Hearing someone complain repeatedly about an aspect of themselves/their lives they don't like but then do nothing to change it = drives me nuts. Not just weight loss - but anything. Career, love life, etc. Complaining about the same thing over and over does nothing to change the situation. You have to set goals and make a commitment and take steps towards those goals. And hearing someone complain day in and day out about something they are doing nothing about can be frustrating.
This!
It IS frustrating to listen to someone complain about a thing that is within their power to change, but that they do nothing to alter. Weight is only one thing like that, but it's the one you're noticing because it's the thing you're working to change.
Sometimes being completely direct is the best way to deal with it: "Honey, you talk to me a lot about _____, and I don't really know what you need me to say to you when you talk about that. I can give you the best advice I know or offer you my support as you change or just be a sympathetic ear, but I need to know what is it you're looking for. When you tell me how much ____ upsets you and I don't know what to say to help, it bothers me."
I see what others are saying here about how we would've received advice on weight loss before we were ready to lose, but there's a difference between someone who simply isn't ready and someone who constantly mentions how much her weight bothers her. She's asking you for something, you just have to find out what it is. Failing that, you might need to wean yourself off of that friendship because it can't be healthy for you to hear a constant outpouring of negativity from someone who will neither change what's bothering her nor shut up about it.
My weight bothered me constantly, but I would've bitten my tongue off before I would've confessed to how uncomfortable I was or how much of a struggle it was to keep up with others physically. People who complain all the time need to learn either to fix it or to stop complaining. It's so draining to be around perennially negative people.
Failing that, you might need to wean yourself off of that friendship because it can't be healthy for you to hear a constant outpouring of negativity from someone who will neither change what's bothering her nor shut up about it....People who complain all the time need to learn either to fix it or to stop complaining. It's so draining to be around perennially negative people.
This!! Some people are so unaware of their own negativity. I remember an exercise from a communications class to find a way to turn negative statements into positives i.e., "Don't forget" should be "Remember". I still try to do this... when I can remember!
Sorry for such a long response, but so many of you had made interesting and crucial points. Thanks so much for weighing in (ha!) on my issue.
No, Mickey79sf, I am not saying these things to my friends. I was writing about trying to curb the thoughts in my head that I'm finding to be more destructive than productive.
Jesscobedo - I'm glad you can relate, and I think you're totally right about leading by example. Seeing some of my own friends and family (my own mother at 55 y/o has become far fitter than I am in the past couple years) make healthy choices has been a HUGE motivator and incentive for me to change my own life, and I'd rather have a positive influence over others than drag them towards temptation like I have been.
Blondie160 - Monster is the best word I could use to describe this feeling. I didn't think I was the type to judge my friends like this, but trying to lose weight has focused so much attention on my own looks and health that I think it's starting to occupy my mind more than it should. Like AshleyLaurent said, I need to refocus my attention on my OWN weight loss rather than weight, food, etc. in general.
SunnyJee - that sounds like a really tough situation with your friends. Inevitably, people whose lives are based around different values are going to become distant. It's a shame more of them haven't been inspired by your transformation and made changes, but perhaps it will come with time. A lot of my friends, especially the guys, are more than happy to load up on beer and after-party pizza multiple times a week. I'm still trying to figure out ways to keep this part of my social life intact but without having it negate my efforts to get healthy.
celrae - it's encouraging to hear that after a few weeks these thoughts faded. I'm hoping that when these changes become permanent and I get out of the transition from eating what I want to eating what I should, I'll be paying less attention to what others are doing. Hopefully your mum takes the hint soon and lays off the dressing and extras, that stuff can be deadly!
shannonmb - here's hoping your sister will learn a lot from you and your incredible weight loss (congrats!!). She will be lucky to have someone who knows exactly what it's like to help her through it.
Nola Celeste - I think I'm the same in that I rarely confessed to anyone that I was uncomfortable with my appearance. It's just not a conversation I would want to have. If she's wanting me to help her in some way (as a friend, not as someone thinner or healthier than her), I would be happy to. I just don't know how to do that unless she gives me some more information as to what she needs.
I think one thing I didn't make clear in my original post is that my current attempt at a lifestyle change is a quiet one. I've come clean to only two people (boyfriend and mum...and 3FC of course) that I am trying to make a serious change, so I think I'm far from being "preachy" about it. I haven't told anyone how much I weigh or how much I have to lose or how many calories I eat in a day or how bad a particular food is for them as they're eating it. If people want to ask me about it when I've reached a noticeable change, I am completely open to discussing it. But until then, my efforts are remaining private.
I think that judging someone for struggling over their weight while I am succeeding would be similar for judging someone who falls off the wagon after we both completed rehab for drug addiction and I'm still on the wagon. Personally, I have tried for years to lose weight and have been up and down a lot. I can't seem to get this right and of course I'm hoping that I do, but I think it has given me a sense of empathy for people who can't get their weight to a healthy range either. I'm only saying this to you in hopes of helping you and not at all as an insult or anything like that...so please believe me.
luckymommy, that's a large part of my problem... I have often been that person, dissatisfied with myself but still not doing much to better my situation, and STILL I am struggling with understanding it now that I'm trying to change. I think one part of it is that I've never been much of a binge or emotional eater, and so it's a behaviour that I have a hard time understanding. The other part is the complaining, which some other posters have aptly pointed out can be incredibly frustrating.
the thing with me that I do, is I complain about my weight, buy the things I need and get lazy...like I KNOW i hate being this big I KNOW if i want to change i need to put the cheeseburger down, but i don't
or I eat not when Im hungry, but it''s there. sometime I wont stop eating unless I am so full i just can't stop, or i have run out of the food.
it's a battle. some days I good, some days Im not. I seriously think food and soda are my drugs. . :/
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Well...I do see where you're coming from. I noticed a while ago (I guess after I'd lost about 10-15 pounds) that I was looking at other overweight people differently and wondering why they weren't doing something to change their situations.
But then I realized something. When we look at strangers, all we can see is what's on the outside. When I see that overweight woman in the grocery store, and she's buying food that isn't necessarily the healthiest, sure, I could judge her. But the thing is: I don't know that woman's situation. Maybe she's taking meds that cause her to gain weight or retain fluid. Maybe she's not well-off financially (eating healthy is great, but it can be expensive!) Maybe she has health problems that would be helped by weight loss, but unfortunately those same health problems make it difficult or impossible to exercise. (My own parents are in that boat; Dad has lung disease and heart disease, and both he and Mom have crippling arthritis.)
So while I admit to being guilty of having judged people in the past, I try really, really hard not to now, because I just don't know the situation for people I don't know. Hopefully you can get out of this mindset, because although it is natural, it's kind of detrimental, too.
Snoofie, I think you've made a really important point. A lot of people don't have the same resources for health as others, or have different situations and constraints that make it more difficult to maintain a certain weight. I think I perhaps need to clarify that I am not catching myself watching strangers and thinking "What a sad person" or something horrible like that. I think it's completely unfair to assume that everyone who is overweight is doing it completely by choice and that it's simply a case of willpower...as we here all know, it is almost always much more complicated than that.
