heart/soul are different things. Your body is always changing, whether you're getting older, losing weight, carrying a child. It would be unreasonable if, say, your husband wanted you to look like a 20 year old all of your life together. It is not unreasonable that he would want you at a healthy weight. (In my humble opinion).
Quote:
Originally Posted by alaskanlaughter
i'm not stupid and i'm not blind and I KNOW when i'm gaining weight LOL!...and, yes, sometimes DH will let me know that i'm gaining a little bit of weight...granted, i haven't gained as much as 60-80 pounds during our 8-year relationship, not even when i was pregnant, but my holiday baking usually catches up to me after the holidays...DH will let me know respectfully and tactfully that i'm putting on a little weight and, yes, it's somewhat hurtful but I ALREADY KNOW that anyhow...and then i usually work to get those pounds back off...i've maintained at about 205-210 for years and now i'm ready to work at losing more weight
Well good for you. But some of us don't realize that we are overweight until it's too late.I've had a lot of people say that they didnt realize they'd gained weight until the saw a picture.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bargoo
Sounds to me that you might have a bit of a control issue here. Look at your own actions and need to control your wifes diet. That is her business as to what she wants to do. Stop buying junk food, your actions must be very confusing to your wife.
Now this is really reaching. It's not just her business when they are married. Once you start a marriage, your actions need to be weighed (no pun intended) on the way you live your life. What if she started smoking crack? Is that her business? Shoudl he say nothing?
Ok, now I might be reaching...but let's just stick with the weight. What if she gains 50 more pounds in the next few years. A lot of of overweight people don't have health problems in their youth but start to when they are older. So, what if their quality of life is dramatically altered by a host of health problems related to weight? What if she suffers a heart attack due to the weight? All of this affects her family, husband included.
Having said all that: I've been an overweight wife for awhile. My husband has let me know that he loves me dearly but would very much like for me to lose weight. In recent years, he's put on about 10-20 extra pounds and I have let him know that I think he should drop the weight.
OP, from personal experience, I would say that you need to lay it out for her. Write her a letter if you dont' feel you can get it out face to face. Make it clear that you love her in spite of her weight. But let it be known.
Now, she is the only one who will decide that she wants to lose weight. My husband's desire for me to lose weight is only about 15 percent of the reason I want to do it. Mostly it is for me.
I think we can all agree that you need to stop buying her the food (since it's been repeated 1001 times in this thread) . What better way to reinforce your thoughts then only buying healthful foods? She will be mad, but she will get the point. You just mentioning it but still buying her junk food is not letting her realize how serious this to you.
LeedaRenee I agree with you. Like I said, I would be hurt if my bf told me I was getting too fat but I would be devastated if it would ruin my relationship because he didn't say nothing at all. I know that if he would gain much weight I would say something to him. I'm sure most of you girls would too. And I think thats not fair don't you? And I don't mean you would say, lose weight because you're not hot enough, but lose weight because I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I would like it to be as long as possible!
This post really hit home for me...I'm the overweight wife in this senerio. Not Chris's (I don't think but a chubby wife non the less. I know my husband feels the same way and I know that my weight is the reason our love life is lacking to say the least.
I'm trying...starting to run (or walk until I can run more). Counting calories, etc. BUT my question is this....
Say I get back down to 130 (the day we met weight) from my current 190, how do I overcome the hurt from knowing that my husband didn't/doesn't want me at 190? Part of me says "I'll lose all the weight and then find someone that's attracted to me and doesn't know I was fat"...I know it's stupid but its hard not to want to "punish" my hubs for not liking me thick or thin....
I'm just the type of person that HATES to admit when I was wrong...Isn't losing the weight and then becoming more "loving" just admiting that he was right and I was this awful beast not worth loving?
See it from the other side. Perhaps it isn't the love for YOU but the hate towards fat, like hating cancer but not the cancer patient.
I am glad my fiance wants us to get leaner and muscular. It shows we care.
My boyfriend IS the GQ model with washboard abs and a full head of thick gorgeous hair. I have gained weight since we have been together. Our sex life has suffered, not because of HIS lack of arousal, but because I feel significantly less sexy. I used to initiate sex, walk downstairs topless and straddle him, etc, but I don't do any of that now. *I* think that he must not find me as attractive, so my actions in the bedroom have become less attractive. Now, as I have been working out and losing weight, I'm feeling better about myself, my energy is higher, and things are getting somewhat better. So I think a lot of problems in our sex lives are not ONLY because we are physically less attractive, but because we start acting less attractive, also. But this could just be me.
Chris, fwiw, my boyfriend tried being tactful and what not for two years. One day we had a big fight and he said "Look, I can get girls way hotter than you. You cannot get a guy as hot as me because you have gained WAY too much weight. Just look at yourself." Yeah, this made me really mad, and yes, I began losing weight to spite him initially. But now, I am really glad he said it, he's really encouraging, and our relationship has improved significantly.
I just have a few questions. According to your original post Chris, you say your wife is happy when you tell her if you have lost another few pounds...and you at one point would talk to her about your personal diet and excercise routine. SO...how much weight have you lost? Have you just recently begun this new lifestyle change? Why did you let yourself get to the point you needed to lose weight? Just wondering...
I'm with LeedaRenee on this one. I don't understand why everyone is so offended that this guy wants his wife to lose weight. From his description it sounds like it has gotte to a point where she is uhealthy and he loves her so he wants her to be healthy and he wants to be attracted to her.
OP, if you want things to change, you have to have a discussion with her. Tell her you are concerned about her weight, for her health, and that you love her want to support her in getting healthy. Explain to her how the weight gain effects you and that you don't want to bring unhealthy foods into the house.
It is true that she has to make the decision to lose weight but sometimes it takes seeing how our weight effects others before we can get motivated to make a change (which I agree is totally unfair).
When you talk to her, she is going to be pissed, that is a promise but you are going at it from a perspective of loving her not just "I think you are ugly when you are fat". She likley has emotional issues related to her eating patterns and she will need your support to work through those.
Chris, fwiw, my boyfriend tried being tactful and what not for two years. One day we had a big fight and he said "Look, I can get girls way hotter than you. You cannot get a guy as hot as me because you have gained WAY too much weight. Just look at yourself." Yeah, this made me really mad, and yes, I began losing weight to spite him initially. But now, I am really glad he said it, he's really encouraging, and our relationship has improved significantly.
OH.MY.DOG! I would have laughed in his face, and then spit on him. WOW, I can't believe you didn't dump him right then and there. Amazing what women will put up with.
OH.MY.DOG! I would have laughed in his face, and then spit on him. WOW, I can't believe you didn't dump him right then and there. Amazing what women will put up with.
Well, I would never spit on anybody. Regardless of their actions.
Well, I would never spit on anybody. Regardless of their actions.
lol, I was thinking more along the lines of 'wow! i would have kicked him square in the crotch!' I hope he, at least, apologized? Sheesh! I literally gasped!
And, I'm not going to offer my opinion to the OP, but I wish you the best of luck.
OH.MY.DOG! I would have laughed in his face, and then spit on him. WOW, I can't believe you didn't dump him right then and there. Amazing what women will put up with.
To be fair, he said it in an argument and had probably stored it up for ages. While it probably wasn't the most tactful thing to say, I'd be happier my boyfriend said that and made me aware of how bad the problem is than just pretending he found me attractive and that my weight wasn't a problem, when it was. Although relationships have more layers that just comparable 'hotness', we'd all feel the same if our other halves gained a lot of weight, I think.
lol, I was thinking more along the lines of 'wow! i would have kicked him square in the crotch!' I hope he, at least, apologized? Sheesh! I literally gasped!
Lol, well thanks for the concern! There were lots of other factors in play during our fight, vicious comments were slung from both directions, and I am known for my biting remarks, so don't feel bad for me. He was telling the truth, anyway, and that's kind of my point. He was BRUTALLY HONEST with me, and I needed that. Yes, I was aware my weight was increasing, but I needed to be hit with the reality of it in order to find my motivation to improve myself. My bf is a really great guy, he would bend over backward for me at the drop of the hat, and I am not going to throw away a 5 year relationship over some words exchanged in the heat of the moment.
Yep, pretty much exactly what Claire just said!
Last edited by AnonymouslyYours; 06-28-2011 at 02:20 PM.
Reason: Someone just said what I was trying to say, prior to my posting the first time
but a chubby wife non the less. I know my husband feels the same way and I know that my weight is the reason our love life is lacking to say the least. 
just admiting that he was right and I was this awful beast not worth loving?
