I'm going to echo what LoriAS said about the negative comments - it sounds like some people are really offended that you are even considering talking to the doctor when you are here to get advice from people about the right thing to do. I posted a thread that proved to be a bit controversial and got a lot of negative responses for merely asking for help. Luckily, there was a lot of good advice in other members' posts.
The best advice I got from someone here (whose name escapes me) was to lead by example. If she sees you losing, making healthier food choices, exercising, etc, she may be compelled to join in if she's ready to lose. If she does, that's great, and maybe it can be something you two do together. If she doesn't, just keep doing what you're doing and she might come around. A simple gesture like inviting her to a work out might go a long way, but I would try and make it more about an activity to do as friends than to do to lose weight. If a friend said to me "My runs are lonely, want to come next time?" I'd be way more like to go than if she asked "We really need to work out."
I don't think it's negative to say that making her see how fat she is, isn't necessarily helpful (and probably isn't necessary at all).
If OP wants to talk to the woman or her doctor, she's free to do so, but it may backfire.
I think about how I would feel if someone said, "I know you acknowledged that you need to lose weight, but that's not enough for me. It really concerns me that you don't see yourself as being as fat as I see you, and it's so important to me that you see yourself as being as fat I see you, that I would like to talk to your doctor so that he can tell you just how fat you really are."
There is no nice way to say "you're a lot fatter than you think you are."
Mostly because I don't think it's true. The woman admitted she needs to lose weight, what else does she have to do to satisfy OP (and why does she need to do anything to satisfy OP).
I know OP's motives are probably in the right place, but they're misguided. Fat people know they're fat and that fat contributes to health problems. Smokers know that smoking is unhealthy.
OP's friend also knows that most people consider fat people unattractive, she doesn't need to hear her friend tell her so.
And feeling she looks good at her size, may give her the strength to do something about it. Dashing her delusion could actually prevent her from getting help.
We all lose weight (or choose not to) for very different, and very personal reasons. She may be trying her damnedst and failing (in which case, "hey you're a lot fatter than you think" isn't going to help). She may not be ready, or she may be ready and is already doing something about it. Either way I can't think of any way that "you look fatter than you think," would be helpful.
Would you call a smoker's doctor and say "make sure she knows that smoking is bad for her."
Over 40 years of dieting, I've been told exactly how fat I was by many people in my life. It didn't help. Let me repeat that IT DIDN'T HELP.
It only made me feel like crap. And when it came from someone who was losing weight, it felt like gloating and rubbing it in my face (and I would often do a bit of gloating myself when that person gained their weight back. And if I was losing when they were not, I wanted to rub THAT in their face too).
The idea of putting a friend's photos up on facebook without permission to SHOW her just how fat she is seems petty and cruel, and a low blow unworthy of the title friend. What is the real point, helping her or making her see herself in the same way OP does?
I've lost 90 lbs without fully grasping how large and ugly I look to most people, and I'll lose another 100 lbs the same way. Any friend who told me or my doctor behind my back that I don't realize how fat I am, I would ask them why it's important to them that I see myself the way that they do, and I'd wonder if they really were a friend or just wanted to be a "white knight." Someone I would thank for "openening my eyes," and why didn't they trust me to take care of myself. Did OP start losing weight because people told her just how fat she was? Or did she take responsibility for herself, because she's an adult (and if so, why doesn't her friend deserve the same respect).
The fact is, her eyes probably are open. If she knows she needs to lose weight, she's already where she needs to be. The "why" doesn't matter, and trying to make your why, her why is pointless.
Since the woman already acknowledged that she needs to lose weight, pointing out that her perception of her size is skewed doesn't do any good - especially since she probably already knows or she wouldn't have said "I need to lose weight."
You can't make this journey for anyone but yourself. You can talk about you, but let her take care of herself. She's probably more capable of doing so than you think.
I also think she's a big girl and can take care of herself, so if you disagree - have at it. Tell her anything you want to tell her - but be respectful enough to tell it to HER FACE not behind her back to anyone (that includes her doctor or facebook).
But if you wouldn't want your friend telling you that you might not be as smart, funny, creative, compassionate, attractive, etc. as you think you are, I wouldn't be pointing out her self-delusions either.
My advice, which you can stack up with the rest of the lovely girls above, is to lead by example, compassion and love. She may not be at the same point in her journey as you are. If she sees you getting healthy and happier with your body image maybe it will motivate her to join you. Until then, I think you would be a better friend and person not to meddle in her business.
I know that when you finally manage to lose weight yourself it's great and you feel evangelical about it and want to help out other people having the same problem, but as everyone else has said, the doctor can see perfectly well that she's overweight and interfering there won't help. (Meanwhile, I have the dilemma of whether or not to ring the GP of a relative who's just had a mini-stroke and tell him that I've seen serious memory problems in her for years and think she should be screened for dementia. Unlike being 100lb overweight, her memory problems aren't obvious unless you know her well, and she's always denied them.)
However, why not invite her over for a meal and make it something really great, delicious and filling but a good example of a healthy meal that can help with weight loss? Don't discuss the weight loss at all, but the good meal might help to be a subtle example of how to go about it, so that she can see that it's appealing rather than a miserable period of deprivation. And if not, well at least you've had a nice meal together.
If she does bring up the subject of weight loss, I'd suggest accepting her premise that she needs to lose weight but not that much, and talk to her on those terms. Actually, don't even mention how much much weight she should lose, and if she suggests a number, make supportive noises. Once she gets started, she'll probably revise that number as she goes along.
One of my support workers is a bit overweight and keeps on telling me how great I look and how she always has trouble because she crash diets and then puts the weight back on, so we are talking about it in a cautious sort of way and I am absolutely not telling her what to do. I suspect she may try to follow my example once she feels ready, and right now she's trying to think her way through how she could find a weight loss plan that would work for her and be effective long term.
I know that when you finally manage to lose weight yourself it's great and you feel evangelical about it and want to help out other people having the same problem, but as everyone else has said, the doctor can see perfectly well that she's overweight and interfering there won't help. .
I think this is a great point and one that comes up very often on 3FC.
You'll often find that those who have been maintaining a long time do not, in general, go out of their way to help others 'find the way' in terms of weight loss. It's more often than not, those who have recently done it themselves. It's not unlike finding religion or a cool new movie - you just want everyone else to share in the 'joy' that you yourself have recently discovered. It's an excitement, or I suppose, a pride in 'finally' finding the solution.
However, it's YOUR solution, not someone else's. And sometimes in our joy, we forget that.
I have two friends who are 100lbs overweight. I would never dream of contacting their doctors. I don't even talk to them about it. They know full well they are very overweight. They don't need me to point it out.
Hmm meet her for lunch and bring your digital camera along. Take some pictures and post them on your facebook page and tag her in them! (assuming you have facebook, I think I'm the only person in the world who happily closed a FB acct).
But seriously PICTURES!! Umm I didn't feel too fat either, but what you see in pictures is often enough to end that "i'm not that big." fairy tale.
What an odd way to treat someone you call a friend.
To the OP, I wouldn't bring it up and I certainly wouldn't call her doctor. Even if she really does see herself smaller than she is (and I doubt it) her oh crap! moment will come in time. For your friendship it's probably best that it doesn't come so forcibly from you.
Kaplods nailed it..i couldn't have said it better myself. the only thing that i really don't understand is what is wrong with seeing her self "smaller" than what you think she is. i think its beautiful that she holds her head up high and feels good. she knows she needs to lose weight and will do it on her own terms. im just wondering if you aren't doing a bit of projecting. like she feels good about her size whereas you don't and there maybe a tinge of jealousy in there. i dunno.. and the whole thing about going to the dr behind her back.. i think even u knew that dog wouldn't hunt. she is not a drug addict that needs rehab. i think you should really look at why it bothers you so much, cuz i really think its more than just "concern". just my two cents anyway.
mickey
Last edited by Mickey79sf; 06-30-2011 at 06:37 AM.
